People
do the darndest things. You have, I have, we
all have done what I call funny acts of stupidity. I know that this
isn't an excuse, but I think we come up with one after we get caught
doing that darned thing that embarrasses us. So I have created a spot
where we can share the the stories about our loved ones or friends
mistakes. If you have a funny story, please go to the
Submit Excuses page and
send them in. I usually post on Sundays.
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1. One time I was helping my wife do the laundry. We live in
an apartment and the laundry room is outside. I was bringing back a
dry load of clothes in the laundry basket and carrying a gallon
bottle of bleach with it. When I bent down to put the basket on the
living room floor, the bottle of bleach spilled on the dark brown
carpet turn it a bright yellow....Madtbone.
2. A friend at work today told me that when he was a kid his
Father cleaned out the bottom of the fireplace and put the ashes in
a bag in the garage. A little while later his younger sister came
running into the house and said calmly that the garage was on fire.
When they went outside the garage was completely engulfed in flame.
Then the car that was parked in the garage blew up from the gas
tank. Yikes big mistake!
3. I even have a fireplace story. I really thought the ashes
were out. I put them in a paper grocery bag and left them on the
living room carpet near the fireplace. After about 10 minute we
smelled smoke and saw that the bag was smoldering and had burned a
hole in the carpet....yes it is me again, Madtbone.
4. I have had a couple of Brother-in-Laws pull this trick.
Both of them had put new linoleum floors in their kitchens. In their
hurry to get things back together again, they moved the refrigerator
back into the kitchen and the weight tore up the new flooring. The
2nd Brother-in -Law did this right after we told him about the other
one doing it. We tried to warn him but he didn't want to listen to
us....yes my Brother-in-Laws, Madtbone.
5. My Father-in-Law needed to change the vacuum cleaner bag
and didn't have one. So he had a good idea. He taped a big plastic
garbage bag to where the old bag was. It worked fine for few
minutes. Then the bag grew to a huge ball and blew up. Dirt flew
everywhere....what a mess, yikes that's my Father-in-Law, Madtbone.
6. My wife one time accidentally put dish washing soap in
the dishwasher instead of the right kind of soap. She was in back of
the house for awhile and when she came back to the kitchen my 2 year
old twin son and daughter were up to their necks in soap suds having
the time of their life....yes my kids, Madtbone.
7. My wife and her sisters took all the kids and went
camping. A group of the older kids got there first and set up the
tents. Later in the day when everyone was at the lake another
nephew, who came up and saw the tents set up decided he wanted his
tent in the place where there was already a tent. So he moved that
tent and replaced it with his. During this time his brother was at
the beach and when he came back, noticed what his brother had done.
He told him that the tent he moved, wasn't in our campsite. It was a
stranger's tent! So then he started to frantically put the tent back
with one nephew and his girlfriend saying, "here comes the
people!!!!" but they were just messing with him. The funny part was
when the people came back, and noticed that their tent was set up
backwards and they had no tent stakes, then started giving us dirty
looks! Yes, this is my family again.... Madtbone.
8. Years ago while my husband and I were making love in our
bedroom, our 2 year old son can in the room without us knowing it.
He proceeded to jump onto is Dad's back and started yelling get em'
up pony ride em' pony!
9. One time when I still lived at home, my 17 year old
younger sister had her boy friend over in her bedroom. I was sitting
at the kitchen table with one of my other sisters and all of a
sudden her boyfriend can running out of her room, bare ass naked and
it a full state of arousal, with my father chasing him out of the
house. Looks like they were caught in the act! Dad was MAD to say
the least.
10. I had a really neato toy that used a special type of
caps. These caps were on a big square red sheet that was perforated
into single caps. In an attempt to quickly cut them, I folded the
sheet then cut it with a scissors. The caps exploded, and the fire
ran up the scissors and burned my hand. The carpet caught fire too
but I stamped it out and cleaned off the ashes. It took a few weeks
for my mother to convince me to tell her how I had burned my hand.
That story proves that those little labels on caps that say "Do not
use without adult supervision" are serious.
11. True story....I was 8 months pregnant with my 1st child
and at my moms dinner table when my step-father decided to start a
food fight with me...he tried to toss an olive down my shirt so I
retaliated by smearing mashed potatoes on his arm... I retreated
under the table when his hand, full of his own mashed taters, comes
charging for my face...we were laughing so hard...and there I am, on
my hands and knees, under the table and I started to pee...being so
very pregnant , I couldn't control my bladder...so the more I
laughed the more I peed...my mom and husband were tossing napkins
under me as I was causing a flood.. needless to say...there haven't
been anymore food fights!
12. One time I was in a small elevator and I farted it was
so bad smelling I couldn't stand it my self, and then I gave the
other people in the elevator with me the how gross look as if they
did it or something when on the inside I was cracking up I couldn't
wait to get off the elevator and let out a huge laugh.
13. I live opposite a Service Station (Petrol station or
whatever you refer to it as over in the States?) I went across and
filled the car up with gas then went inside and paid the attendant.
However, instead of getting back into the car and driving back
home...I left the service station and walked home, leaving the car
behind. It didn't dawn on me until I'd been home for a brief period
of time that something was wrong and then I clicked! I'd gone and
left the car behind. I sheepishly went back across the road to
collect my car and got an ear-full of laughter from the attendant
and his cohorts. Needless to say that every time I go back to get
either gas or other items of necessity I now get a response of "Are
you sure you haven't forgotten anything?"" from the attendants with
a friendly grin. (I still haven't had the courage to tell my wife
about this little memory lapse episode - hehehe)
14. Once my babysitter from England put so much Kerosene in
the fireplace that when she lit a match and put it on the wood there
was a ball of flame that reached the ceiling, it blew her eyebrows
right off!!!
15. This is not an excuse, but one of the funniest stories I
have ever heard. A friend of mine, (who shall remain nameless for
fear of retaliation) was at the gynecologist for her regular
checkup. When the doctor was doing the palpation part of the exam
when he puts his hand inside and presses on the abdomen, my friend
let out a HUGE fart! The doc and the nurse gave a valiant effort at
remaining stoic, but within a few seconds, all 3 collapsed into
uncontrollable laughter and the doctor had to postpone the exam!!
Needless to say, she was quite embarrassed and changed doctors
immediately after this little episode.
16. Last year we were doing a thing with vocabulary words.
We hade to write the meanings for them. One of the words was
petition .Well I hade to go up to the board and write a sentence for
it. My sentence was "Before you could get a job you would have to
sign a petition". I went back to my seat and the teacher is laughing
so hard I did not know what was wrong with her. Then she said said,
"Mindy do you really have to sing a petition before you get a job?"
I looked at the board to find out I actually wrote the sentence "I
have to sing a petition before I get a job." The whole class was
laughing at me. Then she went to get all the other teachers on that
floor. They all where laughing at me. I was so embarrassed.
17. We were doing a school play. One of my lines was, "We
feel much better now". Well when it came time to say that line this
kid farted really loud so that the whole room heard it. I started
busting out laughing at that and could not say my line. I covered my
face and could not do the rest of they play. I was so embarrassed,
the whole room was laughing at me. Bye the way the room had oh lets
say 500 people in it.
