1000. The ultimate
get out of work free excuse is a back injury. Very hard for doctors
to discredit, and Employers are required to give you off with no
penalty and sometimes even pay per the FMLA. This one rocks, and my
last doctors note said may occur five-six more times a year. Good
Times.
1001. Call in and
say, "A few of my friends played a practical joke on me... they
thought it would be funny to let the air out of a few of my tires!
Well I only have 1 spare and I can't get 2 of the other tires to
inflate... and I am standing here in the parking lot freaking out
because I have to be at work in 30 minutes!!" This one worked for
me.
1002. I will not be
in to work today because I got in the tanning bed last night and now
I am so burnt that I can't even stand up!
1003. True stories,
same job at a toy store during high school: I caught the bus to
work sometimes, and normally didn't work Sundays. I had forgotten
that the busses only come every hour, instead of every half-hour,
and waited out in the freezing cold for half an hour, which is why I
didn't call in. I was exactly 30 minutes late that Sunday. I
actually showed up for work, but then food poisoning set in. Only
one other person was there, in the back. I was checking people out
up front, and occasionally ducking behind the counter to vomit into
plastic bags, without anyone noticing. The store manager was the
only one available to come in to cover for me, and quite upset about
it, but upon hearing the story almost puked herself.
1004. An employee
called in sick. When the boss asked HIM for a doctor's note to
excuse the absence, the employee immediately handed the boss a
doctor's note from an OBGYN without making any comment. Should have
seen the face of the boss who also made no comment and told the
employee, "OK?"
1005. An employee
called in to work and said he would not be in or would be there as
soon as the angry Indians with bows and arrows who were surrounding
his vehicle would let him get in his car and drive away.
1006. I cant come
into work today.....I have amnesia from when my two year old hit me
over the head with his toy... wait I don't have a two year
old.....do I?
1007. One Monday I
phoned in And said I had pink Eye. Later on that day A friend told
me pink eye lasts for a while, so the next day before going into the
office, I through some soap in my eye. The guys in the office sure
believed me, they gave me the week off with pay ha!!!! This one is
sure to work.
1008. At 1:30 PM,
several hours after normal start of work, my co-worker called in and
said, "I won't be in today because I can't find my cat".
1009. True there
was a crazy lady whom I work with that actually called and said this
.. I cannot come into work today I have to pray!
1010. Once worked
with a guy who called in saying he stopped at a phone booth to make
a call; his car rolled up against the booth & now he was trapped in
the phone booth.
1011. One morning
in the Navy, our newest sailor showed up about Noon on Monday. When
asked where he'd been, he said he'd met a girl in a bar on Saturday,
and had spent the weekend losing his Virginity. The chief allowed
it because: A) No man would admit to being a virgin if it wasn't
true, B) There was no way to use the excuse twice.
1012. From an
Airmen: I cant' find my truck, I called the police and they said I
need to wait by the phone. Two hours later... I found my truck, but
I won't be able to come in, it's been reposed and I need to get my
stuff out it.
1013. My roommate
used this one: I can’t come into work today because last night I
was at a bar and when it was time to pay the bill I paid cash. It
turned out that one of the twenties I had in my wallet was
counterfeit. I wasn’t arrested but the FBI was called. They told me
they would be sending someone over to talk to me today so I need to
stay here and wait for them.
1014. Horribly,
this excuse was used last year, I had called my boyfriends' boss for
him & told him this whopper... "I was in the emergency room with my
boyfriend. My boyfriend slept over where I was house-sitting, and
this morning he was chasing the dog around the yard, who wouldn't
come in the house, slipped on the wet grass & twisted his ankle. He
wouldn't be able to make it in today."
1015. I have a beta
fish (they're extremely vicious and revengeful) and one day as I was
getting ready for work, my keys "accidentally" fell into the tank.
Knowing how dangerous the fish can be, I relentlessly had to call
in. :)
1016. (HONEST!!)
My car does not seem right so I don't want to chance driving to
work. HAHAHA and this really is true!!!
1017. (Someone at
work) I drove over some glass and damaged lots of tires so I cant
come in!
1018. I'm late
because I could not decide on what outfit to wear. ( It works if you
are known for your fashion sense, if not, don't try it)
1019. I can't come
into work today - someone stole my car battery!
1020. This truly
did happen to me. I was working for a large warehouse-type company,
and one day, the sent home an employee who had been sprayed by a
skunk. The next morning, my 2 dogs chased a skunk and we all got
it, I mean really REALLY bad. That was the reason I gave, since I
was telling the truth. The worst of it was one of the dogs was a
tiny white poodle, and I had to wash her down with tomato juice
(hint- this doesn't work as well as you think). But it really does
happen, I've been sprayed 3 times now, but at least I've learned to
keep my dogs on their leashes.
1021. The best
excuse is to say you are bed-ridden with a virus of some sort - if
you have had glandular fever you can get away with this every time!
Say you are totally wiped out - too tired to even go to the doctor
or get out of bed. Works every time.
1022. I will be
late for work cause my car is attached to a tree. We live in Texas
close to Houston. We rarely have a hard freeze, however 10yrs ago
we had a big one. The tree over the driveway was so heavy with ice
it froze the limbs to my car, I still have the pictures to prove it.
(My boss did not believe it till she saw those pictures.
1023. This excuse
worked for a girl I worked with, that was out every other day. "I
can't come to work today, because I coughed and broke my rib. "
Later that night she was seen dancing and laughing at the bar, by
another employee.
1024. I have to go
to the doctor to have a boil on my genitals lanced. This one
actually showed up with an excuse from the Emergency Room the next
day!!
1025. I have to
leave early because my boyfriend just called to tell me my dog ran
away.
1026. I can't come
to work today because I can't find my husband or the car.
1027. True story:
Lady called out from work because a tree fell on her van during a
rainstorm.
1028. I had a co
worker call in after a quad runner accident stating she had
temporary partial amnesia. She could only remember her name, work
phone number, bosses name but not to come to work!!
1029. Sorry I was
late this morning... I forgot to set my clock for daylight savings
time.
1030. Call up your
boss and tell him that on your way to work you had to go to the
bathroom and you didn't make it. You shit all over yourself. They
don't know what to say. Tell him that you will have to go all the
way back home and shower etc.
