• 1.  Please excuse me from this speeding ticket. My wife ran off with a state policeman and when I saw your flashing lights I didn't stop because I thought you might be the trooper who is trying to bring her back to me.
  
   
• 2.  When I was 16 I was pulled over for running a yellow light. When the officer (male) asked why I had done it, I replied without thinking. "My dog was neutered today and I have to get home and check him out." Needless to say, I didn't get a ticket that day."
  
   
• 3.  I was driving Braille in a old VW bug coming home from San Francisco late one night with a friend and we had been drinking. A California Highway Patrol car stopped us and asked why my car was swaying back and forth and if I had been drinking. I told him that the front-end of my car was in really bad shape and couldn't help driving like that. I told him I had one drink and wasn't drunk. He gave me a sobriety test and somehow I passed and he believed my story. He turned to the other patrolman and said..." I told you he probably had something wrong with his front-end." Then he let me drive on home. There wasn't anything wrong with my car!
  
   
• 4.  Oh, officer, I've been living in Germany for so many years that I forgot how to read the signs in miles per hour. I sure am glad to be home and have someone remind me! He let me go with a warning.
  
   
• 5.  Oh, I know what happened, my brother told me that he had some really good tires for my old car here, but they were a little bit bigger than the old ones. That must have thrown off the cruise-control, because I had it set at 67 mph, like usual."  I was scolded for trying to go two miles over the speed limit, and let go.
  
   
• 6.  This guy was driving down the freeway and was stopped by the California Highway Patrol for talking on his cell phone, shaving with his electric razor and steering the car with his elbow all at the same time!
  
   
• 7.  A guy was driving down a country road, at night, in a convertible and he heard a loud noise in the back of his car. Apparently a deer was jumping out of the bush into the road and landed in the back seat of his car. Needless to say the man was very startled and was lucky not to get into an accident.
  
   
• 8.  A guy hit a deer and thought he killed it. Thinking that it would be good eating, he put the deer in the back of his car. The deer was only stunned and when it woke up it started to kick the driver tried to bite him. He pulled over with the deer still stuck in his car. As he was walking to a near by phone booth to call for help, a dog started to chase him and trapped him in the phone booth where he had to call the police and explain his troubles.
  
   
• 9.  This excuse I have actually used and it worked. I had gotten pulled over for speeding, and I told the cop I had dropped a cigarette in my lap, and while lifting my butt up to retrieve it, I must have inadvertently pushed down on the gas pedal...
  
   
• 10.  A couple years ago, my dad told me that I had a headlight out on my car just as I was ready to head back to my own place. I'd intended to get a new bulb, but I was really busy and forgot about it. As I was driving home after dark that evening, I was about two miles from home when a state trooper pulled me over and asked me if I knew that I had a headlight out. I didn't want a ticket, so even though my dad had told me about it, I put my best " dumb broad " face on and acted really surprised, then thanked the officer profusely for warning me about the problem and asked where I could get a new headlight that late on a Sunday evening. The cop let me off with just a warning and even gave me directions to a 24-hour Wal-Mart.
  
   
• 11.  Sorry officer I was leading in the Indianapolis 500...but I think I took a wrong turn! This is a true excuse I used when I was about 19 years old...the policeman was laughing so hard he told me to get going, but not to use that line again because he would spread it around...he said it was the most original one he had heard in his 9 years as a Prince George's County police officer.
  
   
• 12.  Hey Officer, what did you pull me over for? " ""Well son, you were speeding and weaving all over the road. Oh I know, I ran out of beer about 2 miles back and I was in a hurry to get some more!
  
   
• 13.  I was driving on the NJ Turnpike about 8 years ago and it was about 3 am and quite foggy. On the turnpike they have these brightly lit signs that say "Speed Limit 45" or "Slow" anyway, I had seen several of these signs and disregarded them - because my goal was to get to my parents house in record time. Eventually, I came upon a State Trooper who was waiting on the median, in the fog, for someone like me. He pulled me over, asked me how fast I thought I was going and I said 65. He asked me if I had seen any of these brightly lit signs, I said "no". He also asked me how long I had been driving that morning and I said "a couple of hours". He said, "are you sure you didn't see any of those signs", I said " I'm sorry officer I'm usually pretty attentive when I drive and I didn't see any signs". He couldn't believe what I told him. I heard him yell back to his partner "Can you believe this guy didn't see the signs". He was so disgusted that I said I didn't see the signs he let me go. I was cracking up after they left. BTW, I do believe it is dangerous to drive in the fog. All I can say is that I was young and dumb at the time and thought I was invincible. I now know better. The above excuse I borrowed from my Dad. He told me a story once when he was a young man and wanted to make a U-turn. Well there was, what my Dad said, was the world's largest No U-turn sign. Well, that's where he made the U-turn. The police pulled him over and his excuse - "I didn't see the sign officer". Hey, it worked for my Dad!
  
