The Mother Of All Excuses Place

Work Excuses # 401 to 600.

401. I would also love to use this one....I can't come into work right now because I'm busy makin whoopee!
402. I won't be in to work today, because my liver isn't up to speed yet due to last weekend.
403. A guy I work with actually called in and said, " I'm sorry I can't make it in today. Somebody spiked my drink last night"
404. One of the better excuses I have ever used, came to me one day when I showed up to work 6 hours late without calling in. I told my boss that, "this morning I woke up only to find the 1st and 2nd floors of my house soaked and with puddles of water everywhere. There was no way I could come into work until I contacted the plumber, waited for him to come over, and started to clean up the mess. Then to top it all off I had to take another shower and find more clean clothes." When my boss asked me what had happened? I told him that one of the water pipes had snapped out of its socket and the water all night had dripped down through the walls and the ceiling for what looked like 3 hours or so. To top it all off he gave me the next 2 days off from work to deal with the problem and get my house into order. THAT WAS A GREAT 4 DAY WEEKEND!
405. A guy that worked the evening shift thought he would try the "honest" approach called in a said, "my brother is coming to town and we're probably going out and getting drunk."
406. I can't come in today because while I was writing a list of possible excuses I could use to not come in, I got a writer's cramp around #98!
407. I can't come to work today, my dog gave birth to kittens!
408. Late for work a lot, Sir I have lime disease.
409. Late for work again. I crashed the car. The car was complete with a small dent that I got pulled out for free, and a bruise , punch for punch, with my brother.
410. Sorry, I will not be in to work today. My car wanted to take an early morning swim and I'm still pulling seaweed out of my hair. True story.. I live in an area were there are a ton of lakes. One morning running a little late, and driving to fast, I came around a curve, and lost control of my car and ended up in the lake upside down. My co-workers never did let me live it down, and my boss did not believe me until I had my father call and explain what happened.
411. Here are two excuses, used at different times, by one of my co-workers: # 1 via telephone: "I won't be in today because my roommate came home last night with head lice." # 2 via email: "I'm not feeling good today. I came in today to try to stay but I have really bad craps and there killing me, I would really like to go home and lye down. Is there anyway that I can go home?" [She actually meant 'cramps' but the 'm' got lost.]
412. A Co-worker once called in with this excuse: "There is a really, really big mean dog outside my house and I have to wait for animal control to come and take the dog away!" She didn't come in at all that day!
413. I have a friend who told our boss that he needed to leave work because his uncle was dying and he needed to beat his cousin to the power tools.
414. I work in a large factory and there was a group of women that were friends and also had a friend that didn't work in our plant. One day the friend , who didn't work there, called in and said her sons girlfriend had died from a drug overdose. So the other 3 left work, and were spotted at the mall.
415. I was sick yesterday but I still came in to work. But I'm feeling better today so I'm calling in sick.
416. This really happened where I work. A female worker called in and said her water bed exploded and she needed to wash the sheets before she slept on them. (She works the third shift)
417. I live in Florida. I had to call in from work one Monday because there was a four foot alligator in my driveway! True story!
418. I was ridding the world of evil spirits- and ya know how late they stay up! Man I got like three minutes of sleep.... and this one really big thang stunk so bad that my nose doesn't work any more and the nasal passages have backed up into my brain- I might have a stroke if I think too hard!
419. I was in the Navy and in Seattle for a ship show, a fellow sailor was late for returning to the ship one morning. His excused was his rental car went through a puddle of water and the water must have gotten into the engine and stalled it out. He had to call the rental company and get a new car. That is why he was 1 1/2 hours late. The very next day he was 2 hours late, and the excuse was, someone in front of his car slammed on the brakes so he slammed on his brakes but then he couldn't get the brakes to disengage so he had to call the rental car company and get another new car. No action was ever taken because of his originality. ( I figure being in the Navy is considered work. Madtbone )
420. As a working single mother of two I rarely took a day off for myself. Saying my kids were ill was not excusable because they knew I had a childcare who would take care of them. Finally one day, out of exhaustion, I called in and said "My kids had lice and I had to treat them and fumigate the house. It worked, my boss felt sorry for me and gave me the day off with no problem. I spent a delightful day at the beach.
421. This is a real one! A girl at work called in one morning , 15 minutes after she was supposed to be there, and said. "I can't come in...I forgot that I have to go to Disney World today."
422. I would have been on time for work today, if I hadn't gotten in front of that State Trooper, I couldn't go over the speed limit!
423. My buddy Leon swears a guy where he works used this one. Seems new policy was put in effect that no longer could you just call in sick, you had to have a reason for not coming in. His buddy called and told his boss he wasn't coming in that day, when his boss asked his reason for missing work? His reply was...Vaginal Dryness!!!!
424. Sorry I'm late, I've just had to comfort an old friend who's husband has recently died from cancer. She broke down in front of me what was I to do?
425. I can't come in today, my son found the gun.
426. Use on when your vacation ends on May 1, July 1, October 1, December 1 and want to take an extra day off. I thought (previous month: April, June, September, November) had 31 days!
427. An employee of mine was late for work one morning and hadn't called, he had no phone so I couldn't call him. Upon arrival, when asked why he was late he said that he had to walk to work, but wasn't as late since he "found" a bicycle on his way in. This actually happened twice, only several years apart and two different employees.