1031. I cant come
into work today its raining and I might get wet. Honestly used at
work by a lad.
1032. I can't make
it into work today, because the panels on my garage door are frozen
and my babysitter and I can't get my car out. So just count on me
not being there.
1033. Sorry I wont
be in today my carburetor blew off my engine and I'll be spending
the day looking for a new one. true story
1034. A co-worker
called into work a few hours before she was supposed to come in.
She said she wouldn't be at work because someone watered down her
Jack Daniels and drank her tequila and she was going to find out who
did it.
1035. I thought I
was gonna get lucky last night and took some Viagra. I still have
wood this mourning and I'm not gonna make it in today.
1036. A former
co-worker actually used this one: I can't come to work today, my
head hurts and it only hurts when I come to work!
1037. We had a
woman at work who called out because she had a "food overdose".
1038. I won't be in
to work today. Everyone in the office has the flu and I don't want
to catch it.
1039. I rang my
boss in a busy accounting firm and told him that I couldn't BE
BOTHERED coming into work one day. He said ok!
1040. Once someone
I worked with didn't show up one day, and didn't answer his phone at
all. When he turned up the next day he said that he was getting a
book down from the top of his bookshelf and the whole thing had
fallen on top of him. He was unconscious for 3 hours and then
couldn't actually move till his flatmate got home at 11pm that
night.
1041. A few years
ago I was working with a guy who was notorious for coming up with
outrageous and lame excuses. One morning he called in to work and
said he had been eating Doritos the night before and a piece of one
had lodged itself in his gums. He had to go to the dentist first
thing that morning. Now I don't know about you but it takes me at
least a few weeks to get an appointment at the dentist.
Another time he called in late and said that he had driven half way
to work and realized that he didn't have his contacts in and
couldn't see so he drove back home to put them in. He said he was
going to be so late he might as well just stay home!
Although there are many more excuses this guy used I'll give you one
of my favorites. He calls in and tells our supervisor that his dogs
have gotten into his wife's makeup while he was sleeping. He awoke
to makeup all over his house and his dogs. So he was going to have
to stay home and clean it up. My super asked him why his wife
couldn't clean it up. His answer, She has to go to work.
1042. A guy I used
to work with called off work one night. He said, I won't be in
tonight I have a case of the sixpackalitis.
Another person calls off frequently using the excuse, I won't be in,
I'm taking a hillbilly holiday!
1043. Kidney
stones... say you passed a kidney stone and when you called your
doctor he instructed you to take the pain pills he prescribed the
last time you where there. Can't drive to work looped on pain
pills.
1044. This works
only after a snow storm with a street parking ban: "Hi, I can't come
in today because I went outside to leave and I realized my car was
towed away overnight cause I forgot to move it and it was still on
the side of the road when the plows were trying to clear the
streets" *if employer expects that you are going pay and get it
from the impound, then come in later, to save the idea being brought
up follow up by saying: "and I don't have the money to get it out
and my mom is at work and my dad is out of town so I cant get any
money from him either, ill try keep you updated but in the meantime
try and find someone to come in for me in case." (9 times out of 10
someone will come in in your place so the shift is guaranteed to be
filled.. so your free and clear.. no need to even call back again
to update, your shift is covered) *** yes this excuse really worked,
flawlessly**
1045. We had a guy
whose mother used to call him off all the time. One day she called
to say he wouldn't be in cuz they were going to the vet and she
needed him to hold the cat. Another time she called WHEN HE WAS
ALREADY AT WORK to say that he would be ill the FOLLOWING DAY and
unable to work!
1046. I can't come
to work today because I'm having car trouble. (Real excuse - I just
couldn't get the car to turn into the driveway no matter how hard I
wished for it to!)
1047. My 7 year old
son shave my head while I was sleeping. I have to go the hair
dresser and get the rest shaved off.
1048. Called and
left this on my works answering machine. They called me back within
20 minutes and told me I would be fired if I didn't come in. "I'm
locked in my basement, I cant get a hold of anyone. I cant call the
fire department or police because there's a few lines of coke on the
coffee table and a hooker sleeping on the couch. I'll be in when
she wakes up." I tried to be creative. My Sup liked it. The
manager didn't :)
1049. I have to
take tomorrow off they will be delivering my lawnmower and I don't
know what time it will arrive.
1050. This is a
true story about my coworker NO LIES!!! He called and left a
message on our answering machine at 5:am that his waterbed had a
leak and he didn't know if he could make it in so he needed the
whole day off, he did have a leak.
1051. My cat
unplugged my alarm clock and I slept in very late.
1052. I just found
out that I am 3 weeks pregnant and I the doctor said that I'm over
working myself and bending to hard. I need the day off so that I
can contemplate an abortion.
1053. True story, A
guy I work with called in and said his crack head daughter had taken
off with his car and he had no way in to work (he lived out in a
rural area) they were so shocked that they accepted the story.
1054. My co-worker
at a convenience store called and told the boss she couldn't come in
to work because her husband had shaved her privates and now she had
a painful ingrown pubic hair.
1055. Okay this one
has worked on countless occasions but you gotta make sure you don't
use it too often cos it's mine okay. "I'm sorry I can't attend work
today as my Mother tried to overdose last night". An absolute Gem,
no questions asked and if you're really desperate you can take a day
off next week for the funeral.
1056. I can't come
in today, I've got to go north. My girlfriend caught me cheating on
her and called and told my wife. (This one is real!)
1057. Once someone
I worked with didn't show up one day, and didn't answer his phone at
all. When he turned up the next day he said that he was getting a
book down from the top of his bookshelf and the whole thing had
fallen on top of him. He was unconscious for 3 hours and then
couldn't actually move till his flatmate got home at 11pm that
night.
1058. A few years
ago I was working with a guy who was notorious for coming up with
outrageous and lame excuses. One morning he called in to work and
said he had been eating Doritos the night before and a piece of one
had lodged itself in his gums. He had to go to the dentist first
thing that morning. Now I don't know about you but it takes me at
least a few weeks to get an appointment at the dentist. Another
time he called in late and said that he had driven half way to work
and realized that he didn't have his contacts in and couldn't see so
he drove back home to put them in. He said he was going to be so
late he might as well just stay home! Although there are many more
excuses this guy used I'll give you one of my favorites. He calls
in and tells our supervisor that his dogs have gotten into his
wife's makeup while he was sleeping. He awoke to makeup all over
his house and his dogs. So he was going to have to stay home and
clean it up. My super asked him why his wife couldn't clean it up.