   
• 14.  This lady got pulled over for speeding. She thanked the trooper for stopping her. He said: Mam, why are you thanking me? She replied: It was they only way I knew to get tickets to the troopers Ball. Mam, he said, I can't get you any tickets because troopers don't have any balls.
  
   
• 15.  Hi officer, I am sorry that I was speeding, you see, my sister (whispering) thinks she is Queen Elizabeth and I was trying to take her to the mental hospital right up the street there. (audibly now) The Queen thought that I was driving too slow and so she told me to step on it. (whispering again) And believe me you don't want to tick off the Queen. ( Heard from the back seat) My good man what seems to be the trouble? Can't a Queen go out and about without being harassed? Don't you have some peasant you could be bothering? At this point the officer decided to give them a police escort to the loony bin. The Queen was more than happy to be treated in such a way and the person driving got off without a ticket. I guess the officer needed a good laugh that day.
  
   
• 16.  I live in a very small town, population about 600...one night I was driving home with my children and came thru town doing 55 *35 mph limit*. Oh course the city police officer pulled me over. He walks up to the window and I before he can say anything I look at him and say in the most hateful tone I can, " I know!! I was doing 55 in a 35 mph zone. I have been arguing with my teenage daughter and the more she talked the madder I got. So you going to write me up or what? " He looks at me so shocked, turns around, walks to his car, gets in and leaves. *laughs* I guess he figured it wasn't worth it to mess with a very angry mom.
  
   
• 17.  I had just moved to Utah from another state. The population of this area had increased greatly causing traffic to be a problem. I was so frustrated with the lack of left turn signals at every intersection. It seemed that the only way to turn left was on a yellow light. I was waiting to turn left, the intersection was pretty far apart, so I poised my foot to hit the gas as so as the light turned green. I turned left before the old lady on the other side had even stepped on the gas. A cop, out of now where pulled me over. He knew exactly what I was gonna try to do. He told me that I had made it safely across, but I did not have the right of way. I explained my frustration with the lack of turn signals in this area. He agreed and let me go.
  
   
• 18.  We were visiting my 88 year old grandmother in rural Mississippi. She insisted that she take us all out to eat at her favorite catfish place at Enid Dam. She also insisted that we drive in her car, a 15 year old tank of a thing that sat crooked on its frame from a time she used to drive about three years before. My husband and grandma were in the front with my 7 year old son who had colored his face with markers to look like Skeletor. I sat in the back with my daughter 5 and 2. As we were driving down an empty country road, a policeman going the other direction must have been relieved to see someone he could harass. He pulled us over. He asked my husband for his driver's license and did he know he was speeding. My husband said yes. the cops took a good look at each one of us in the car. My grandmother leaned over to look and him and said "We're gonna go have us some dam catfish." The cop gave my husband a "you poor SOB" look and told us to go on.
  
   
• 19.  I was going home during the afternoon and for no reason was speeding. I was doing about 80 in a 55 when a cop pulled me over. Before the cop could say anything, I said to him "I know I am speeding, my girlfriend is in labor at the hospital in Silsbee (about 30 miles away) and I want to be there before the baby is born. Its my first kid". The cop looked at me and said "Slow it down a little son, you want to get there alive" and wished me good luck. I took off. At the time I didn't have a girlfriend, much less a kid on the way. :)
  
   
• 20.  My friend, who at the time was a drunken 17 year old boy, was asked if he had been drinking by a police officer in a K-mart parking lot. My friend then pointed to a building across the street and said, "I think you should go talk to the owners of that house they have alcohol all over in there, you shouldn't worry about me when they have enough drinks to get the whole town drunk." "Well their situation is a little different," replied the officer. Then my friend went off about equality and asked, "why?".... "Well son, that over there is a liquor store." (My obviously drunk teenage friend didn't get so much as a warning!)
  