428. I couldn't come into work yesterday, my girlfriend broke up with me and I needed to move my stuff out.
429. One day it was raining really hard and this girl I used to work with actually called in and said that a tree had fallen down on her street and she couldn't get to work. (She lives in Queens six blocks from the subway)
430. I had about 3 hours before I had to be to work. I was on the interstate heading for a haircut appointment. Traffic stopped completely due to construction. I was rammed from behind and immediately had neck and back pain. I grabbed my cell, called my employer, and said "I am currently sitting in my car on I-5 and was just rear-ended. I am having neck and back pain and wont know anymore till I call 911 and get my ass to the hospital. I will be in if I'm allowed to walk again." I then called 911 and reported the accident. After an ambulance ride and a series of x-rays, I actually made it to work right on time.
431. Sorry boss I'll be late for 2 hours. When I woke up this morning and my lady was making tea in her new silk pajamas, the call of nature became to strong for me!
432. Hi, I'm going to be late. I was talking to my mother. (used this excuse twice in one week)
433. Actually used: I can only work a couple of hours today because lightning struck the utility pole during the storm last night near my house and power is out. I couldn't take a shower, so I have to leave early because I can't work if I don't shower. This was after this person told one of the colleagues the day before she would leave early the next day.
434. Sorry I can't make it in today. I have intestinal problems.
435. I had worked for a temp agency and I was supposed to have an assignment to do. I had gone out drinking all night and I stayed out at my new boyfriends house and he didn't have a phone he had just moved in. I stayed there all day and didn't call in, so when I got home I called and said I was on my way home the night before, and had gotten pulled over. I said I had warrants and went to jail and that is why I didn't call in cause I couldn't. :)
436. I actually showed up once for work 2 hours late. When asked why I was late I said to my manager, it was cold outside and my bed was warm, so I got back in. Yes, I still have the same job too. :)
437. I am a foreman where I work. I had an employee that had been bragging about finally getting a phone. He missed two days in a row and when I asked why he didn't call, he said he didn't know the phone number.
438. I can't come in to work today, we went shopping yesterday, I left my purse in the truck, my husband went fishing took his truck and my car keys are in my purse, no spare keys, and he is the middle of the lake with no phone or anyway to get a hold of him. This actually happened.
439. I called in sick one day, and told my boss this story: Last night I was outside in my yard, I saw this strange black thing on the ground, so I bent down to pick it up. Well it bit me. I captured it in a mayonnaise jar and it turned out to be a fruit bat. Of course I had to take it and myself to the hospital to make sure it didn't have rabies. Thank goodness it didn't. So I should be in tomorrow, or the next day. ( a bat actually did bit my brother months before, which gave me the idea) I wrapped my hand up a little and went to work a few days later. Of course everyone believed it, it was so outrageous.
440. I can't come to work today because I've got really bad shits and we've run out of toilet paper.
441. I will be late as there is a man laying in front of my door and I'm not sure if he is dead or not, so I'm waiting for the police to come.
442. Really used by coworker! I will be late for work because I have locked my keys in my running car in the middle of the intersection.
443. I am constipated from the food my boyfriend cooked me last night.
444. I called in to work saying I wouldn't be in that day because I had leaned against the gas heater, my skirt caught on fire, I burned my ass and I was in the hospital. It was an entertaining injury in spite of being 2nd and 3rd degree burns. One of my favorites was telling people I just had to prove I was a flaming asshole.
445. I can't make it to work today because there is a bowling ball stuck under my car! (True Story)
446. A good one for the day of presidential elections is: "I had to go an do my duty as an American and VOTE!
447. One night a group of six girls went out to celebrate a birthday. Instead of a few drinks and dinner, it turned into a very late night. So all six decided that they were going to play hooky the next day and had the most responsible and serious sounding of the girls call each girl's boss and give the story that everyone, except this girl had food poisoning and she was at the hospital waiting for everyone to get their stomach pumped and that none of them would be in including her. Of course it worked, but now as I think back, if I were a boss and got this message at 3:45 am I would be a little suspicious. (Oh what a night though!)
448. I have this on a pin that I occasionally wear to work. "Sorry I'm late but f**king off takes time". With luck the boss will laugh and forget their question.
449. This one got me a week off - I got drunk on Friday night and fell asleep on a football field with no top on. I woke up extremely sunburned and now I am passing blood.
450. A good late for work excuse, if you drive to work..... A Porta John truck, the kind that looks like a flat bed for cars, had hit a massive pothole and some of the johns fell off blocking off all the lanes on the highway when they shattered.
451. I was actually out in the parking lot the last two hours. A rabid dog wouldn't let me get out of my car.
452. A guy once called into work and said, "I can't come in to work today, my hand is still asleep and I can't seem to wake it up!"
453. I've only used two excuses that I got away with. My boss was really easy going and I had already submitted my leave for another job. I decided not to go in one day and he called and I said, "Look, I can't come in today. My hair is on fire.", he said, "Well can you come in soon?", I said, "I'll see if the grape juice in my fridge will put it out." The next day I didn't go again, and he called me, I said, "I'm not coming in today, I slept in." He said, "Are you ever coming back?" I said again, "I don't feel like it, but since you're paying me, maybe I'll be in tomorrow." I never got fired :-)
454. I had an employee call in on a cold day, with full sunshine and a breeze and tell me he couldn't come in because his tires on his car were froze to the ground!!