His answer, She has to go to work.
1059. A guy I used
to work with called off work one night. He said, I won't be in
tonight I have a case of the sixpackalitis. Another person calls
off frequently using the excuse, I won't be in, I'm taking a
hillbilly holiday!
1060. Kidney
stones.... say you passed a kidney stone and when you called your
doctor he instructed you to take the pain pills he prescribed the
last time you where there. Can't drive to work looped on pain
pills.
1061. I really used
this one. I called my boss and told him I was in bed with an ugly
headache but I would probably take her home sometime today and would
be in bright and early tomorrow!!!! He laughed so hard he couldn't
say anything but "See you in the morning then."
1062. This was
called in on New years Day. "Sorry I can't come in to work today I
have the Irish Flu, it's the 24 hour kind so I'll be tomorrow."
1063. I was late
for work because when I got in my car and started driving down the
driveway my car slowly came to a stop on its own. I got out to see
what was going on. We had outside dogs and they had dragged a
blanket they slept on into the driveway and I ran over it. The
blanket was wrapped around the under carriage of my car. I had to
call my boyfriend over to crawl under my car and cut it off.
1064. My husband
and I and our 5th month old baby were vacationing in Florida. At
the same time my sister decided she would drive down so we could
have a real family vacation. In attempts to make the flight
comfortable for us she agreed to bring our luggage. All we needed
was our carry on bags. This was awesome for the flight, just a baby
and a bag and not a thing to worry about, our luggage was on its
way. The return trip, I had packed the airline tickets in the
suitcase and it was already headed 1,000 miles home, as we sat in
the airport. "Boss, I wont be in I am stuck in Florida and my
airline ticket is in Pennsylvania." It took 2 more days to mail
the tickets to us and a third day to sit on stand by waiting for a
seat. To this day his co workers and boss don't believe his wife
could be so dumb.... shame for them its true.
1065. I ate at taco
bell last night and have the Hershey squirts.
1066. Calling in
sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my
illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion,
I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too
humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury
and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I
could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown. The
accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to
adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no
problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when
I heard my wife, Deb,
call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed! the garbage disposal is
dead. Come reset it." "You know where the button is." I protested
through the shower (pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!" "I am
scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"
(Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second." So out I came, dripping
wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her
cowardly behavior was not without consequence. I crouched down and
stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last
action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without
respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal
drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty,
clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my
legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I
took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most
vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged
them with her needle-like claws. Now when men feel pain or even
sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose
all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements.
Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly,
while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well
trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full
weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step
manner. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight"
syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight"
option. Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels
when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek
great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and
cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having
been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they
tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical
laughter. At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation
out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk.
"What's the matter, cat got your tongue?" If they had only known.
1067. I actually
heard this excuse come from a guy at work who had been gone for 3
days. He came in crying, and when asked where he had been and had
not called in, he replied that his dog had gotten raped by the
neighbors dog, with actual flowing tears! He then proceeded to say
that he called the police, that they couldn't help him with his
case, so he took it upon himself to try and make the dog better, and
get the neighbors dog brought to justice! He was fired immediately.
1068. A gal was
hired to work hard count at a casino. She called in her second day
to say she quit because she was allergic to money.
1069. I'm late
because I got a ticket for J-Walking.
1070. A mate once
told his boss that he was unable to turn up for work as a "HUGE
STORM" had knocked out the power and he had to be home so he could
let the repair men inside his house to fix some wiring. He had
forgotten that his boss only lived 1/2 a block away. He was later
fired.
1071. I had an
employee who said he could not come to work because he lost his
wallet and he was worried sick about it and he had to stay out of
work to look for it!
The same employee that gave the excuse for not coming to work
because he lost his wallet, called in a few weeks later and said he
could not come to work because he had 4 flat tires and that two of
his wheels were about to fall off his car!
1072. True story: My
husband and I live close enough to our workplaces that we can go
home for lunch every day. One day we had to call in and tell our
bosses we would be late coming back because there was a rabid skunk
in our backyard attacking our dog. We had to wait for animal control
to come, kill the skunk, and take the dog in for quarantine. As soon
as we got back to work later that afternoon we were sent back home
because, although we had not been directly sprayed by the skunk, our
close smelled of skunk.
1073. I used this
today: I left a message on my boss’s voicemail saying that someone
had tried to steal my car and my steering column is jammed. I now
have to wait for the police to show up and file a report. Since my
steering column is jammed I cannot start my car and will wait until
my boyfriend comes home so he can fix my car. She called me a half
hour later and I said, "The police are here now, let me call you
back!" Called her back 10 minutes later and got incredible sympathy.
1074. A friend of
mine, working in Atlanta, had already used all the excuses she could
think of not to work. So one day she called in to say that she had
walked to the mailbox bare footed and had gotten dew poisoning.
1075. On a bad
winter day, I received a call from my employee... "I can't find a
parking spot so I am going to turn around and go home."
1076. This one
worked for me. My boss (who hates cats) let me off one day to take
the
kitten I had adopted to get her first shots. I explained that I
could drop her off and pick her up in the afternoon, but I was
afraid she would think I had changed my mind and returned her to the
pound, thus giving her a complex and ruining the life of a perfectly
good kitten.
1077. My foot it
stuck in the toilet and there is no one home to help me get it out.
1078. A coworker of
mine calls off all the time. This week (true story) she called of
three days in a row. Day one: Her grandpa got hit by a bus and she
has to go to the hospital. Day two: She had cramps and diarrhea. Day
3: She fell in the shower ( for the second time in two months) and
hurt her abdomen. They must work cus she hasn't been fired yet!
1079. This happened
around ten years ago at a restaurant where I worked. One day Doug,
one of the line cooks, had his girlfriend call in sick for him.