18. This happened to a friend of mine. Knowing that she had
an appt. with her gynecologist that day, she took extra care to be
clean and neat. She even sprayed a little deodorant on the parts to
be inspected just to be safe. When her gynecologist entered the room
and pulled up her gown, he smiled and said, "My aren't we pretty
today!" My friend was absolutely appalled at the nerve of this man
to make that kind of comment and didn't bother hiding it, leaving in
disgust as she as the exam was completed. When she got home that
evening and undressed she looked down and realized that rather than
applying the deodorant as intended, she had sprayed her daughters
Barbie Glitter on herself. She called and apologized the next day.
19. This message was sent to me from a computer analyst at
the college I work at: The system spotted some corrupted document in
your mail database overnight and attempted to fix it. It seems fine
from this end now but I would feel better if you can tell me that
everything is fine from your end as well. Can you do a quick check
for me? Look for messages that would have been delivered to you
yesterday (March 7th) but that you haven't seen yet, i.e. messages
that never showed up in your Inbox. If you find any, can you please
call me a.s.a.p. If you don't find anything amiss, don't worry about
it. Is it just me or would I not see these "missing" messages cause
.... THERE NOT F***ING THERE??!!!!! -agf-
20. I live near a small neighborhood store. One night on the
way home from work I stopped there and parked my van across the
street. After buying what I needed I walked home leaving the van..
The next morning I woke up and upon not seeing my van parked out
front I thought it had been stolen. I called the police and reported
my vehicle stolen, thinking what a crappy neighborhood I live in.
They said they would send someone out in about 30 minutes. Thinking
a had a little time to kill, I walked up to the store to get a cup
of coffee. It was only then that I realized what I had
done.....stuuupid.
21. Well my family is quite funny and quite air headed. My
older sister had taken my mother, her son, her boyfriend at the
time, and myself to a wild life park for a joyful evening of animal
watching and a picnic. After a few hours of her tormenting the caged
animals and us gawking at them we decided to eat lunch my sister so
taken by the buffalo walked over to the fence wearing a red t-shirt
and red shorts and was making faces at them and noises and pointing
at them one came close to the fence and as my sister turned around
to face him he sneezed and blew snot all over her face and shirt.
not knowing it was on her shirt she went to wipe the little on her
face off and ended up putting more on and all over her arms and
hands. she still tells em to avoid the buffalo and they since have
put up fences so no one can get that close.
22. My brother has a best friend. The two of them are like
Laurel and Hardy. Both are a bit blond. My brother is 6'5" about 250
lbs and is built like a brick wall his friend Scotty is about 5'9"
and 130 lbs if he's lucky. They were working in a garage on their
four wheelers and my brother felt a smack on the back of his head.
He turned around and in anger smacked Scotty on the back of the head
hard enough to smack the hat off of him. Scotty having no clue what
it was for, smacked him back, after some confusion, smacking each
other, and calling each other lude nasty names, my brother admitted
that he had felt something hit the back of his head and accused
Scotty for it. Scotty in shock said "I DIDN'T DO IT". Both confused
and still calling each other names and hitting each other decided to
forget about it and go back to work. Ten minutes later something hit
Scotty in the head. Scotty turned and said "I TOLD YOU I DIDN'T DO
IT SO WHAT WAS THAT FOR". My brother was on the ground looking at
what he was repairing and looked up and said "HUH"!! As my brother
looked up he said "LOOK OUT". Scotty threw himself to the floor and
looked up. Above them both was a bird flying around dodging them.
Believe it or not situations like this is normal for the two of
them.
23. When I was little, my family (three sisters, one
brother, two foster brothers) and their friends would all have food
fights and water fights while my mom wasn't home. One time in
particular my sisters had gotten out ketchup, mustard, cool whip,
and shaving cream. ALL at the same time. After throwing food and
squirting it at each other and having fun they brought in the hose,
because someone decided they were all to dirty and needed to get
washed off. The house was saturated and was a complete mess. My
sisters got together and cleaned the huge mess up with towels took
the curtains down and washed them and washed their clothes so there
were no traces of what had happened and decided to make up the
excuse and that everyone had to stick together on what had happened.
My mother returned the next day in the morning finding the house a
little array and the floor soaked she waited for them to get up.
They sat down and told my mom that they had to wash the floor cause
they had spilt juice and the buckets of water as they were carrying
them to where they had to clean. Thinking they had gotten away with
it they smiled at my mom. My mom busted out in laughter knowing her
children were full of it. She said "Is that ALL you have to tell me
and you swear its true??" They said "yes!!". Mom stood up and told
them to follow her. As they did mom pointed out the huge mustard
stain on her curtain behind the door and also led them to the hose
that was trailing through the yard to the back door left on. Then
proceeded to tell them she found the cool whip bowl in the bath tub.
Just goes to show you you can never REALLY fool your parents. Trust
me THEY KNOW!!
24. When I had just turned 16, my parents let me take their
car to school to show off that I had gotten my license. I was to
call the minute I got home so they knew I was not out joy-riding. So
I got home, pulled in the driveway and realized I didn't have a
house key. My parents came home 3 hours later, angry, thinking I'd
been out cruising around in their car. When I said I was locked out
my mother replied, "Why didn't you use the garage door opener?" DUH!
They decided sitting in the car for 3 hours with nothing to do but
my homework was punishment enough.
25. This is a funny but true story. I worked at a plumbing
company as a receptionist and just received a call that a "pumper
van" was coming in for a quick repair before going out on an
emergency call. When I had asked what the repair was that was
needed, I was told that the van door was broke and asked to have the
mechanic handy for when the truck pulled in. A little while later;
the van pulled in and I saw the mechanic go out to repair the door.
About 20 minutes later, I heard a lot of noise and commotion
outside; and upon looking out the window-I could not help but laugh
and call my coworkers over. How many mechanics and plumbers are
necessary to repair a stuck van door at Spartan Plumbing Company? 9,
one to hold the van door still, while there are 4 others; pushing
the van back and forth on each end!
26. I am a very clumsy person, and this is one of the many
stupid things I have done. I had a cat that I was very protective
of, and every time he would go outside I would worry about him. I
always ended up chasing him down and bringing him in. Sometimes it
would take hours to coax him in to the house. One day after about an
hour and a half of chasing him, I decided to just go into the house
and wait for him to come in on his own. About 15 minutes later I
looked out the door and there he was sitting on the porch. I decided
to sneak out and grab him. Right as I went to pick him up, he took
off running. I was so intent on catching him that I didn't notice
when the porch ran out, and I fell three feet landing flat on my
face. I ended up with a broken nose and two black eyes.
27. One day I was preparing a meal and my 18 month old was
being too "helpful." I decided to give him a couple of plastic
canisters and a spoon to use as a drum stick on the lids of the
canisters. I set him on the living room carpet with his "drums" and
was watching him as I cooked. Seeing how content he was, I sneaked
off to the bathroom for just a minute. I returned to find that he
had opened the canisters of flour and oatmeal and had mixed them
together into the carpet! I never thought he could get the lids off.
Seeing him so innocent with oatmeal in his clothes and flour on his
fuzzy head, I couldn't stop laughing. -giggle, giggle, ha ha!
28. One time my mother and her twin sister and her two
daughters went to a department store in a little town outside of
where we live. My mother went into the store with dark glasses on
and was pretending to be blind. To say the least us girls were
really embarrassed. My mom was knocking things over and yelling at
my aunt about the color and price of things. The sales lady in the
store was walking around behind my mom picking things up off the
floor while telling them it was ok.. My mom turned around and asked
my aunt who said that my aunt said it was just the sales lady then
my mom walked right up to her and ran her hands all over the woman's
face. Finally they decided it was time to go so my mom handed my
aunt her wallet and she paid for the items that my mom happened not
to break. We went outside to the car and my mom went around to the
drivers side and got in the car. The looks on those peoples faces in
the store is one you will never forget!