455. One day a coworker at a grocery store showed up three hours late, and nobody answered when the boss tried to call his house. When he finally got there, he said that he had overslept and hadn't heard the alarm clock or phone because he'd been in line all night trying to get concert tickets. It worked!
456. THIS IS 100% TRUE I am a lazy person and one day a number of years ago I took a day off from work. On returning to work the following day I was asked why I had been off. To which I replied; "I slept in and didn't wake up till 3pm," I lied. "I had a headache the night before last and I took 2 of my wife's sleeping pills by mistake instead of a couple of painkillers." My boss said that I must be telling the truth because no-one could think of an excuse like that.
457. I can not come in today, because my cat ran away.
458. One co-worker, when asked why he didn't call when he didn't show up for work the previous day said, "I couldn't remember the phone number." He'd only worked for us for a week.
459. On his first scheduled Saturday to open the office by himself, he called another co-worker and explained he'd gotten arrested for jumping off the Riverwalk in San Antonio the night before.
460. Another co-worker asked me to "please tell the boss I won't be in today - my flesh-eating bacteria is acting up again." He really just had a bad case of athlete's foot.
461. A woman that I work with is chronically late and usually will take off early. Those are on the days when she decides to show up at all. One of her excuses for being late was, "Well, I had to finish my daughter's homework.... " I have kids....I've done homework, but I don't DO MY KIDS' HOMEWORK!! sheesh!
462. To the boss for missing a days work: I'm sorry I wasn't here on Monday but I got so busy with things to do that when Monday came I thought it was Sunday, and since Sunday is my day off, I missed work!!
463. Several years ago I worked for the U.S. Postal Service as a supervisor. While I was overseeing the work several male mail handlers, one of the young men asked to be excused for the rest of the day. I asked him why. He said it was personal. I told him that if it was so personal that he couldn't tell me, no, he couldn't leave. He thought about this for a minute, then said " OK, My girlfriend is in the hospital. She just had my baby and I would like to go shopping for some things for the baby." I said well fine, that's nice, but you can do that anytime. He said, "Oh no, you see if I go now, when I'm suppose to be working, my wife won't find out about it." True or not? I don't know. I did let him off for originality anyway.
464. I won't be in to work today because my electric is off, and it's cold here without a furnace or lights or hot water. So I have to stay home till they fix it.
465. This actually did happen to me and I was not very happy about it and charged the offender for lost revenue. But I can recommend it for anyone and this is how it went. I walked round to my garage, which is about a 20 meter walk from my house, and this fool had parked his car in front of my garage preventing me from going to work. I phoned work and explained the situation and they didn't believe me. I started to kick the car impeding my getting to work and they then believed me and said it was fine.... great huh???
466. (*Over the Phone*) I won't be able to make it into work because I lost my voice.
467. I live with my sister and she uses my car to go to work. So I had arranged for a friend of mine to pick me up, only he forgot, so I had to call into work and tell them that he forgot to pick me up and since everyone was already at work I had to take a taxi.
468. Me: "Hi, Benny? I can't come in today." Benny: "Why not? You sick?" Me: "No. I just can't come in." Benny: "Okay." Inspired by "Office Work", a transcendental work of art.
469. I am sorry I can't come in to work to day for my wife/husband is a bitch/asshole!
470. Boss.... sorry can not make it back to work. I was driving down the street and a wall of water overtook me, my car floated away from me.
471. A guy used this one to leave work early: My wife left the window open and there was a beehive right next to the window and now she is freaking out because there are a bunch of bees in my house. I need to go home and take care of the situation!
472. My lock broke on my door and I can't come in today. I need to wait for the locksmith!
473. My kid threw something in the toilet bowl and it's all backed up. I need to wait for the plumber to show up and fix it.
474. One day an employee called out saying she had to have surgery for an ingrown toenail...the next day she called out because her toe was sore and she had to see the doctor.... the next day she came to work with a doctors note stating she could not work for 6 weeks..... all of this for an ingrown toenail!
475. I am going to be late because I have car trouble. My car isn't fast enough to get me there on time.
476. I can't sort fruit on the sorting table because I suffer from motion sickness.
477. I can't work today because I have a sore back.
478. I'm in the military and excuses are not tolerated but they like to hear what people come up with, one fellow worker has a little habit of being late(22 times in 2 years) well one day he had drove out in town (were in Tokyo) and he was far away and his car broke down on the highway ( he doesn't own a car) and he had to get it fixed. Well they were going to take to long so he rode the train at 4 a.m. to come to work ( trains don't start till 6 a.m.) and he got on the wrong train and fell asleep and woke up realizing he went the wrong way ( this man knows the trains like clockwork) and when he was asked why he didn't call on his cell phone he said it was disconnected. Well as he was leaving the office his cell phone rang, needless to say all the discrepancies got him into a little trouble. You'd think after 22 times he could come up with some kind of proof.
479. I didn't get my work done because I was too busy reading all of the excuses!
480. This kinda is pathetic and I am not joking, but this really happened to me. I had to call in sick one morning and tell my boss that I had a Grand Mal seizure that morning and was completely wasted, so I wouldn't be at work that morning.