Doug's girlfriend told my supervisor, Cindy, "Doug can't come into
work today, he has a temperature of 110 degrees." So my Cindy,
trying not to laugh, asked the girlfriend "What hospital is he
staying in?" Cindy could hear the girlfriend say in the background,
"Doug, what hospital are you in?" Cindy hung up the phone, laughing,
and said "If his temperature was that high, he'd be dead!"
1080. The funniest
I've ever heard - someone where I work actually called this one in:
I can't come to work today because I have a family crisis, I need to
stay with my wife because the results of her pap smear were abnormal
and she's very upset.
1081. I can't come
to work today my girlfriend broke her ankle last night and I need to
pick her up at the hospital. She did brake her ankle but was already
home and sitting beside me.
1082. One time a co
worker called in said she couldn't come to work cuz her little
finger was swollen.
1083. I volunteered
to work thanksgiving one time called about an hour before my shift
was done and said that I was so busy making pies the night before
that I for got to set my alarm so I wont be in. Actually I had a
hang over.
1084. At the factory
where I work we had one of our second shift employees call the call
in line stating that he could not come in this afternoon because his
baby sitter was in jail. True story. We have all kinds that work for
us.
1085. True: I one
called work to say I had broke my ass, this was believed as there
where other coworkers present when I foolishly tried to prove I
still had youth on my side and attempt to skateboard after a gap of
15 years down a very steep hill on an old board. To describe my fall
I lost control and placed one foot on the ground which whipped my
body around 180 degrees spraining my ankle and Right Buttock, I also
went in to shock. On returning to work two days later I was greeted
by 200 people giving me a standing ovation, and a big grin from my
boss.
1086. A young man
called in to say he would not be in the office because he felt dizzy
and almost passed out each time he tried to get out of bed. And he
did not know when it would be over!
1087. I have
restless legs syndrome (RLS). I can't sit still very long at a time.
I take medication for it and it helps but also makes me drowsy.
1088. Sorry, I can't
come in to work today. I left my purse on an airplane and I have to
fly back to find it!
1089. I has to leave
early to get the morning-after pill from her doctor!
1090. I called in
and then quit a job because the office furniture was dilapidated and
was causing me back problems. Really the boss lady was driving me
nuts. I wonder if they got better furniture after that?
1091. I worked in a
call center & a female employee called in said she would not be in
because she had Prostate Cancer.
1092. This one I had
to call in cause I was helping my room mate move a 40" TV and it
fell on my knee. True story... of course they didn't believe me.
1093. First you have
to test this out before calling work to get the right sound effects.
Put your index finger in your mouth and lock it between your molars
and try talking. You'll notice you start dribbling and drooling and
lisping (also works if you stuff your mouth full of cotton wool) -
strangely enough you'll end up sounding like you've just been to the
dentist. Now call work and tell them that last night you slipped and
hit your tooth on the kitchen counter and you were in agony all
night while you waited for the dentist to open that morning and get
a cap put on it. If you're calling a little late tell them you had
to get the first appointment possible and you just got back to a
phone that was working. Worked for me!
1094. I can't come
in today boss. My dog threw up on me and I smell bad.
1096. True
Story....I called in and told my boss my dog ran away from home and
I had to look for him because he is a small dog and it was late at
night. He could get eaten by coyotes if I don't find him tonight.
1097. A new
co-worker in our office was suppose to start on Thanksgiving week.
Her first excuse for not coming in -I'm in Denver and I was snowed
in. - out entire week. The Second Week excuse was - I was coming to
work in a taxi and got into an accident. - out the entire week.
Third week - I got meningitis. out entire week Fourth week - I had a
doctor's appointment and I thought we had Dec 30 as an Holiday -
Fifth week - It snowed and my driveway wasn't plowed - couldn't get
out of the house. Sixth Week - I got on the wrong train to work and
was lost so I week back home- Seventh week - I got Pink eye Eight
week - my boyfriend's grandmother was rush to the hospital and I'm
not coming in And (next week) Ninth week - according to the office
pool - she ran out of minutes on her cell phone and couldn't call in
this week. A TRUE STORY from New York City.
1098. I have used
all of these at various jobs and they all worked........I lost my
door key so I couldn't leave my house without being locked out. My
dog has got into the crawlspace and I cant get him out. My garage
got broken into during the night and I'm waiting on the police. I
stood on a upturned plug and cant put weight on my foot. I got
something in my eye and I cant get it out. I was up all night
helping my neighbor catch his kids escaped rabbit.
1099. I was working
in a pub one day and two of my fellow co-workers who shared a house
arrived an hour and a half late. When our boss, who was the
archetypical "tough but fair boss" enquired why they were late? they
replied that there was a double episode of the A-team that they had
never seen before on telly. The boss stared in disbelief and then
replied "fair enough" sometimes honesty is the best policy.
1100. (Monday
morning) Jim this is Donald, I went to the camp on the river this
weekend, I was helping the guys build a dock. I'm so sunburned that
I can't get my shirt on .... I'll need a few days off.
1101. A girl that
used to work for my company claimed she couldn't come to work
because she fell asleep on the beach and had a major sunburn. She
never showed up for work again.
1102. This actually
happened when I worked at the Post Office.... A girl called in and
said "I'm gonna be late because 2 of my dogs are hung up and I have
to wait until they're finished because I have to get a sperm sample
from the male"
1103. I was working
in a building that actually had FBI offices several floors above us.
I was working a 12-8 shift and left at 4 p.m. for dinner. When I
returned at 5 p.m., the entire building had been cordoned off due to
a suspicious package that had been left by the front door. The
police, S.W.A.T. teams and Bomb Squad complete with canine unit
refused to let me in the building. I had to call my boss on my cell
phone and when he didn't believe me, told him to go to the
Conference room and look out the window. I eventually was let into
the building after 45 minutes of standing around, drinking coffee,
smoking cigarettes and flirting with the S.W.A.T. guys and firemen.
1104. My sister,
myself, my cousin and mother all work for the same company. my
sister got wasted and called work late at night while drunk and said
our aunt died. then she remembered that we all work together. we all
had to play along for a week, we all missed 3 days of work. its a
horrible thing, but it worked. the bad part is, we had to all have
our stories perfect, before returning to work.