29. When I was still married my husband went to the basement
to work on the broken hot water heater. After I while I thought I
smelled something burning. I ran to the basement, threw open the
door, and yelled "I think something is on fire!" He said, "Shut up
stupid it's me." He had lit a match to get a better look! The gas
water heater threw flames out and burned off all his facial hair.
Guess I wasn't the stupid one after all.
30. This is not an excuse, but a really dorky thing I did.
Any way. I wear earplugs at night because my husband snores often
and I am a light sleeper. One night I had been most the way asleep
and my husband decides that he is feeling frisky and we have some
lovins. Problem is I forgot all about the the earplugs because I was
still a little groggy. When it was over I asked if he was done and
he didn't answer so I repeated myself and he finally pulled out one
of my earplugs and said "yes already and stop yelling" but we were
both laughing so hard by then it to was to funny to be embarrassing.
31. Funny Story..........and true. My sister-in-law was
pregnant when she was 18 years old. Being that age she was still
modest when she was in the delivery room with her Dr. and his young,
cute assistant. They numbed her and she was pushing. After it was
over she yells out, "what's that smell?" A nurse could hardly
contain herself when she had to tell her she pooped all over the
place!
32. I have an example of how you can't fool your parents. My
best friend and I were probably 16 or 17 and were at her house. Her
mom was going out and we knew she wouldn't be back until the
following morning, so we had a party. We had lots of beer (they had
tabs on them then) and lots of people over. Around 3am we were very
drunk and couldn't hardly walk but we knew we had to clean up before
we could go to bed. So we crawled around on our hands and knees
cleaning up every single beer tab, even checking under every pillow
and couch cushion! We even mopped up in the kitchen floor, took out
the trash, and emptied all the ash trays. Thinking we did a fine job
we went to bed. The next thing we know we hear this "whooshing"
sound fly over our heads. It was her mom throwing the 6 pack of beer
she found in the refrigerator across the room! To this day we still
can't believe we did all that cleaning just to forget the fridge!
33. I was working as a waitress in a restaurant in
university. I was only about 19 years old and I was serving a table
of 3 women. Well, I went up to them and said in my chipper waitress
voice, "Hi! how are you doing today?" One of the women turned to me
and said, "Not too good. We just lost my nephew today." In earnest,
I looked at her in shock and dismay and said, "Oh my God! Did you
find him?" She looked at me for a second, and very patiently and
politely, holding back a grin, she told me that the boy had died
that morning! You can't even imagine how bad I felt!!! I apologized
over and over again and bought their drinks but she kept saying it
was okay and laughing at the same time. I figure that through my
stupidity, I brought some joy to a woman's sad day.
34. One day, while out of town, my daughter and I decided to
stop at McDonald's to grab something quick for supper before heading
home. She went into the restroom after we ordered. She was seeming
to take a long time, so I went in there and feeling ornery, started
making grunting noises. Then, I started making farting noises with
my mouth and hand, all the time trying so very hard not to laugh.
All of a sudden, another person came out of the stall beside her,
and it was a McDonald's employee!! I hadn't looked under the stalls
to see if anyone else was in there, so you can imagine my
surprise!!!! I just looked at her horrified and made a funny face
like, "Man, someone is really doing a job in there!" and kind of
laughed. She looked at me in the same manner. Then she walked out
and my daughter came out of the stall and said while laughing
hysterically, "Man, Mom, did you hear that lady next to me?!?!??" We
were laughing so hard, I couldn't even tell her that it was ME
making the sounds until we finally made it back to the car! We still
have a good laugh about this to this day!!!!
35. The morning after drinking a little to much, I was
driving my brothers bug home and my alcohol decided to come back up,
fast. My mother would flip her lid if she found out about me getting
drunk and my brother would disown me if he knew I drank to much (or
drank at all) and barfed in HIS bug. So when I got home I said that
the night before me and my friend had mixed milk, orange juice,
marshmallows, and other miscellaneous food in a blender to make
nasty drinks so we could dare each other and her sister to drink
them. I said that it was so sick it made me puck the morning after.
They believed me! All I had to do was clean it all up really well.
There was another time when I snuck out my window thinking I could
get back in easily the way I always had, by stepping up on the small
wood lining that went around the front of the house. Well, a lot of
work had been done on my house, I hadn't noticed that the wood
lining was gone. So when I came back and was shocked by the fact
that I was caught because I couldn't get back in, I woke up my
brother and asked him to let me in. Being the rat that he is, he had
to go and tell my mom. So I calmly explained that I sat in my window
because I couldn't sleep and ended up falling asleep and loosing my
balance and falling out. I thought it was a good excuse and stuck to
it! My mom didn't quite believe me though.
36. We were in German class and a boy called Jack was dozing
off - the teacher asked him "So Jack, how is it on Mars" in German.
Jack replied what he thought meant very hot but was actually very
gay and there was an uproar from the class. Once the class was quite
and back to work, the teacher interrupts and said "no Jack, we're
talking about Mars, not UrANUS!
37. A few years ago, my boyfriend came over to visit while
both of my parents were at work. Well, one thing let to another, and
we got a little bit too "friendly" one the couch. (I was 17 at the
time, he was 19.) Well, after a few minutes, we both heard a noise
that we took to be the automatic garage door going up, meaning that
one of my parents was home. He runs around the room, grabbing
clothes and then rushes into the bathroom. I, in a state of utter
panic, stand up, naked, and hold a blanket up in front of me. As if
they wouldn't notice I was naked behind it or something. Thank God
that the sound we heard was actually the heater switching on, or I
would have been so busted.
38. True Story: Two Years ago my Mother Passed away and my
brother and two sisters and father were at the funeral home making
the arrangements. One of my sisters brought along her young seven
year old daughter who sat fidgeting in a chair. The wriggling youth
sat next to me and her father on the other side of her. She kept
wiggling around in her chair and then she bent waaaay over in her
chair and let out the loudest fart I have ever heard in my life. I
glance over at my brother just in time to see his shoulders shaking
as we both tried in vain to hold in our laughter. Then little Sherry
says "Excuse Me"; with a mad glare from my father, and then Sherry's
tearful "But I didn't mean to". And the the icing on the cake was my
Brother-in-law's Blasé "Leave it to Sherry". Needless to say I had
to leave the room where I escaped to the bathroom where I remained
hysterically laughing until I could regain my composure. It's funny
how in the depths of despair their is humor to be found.
39. We were eating at a restaurant with my husband's family.
There was 6 of us, seated in one of those big round booths. My
nephew Caleb, who was 3 and almost fully potty-trained, suddenly had
to use the bathroom. We were all eating, and no one really wanted to
take him. He was sitting right in the middle of the booth, so no
matter what, everyone would have to move to let him out. "Will you
take him?" "No, you take him." "Why doesn't he take them?" "I don't
want to take him." Finally, my husband Aaron asked, "Caleb, are you
wearing a diaper?" He was. "Just go, then," Aaron joked. It was like
a light bulb appeared above the child's little head, and he sat
there silently for a minute. Everyone was amused by this, and said
nothing. When Caleb continued to sit there, motionless, my husband
laughed, "Are you going?" Caleb smiled very slowly... "yeah..." We
all started cracking up over this, while his mom complained, through
her laughter, about his potty-training being ruined.