481. I'm going to be late today, my windows were iced over on my van and I got in and started it and got the windshield wipers going. Then I got out and picked up the garden hose to break up the ice. When I tried to get back in my van, the doors were locked and my extra set of keys are in backpack in the van. I have to call Triple A to get my door unlocked!
482. I'm sorry I can't come in early at any time, because when I get up early my hands and feet swell!
483. I woke up really late so I was in a rush to go to my bus then my sprinkler system when on and I got all wet. So then I had to change and then my mom goes to work before I wake up so I called my grandma to pick me up but she didn't come till 11:00.
484. One of the ladies that works with my Husband wears a t-shirt to work I think is so cute..."I was out of sick days so I called in Dead..."
485. I'm calling in ugly today because if I come in I'm going to get really ugly with you.
486. We have a guy that we keep a list on and as of 1/16/01 we have 148 reasons he has had to miss work or take off early.....Some of his recent antics are.....He has to pack because he is leaving for Las Vegas....Then when he came back he took the day off because he overdid it in Las Vegas. Other excuses include: Watching paint dry. His front door fell off. Someone at work coughed on him. He actually call in with an excuse of "Not that kind" we have yet to find out where this excuse is on our timecards.
487. I have a mate who is late everyday, and he has different excuses. One of them was, "Sorry I'm late, a tribe of Red Indians attached my car in the middle of a busy road."
488. Years ago when I was running the floor of a buffet this one girl called in. Her excuse was "I can't come in to work today. I got in a fight with my boyfriend, he punched me in the face and I was in short term comma. "They want to keep me over night." Later that night I went to a party and saw her there. Her knowing that I am in the position to have her fired or keep her job. She approached me and said to me. "If you tell that you saw me here I will beat you up so bad that you will want to kill your self with how ugly you will be." Well, needless to say she did lose her job. If she wouldn't have made the threat I wouldn't have said a thing, I was 16 once...LMAO
489. I can't come in to work today because of illness and fatigue. I'm sick and tired of my job.
490. I am not late; I am in fact 23 hours early. I did not come in yesterday because of diarrhea, I expect 23 hours of overtime!
491. My father (or pick a relative you don't care about) had an asthma attack last night and I had to take him to the ER. We were there all night and I just got in this morning...I'm in no condition to come in.
492. I'm running late because I'm locked inside my house. The doorknob on my front door broke and while trying to replace it I broke it even worse and now I can't open it at all.
493. I won't be in today because last night my roommate's ex-boyfriend kicked down my door and I have to watch my apartment until the landlord comes to replace the door frame because my door won't close.
494. A woman called in and said that her pastor would not allow her to work in an office with non-Christians. The owner was Jewish and the manager was pagan. No one bothered to try to talk her out of staying home (for good).
495. (Late for work for a second day) Sorry I was late again, but I bought a new alarm clock last night, plugged it into the wall and electrocuted myself. I past out and didn't regain consciences until now.
496. I used this one when I was young and daring (but I'm still creative): Well, I woke up late because I couldn't hear my alarm clock over my roommate screaming at me to wake up. Then, I was in such a hurry I forgot to call you to let you know I was going to be late. Then, still in a hurry, I got on the wrong bus, and now I have no idea where I'm at. I'll call back when I find somebody around here who speaks English.
497. This are a couple of work excuses that a coworker of mine used & got away with! "I won't be able to come in this week. I have to help my husband find a job." Funny thing is that we all knew that her husband had just walked off of a job (He was written up for going to the restroom). He had spoken with a lawyer who told him to file for either workman's comp. or unemployment. The same woman missed a day of work the week before saying that she couldn't come in because her husband had diarrhea, so he couldn't watch their two year old. She uses her mother for her childcare provider!
498. My boyfriend got put in a drug rehabilitation in another state and I have to go to that state. No, I can't visit him but I want to be near him, so I can't work for you anymore.
499. I won't be at work today, actually I don't need any excuses. I'm an adult ain't I ?
500. I can't come in today. There was a terrible storm last night and it blew sticks all over my back yard. I have to clean them up. (this was an actual excuse made by a co-worker of mine.)
501. (This really did happen) I started my monthly, and was embarrassed to admit it to anyone so I asked my husband to call in for me, believing he would come up with a good one. He called and said, "Hi I am calling in for my wife, she is on her monthly and is bleeding, so she wont be in today." Needless to say I was fired the next day.
502. Actually used: "I couldn't come to work because I was cycling to work but fell down. Then somebody hit me in the eye and stole my bike." This person goes to work every day by bus!
503. A colleague of mine, who lives in a farm, called work one day and said that she was coming in late because someone let out their drove of cattle over night and she had to chase them back to the paddock!
504. I was late for work because the train had flat.
505. For being late: This actually worked. As I was leaving the men's room 10 minutes before starting time, my foot slipped on some organic matter and wouldn't you know it my foot got hopelessly stuck in the bottom of the urinal. Finally the foot came out and then the shoe came easily. I was yelling in there, didn't anyone hear me?
506. I wont be able to come to work today as my refrigerator door fell off its hinges last night and damaged my kitchen floor! And I will not be able to get it repaired till Monday.