1105. I really don't
have an excuse because excuses are for people who feel like they
need to explain themselves to others. I just don't feel like coming
in today.
1106. I can't come
to work because a hound dog stole my wallet. (really happened)
1107. This is an
actual excuse from one of my employees. I can't come to work today
because my mother has been decapitated. She is okay though so I will
be in tomorrow. What a moron!
1108. Used only
after a big storm... The wind/storm blew down a tree and I cant get
out of the driveway. (true story)
1109. A co-worker
called in to work saying she couldn't come in to work. Her friend's
car was missing the rear view mirror and she needed to help her
watch traffic. She also called in the next day to say they were in
an accident and she had gotten glass in her eye from the rear view
mirror.
1110. One Saturday
morning, working as a dispatcher for a security company, a guard
called in and said that his relief still had not shown up. When I
called the other guard (a young lady) and asked if there was a
problem. She apologized and stated that she would not be able to
work that day. When I asked her why, I almost fell off my chair. She
said "I'm just too damn horny". This completely threw me for a loop
and for a second, I had considered sending over one of our patrol
drivers to "take care of things" but fortunately, I didn't.
1111. This really
happened to me: I left for work early to get the charger to my cell
phone replaced and when I turned in the building my wheel FELL OFF
my car - I had to call my boss and tell them that they were going to
flat bed my car and since I lived 32 miles away from where I worked
I couldn't get a ride - I didn't go to work for 2 days....
1112. Here is a
couple a co-worker has used in the past week. He has been late 1 1/2
hr each time. the 1st was " I was pulled over and since I'm Mexican
the police kept me for over an hour." And then tonight, he said his
lady was so horny she wouldn't let him leave, and they did it a
couple of times.
1113. Last night I
took my dog out after getting home from work. It was dark and very
cold. I did not realize the dog had gone both #1 and #2 on the steps
because I was yelling at the neighbor for cussing out his girlfriend
in front of our house and making a bunch of noise. I was leaving for
work this morning and apparently the doggie doo froze on the steps.
I was not looking where I was going because the neighbor was yelling
at his girlfriend out on their lawn again. I slipped on the slick
stuff on the step and when my rear end hit the step it hit the
frozen doo and either cracked or severely bruised my tail bone. Now
I can't walk or sit, and the stupid neighbor didn't even come help
me get out of the mess, and that is why I am calling in sick today.
It's 6 a.m. and you are about to throw the alarm clock out the
window. It's too cold out, you're tired, you had one glass of wine
too many last night, you've really got to clean your house, and,
most importantly, you haven't had some real bonding time with your
couch lately.
"Just call in," you tell yourself. "They can get by one day without
me."
So, in your best sick voice, you leave a near-death sounding message
for your boss and throw in a cough just to make it believable.
Ferris Bueller has nothing on you!
The art of playing hooky
CareerBuilder.com recently took a look at employees who call in
sick with bogus excuses. Forty-three percent of workers said they
called in sick when they felt well at least once during the last
year, up from 35 percent in the 2004 survey.
The most popular motivator for missing work: good, old-fashioned
rest. Almost 23 percent of workers said they just wanted to relax
and catch up on sleep. Seventeen percent said they just didn't feel
like going in, 16 percent attributed it to a doctor's appointment,
and 9 percent said they had to catch up on housework and run
personal errands.
Three-day weekend or mid-week break?
Thirty-eight percent of workers said they viewed sick days as
equivalent to vacation days. The most popular day for calling in
sick when feeling well was Wednesday, with 27 percent of workers
getting over the mid-week hump by fabricating an excuse. While
extended weekend absences were also popular, with 26 percent of
workers calling in sick on Monday and 14 percent on Friday, those
partaking may have put themselves at more risk of scrutiny.
Your boss is no fool.
Sixty-three percent of hiring managers said they are more suspicious
of employees calling in sick on a Monday or Friday. The survey also
revealed that some hiring managers were less tolerant of workers
playing hooky, with almost one-fourth stating they fired an employee
for missing work without a legitimate reason. While the definition
of a sick day has evolved, with more employers including mental
health and special circumstances in the description, workers should
be mindful of company policies and their responsibilities as an
employee.
"I was abducted by aliens..."
When asked to share the most unusual excuses workers gave for
missing work, hiring managers shared some of their favorite
examples:
"I'm too drunk to
drive to work."
"I accidentally
flushed my keys down the toilet."
"I had to help
deliver a baby on my way to work." (Employee was not in the medical
profession.)
"I accidentally
drove through the automatic garage door before it opened."
"My boyfriend's
snake got loose and I'm afraid to leave the bedroom until he gets
home."
"I'm too fat to get
into my work pants."
"God didn't wake
me." (Employee didn't believe in alarm clocks and thought a higher
power would wake her when she was ready.)
"I cut my
fingernails too short, they're bleeding and I have to go to the
doctor."
"The ghosts in my
house kept me up all night."
"I forgot I was
getting married today."
"My cow bit me."
"My son accidentally
fell asleep next to wet cement in our backyard. His foot fell in and
we can't get it out."
"I was watching a
guy fixing a septic pump, fell in the hole and hurt myself."
"I was walking my
dog and slipped on a toad in my driveway and hurt my back."
"My house lock
jammed, and I'm locked in."
1115. I couldn't go
to work because a nail from my toe fell off and i cant walk!!!!
1116. This is the
best ever, a girl in my office wanted to go home so bad and had
asked if it would be okay and was told she needed to stay. She got
REALLY mad, so she
took a grape jelly package she got with her breakfast and put it on
her hair brush. She then went to the supervisor and explained that
her daughter had put jelly on her brush and she did not know and now
she has jelly in her hair and needed to go home to wash it. She did
not go home for the day, she went home forever. The supervisor
watched her do this act. Guess it was not good enough to be
smuckers!
1117. I work in a
call center for customer service, one day a girl called in sick with
this excuse: "Well, my head and my neck hurt because I went out last
night and did too much head banging" (Head banging is the action of
rapidly moving your head back and forth to the rhythm of the music).