40. This is a funny thing that happened to me about a year
ago. I was helping my mom in the yard and was walking back into the
house. I then proceeded to step on the business end of a rake left
on the ground and the rake handle came swinging straight up into my
face. I swear, it was like something out of a cartoon. What made it
worse is that my mom and little sister saw it and laughed for about
five minutes over it.
41. I had managed to slip away from work one morning while
running an errand. I stopped at my apartment to see my wife for a
few minutes. Well one thing led to another, and we ended up making
love for the better part of an hour. As we were lying there naked
and still sweating and panting I heard a noise. I jumped out of bed
and ran to our bedroom door, I looked down the stairs that lead to
our front door, and there stood a rather embarrassed UPS man. He
thought it was the kind of apartment where you go in through a main
door to a second door to the residence. I threw on some cloths and
signed for the package. My wife and I laughed for 20 minutes over
that one, and still chuckle every once and awhile.
42. I play tuba. One day, back when I was in college, I was
walking from one building to another between classes. The buildings
were fairly close together, with a concrete stairway between them,
and it would sometimes get really windy. That day was one of those
windy days, and I was carrying my tuba. A gust of wind hit the bell
of my horn as if it were a sail and blew me-and the tuba- down the
concrete steps. I landed badly, and couldn't get up, so I had to
wait for someone to come along to help me. When he got done
laughing, he contacted campus security. Two officers came, radioed
for a couple more officers, and they laughed all the way to the
campus infirmary. The nurse at the infirmary couldn't keep a
straight face as she told me I'd have to be taken to the hospital
for x-rays. A security officer took me over, where the desk nurses,
ER nurses, and radiology technicians also had a good laugh.
Naturally, I missed class and was late for work...by this time, I
knew exactly what to expect when I called my professor and my
boss-they both laughed like hell. Thankfully, I just had a bad
sprain.
43. This is a true story, but I have to admit I myself would
not have believed it if it didn't happen to me... I was in a hurry
to get to a 9-o'clock meeting in the office, but unfortunately was
driving an old car that had a tendency to choke up and die on me
every once in a while. It took me about 30 minutes to restart the
engine whenever it turned itself off. That day I got to the parking
lot just a tiny bit too late (as usual), and in my hurry decided to
try and get into a very tight parking spot instead of looking for
another one. I did manage to get in, leaving less than an inch
between my car and the car parked on each side, when, of course, the
engine died... and wouldn't start up again. There was no way I could
open any of the car doors, and there was nothing much to do but sit
there, locked in the car, knowing everyone at the meeting I was
supposed to lead wondering what happened to me, feeling absolutely
ridiculous. Only 15 minutes later someone walked by and I had a
brilliant idea: I yelled out to him to come over, threw out the car
keys, and asked him to unlock the back baggage compartment door,
through which I finally managed to climb out... I was laughing so
hard when I finally made it to the meeting, that the other attendees
forgot all their anger. Incidentally, I sold that car a few months
later.
44. One day I went over to my friends house and my friend
was going to go out on a date. Her mother asked me to stay so I
could help her frost her hair. I said, "I've never done that
before." She said, "don't worry, it's simple, you just put this cap
on my head, (cap had little holes in it) take this tool (looked like
a crochet needle) and pull out strands of hair every few holes. So I
did this and when all the hair to be bleached was pulled out she
said, "Great!" She bleached the hair and about an hour later she had
removed all the garb, dried her hair and was primping in front of
the mirror. She said "oh! It looks so good!" And it did, but then
she turned back around to go into the bathroom and admire herself in
the mirror, as she did I notice the back of her head looked like a
dice with exactly five dots on it. Needless to say the next time I
saw her all her hair was cut off.
45. A couple I know decided it was time to redecorate their
bedroom and stripped their old wallpaper off the walls, getting
their 4-year-old son to help them. When this was done, they prepared
the walls and put up some nice, new, modern wallpaper and the room
looked much better -- until the next day, when the mother caught her
son in the room, "helping" his parents by carefully ripping off the
new wallpaper from the walls....
46. I grabbed a slip out of the dryer hurrying to get ready
for work. Finished dressing and shot out the door. Upon arriving at
the patients home, I found he had fallen. As I was unable to lift
him, I ran for a neighbor. We got the patient safely in a chair. A
few minutes later, the neighbor was at the door and handed me
something pink. I unfolded it only to discover to my horror, a pair
of my panties. He smiled and turned away when I said, "my Grandma
said "You never know if you'll be in an accident. Always have clean
underwear!"
47. This isn't an excuse, it's a particularly funny story!!
Well, once my friend and I were walking home from school after a
long hard week, talking merrily amongst ourselves. We started
noticing people giving us peculiar looks on the way home, but
thought nothing of it, as you do. Bad mistake thought. It was only
when we got home that my friend realized her skirt was tucked into
her jacket and had been like that all the way home!! No wonder all
those people were laughing at us!! And of course she blamed me for
not telling her, but the truth is I didn't know!! Honest...
48. When I was about 6 or 7 yrs old, I went to see Sesame
Street Live. I was all dressed up, wearing slip on shoes. I was
short, so my feet didn't touch the ground and I was swinging my feet
back and forth. My shoe flew off, onto the stage, while big bird
was roller skating. He tripped on my shoe and fell.
49. My husband and I have a goldfish pond in the back yard.
The pond was getting very green looking and dirty. Couple days
later I couldn't stand looking at it any more, so I decided to take
some bleach (the kind you use for clothes) and put some in the pond,
well let me tell you after a few seconds later those fish came
jumping out of the water and they all died.
50. I went to this one swimming party and there was one of
my friends with me. He whispered in my ear that he had a really big
fart stored up and he was going to go fart on this one guy that
everybody hated while in the pool. He went over there and started
to let er go when he saw everybody screaming and running out of the
pool. Needless to say, he covered the guy with diarrhea!
51. This is a true story! When I was pregnant with my first
child, the doctor put me on bed rest for the last 2 weeks of my
pregnancy. I was so big that I just decided not to shave my legs.
So when I went into labor, I didn't even think about it. When I was
in the labor room and the nurse was checking me, my mother was in
there. I had been in labor about 20 hours and felt horrible. My
mother looked at this nurse and said "You'll have to excuse her,
she's hairy just like her father!!"
52. Well this isn't an excuse but rather a funny story I
heard on the radio sometime ago in England. It seems it was the
18th birthday of the ex girlfriend of the guy that called in. Her
parents were planning to go out and leave her and her boyfriend in
the house. The parents said they had left a bottle of wine (18
being the legal drinking age in England) and some food in the
kitchen. Well they opened the wine and drank most of it. Being
slightly drunk one thing led to another and both ended up naked and
hungry. She hoped on his back and he carried her towards the
kitchen, her breasts over his shoulders. As they opened the kitchen
door they heard "SURPRISE!!" all her family and neighbors were in
the kitchen for a surprise party! She just ran upstairs and didn't
come back down again. He finished by saying "I didn't see much of
her after that".
53. In first grade, I was in the middle of a math test.
Almost 30 kids were in the room including me. Everything was as
quiet as it could be. All of a sudden, I farted really big! I
mean, you could almost hear it through the windows. Everybody
laughed like heck! The teacher just went "ohh." Talk about total
humiliation.
54. A young manager of a convenience store was having a
problem with a rough looking group of loiters outside. I suggested
he do what one seasoned manager I worked for finally did to drive
some loiters away. He sent me outside with a broom, a mop and a
bucket full of the most awful smelling chemical solution of bleach
and who knows what else and asked me to clean the pavement near the
loiters were. Within minutes without a word they were gone. Their
excuse: "This places stinks, let's go some place else."