507. My car is stuck in the snow with a flat tire.
508. I'm stuck at the mall with out a ride. (I would always use this excuse, and each time they would ask me, "How did you get there?".
509. I wont be able to come in to work today. I was masturbating while I was driving and I waved at a trucker and then I accidentally spilt burning hot coffee on my genitals.
510. This one is from Scotland and has worked on many occasions and it was, "I just could not be arsed!"
511. This is the easiest: "Oh, I'm sorry' I just didn't want to go that day." It doesn't make you guilty, and it's honest!
512. I wont be in to work today because on the way out the door this morning I tripped on my tackle box and fell on a case of beer...........sssoooooooooo!
513. Worker did not show up for three days. He did not call as required. Finally came to work saying that he had taken a new medication for high blood pressure which had caused his body to swell up so large that he could not get through his bedroom door. He was unable to call because his telephone was in the living room. He was able to come to work now because the swelling had gone down.
514. I cannot come to work today because while shaving my pubic hair I cut myself and am suffering extreme pain. Thank you for your understanding.
515. I was late for work one day and decided to tell my boss that the car wouldn't restart after fuelling it up. Because I work for a Motoring organization I knew she'd expand by wanting to know the problem so I'd say the Earth strap had loosened off. As I got out of the car I realized that if I'd repaired the car my hands would be dirty, and that the boss would be sharp enough to ask to see them, so I lifted the Bonnet (Hood - I'm Scottish !!) and rubbed my hands over the rocker cover to get muck on them, and went into my office and offered my excuse. Sure enough the boss asked why I was late and I told her - Earth strap loose, car wouldn't start. No problem. After about 10 minutes she came over and said, "If you'd been fixing the car you'll have dirty hands!?" To which I held them up and smiled. Yes! some times they really do have to get up out of bed earlier don't they! That's why SHE'S the Boss - the superior intelligence!!.
516. "I didn't call in yesterday because squirrels got in my attic and ate the telephone wires. I had to wait for the repairman to come and fix it, that's why I didn't come to work yesterday." That was a real excuse from an old co-worker. She was eventually fired!
517. To miss a day of work... "I had chapped lips." This one really worked, the foreman laughed so hard he spit his coffee. I didn't get fired.
518. I didn't go to work one day, the next day however when the boss asked me where I was I said that my wife was going to get pregnant last night and I wanted to be there when it happened.
519. We had a guy that would only work 4 days a week, the boss called him into the office and asked him why he was only working 4 days a week? The guy told him, "I can't make it on 3 days".
520. They were painting the lane lines in the street, and I could not make a left turn.
521. A co-worker who I thought had already used every excuse possible to miss work, came up with one I'm sure is an original and never heard before. She was on her way to work and the ashtray in her car fell out and cut her leg and she was not able to stand, but the good part is she did not call in just for one day but three!
522. I need the afternoon off because my one armed brother is flying in and he has two suitcases.
523. When I was working for the railroad, sometimes a crewman would call in to lay off for whatever reason. The best one I recall was early one morning an engineer phoned and said he had to lay off, "my sister just got hit by an airplane!" That is what I wrote down. That receive quite a comment from the supervisor later that morning!
524. I won't be in to work today because I took the wrong turn off the expressway and I am at Jones Beach.
525. I wanted to go on vacation for two weeks. During tax season at my accounting firm. So I called the owner and said I had been arrested and taken for tax fraud, and that they will release me in about 2-3 weeks. He felt so bad he gave me a bonus to cover lawyer fees.
526. I can't come to work because my cat died and I have to get the ashes from the vet. Also, my bird just died.
527. "I'm late for work because my son is wearing a tux to school today." This really happened! "I swapped cars with him because mine is nicer. When I started his car up the blinkers were stuck on. I wiggled the switch until they turned off. Then I couldn't get it to shift into reverse. Once I got it to shift, the brakes were grinding so bad that I didn't dare to drive very fast. I didn't want to drive very fast anyway because his gym shoes are in the back seat and they smell like the cat peed on them so I had to drive with the windows down all the way and if I went fast the wind would mess up my hair . It's the honest truth. I should sell the car. Want to go for a test drive?" My boss just smiled and shook his head.
528. My favorite excuse I used once; one day I missed work because my dog died. I came in the next day and said there was a death in the family. My boss say's to me who died? I said my dog died. Everybody started laughing in the office, then the big boss said, it's not funny, because you get attached to your pets, they are a part of your family. So if you want to miss a day of work, just say there was a death in the family.
529. I can't come to work today, because I had to go to the hospital last night after I blew my muffler and burned my lips.
530. A former co-worker of mine actually used this excuse. Needless to say...she doesn't work there anymore because of her lack of tact and the fact that she thought she was going to have a mental breakdown. But here was her excuse, which she left on her supervisor's voicemail: "I can't come into work today because I don't have any clean underwear." I wouldn't have wanted her to come in either!
531. Co-worker called in and claimed that the spring on his garage door was broken and he was trapped in his house. Consequently, he said would not be in that day.
532. An ex-colleague of mine didn't turn up for work one morning. When his supervisor calls him up to see where he is, and why he hasn't phoned in, he simply replies, that he thought he had but must have just dreamt phoning in.