   
• 21.  My ex was a police officer and said that this excuse is the most effective because it's believable and any officer can relate: When you get pulled over and the officer comes up to the driver's window, look at them with desperation in your face and say, "I'm sorry. I know I was speeding but I have to go to the bathroom sooooo badly that I'm about to explode!" You could also add, "Do you know of a restroom really close by that I can get to in the next 60 seconds?"
  
   
• 22.  This actually happened to me. I had stopped to help a lady who had a wreck right in front of me as she fell asleep at the wheel with two small children in the car. She veered off the road sharply and hit a rock wall. I pulled over and called for the police on my cell phone. After the State Trooper finished filing the report and the women's husband had come to pick her and the children up, the friendly, overweight officer walked with me back to my car. As I got in, he glanced at my dash and back at me and gestured to my radar detector, which is greatly frowned upon in the great state of Alabama... and said "What's that?" Thinking very quickly and not missing a beat, I looked him straight in the eye and replied..."Why Jerry, I'm surprised, I would have thought in your line of business you would have know what a radar detector looked like..." He shook his head and said "You know the only reason people have those things is to break the law!" I blinked and looked up at him so innocent like and said "Break the law? What are you talking about? This radar detector has saved my life! When I get real hungry I drive around, when the radar detector goes off, it means I've found a grocery store! It keeps me from going hungry." I've never seen such a belly laugh in my whole life, but it made his day and I got a gold star he said for originality!"
  
   
• 23.  I actually was told this when I stopped a soldier in the Army while I was working Traffic as a MP. He was driving 45 miles per hr. in a 25 KM Zone and his headlights were off. At 3 AM. in the Military Housing area. He said " I was running out of gas and was afraid I would get in a accident without lights. I meant to get them fixed last week and I wanted to get to the Barracks before you did and I am late for bed." ( At the time we had a 12 Midnight curfew and you had to be in bed! )
  
   
• 24.  My sister was driving about 10 P.M. one night and was stopped for speeding 50 in a 35. She told the officer "Hurry up and give me the ticket! My baby messed her diaper and I ran out, so I'm on my way to the store to get some more." The officer standing close to the drivers window bent down to look inside at the baby and a strong smell came from the back seat where the baby was. He stood up and apologized for stopping my sister on such an important mission and let her go.
  
   
• 25.  This accident happened to a friend of mine several years ago, the excuse was told to me by the insurance adjuster: The two cars sideswiped each other on a country road. Story given - One did the swerve at the other, just to say "hi", well either great minds think alike or fools never differ! My friend did the same thing. The adjuster thought it was hilarious, the 2 guys were so embarrassed!
  
   
• 26.  We were speeding down the highway past a little truck stop town when a highway patrolman stopped us for speeding. He casually walked up to the window, shined a flashlight in our eyes and asked if we knew we were going 20 miles over the speed limit. My dad replied that he had just gotten new tires and didn't realize that he was speeding because it was so smooth. The patrol man let him off with a warning!
  
   
• 27.  A cop I know told me he stopped a guy for speeding one night, in the middle of the night, and the guy told him he was hurrying to get home because he was too drunk to be driving. My friend was so bemused by that excuse, that he took the guy home and didn't give him a ticket.
  
   
• 28.  My wife, an attorney, used to represent city and county governments in rural areas, which often meant defending cops and deputies who'd been accused of misbehavior. When stopped for speeding on the highway (as she often was), she'd say she was late for a hearing for some officer she was defending, two counties away. It usually (but not always) worked. 
  
   
• 29.  Leaving late for work one morning, I grabbed what I thought was everything and left. While driving on the interstate, I was in the middle of the pack and pushing the peddle to the floor to keep up with the pace. I saw the squad, slowed down, but kept an eye on the rear view mirror. The squad pulled out and the cars behind me switched lanes. I did the same. Now the squad is behind me so I pulled over to the far right lane and again he moved behind me. He put his lights on so I pulled over. After sitting in his car a few minutes, he approached my car asking me if I knew how fast I was going. Before I could answer, he stated he clocked me on radar at 88 in a 55. Not giving me a chance to comment, he asked for my drivers license. I had to get out of the car because I through my purse in the backseat. I looked under my coat and - no purse! The next question was proof of insurance and state registration, all of which was in my wallet in my purse which I left at home. Two more squad cars pulled up as I located an expired insurance card in the glove box. I was then asked to sit in the squad car while they did their check. They said that the car was not in the same name as the insurance card. I explained that I put the title in my daughter's name because I was going through a divorce when I bought the car. They also said that my name was not in the system for having a valid drivers license. I told them that I didn't change my name on the license after the divorce because my license was due to expire in a couple of months. He issued me 3 tickets; one for no license, one for not having proof of insurance and a warning ticket for doing "5" (five) miles over the limit but only because I had a clean record. Phew! I thanked him graciously. He then asked me how I liked my '96 Camero, said it was a "hot" looking car and asked about the performance etc. In conclusion, he signaled me out of the pack because of it being a sports car and maybe he had one that showed up on the "hot sheet". It cost me nothing in court - just had to show proof that I had a license and insurance. Lucky me! 
  