55. The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I was
about 15, it was a very wet day and I was walking up my street
towards the bus-stop to get to school, I had walked this way many
times before, having no problems at all. Waiting at the stop was
this girl I have fancied for AGES, I casually started to walk
towards her, when my foot slipped on the curb. I went flying on the
floor, and because of the surprise of it all I let out a huge fart
right in front of her!! I was completely embarrassed and went
bright red. Everyone there just began laughing and clapping at me!
From then on I have always been given the nickname 'Kirby' from my
friends, and to my shock, even the girl calls me it!! That was
definitely the most embarrassing moment of my life!
56. I was 27 and coming out of a very bad marriage. My best
friends decided to "set up" a blind date for me. I've never been in
favor of blind dates but was feeling particularly blue since my
birthday was coming up and I had no one to share it with, so I
agreed. I received a telephone call from my date on a Wednesday
evening. He sounded too good to be true and we talked for over an
hour. He told me that since it would be my birthday that I should
pick out what we would do for the evening. I was more than willing
to do this and said that dinner and a movie would be terrific. He
agreed and we arranged for him to pick me up on Saturday evening.
Right on time Saturday there was a knock on my door. I opened it
and found a beautiful Golden Retriever sitting on my doorstep,
attached to my date, who really was blind. My friends had not told
me and neither had he. I had planned for us to see a romantic chick
flick, imagine how embarrassed I was when the first thing out of my
mouth was, "Oh you must be my BLIND date?" "Obviously!" he replied
with good humor. We are still friends to this day and still laugh
about our first meeting.
57. This isn't an excuse, just a funny and absolutely true
tale demonstrating my bad luck. I had just turned 16 and bought my
first car, a bright yellow 1981 Datsun 210. Well, the first day I
had it on a school day, I decided to celebrate by skipping school.
Needless to say, I got caught, as I always did. My mother was
driving by the high school and DID NOT see my bright yellow car in
the parking lot, so immediately knew I was playing hokey. I was
hanging out with my boyfriend's brother at an apartment not too far
from home, but my parents had never been here and didn't know where
it was because I had just started going out with the boyfriend.
Nevertheless, my mother showed up at the door of the apartment and
asked my boyfriend's brother if I was there, while I hid behind the
couch. I told him to lie and he did, even though my mother told him
she thought it was weird that I wasn't there because my CAR was.
When she left, I knew the jig was up and decided to flee. To where,
I don't know, I was eventually going to have to come home, but my
brain wasn't functioning on that level. I made my boyfriend's
brother come with me, I guess so that my parents wouldn't unleash
their full wrath because someone else was there. Anyway, I was
driving down one of the main streets and I look in the rearview
mirror and my DAD is right behind me looking about ready to kill
me! I was shocked because my dad worked 45 minutes away from home
and must have been specifically called by my mother. I don't know
WHAT I was thinking, because I just sped up as if I was going to
outrun him or something. It was straight out of a COPS episode.
Finally, I just turned around and went home, because where was I
going to go? My dad was right behind me the entire time and we got
home and told my boyfriend's brother he would drive him home (since
I certainly wasn't going anywhere!). He declined saying he would
walk and RAN away. I was in SO much trouble and my parents even
took me to the dean's office in the middle of the school day, which
completed my humiliation. What I learned from this was that if I
was going to skip school to leave my car in the parking lot and have
someone pick me up.
58. During an Army war game a commanding officer's jeep got
stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and
asked them to help him get unstuck. "Sorry sir," said one of the
loafers, "but we've been classified dead and the umpire said we
couldn't contribute in any way." The C.O. turned to his driver and
said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw
them under the wheels to give us some traction."
59. I was already in my PJs when I realized we were out of
eggs for breakfast on Christmas Eve. We had a lot of people showing
up at 8 am for breakfast. So I drove my 14 yr old daughter to the
store and waited in the mini van while she ran in for the missing
items. I told her to hurry as I didn't want anyone to see me
driving around in my PJs. I was circling the parking lot waiting
for her to come out. I was coming back up the lane when I saw her
come out of the store and get into a mini van of the same color
right in front of the store. I had jump out (in my PJs) and yell to
get her attention. I'm not sure who was more embarrassed, me for
having to get out of the van in my PJs or her for getting in the
wrong van.
60. While vacationing in Jamaica, at the Fiesta Americana
Hotel, I was swimming in the pool and as I went to get out, instead
of using the steps I decided to pull myself up from the side. As I
did my trunks slid all the way to my knees and I mooned everyone on
the other side of the pool. I quickly jumped back in and pulled up
my shorts. When I looked over to see if anyone had seen this, there
was an older lady laying with the biggest smile I had ever seen. I
didn't use the pool the rest of our vacation.
61. This is a funny story that my friend told me. When she
was little, she was visiting the zoo with her family. She was in
the section with the lions when the lion in the cage turned and peed
on a 16-17 year old girl. The girl was drenched head to toe with
the lion's pee. It was funny. -Sparky
62. I live in Australia and this comes from when I was in
Year 7. I had a Science project on space and a boy was given the
topic of aliens, he was supposed to make a model of a space craft an
alien would use but he failed to do so an when it was due he was in
deep shit one of the other boys had the topic of Saturn (For those
of u that don't know Saturn has rings and if you use your
imagination looks vaguely like a UFO) The boy who had the topic of
aliens saw this and had an Idea. When the teacher reached him he
yelled He stole my model and pointed at the boy with the model of
Saturn the teacher laughed at this and forgot to mark him as not
doing all of his project and accidentally gave him full marks for
the model!!!! (This is true!)
63. This is a true story: My husband's friend, Rick wanted
me to order some parts for the classic car that he was restoring.
The catalog clearly stated it's payment options: COD, Master Card,
Visa. So after Rick decided on the parts he needed he asked if they
would take his Discover card because he didn't know what the hell
the COD Card was. My husband asked Rick where he was from- West
Virginia?????????? This may be one of those jokes where you had to
be there but it sure was funny at the time.
64. I had a vicious bout of hay fever this past summer. My
mother and I went to Wal-Mart to buy some anti-histamine. While
waiting in line, I sneezed. But it was not just a normal sneeze.
It was a "double-barreled sneeze." That's when you sneeze and fart
at the same time. Everyone heard... you know how good the acoustics
are in large department stores! And there I was, right in the front
of the store, with no place to hide. I was so embarrassed!
65. I was at Six Flags with my boyfriend last year. We were
waiting in a very long line for the Superman roller coaster. When
we were almost to the front of the line, I realized that I had to
poop. Since I didn't want to lose our place in the line, I decided
to wait until after the ride. We got on the ride and all went well
until I had to pass some gas. Well, it wasn't gas. Yes, you guessed
it... I crapped my pants! To make matters worse, my boyfriend had
to ride in the car with me for the way back. All the way home he
kept on saying that he smelt poop. I lied and said I stepped in dog
poop. Luckily he believed me! I almost died!!!
66. I work at a local gas station in my town. I'm usually
alone on the job, so whenever customers don't come in I get to do
other things like stocking shelves and cleaning. One night, when it
was really slow, I decided to go over to the shelves and fill cups.
While I was standing there, I had to pass gas. Being all by myself
in the empty store, I felt at ease... and it came out kinda loud. I
turned around and stared right at a customer. She had walked in
moments ago. And she had heard me fart! My face turned bright red
and all I could ask was "Can I help you?" That was definitely
traumatic.