533. A man at the printing plant where I work called in once with the excuse that while he was getting ready for work, his dog grabbed his hairbrush and somehow managed to escape his house and ran away with the hairbrush. He called in about 10AM-work starts at 7AM-and said he was still looking for the dog and/or the hairbrush. I never quite got that one. However, exactly a week later he called in saying he couldn't get there because he had painted the trim in the bedroom and it had not fully dried when he went to bed, so the door was stuck closed and he could not escape. No reason was given for why he had not succumbed to the fumes in the night, although they had obviously made him too weak to throw himself at the door in an attempt to free himself.
534. True story: I had to call in late to work one morning because I fell asleep with my glasses on. Being very near sighted, I couldn't drive to work (or anywhere for that matter) It took me well over an hour to find them on the floor under the bed!
535. Please excuse Andy from missing work this week. The reason was that he had a sinus infection and gave him medicine for it. So please excuse him for his absence.
536. I have two...both of which I have personally used successfully. 1.) I called in scared, "I'm afraid I can't come in today." 2.) I was hypnotized by a calendar. (it was hanging loosely on a wall tack)
537. I'm sorry I'm 10 minutes late getting to work today. It's because I was two hours late going home yesterday.
538. I used this excuse when I worked in a salon. While getting ready for work I managed to get four hair brushes stuck in my hair. I called in and explained what happened and said I'll be late getting in. My boss told me to come in and we will try to get them out. I said it will be hard for me to drive because they were in my face. Now women will understand how I could get four brushes stuck at the same time. Men just think of it as hair science gone way way wrong. MY girlfriend owned a salon down the street from my house and I told them I would call. She got the brushes out in minutes so she and I went to breakfast and caught a early movie. I called in five hours after the whole brush drama started and said I'm on my way. I walk in the salon and everybody turned to look at me and gasped, "oh my god what the hell happened" .I said, "sshheee ccoouullddnn'tt ggeett tthheemm oouuuttt. I had cut my waist length hair to about two inches off my scalp. My boss felt so bad for me he gave me my Friday pay and the weekend off. What they didn't know was that I had planned to do something drastic anyway. I was nineteen and six months pregnant and didn't give a damn. This really happened.
539. This is a good one if your female: "I'm not coming into work today I have my period and I might kill you." (works well if the boss is male!!)
540. I had an employee call in with the excuse that her tongue was too swollen to talk. She had had her tongue pierced and it was too painful to come to work. My other favorite is an employee who called in with vaginal spasms. I laughed for a week with this one-sadly, she considered it a serious medical condition.
541. Well I live in Arizona and we have lots of spiders here during the summer. One day when I really really didn't feel like going to work I decided to tell my boss that I had gotten a spider bite on my foot in the middle of the night and couldn't walk. It was the perfect excuse because by the time I had to go to work again the spider bite (if it was real) would have gotten better, and my boss had never heard that excuse so of course they believed it!!!
542. If my boss ever reads this he'll know who it came from, but it's just too funny not to share. My boss's excuse for not coming to work: "I stepped on toothpick this morning and will not be able to make it in today." .....(I can't make up things like this!)
543. I could not come in/ was late for work today because I was filling out some applications for better, higher-paying jobs.
544. I have to leave early today because my socks won't stay up. (true story used by my boss)
545. I am a female and I work with about 50 guys. I didn't want to come in one day so I called them and told them I had sprained my UTERUS, they didn't know any better.
546. I'm calling in because I won't be in today do to lack of sleep you see I just got married and we partied all night and I'm just a bit worn out and don't want to fall asleep on the job.
547. For the disgruntled employee: To Boss/Supervisor: I can't come in today because I will kill you if I do.
548. When my husband attended U.S.C., I used to leave work and take him to school during my lunch break. After I dropped my husband off at school, and I got back to the car, the car would not start. I ran back to school and brought my husband back. He lifted the hood of the car, and noticed our brand new battery was missing. My husband walked up to the guard in his little house and demanded that he tell us who stole our battery. He pretended not to have seen anything. My husband then threatened to throw over his little wooden house. He got nervous and told us that a few rows down we would find some guys who had our battery. Indeed, they were there and they let us have the battery on the condition that we would not tell the police. Naturally, after all this, I came back late from lunch and the above was my excuse for being late.
549. (Phone call from airport) Sorry I can't come in today as the airline overbooked my plane and because they are busy over the long weekend the earliest they can fly me back is Tuesday evening.
550. Is it ok that I take the day off? I want to spend the day with my girlfriend. I need to spend some time with her.
551. Someone from work called this in: Day 1: While cleaning one of my contact lenses last night I accidentally tore it. Unfortunately I have no spares, but they called a couple of days ago with my order. I am going to stop by and pick them up on my way in. They open at 10am so I will be in shortly after. (she did not make it in and no one heard from her). Day 2: As luck would have it after 3 hours at the eye doctors yesterday I have to put antibiotic drops in my eye and wear a patch for the remainder of today. It appears I scratched my eye while taking out the contact lens. As a precaution the doctor looked at my eye when I went in. I have been advised to keep putting the drops in for the remainder of today, every 3 hours and keep the patch on until tonight. She recommended staying home in order to avoid any strain on the uncovered eye.