1118. This was from
a co-worker who is always calling in: She called and said that she
witness an accident and since she was trained in first aid, she is
obligated to assist anyone hurt. So she had to help a man that was
trapped under his car and wait until the ambulance arrived before
she could leave.
1119. I can't come
in to work today because I threw my back out bending over to put on
my socks.
1120. I once hooked
up with a co-worker after a work event right before going to my
boyfriend's graduation. I took a sleeping pill, slept through the
day on a Thursday and woke up to 20 missed calls. I told my boss
that I had changed my plans last minute to taking Thursday and
Friday off and could not call all day Thursday because I was at
graduation events. so bad...... but my co-worker and I did date for
8 months after our scandalous evening.
1121. I won't be in
today, my daughter ate some hamburger meat last night and had a
allergic reaction, and I've been up all night.
1122. From a Spanish
speaking employee... the broken English makes it funnier... "I no
come in today. My car, the tire is broke, and I have a headache in
my stomach."
1123. Sorry I'm
late, I was saving a group of nuns from a speeding bus.
1124. I said that
the previous evening, the shower curtain rod slipped and fell on my
head, giving me a concussion.
1125. I can't come
to work today. My house is over ran by crickets and I have to wait
for the exterminator.
1126. I worked with
a girl once who called in because there was a possibility of a
hurricane, and she didn't want to take the chance that she might get
stranded at work with all of us!
Employers hate excuses, this has worked for me for years and years
and well, 16 years. "I'm not coming in today", 'why?' "I don't feel
like it, you can deal with that, or deal with replacing me", they
always just hang up, then you just show up the next day like nothing
happened. works best with employers who don't tolerate BS because at
least they know you're being honest.
1127. As a former
boss, I have heard many of those excuses/reasons and then some. It's
amazing what people will pull to get out of work but expect to still
get paid. One lady employee called to say she couldn't come in
because her big toe hurt.
1128. A guy I used
to date had an employee that was late every day and left early every
day. The guy didn't offer any excuses. He counseled him and reminded
him his working hours were 8 to 5 but the guy kept doing it. Finally
he asked the guy why he couldn't get to work on time and why he left
early every day. I don't remember the exact words the guy used to
explain, but the gist was he thought as long as he left his house at
8 and was home by 5 that he had put in his 8 hours!! FIRED.
1129. Employers hate
excuses, this has worked for me for years and years and well, 16
years. "I'm not coming in today", 'why?' "I don't feel like it, you
can deal with that, or deal with replacing me", they always just
hang up, then you just show up the next day like nothing happened.
works best with employers who don't tolerate BS because at least
they know you're being honest.
1130. Actual
Occurrence: An employee of mine called off sick for several days in
a row. Upon her return approximately two weeks later, she had a
"doctor's note", claiming she had the Avian Bird Flu, but was all
better now!
1131. When I was 20
a coworker, who lived with his parents, phoned to say he would not
be in that day because he was sick. I informed the boss. About an
hour later, his mother rang asking to speak to him .
1132. I lost my
virginity last night and my body is so sore, I can hardly walk.
1133. I ate some
mushrooms I found in the forest and I can't find my face and I'm
afraid the posters on my walls are about to kill me
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! No, Bob Marley, Don't!
1134. Mobsters broke
my legs, because I refused to repay them for whacking my last boss.
1135. I can't come
in today, my friend is having a baby shower and I have to bring the
towels.
1136. A coworker
took 2 days off because he had chest pains because of high
cholesterol from eating buttered popcorn at the movies and afterward
went to an all you can eat salad bar and ate a blue cheese burger on
top of that...it worked!
1137. This actually
is happening to me today. However, my friends think it is a perfect
ploy to get a reasonable day off. It does require a lead-up of a
day. Good thing is that you can be late the day immediately prior to
the use of the excuse as it supports the excuse for the day off.
After arriving late on Day 1: So sorry I am late. I lost hot water
and had a bit of a leak this morning. It's a cleaned up and the
plumber is coming tomorrow morning.
Call in early on Day 2: It's quite serious. I had to turn off the
water to the hot water heater and clean up quite a bit of water when
I got home. I need to be here while the heater is replaced; they
have already gone to get one. Apparently, they charge by the hour so
who knows how long this is going to take.
Simple and effective. Some might think it a bit wordy but they are
short sentences that give a full picture of the situation.
Good luck.
PS - Be sure Day 1 is not a Friday.
1138. I called my
boss and told them I'd be in late if at all because my neighbor was
drunk and was having a stand off with the local police with his
AK-47. The police wouldn't let me leave my apartment.
1139. This excuse
was for work, but I suppose it would be just as good for school,
because I'm planning on using it tomorrow. This actually happened to
me once, I was walking down the street on my way home from work, and
I heard this loud crash behind me, so I turned really fast to make
sure I wasn't about to be hit by a car, and got the worst whip-lash
of my life! I ended up paralyzed from the chest up for 4 days!
1140. I won't be in
for a week, I went to the doctors and they told me I have the
measles!
1141. I rang in to
work once and said that I was locked into my apartment, I was the
last to leave and someone had taken my keys so I couldn't get out.
My boss said to me the next day that it was most original excuse he
had ever heard and he did believe it was a good one.
1142. I went to give
blood today and fainted on the way home, I'm still feeling really
faint and sick and need to take it easy so I wont be in today.
1143. An accepted
excuse I used, which is truth, is that my fiancée is a schizophrenic
and needs constant supervision "for the time being, and may continue
for several weeks until her medication kicks in and normalizes her".
Like a charm.
1144. True
story/True excuse: My roommate (also my co-worker) called my boss
and said "(me) won't be in for a while, he was shot last night and
he's in intensive care"... 2 weeks and lots of pain killers later I
rolled into work in a wheelchair with a fresh scar and my boss still
wanted to see a doctor's note.
1145. I worked with
a guy one time who said he couldn't come to work, cause his dryer
door wouldn't open and his uniform was stuck in there.
1146. A guy I used
to work with used these... I can't come to work today, I think my
ferret had a stroke, and I have to take it to the vet. The next
day... I can't come to work because my ferret has to have surgery
this A.M.
1147. I can not come
in to work today because if I do it would be a danger to others. A
paramedic.