67. I was in 8th grade and our gym class was co-ed. I was
never very popular, being an overweight girl with acne. (Thank God
things change!) But it was a required class, so there I was. We
were all lined up in rows, laying on the floor doing sit-ups. Well,
as I said, I was overweight and it was not easy doing sit-ups! I
guess I strained a bit and all of a sudden, you guessed it... I
farted very loudly. Noises echo in a big, old gymnasium... even the
laughter.
68. I used to carry around a container of mace in my pocket
book. Just to be safe, you know? I never used it, so one day when
I was cleaning out my pocket book, I just threw the mace in my
underwear drawer. Later that day I took a shower and grabbed a
fresh pair of panties. Boy, what a shock! There had to have been a
slow leak in the mace container, because I started to burn and swell
"down there." I put ice between my legs so I wouldn't blister, and
then I called the hospital. They told me to call the poison control
center. I had the phone in one hand, and the ice in the other. It
was horrible! Now I know what that nuclear meltdown at Three Mile
Island must have been like, because I was on fire and my ice was
melting fast! The guys from poison control were on their knees,
laughing. And so was I, despite the pain. Now I'm known as "Hot
Pants - The Hottest Pants in Crestview, Florida."
69. The most embarrassing moment of my life happened to me
when I was in the eighth grade. I was in science class, listening
to my teacher give a pretty boring lecture. I'm a girl. The guy
sitting next to me was making fun of the shirt I was wearing that
day. He just kept on and on, until I finally got up and moved to
the front of the class. I had eaten pizza for lunch, so my stomach
had been churning all day. I knew that I had to pass gas, but I
didn't want to add that to the list of reasons why my fellow
classmates could make fun of me, so I held it in. When the class
was almost over, I suddenly had to sneeze, and the fart I had been
holding in for so long came out at the same time, sounding like a
trumpet tuning up. I sat there with a red face, totally humiliated,
while the rest of the class almost died laughing. To make matters
worse, my fart was so stinky, my teacher had to hold her nose to
finish her lecture. For the remainder of the year I was known as
the "fart gun."
70. My three-year-old son, Matt, had a lot of problems with
potty training. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch
in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I
checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I
realized that Matt had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked
him, and he said "No." I kept thinking, oh Lord, that child has had
an accident and I didn't have any clothes with me. I asked again,
"Matt, are you sure you did not have an accident?" "No," he
replied. I just knew that he must have, cause the smell was getting
worse. So, I asked one more time, "Matt, did you have an accident?"
This time, with a little smirk on his face, he jumped up, yanked
down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and
yelled........."See Mom, it's just gas!!" While 50 people nearly
choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up his pants and
sat down to eat his food as if nothing happened. I was mortified,
but some kind elderly people made me feel a lot better, when they
came over and thanked me for the best laugh they had ever had!
71. Well when I was 17, I went to this party which turned
out pretty good and everyone got drunk as hell. Well at the end
none of could be bothered going home and decided to sleep over the
night! Well I needed to go for a pee and as I was just in my boxers
I couldn't be bothered pulling my boxers down so I just opened the
button and I forgot about doing it back up so when I got back the
group that were talking while trying to fall asleep everyone saw my
"one eye trouser snake", I was so embarrassed but all turned out
well that night because when the lights turned out Amy Stevenson had
jumped in my bed and the rest you can imagine!! The guys try to
hassle me about that, but it just reminds me off her!! :)
72. One day we were watching a video about how India was
taken over by Britain and how the people were forced into labor.
The guy in the video was saying how he got paid 25 rubies per
month. I thought he said he was paid 25 cookies per month. I
started to laugh even during the part where the video said that
people died during the labor. No one could understand what I was
laughing at and they kept on giving me strange looks.
73. We were about to have a biology test and nobody was in
the mood to take it. Some people were saying they were confused,
weren't here the day before. Then out of nowhere one girl says
"Yesterday I got a concussion and lost some of my memory and now I
can't remember what we learned!" She was dead serious.
74. Imagine the most accident-prone person in your life that
you have ever known. Double it, and you have my grandma. She had a
bag case of diarrhea that just creeps up on you and bites you in the
butt. (literally....haha) She ran for the bathroom (she was in the
Library--of all places), but didn't even make it to the stall. It
ran all down her leg, filled her shoe, and went all over the floor.
She had to throw her "undies" in the trash, and run out the door,
before anyone discovered the mess. Lets just say, it was a little
breezy the whole walk home!
75. One day my sister and I were at Kmart doing some
shopping when she needed to use the bathroom. She went in to use
the toilet and like most people she doesn't sit on the seat until
she covers it with toilet paper. I was looking at the clothes when
she walked up to me and we continued to browse, while browsing some
kind lady walks up to my sister from behind and informs her that she
has a very long strand of toilet paper hanging out of her pants. My
sister, totally embarrassed reaches around pulls the toilet paper
out of her pants and goes, I was just saving it for later, the lady
gives her a funny look and walks away and I'm laughing, really hard
and then she smacks me on the arm and goes, you could have told me,
no you leave it up to a stranger. I honestly didn't see the toilet
paper, she walked up to me. I then had to use the bathroom myself
from laughing so hard.
76. This happened a few years ago at my birthday party. All
my friends were over and we decided to play Hide and Go Seek at
night. We were going in and out of the house a lot. I exited the
house through the patio door which had a glass door and a screen
door. When I left, the glass door was open, and I shut the screen
door behind me. I circled the house, and went back inside through
the patio door. What I didn't know, was that while I was outside,
my mother had shut the glass door. I whipped open the screen and
tried to go in, only to be stopped by the glass. Only my mother saw
this, but she had to go and tell everyone about it. She told them
when we were done playing, and by that time I had forgotten about
the whole thing. I walk in to see all my friends laughing their
heads off. I asked them what was so funny, I honestly couldn't
remember. One of my friends walked up to me, smacked me on the
forehead, and said, " Does this ring a bell, Punky?" They still bug
me about it four years later.
77. I recently accompanied my partner to a walk-in clinic.
She had an extremely painful cyst on an extremely "private area."
We were sitting in the waiting area, when we smelled something
disgusting! After looking at each other with slanted faces, we got
up to move to the other side of the room. But the smell got worse.
Then her name was called, and we went in to the exam room. The
doctor gave her instructions to remove her clothes. He left the
room to give us some privacy while she got undressed. That's when
we realized that her cist had burst... and the stench was coming
from HER!!! The stuff that oozed out of her cyst stank to high
heaven!
78. My most embarrassing moment happened several years ago.
I was in the Navy and was living in a barrack with a bunch of other
soldiers. It was a Sunday and visitors were allowed in the rooms.
I actually had forgotten what day it was and had gone to take a
shower naked, caring my towel around my neck. I took my shower and
stepped out of the shower room and... suddenly there were women all
over the place! Moms, dads, girlfriends you name it - and they were
there. I thought to myself if I put the towel over my head and ran
down the hall to my room no one would be able to recognize me, so I
did. Later I was in the lounge, watching TV, when suddenly this
beautiful young lady and her boyfriend, came up to me. Imagine how
I felt when they said "Hi Red, what's up?"
79. We were on holiday with our friends in Canada, at a
summer tennis tournament. My sister, my friend and I were over on
the swings. There was also a trapeze bar. My sister decided to show
off, but this turned out to be a bad idea. As she did a flip over
the trapeze (like a summersault) she let out this huge loud fart!