552. I saw my mother's new boyfriend on America's Most Wanted and can't come in because I have to warn her and the FBI.
553. I'm sorry I am late, I was trying to come up with a good work excuse.
554. Hey boss...you wont ever believe why I'm late! This huuuuge hippopotamus, and his family were in the middle of the road and there was no way to move them so we had to make detours and go miles out of our way. I'm sorry sir, I will never be late again.
555. Please excuse me from missing work today. You see, I was driving home from the gas station and McDonald's last night and I guess I forgot to put the gas cap on my tank and it was leaking on the road...well I had my window down and I was lighting my cigarette and I threw the ash out the window...so I guess you know what happened then? Well...the gas got on the car behind me and so did the ash and it started a huge fire so I slammed on my brakes...(my brake lights are out and I need some new ones) so the guy behind me didn't know I was going to stop and we had a collision and now we are both here in the hospital chatting...so maybe I can come into work tomorrow. Sorry for the inconvenience.
556. "WELL I was out having some drinks with old buddies when I took a sip of Gin & tonic and accidentally bit down on a piece of ice and chipped my tooth". "I have to go to the dentist to get it repaired cause it hurts when I eat now."
557. This is the dumbest excuse ever, I can't believe he thought this would be convincing...especially when he sounded just fine. I'm not sure who this guy was, he didn't work for our company, but I had a voicemail from him saying he wouldn't be coming into work since he drank a whole bottle of cough syrup. He said he didn't know he was only supposed to take a tablespoon of it, and realized it after the fact. He also said he went to the doctor and the doc said he would be fine, he just needs to sleep it off for a while.
558. "Sorry, but I won't be able to make it in today. My girlfriend's former bi-sexual lover just called, and is on her way over. You don't expect me to work today, when I can stay at home and watch them, do you?"
559. l work nights and my girlfriend called and said that she was really horny and asked if l could come home early. So l acted like l crapped my pants and my boss sent me home.
560. Sorry I'm late this morning boss. Last night I gave my girl friend a break from her dogs and they spent the night at my house. Well this morning while I was getting the dogs in my van, one of them bolted out of the open door and started running up the street. I got in my van and chased him around the block three times before I could get him back into the van and to my girl friends house.
561. A co-worker phoned in to say she would not be in to work because she could only find one of the shoes she wanted to wear that day. She did admit to owning over 30 pairs of shoes. She got away with it too.
562. Phoned in late because Psycho ex-boyfriend got in my garage and let the air out of all four tires!
563. I had too many late days on my record so I had to miss the whole day instead. I phoned in 2 hours late and said my suicidal uncle that is living with me is a diabetic and did not come home all night. I needed to be out looking for him and did not have time to stop and phone in earlier. This really did happen. I just did not know about it until I woke up late. The missed day was not counted against my attendance, counted as FMLA instead. I did not know this until a month later. I could have phoned in an extra time if I knew that one did not count against me.
564. I will be late for work because my automatic garage door opener broke and I can not get my car out of the garage. (this really did work) The next day when I did finally show up, I said I could not get the garage door company over to my house until it was too late for me to work my shift.
565. If you're late, just say, "Sorry I was late, I was having my period." If you're a girl, no one will ask. If you're a guy, NO ONE WILL ASK!
566. This one was actually used by my friend: "Sorry I'm so late, a squirrel got into a power transformer and knocked out the power on the whole street causing my alarm clock to lose it's time."
567. I am calling in blind. I can't see myself coming in to work today. Didn't work, I was reprimanded.
568. A co-worker of mine once called on a Sunday afternoon and explained that he Wouldn't be there for his evening shift because he had to get a shirt tailored.
569. My friend who now lives in California always seem to come up with the best excuses. She would actually get away with them, too!! She was always, always late. Every day she was late but this particular morning she had a good excuse which was completely untrue. She came in to work and told her boss that when she went out to unlock her car the key broke off in the lock and she had to wait for a locksmith to come out. She was 5 hours late to work. She was also the type who would call in sick and tell you every gory detail about her extreme diarrhea or her heavy period or the puss oozing from an infected sore. She had no pride. Whatever it took to get out of work she'd say it or do it. She's my hero!!
570. I had a coworker who called in to say he would be late to work because he had an appointment to have his dog washed and coifed at the local pet store. From that time on, any time some one would call in late we would say, "Oh, having your dog washed?"
571. "I can not come in. The barometric pressure is too high."
572. I called in with this once after a night of $1 shots (Canadian) and 10 cent wings, in retrospect guess I was still tanked. "I can't come in today...my roommate got drunk, locked himself in the bathroom and drank a bottle of nightquil (sleep inducing cough syrup). I gotta drive him into the hospital now that we found him". They didn't sound like they believed me but I didn't get in trouble.
573. True story. I called into work a few times saying that I couldn't hear and wouldn't be into work today. Only works if you got hearing aids =) (True Story).
574. Due to lack of interest, I will not be in today.
575. I was late this morning cuz, "I ran after an injured squirrel for 1/2 block on the street. The squirrel darted up a tree when I got within 2 feet of it, so the squirrel must have been ok:"
576. I will be late today because it is raining and I don't have a hydroplane.
577. I am too sad to work today!
578. I am an employer, but I really enjoyed your page! My favorite excuse that I have ever heard from my employees is: "I can't come in today because I ran MYSELF over with my car last night!" Is that possible? 'Ya know what- it sure was! It really happened somehow!