1148. A friend of
mine was still feeling a bit "DRUNK" from the night before. So he
called in and told the boss that he could not come to work, because
he had been exposed to Kryptonite.
1149. I had one
employee tell me he was late to work because his 6 week old baby
didn't wake him up.
A huge Star Trek fan said he was late to work because he had been
taken aboard a spaceship. My favorites - they leave you speechless.
1150. I cant come in
today.. I have anal glaucoma.. I cant see my ass coming into work
today.
1151. I can't come
in today. My legs are all cramped up and I can't walk.
1152. A co-worker
called in saying she would be late because she was attacked by a
swam of wasps walking to her car. She might be in later if the pain
got better. She then showed up later that same day with no stings or
pain. But no one said a thing about her excuse, so it worked.
1153. I had a young
lady working for me who called in 43 times over a 3 month period.
Generally her excuse was illness, however the last bit of excuses
really took the cake. She said that her toilet had overflowed so the
apartment complex had to pull up the carpet to replace the toilet
and flooring, so she had to stay home and make sure the fan that was
used to dry the flooring did not overheat. Then, as a result of the
carpet being pulled up, evidently "mites" were released, so she
called in stating she could not come to work until she was no longer
"infested" with the mites from the carpeting.
1154. TRUE: I want
be in today because my breast are swollen, and she was not pregnant.
TRUE: I want be in today because I have Projectile diarrhea. Which
projectile means to come up not down.
I can not come in because they are moving a house down my street and
it is taking up the whole street and I can not get out.
TRUE: Call in 10 to 15 minutes before you are to come and tell you
were in a car wreck and have to go to the hospital.
TRUE: My dog had puppies and can not come in.
My dog died and I have to bury him. (Spike)
I forget to pay my car insurance and can not drive because it got
cancled.
I got up this morning and my car was getting impounded.
If you get locked up you better call work because you only have one
phone call. So you will still have a job when you get out MAYBE!
I won't be in today my mother-in-law and husband are sick and I'm
the only one here with a car to take them to the hospital if they
need to go.
1155. My daughter's
coworker is constantly calling in sick. Here are a list of excuses
that she's used:
I got Bengay in my eye so I can't put my contact in and I need to
put cold compresses on my eye until it flushes out.
I got stung by a wasp.
I tripped over my dog.
My dogs got into a fight and one bit me.
My root canal is infected and I look like I've been in a fight.
My mother's been in a car accident and broken her pelvis.
My mother's been in another car accident.
My mother ran off with some guy from the Internet.
My son's been in a car accident.
My mother's having a heart attack.
The weather's making my joints hurt. There are many others!!!
1156. About a year
ago I had to call in to work with the very odd yet absolutely true
excuse that I would be late because I had to drive my pet rat in to
the emergency vet since he'd gotten himself stuck in a small hole in
one of his cage toys. Worse yet, he was stuck upside-down, trying to
come out through a small hole in the bottom of a very large tree
trunk made for an aquarium. He had his head and front arms through
and was wedged in tight. By the time I called work, I'd already
spent a good deal of time that morning trying to get him loose
(note: don't try cooking oil if you should ever find yourself with
such a problem – a slippery rat is even harder to grip). I couldn’t
leave the poor thing stuck, as I feared he would swell and
suffocate. Since my local vet wasn’t open yet, I had to travel
further to reach the animal hospital, the whole way steadying the
teetering toy (with rat) in the box on the seat next to me. As I
pulled in to the vet’s parking lot, the rat somehow came loose! I
suppose the car ride was enough swaying & jolting to work him free.
I decided to be thankful that I escaped a vet bill that day.
1157. I'm diabetic
and my blood sugar is up to 400 giving me a migraine.
1158. I don't
subject my dogs to the uncomfortable punishment of sleeping with
their collars on. I hadn't had a chance to put the collars on this
morning and when I was walking out the front door, one of them got
out of the house and took off through the neighborhood. They are
papered schnauzers (expensive dogs). There's NO WAY I am gonna leave
here till I find her.
1159. Phone in three
hours or so late when you’ve slept in and say “I feel asleep last
night with my arm(s) in an unusual position. When I awoke it was
completely numb thus incapacitating me till now!!
1160. I just
terminated an employee today who did not come back to work after the
4 day July 4th holiday because he said he was just too tired to work
on that day.
1161. This actually
happened to me...twice. I threw my back out while brushing my teeth.
I missed three days for that. Oddly enough, that same day one of my
coworkers called in sick because he fell off of his roof and landed
on the pavement. The second time I threw my back out was when I bent
down to pick up the cat. I only got 2 days for that one, but I was
still in a lot of pain. I think I would rather have worked than to
go through that pain again.
1162. I went on
vacation for a week, and I really wanted to have the next day of,
because I came back on a Wednesday, and my boss expected for me to
be back working by Thursday. so I called the last night I was on my
vacation, and told my boss the plane broke down and I wouldn't be
coming back until late Thursday night, so I would be able to go back
to work until the next Monday. (ps: I had only been working for a
week when this happened, is my first job, and I'm 15 :) , and then
they say teenagers are ignorant, lol)
1163. This actually
happened this past Saturday night 07/08/06, this dude came to work,
decided he didn't want to stay so he told the boss, I just got
finished throwing up so much I think I threw up my toenails, guess
what he went home, so the new thing at work is ewe I think you guys
need to get maintenance in the rest room and clean up all those
toenails, we cant even get in the stall.
1164. I live in an
apartment complex. My apartment parking lot is extremely small. We
have a red curb (fire lane, no parking). I have had to call in late
several times because I've had to wait for the tow trucks to unblock
the parking lot of the cars parked illegally. TRUE!!!
1165. I was at work
and very hung over so I wanted to go home to sleep. I told my boss
that my neighbor called and saw my cat in my window throwing up so I
needed to leave to take her to the vet. I never got questioned and
there were no repercussions to my excuse!
1166. On Sunday I
went to the beach. I went out on my air mattress and fell asleep. I
floated into the gulf stream and was picked up by a passing cruise
ship. They dropped me off in the Bahamas and I have to wait for the
Coast Guard to pick me up and take me back.
1167. One of my
employees came to me at 6:00pm on night and told me that he would
not be in tomorrow, because he might have to have a vasectomy
tonight and he won't feel up to it the next day!