   
• 30.  A woman hit a pole between the drive thru lanes at the bank where I work. She was furious and complained that if the pole wasn't there she wouldn't have hit it.
  
   
• 31.  After graduating from Nursing school a friend and I went out for the evening and drank a little too much. My friend wanted to go to burger king to eat. When getting up to the drive through she told me to push the car ahead of us out of the way because they were taking too long. It was her car so I did it. Needless to say they called the cops. Before they could get there I told my friend to get in the back seat. When the cop got there I was still at the speaker to the drive through so she had to come up to my passenger side window. Asking me what happened I told her the story about graduating and that my friend was very drunk and hungry. When we got to the drive through she reached over and pressed the gas pedal and that I then made her sit in the back seat. I got away with it and was told to feed her and get her home.
  
   
• 32.  Sorry, Officer, I know I was speeding. But I was trying to catch up to that red Ford (or whatever automobile that was a reasonable distance ahead of you) to tell him that his turn signals were not working!
  
   
• 33.  Sorry, Officer, I know I was speeding, but I was trying to get to the gas station in a hurry before I ran out of gas!
  
   
• 34.  A couple of years ago in South Africa we attended a party one Saturday night. I had a couple of drinks behind my back when a friend came running to me with my youngest son of 4 years in his arms. The youngster was found downing a lot of Southern Comfort. My wife and I had to rush him to hospital to get his tummy pumped. As I sped to hospital I drove into a Police road block where they tested for "drunk driving". I knew I was in trouble and didn't even bother to explain. I blew into their apparatus and it proved me legally drunk. I told the policeman that I didn't drink and that his apparatus is faulty. He gave me another apparatus to blow in and I told my youngest to blow in the pipe. He also registered as being legally drunk. The policeman couldn't believe his eyes and let us go without further questions.
  
   
• 35.  This really happened, about a year ago, I was coming home from school on a Saturday. Speeding through town, going 45mp through a 25mp zone. The state patroller asked why I was speeding, and I told him that I was two months pregnant, and trying to make to McDonalds down the street because I was sick. And he let me go.
  
   
• 36.  "Do you know you were doing 50 in a 25 mile an hour zone?" "Well, yes, officer, but I just need to go to the grocery store; I won't be out more than half an hour."
  
   
• 37.  I had to drive 45miles every day to work. I was doing 85 in a 55 area. I told him the truth. I was speeding cause my mom got home late to baby-sit my child so I could go to work and I was suppose to be there early cause I was bringing the meat to the work's potluck dinner 45 miles away. He said, " that's pathetic. I'm gonna let you go cause that's got to be the most honest excuse I've ever heard. Pathetic but honest."
  
   
• 38.  Well, This happened to me about a year ago. I was coming home from a party the night after my graduation party and I was trashed. I was speeding {and I mean SPEEDING} down a Howell NJ back road when I was pulled over by a State Trooper, of all people. He pulled me over and asked me for my license, registration and Proof of insurance. So I gave 'em to him, barely. He asked me to put my feet together, close my eyes and put my arms out to my sides {you know the drill}. Well, I did that with ease because I was practicing all night at the party. The he asked me to recite the Alphabet backwards. All I did was turn to him and say "Man, I am so drunk, I wouldn't be able to recite it forwards if you asked........" The funny thing was, he laughed it off and just gave me a ride home without giving me a ticket!! The only problem was, when he got to my house and knocked on the door, my parents where standing there and said they didn't know me!! Do you have any idea how much that sucks?? Well, he brought me to the station and I had to spend the night in jail. I had to get my best friend's mom to come get me!! And when I got home, man-o-man did my parents use their creative side to punish me. But I don't blame them, I was only 17!!
  