To make it worse, it just kept on going as she went around the
trapeze. She was so embarrassed, but my friend and I were killing
ourselves laughing. Then this little girl who was on the swings
next to us said: "Eeew, that's gross!" and ran away! My sister
has never been so embarrassed in all her life!
80. The Play: I had the lead part in my high school play in
my Senior year. The roll called for me to play a young girl who had
been kidnapped. The opening night finally arrived and my parents
were ready in the audience with the video camera. The school gym
was jam packed with parents, students and faculty and everyone in
the play was really jazzed. The play was going along fine until the
3rd act. The script called for me to peak my head behind a couple
of paper curtains and make a big show of looking around. Then I was
supposed to declare in a really loud voice that I didn't see
anything back there. My scene came along and I head back to the
curtains, pull them apart and stick my head in. All I saw was a
line of naked butts. Five of the guys in my class had decided that
wouldn't it be super funny to moon me during that scene. I was SO
shocked to see that unexpected sight I just stood there. For a
really, really long time. The audience was really quiet and I could
hear the drama coach hissing my line at me. But I just stood there
trying to stop from laughing so hard. Finally I turned around and
said in a REALLY loud voice that there was definitely nothing of
interest back there. I wanted to kill those five guys! When the
play was over, everyone I knew asked me why I had frozen on the
stage and no one would believe me when I explained. I was mortified
because everyone still thinks I was making that up.
81. Wrong Bed: My moment of shame occurred when my wife and
I joined her parents for a weekend at their holiday home on the
coast. It had been a blazing hot day and I had just finished a
twelve hour shift. All I wanted to do, was to enjoy an icy cold
beer, then retire to bed for some much needed shut eye. After a
long drive we finally reached our destination. My in-laws were most
glad to see us, and my father in-law in particular seemed to relish
the prospect of sinking a few ales with the young man who had won
his daughters heart. Well one thing led to another, my early night
soon became a very late one, and a couple quite cold ones became
quite a few loud ones. A few hours later I found myself in a state
of complete exhaustion. The lack of sleep and the copious
quantities of alcohol had, by now, taken their toll on me. I was
dead to the world, so I wished everyone a drunken good night and
staggered to bed. I awoke later that night desperate to go to the
toilet. My bladder was so full that my normally flat stomach
protruded in a little pot. I got out of bed, careful not to wake my
wife, put on my robe and felt my way through the dark and unfamiliar
house like a blind man till I found the toilet. Arrggh, sweet
relief! I slowly and carefully ran my hands along the walls till I
relocated our bedroom. I dropped my robe, and naked as a babe I sat
down on the side of the bed. I felt the form of my wife, who had
obviously rolled over to my side of the bed. I gave her a gentle
nudge and asked her to roll over. This form was not my wife, and it
rapidly became apparent that this was not my room ` WHAT'S GOING
ON!` the male voice demanded. It was my father in law. In a high
pitched and panicked voice I whimpered `Oh no, wrong room`. I
grabbed my robe and bolted with all my might out of the room. The
worst of it was that I could see a light come on behind me. My bare
bum would have been highly visible to both of my wife's parents. I
wanted to die. As I crawled into bed, I told my wife about my
little misadventure. She bust a gut she was laughing so hard. Then
I could hear the laughter from the adjoining bedroom. What a mess.
82. One day during the dead cold of winter, I stopped by the
bank to make a deposit at the drive-through window. The teller made
the deposit and sent the receipt back through the tube. As I was
replacing the holder back in the tube, I was looking at the teller
and smiling wide. Meanwhile, I unknowingly placed my gloved hand on
the power window switch. The window rolled up, catching me just
under my top teeth and wedging my head in the window. The teller
was looking at me in a state of total shock, her eyes as wide as
mine, as I fumbled to find the "down" switch so as to free my head.
As I pulled out of the drive all I could see was both of the tellers
doubled over in laughter.
83. I am a nurse. One night everyone on my shift (nights)
went out to dinner before work... to a Mexican restaurant. It was
about 2:00 AM when it hit me. The worst case of flatulence I have
ever had in my life! Not wanting to embarrass myself in front of my
colleagues, I proceeded very quickly to the end of the hall to an
empty room. Once in, I closed the door and farted like I never have
before or since. When I opened the door to leave I heard a male
voice ask "nurse, you mind opening a window before you leave?" One
of the ER doctors had ducked into the room for a nap!
84. This story happened to a friend of our families and we
have laughed about it many, many, times over the years. Since the
person it happened to would literally die if she knew I was doing
this, I am changing her name to Sue. She had never water skied and
my dad was trying to teach her how. I'd guess that there were about
8 attempts where she was dragged in the water, then lost hold of the
rope without ever coming up on top of the water. Finally, when she
did get on top of the water she was too scared to stand up. So, she
rode for about 3 or 4 minutes squatting on the skies before she fell
back into the water. She didn't want to try again so she got into
the boat. As soon as she got in the boat she told my dad she needed
to go to the bathroom. Dad told her it was a good ways to get where
there was a bathroom and suggested she get back in the water and
go. She blushed and said that she had to poop. So, dad told her OK
and that he would head to the nearest dock. He then proceeded to
pull in the ski rope. Before he got the rope in, Sue just
completely lost all control and pooped all over the boat.
Evidentially, while she was being pulled squatting across the lake,
she was getting a very effective enema. Our family has dubbed her
the SUPER POOPER! Yesterday, I had all of my family over for a cook
out and we got to talking about the large number of people my dad
has taught to water-ski over the years and all I had to say was,
"and then there was Sue!" and we all cracked up. She would kill us
all if she know that we are still laughing after all this time.
85. One time, my friends and I went on a field trip for
school. We were walking around in the parking lot of a Burger King,
when all of a sudden, I turned around to see my friend fall
backwards. I saw something fly up. The teachers rushed to him, and
he had to go to the hospital and get stitches. Later, we found out
he had slipped on a banana peel that was smothered in tar. I still
chuckle about it.
86. This is a true story. I lived in the back of a mobile
home park and across the street there was some broken concrete. One
day I found a small chunk of concrete in my yard (I guess one of the
kids had brought it over) so I thought I'd just tossed it back
across the street. Unfortunately, I had forgotten why I was always
the last one to be picked for a game of baseball when I was a kid -
my aim was terrible! I released the concrete too late (I was
throwing underhand) and instead of it going out across the street,
it went almost straight up into the air and hit a tree limb. That
was embarrassing enough, but have you ever had that sinking feeling
in the pit of your stomach when you realize something bad is about
to happen and you can't do anything about it? Well, as the concrete
was on its way back down, after bouncing off the tree limb, I
realized where it was headed - right smack into the middle of the
driver's side of my car windshield. The worst part was when I had
to explain to my insurance company how the glass got broke.
Needless to say, from then on I carried any concrete chunks I found
back across the street.
87. I don't know what category this belongs in, but it
happened to me when I was performing with a circus one season. I've
been in show business for over 40 years, films, TV, stage, radio,
records, rodeos, and circuses. Since I was (many years ago!) a
singing cowboy star, I would tour with my white stallion & my fancy
cowboy costumes, six guns, and big white Stetson. I would ride out
into the main ring, rear the horse up and wave my hat to the crowd.
Well, on this fateful day, the big top was packed to standing room
only, I did my thing, but this time for some unknown reason, I slid
off the saddle like it was greased, and fell flat on my butt. Well,
I got up, got back on my horse (he was looking at me like "What the
hell is wrong with you?"), looked at the crowd in dead silence, then
said, "You know, folks, someday I'm gonna find an easier way to get
off this damned horse!" The crowd roared and it was the hit of the
show.