579. Received a call from our company delivery driver stating that he could not report to work. He stated his reason, "My uniforms are in jail and I have nothing to wear." Apparently the evening before his girlfriend had gone to do laundry, was stopped for a traffic violation, had a warrant out, was arrested and the car impounded. His clean uniforms were in a basket in the back seat!
580. I can't make it in, I went out last night, I don't know where I am and I can't find my teeth. This was an ACTUAL call from an old drunk burned out woman at work. I have witnesses and can provide statements! *laughs*
581. I can't come to work today... I can't find my shoes.
582. "I have to leave work early because my mothers bad knees locked up on her in the middle of a busy intersection and she is stuck in her car in the middle of traffic."
583. This was used on the Friday before mothers day: "I'll be late for work because today is "Mexican Mother's Day" and I have to call my mom and a bunch of Aunt's in Mexico."
584. I used this for not starting a new job at a restaurant. I had a friend call in to the new job and say she was my sister. She said that I had to be committed to a mental hospital and that I couldn't start the job. However, I would be out in a few months and if they wanted I could come work for them, but they would have to keep me away from knives. :)
585. This excuse is to go home early. I have been using it since High School days. I got my period so bad that it gone through my clothes and I have a huge mess.
586. I had a woman call me with this excuse: "I'm not going to be at work tonight, because I'm just too Bitchy." If you knew her, you would know why I excused her. I also overheard my friend call in stupid once. He said, "I can't come to work because I'm just stupid." He was fired.
587. Diarrhea is always a great excuse, but I have found that spicing it up can be even better! "I have the most awful diarrhea, with unbelievable cramping, but the worst of it is, I'm passing huge amounts of blood!" This is guaranteed to get you loads of sympathy.
588. I can't come in today. My car was repossessed while I was sleeping! (true story)
589. I have an employee that never seems to run out of excuses for missing work. But I think the best one I ever got from him was when his wife called me and told me that his dog was in the Vets office and that he was just to grief stricken to make it to work the following day. This man is 40 plus years old, I know we all love our pets but to me this was a little over the top, I would have rather had him lie and told me he was sick.
590. I have been having repeating problems with my garage door opener not closing and as I was getting ready to leave today it won't close at all. I have tried to use the manual pulley but it won't come loose either. I really don't want to leave the house with it open like that. I have placed a call to the company that installed it and they are going to try and get a tech out here today. With this in mind would it be okay if I telecommute today? She never made it in and didn't telecommute as e-mails and pages went unanswered.
591. "Remember when I called out all of last week to go out of town due to my cousin being in the hospital because of a car accident? Well I need this week off because I came home and got a call to find out that as they bay-flighted my cousin to the hospital, the helicopter crashed and now he really needs me. He is in real bad shape." ( My cousin actually used this to play hooky for almost two weeks!)
592. The front door lock to my apartment has been sticking for a while and today I can't get it to work at all. I can't leave the apartment unlocked until building management's handyman gets here to fix it.
593. I had just started with a new electric company and woke up so late for work once, I decided rather than calling in sick this late, I'd come up with a real good story. Here goes: I told my supervisor that I was very ill all Sunday. When my room mate came to wake me Monday morning for work, I told them to call in for me because I was still ill. Well, not knowing what company I worked for... they went to the laundry basket and pulled out one of my old company shirts from my previous job. In turn, calling my old boss and telling him I wouldn't be in and to call if they needed to speak to me. Meanwhile I assumed everything was ok. This explains my not calling or coming in to work and not thinking anything was wrong on Tuesday morning when I returned to work.
594. I called in from a parkway rest area. Me: I won't be in to work today. Boss: What's wrong? Me: Car trouble. Boss: What's the matter with your car? Me: It's going to Wildwood (an amusement park) and I'm in it. I went to work the next day like nothing happened, the boss never said anything.
595. I can't come to work today, I've got an atomic toothache.
596. I can't come to work today because I am suffering from ergophobia. (fear of work)
597. I went on a beach vacation and I am unable to come in because I have Sand Ticks (huh??). This is an actual excuse used TODAY!!!
598. A dishwasher at the restaurant I worked at called in work and he said his dog bit his girlfriend's kid, and he shot the dog in the head. He had to stay home to clean its head off of the kitchen floor.
599. On a Friday night my friends and I were at a bar toasting happy hour. At about ten o-clock being pretty toasted we decided to bring some girls back to my house (fully knowing we had to work on Saturday) so we are in the Jacuzzi still drinking the night away when I look at my watch and it's 3:35 am. I made it to work at 10:00 am (3 hours late still drunk from the night before) and I get the you need to grow up speech. My friend makes it in about 11:30 and and she asks him what happened. He looks directly at her and says, as excuses come, I know you heard them all and I ain't goin to lie to you. I Got abducted by aliens. She just cracked a smirk and that was it.
600. This actually happened to me. I slipped and fell in the shower and banged my jaw against the tile ledge and had to go the emergency room. Nothing serious, but I couldn't talk 'cause it hurt like hell. I was working in customer service at the time, so my job involved talking on the phone. My wife had to call in for me. No one believed me the next day.

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