   
• 39.  State troopers in Indiana are NOT known for being gracious when pulling over speeders on the interstate. I had just got married the day before, and we were head to the airport in Louisville KY on I64 (speed limit of 65) from Evansville IN. We discovered (in horror) as we left for Louisville that they were one hour ahead of us in their time zone. Needless to say we were not going to make it if we were doing the posted limit. I was cruising about 80 when I passed an unmarked, who immediately gave chase. He came to the window (after screwing on his trooper hat) with the usual "License and registration, sir". As I gave them to him, I told him this: "Officer, I don't know if it would make a difference to you, but we just got married, we were behind time because of the airport difference in time zones, that our plane was leaving very soon for our honeymoon in Miami." I looked appropriately guilty, and he just looked at me and said "I'll be right back, sir" as he went to his car with his tickets. I figured we were busted, when he came back to my window and handed me my stuff and said "Congratulations, enjoy your honeymoon, and try and slow it down to a safe level" Wow! We made it and had a great time.
  
   
• 40.  I'm a police officer in Detroit, Mi. Several years ago I stopped a car for going the wrong way on a one way street. After talking to the driver who was obviously intoxicated I asked him if he saw the arrows, He said I didn't even see the Indians...he walked home on a cold night...and I had a good laugh. 
  
   
• 41.  Got this excuse from a highway cop almost twenty years ago, and I have NEVER received a speeding ticket since then. When stopped and asked if I know how fast I was going, I answer straightforwardly that when I saw his light, I looked down and saw that I was going 68 MPH in a 60 MPH zone. With that said, I look them in the eye and say that I know they HAVE to give me a ticket. I think what happens in their mind is, "This guy is not going to tell me what I HAVE to do." The end result is, I always get a verbal warning to "Hold it down." I'm probably stupid to pass this on , but what the hell, since I've retired, I'm very seldom in a big hurry anymore.
  
   
• 42.  This is absolutely true! My husband and I were driving through Maryland and he got pulled over for speeding. He told the officer it was because he had to pee really bad. He asked the police man to let him pull into the gas station to go pee while he wrote the ticket. The officer said yes but when we drove over to the station the officer just drove off!
  
   
• 43.  I have a very pretty blonde friend whose given name is Athena. She was stopped late one evening by a Texas State Trooper (these guys are BIG). He actually used the line, "Ok lady, where's the fire?" The reply that got her out of the ticket? "Oh Officer, in your eyes!" He walked away smiling and chuckling.
  
   
• 44.  My daughter was recently driving to her home in Saskatchewan and after driving behind a long line of traffic for a lengthy period of time decided to pass them. She finally got past the line after getting her speed up to about 140 k.p.h. Just as she got by the line a police car meeting her put on his lights and pulled her over. He asked her if she knew what he was stopping her for and she said "No, not really". He said well for one thing you don't have a front license plate to which she responded. Well, I thought I was going fast enough that you wouldn't notice. He didn't really see the humor in it and gave her a speeding ticket but overlooked the license plate.
  
   
• 45.  This actually happened: I once got pulled over by the police because I was going to fast. When the cop approach my window, I showed him my shoes and explained to him that they were platform shoes and were very heavy and it was because of the them that I was going fast because the shoes were pulling my foot down. Well he let me off with a smile and a warning.
  
   
• 46.  I was driving home one hot and humid afternoon after working a midnight shift, then spending another 8 hours hiking, when I ended up behind an elderly woman in an ancient car with bad exhaust system.. doing 25 mph in a 45 mph zone on a road with very few passing zones. After a while I got sick of sucking fumes.. so I just went and passed her in a no passing zone. As I'm pulled back into lane in front of her, I looked in my mirror and saw a State Trooper behind me.. Of course he flipped on his lights and pulled me over... and the first thing I said to him, before he had a chance to say anything to me.. was. "I'm sorry Officer, I never would have done that if I had seen you were behind me". He gave me one of those "I can't believe you just said that" looks, and sent me on my way.
  
   
• 47.  I keep a hubcap on the passenger seat of my van. If I get stopped, I tell the officer that it came off a car in front of me. Being a good Samaritan, I stopped to pick it up and was trying to catch back up with him to return it!
  