88. In my history class, this teacher always played jokes on
everyone except me throughout the entire school year. One day, I
finally came up with the idea of putting white, clear, cake gel on
his bald head. When the opportunity came, it was on a day that he
was letting two girls from our class teach the class. The true
teacher was acting like a student, spitting gum at the front of the
room, turning out the lights, etc. When I was going to put the gel
in his hair, I walked out of my seat while he was sitting down.
Then I went back when he got up out of the seat. He then got out of
the seat, acting like a student, wanting to fight me. Then, I put
the gel in his hair, resulting in the biggest laugh you'll ever hear
inside a high-school classroom. Some of the teachers in the
surrounding-walled-rooms complained about the laughing.
89. During one of my music classes in grade 5, I was sitting
on the floor next to the cutest girl when I let out the biggest,
loudest, deadliest fart. It was the most humiliating thing ever.
Everyone laughed at me for like 10 minutes. People still don't let
me forget about it.
90. This is true: right know I work on fishing boats and a
couple of days ago we landed in port and I was supposed to go to the
company house right then to fax in my paperwork. Instead I hung out
for 2 hours and told the office that we had picked up a deckhand off
of another boat who had jumped overboard the night before because
the skipper and other deckhand were sexually harassing him. When we
got to port the police were waiting for him and there will likely be
a huge inquest with me and my boat as witnesses!!!
91. I am 19 now, but like two years ago when I was 17 I got
my tongue pierced. One night me and my boyfriend of two months (he
also had his tongue pierced) started making out in the back seat of
one of our friend's car. We started kissing and feeling each other
up, when all of a sudden I went to pull away and our tongues were
stuck! Somehow our tongue rings had twisted around each other and we
couldn't get them unstuck. We tried everything to get untangled,
but nothing worked. We had to get our friends to drive us to the ER
so that the doctors could fix the problem. We are still together and
we laugh about it every time that we start to make out. It is funny
now, but then, it was a nightmare!
92. On a last minute decision to go camping, my now husband
and I threw a bunch of stuff in the back of my truck that had a cab
on it. Arriving after dark and tired, we decided to skip the tent
and took some black plastic garbage bags and stuck them to the
windows for privacy figuring the static would hold them up and
promptly fell asleep. Around 5:30 AM the next morning we began to
make love. After a few minutes we heard outside one of the smaller
windows facing a stream, "Go get Mom and a bucket of water! These
people are stuck like the dog!" from a rather young voice. The
plastic had dropped from one of the windows! Even after an hour I
was still so embarrassed I wouldn't come out of the truck but my
wonderful & witty husband got out in his hiking shorts, stretched &
scratched his ribs then said rather loud, "Nature! Brings out the
beast in me every time!". I poked my head out to see parents with
lots of smiles & smirks - then someone yelled, "Why do you think we
kicked the kids out so early?". Everyone but the kids in the
campsite were laughing pretty hard.
93. Here is the funny thing my friend said when we were
driving to one of the games. It was dark and he thought he spotted
someone cute in the other car, when we pulled up he said... "Wait,
You're not hot. You're a guy!"
94. I was having a party & All of my friends & I were
hanging out in the kitchen. I was sitting on the counter & kicking
the cabinets below me. The cabinets had little knobs on them ( you
know, to open them with) & when I tried to jump off of the counter,
my pants got stuck on the knobs. I fell & hit my head on the table
that was right in front of me and then ended up on my face on the
linoleum floor. Yes it hurt. But not only did I hurt myself but I
also ripped the cabinet door in half.
95. My Brother-in-law wanted to add access to his attic from
his garage. After much consideration, he started cutting a hole
into the ceiling and was rather surprised when he found a floor on
the other side that was actually carpeted (cool! he thought). The
kicker?. His wife coming out to tell him his little three year old
daughter had come running downstairs screaming there was a monster
coming through the floor out from under her bed! He had cut a hole
through the second floor and into her room!!!
96. My ex-husband and I were going down HWY 41 in Florida,
when all of a sudden my husband fell out of the car! The worst part
was he was driving! It was a hot summer day so he had his window
rolled down, elbow resting on the edge. The car began to swerve, I
looked over to see him hanging onto the door, because he was a tall
gent, his feet were still inside the car. So there he is flapping
in the breeze. I asked, "What are you doing?" He said: "I fell
out" meantime I'm steering the car. "Well, get back in." I
yelled. He replied: "I can't!" Down HWY 41 we kept going. So I
steered the car until we reached the next intersection, hung a right
hand turn, pulled us safely into a parking lot. The look on peoples
faces as we drove past with this guy hanging out the drivers side.
I wasn't sure what kind of look to return back at them. After the
car came to a complete stop, my ex climbed back in, he said he could
feel the road passing right under his butt! We just looked at each
other and laughed so hard our sides hurt. Well, even after 15 years
I still bust out laughing every time I think about it.
97. A funny story, I'm a career firefighter and on this day
was driving the pumper. As soon as we responded for a house on
fire, my Sgt. asked me to drive smooth because he had to poop. I
did my best but forgot about a huge bump in the middle of the
intersection that I hit about 40 mph. Of course the Sgt. messed his
pants. We quickly stopped at the McDonalds, he ran into the
bathroom and threw his underwear away and came back to the fire
truck. We continued responding to the house on fire which was the
real thing.
98. I was about eleven yrs old back in '56. Our house had
only wood stoves. I was getting a bunch of small, finely split wood
for starting a fire when the Pastor drove up. I said hi and he went
in the house to talk with my mother and dad. A few minutes later, I
came in with a load of wood. 'Here are your star farters Mom'. For
a few seconds the silence was noticeable, then Mom asked, "What did
you say?" And I started to repeat it. I said "here are your
star...far...oops here are your fire starters Mom." This really
happened!! I didn't get in any real trouble, and we all had a good
laugh.
99. I was carrying a full load at college and driving part
time for the delivery company that delivers the morning Newspaper.
Being one of the later routes and being part way thru the route, it
is not uncommon for the 'early birds', the early kids to be on this
one station. In fact, the last couple days someone had been there.
One Saturday morning, I was especially tired and came driving into
the station and didn't notice that there was a body there. The
routes were almost all boy carriers. The truck was a stake bed
truck and I unlatched the side gate, stepped up on the bottom of the
tire with my right foot and started to step on the top when this
very sweet, sexy voice says "are you going to be here tomorrow?". I
missed the tire and almost killed myself. She was gorgeous, a
beautiful college age young lady. What a wake up!!!
100. This happened a while back when we still had a
roommate. We were all getting ready to watch a movie and our
roommate had just finished heating up her dinner in a pot on the
stove. We all sat down to watch the movie and half way through the
previews we smelled something strange. Everyone must have noticed
it at the same time because we all looked at our roommate as she was
picking up the still very hot pot to eat and we all looked in horror
at the circle of melting carpet! She had put the hot pot down and
neglected to put some kind of potholder down to protect the floor
from the heat of the pot! Now we have this huge circle where the
heat affected the carpet. We have to cover it up now with ANOTHER
carpet and this will be funny explaining to our landlady when we
move out!
Well friends there is still my funny things but this page is too
large to add more here. Please go to the
Funny Things
That People Say and Do 2 page for more stories!
If you have any stories you would like to share here, please go to the
Submit Excuses
page and send yours in!
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Madtbone
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