1168. Tell them you
and anyone else who lives with you has the stomach flu and don't be
afraid to invent gory details about what's shooting out of where.
1169. One of my
co-workers rang in to say that she couldn't come in to work because
her front door wouldn't open. Our boss told her to climb through a
window! But she told him she lives on the fifth floor. The same
person also rang in to say she had to take her dog to the vets as
she had tied it to a signpost in front of a shop, but the dog had
been scared by something and ran off into the road, taking the
signpost with him!!
1170. Well I was
watching T.V. and it told me not to go anywhere. I'm afraid I can't
come in today.
1171. I can't come
to work today. My child's swing set collapsed and I need to fix it.
1172. I just threw
up and I cant find a breath mint. You still want me to come in?
1173. I let my dog
out this morning and he took off, I have to find him.
1174. I was up all
night because the people across the street were partying.
1175. I have the
best excuse! Don't ever tell why aren't you coming to work. Just say
that you're not coming and hang up. Trust me, it works every time.
If they call your house don't answer. Next day tell them you were
not home.
1176. This one was
actually used by a man at a place I work. He called in saying that:
"He couldn't come in tonight because his cat is diabetic and he
needs to stay home to give her insulin if she needs it. And also he
had called about 5 or 6 times in to say he couldn't come in because
his grandma died. One can't help but wonder how many grandmas he
has.
1177. This actually
happened to me I slept in because my mum was snoring last night and
I had to put ear plugs in to get to sleep and didn't hear the alarm
go off.
1178. I used this
excuse a couple of years ago and it worked. By the way, it's all
true. I called the office to tell them that I won't be coming in to
work that day because my next-door neighbour's house was broken into
last night at 4 am. (the neighbour is a couple of old folks living
with their 35-year-old single daughter) My husband & I heard the
ruckus and immediately called the police. Luckily, the intruders ran
away when my husband shouted at them. He & another neighbour went
after the intruders. They return about 15 minutes later to tell us
that they lost them in the dark. I was scared but had to comfort the
old lady and her daughter until the police arrived. When finally the
police arrived, we each have to tell them our account of the story.
By the time it was all over, it was almost 7 am and we were all too
tired from all the excitement to go to work.
1179. I wont be in
today, while gardening last night I chopped off half of my right
foot with a shovel.
1180. My pet monkey
just died and I need some time to grieve.
1181. I will not be
coming to work today, I was in a terrible plane crash. My entire
family was killed and I am a vegetable. From the cartoon Family Guy
:)
1182. I can't come
to work today because there's a Star Trek marathon on TV.
1183. Can't make it
into work today, I have a severe migraine probably caused by the
stab wound to the back yesterday by a co-worker!!
1184. Two hilarious
excuses that a co-worker of mine used were;
- A UFO landed in my drive way last night and is blocking me in,
so I can't get my car out of the drive way.
- I was collecting earth worms last night for fishing, and one bit
me in the leg. It's all swollen up now and I can't walk on it.
1185. I am running late to work because the Garbage Truck is
in front of my driveway, blocking my car. I am just waiting for it
to move.
1186. I am running late because a tree fell due to the heavy
wind and now my street is blocked until the City comes and moves it.
I can’t drive over it.
1187. I can’t come in to work because I have pink eye and
don’t want anyone else to get it from me.
1188. I can't come into work today because I don't have
enough money for lunch.
1189. I actually used this... and it is true. One night I
went to Newport Beach for a friends Party. The next day was my first
day working as a live-in nanny. I got belligerently drunk and woke
up at 7am the next morning to take all the girls home that I had
brought up with me. As I walked out side to leave I realized that
someone had parked there truck in front of the garage... which I
parked my car in. When I went to wake him up he was so drunk still
that he couldn't wake up. We spend 2 hours looking for his keys,
couldn't find them. Finally I called my boss and told her. She
believed me and gave me her AAA card number so I could get his truck
towed out of the way to get my car out of the garage. When AAA got
there we realized that we had no where to put his truck. If you've
been to Newport on a weekend it's a ridiculous place to try to find
parking. The AAA guy was there for 45 minutes and finally the guy
found his keys under the couch. Where I had been sleeping all night.
My boss was totally cool about it and I kept working for her for 3
months until I quit. Every weekend I called in late since then with
one of these excuses.
1190. This one really works: "Sorry I was late you see... we
have been having some family problems and I don't really want to
talk about it... sorry" They will feel sorry for you and let you
off!
1191. Shift Workers: If you want to sleep through your shift
and are to scared to call in sick. turn your phone off, and about
half way through your shift that your supposed to be at, call up and
ask what time you start that night. that way they just think you
read your roster wrong.
1192. I actually use this once and it works. "I'm not going
to work today because my residential area got no water supply for 3
days. So today, we have to wait for water supplier to come to
distribute water supply for 3 days."
1193. As a woman, this seems easy to do.
- I am having complications from an abortion.
- I had a miscarriage. *
*Never used it but I'm thinking that a male boss wouldn't ask for
proof, like a doctor's note or proof of hospital stay. The most
you'd get is "Oh, I'm so sorry, take as much time as you need."
1194. Actually True!
Employee:"I won't be in to work, I am in the hospital. I am in an
inpatient drug treatment program for 10 days."
Employer (Target stores):"Will you be in Tomorrow?"
Employee""No, it's a 10 day program! They don't let you out of here
to go to work."
DUH! Smart employer there...NOT!
1195. Im sorry I can't come in today, I have an allergic
reaction to peanuts---I don't know how long it will take for the
swelling to go down.
1196. Extreme pain on the left side, cant use the restroom
and cant sleep!
1197. "We had a massive power surge or something, and
everything here is really fucked up."
1198. My computer crashed and I broke my wrist. (Wrap your
wrist up in a bandage and keep it on for 6 weeks. Make it convincing
by complaining about the pain.)
1199. A girl I work with misses at least one day a week
for something catastrophic. Today she called in to say her child had
been bitten by a fire ant and could not wear shoes, so my co-worker
had to stay home with the child.
Well friends we have many more work excuses
to go. The
Work Excuses
7 page has excuses1000 and up. Enjoy
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Madtbone
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