   
• 48.  When I was dating my husband, he lived in a town that was about 1 1/2 hours from where I live. I left his place an hour before I had to pick up my kids from their dad's, so I was trying to make up for lost time. My speedometer was broken, so I didn't know how fast I was going as I reached the top of the hill outside of town. And I also realized that there was a Sheriff in the line of cars coming the other way. oops, I slowed as quick as I could without being obvious, but he turned around and put his light on. When he came to the window and asked if I knew why he pulled me over, I decided to try honesty, and told him I was speeding. He asked how fast I was going, and I told him I didn't know, my speedometer was broke and I hadn't had a chance to set my cruise control with the timer and mile markers. I further added that I was probably going pretty fast because I have a bit of a lead foot. (on top of this my license and insurance were in the trunk, so I had to get out to give him the info. AND I had just graduated from the law enforcement program at the local college and had sent in an application the week before to the sheriff's department.) Well, after running my ID, he came back and told me that I was going 82 in a 55 zone, and the ticket for that was $144, but since I had a clean record, he would let me go with a warning, then he told me I needed to set the cruise control a little sooner. (I never did hear back on the job)
  
   
• 49.  My ex husband and his brother had been out drinking, and were pulled over at the end of our block. The ex passed the field sobriety tests, and was about to be sent on his way, until his brother looked at the cop and said "I told him he shouldn't be driving" Well, needless to say, they decided to give him a ride to jail instead of letting him walk the 3 houses to get home. This same brother went to school and had a job as a drug and alcohol counselor, and couldn't understand why he got fired for getting a DUI since it happened while it was on his own time.
  
   
• 50.  I was driving home from high school one day in late November doing 55 in a 25. My friend and I had just gotten done chopping down a Christmas for our school. Needless to say, we were pulled over in a flash. When the officer asked why I was speeding so fast, I told him that we had just fire-proofed this Christmas tree for our school and that the fumes made my friend very sick and I didn't want him to throw up in my car, not to mention we were only a block from his house. Well, I got out of the ticket and instead got fireproofing instructions from the cop!
  
   
• 51.  I was 16 years old and only driving a few months. I was driving down a 35 mph street at 60 mph at night. I never seen the police officer until he was behind me , so it was a shock when I seen blue lights. Any way I pulled over and just by a reaction turned the dash lights only off on my car before the officer got to the window. When he finally arrived and asked me did I know that I was speeding , I convincingly pointed to my dash and explained I couldn't see my mph needle because the lights where out and I was too fresh of a driver to judge speed yet. At that he said he understood and gave me a verbal warning. At that he left I turned my lights back on and went home.
  
   
• 52.  I was 8 months pregnant and had my other 2 kids in the back seat of the car fighting. A policeman pulled me over for an expired tag. I told him to just take me to jail, I needed the rest. He said to get a new tag and have a good day. I guess he realized I meant it.
  
   
• 53.  When I was 16, on a dare from my best friend, I drove to the mall and back in my birthday suit. Well, not exactly back . . . you see, on the way home I guess I was a little nervous and inadvertently ended up going 20 MPH over the posted speed limit. When I saw the flashing lights in my rear view mirror (no pun intended) I panicked and started to go even faster. When I realized that I was toast I pulled over to the side of the road, covering my manhood with an old newspaper I found laying on the floor. As the officer approached my window (NO GETTING OUT OF THE CAR FOR ME!), I had a real brainstorm. "Officer" I said in a cracking, teenage voice, "I was just robbed at gunpoint and the guy took my wallet, my watch and all my clothes. I was speeding to get to the nearest police precinct when all of sudden I realized that, dah, you ARE the police -- so I gladly pulled over". When the officer asked me why the robber wanted my clothes I responded, "Because they were his size I guess," and then I smiled weakly. Unbelievably, the officer didn't give me a ticket but he insisted on escorting me all the way home so that he could relay the entire story to my parents. When my best friend saw me and the police officer pull into my driveway, he turned completely white. Well, guess that made two of us that had no blood in our bodies that day.
  
   
• 54.  This a good for one the females. Whenever you are pulled over for a traffic violation, just tell the officer ( hopefully he is a male ) and tell him that you're on you period and that you messed up all over yourself, that's why you are in such a hurry, speeding, running lights, etc. My experience has been, they usually let you go right away!
  
   
• 55.  A woman friend I knew in college had just broken up with her boyfriend, was upset...angry and crying...and driving over 50 mph in a 25 mph zone. She was pulled over by a young policeman. As he walked up to her car, she leaned over the wheel, thinking quickly. He said, "what's the hurry?", looking at her tear-streaked face. She moaned: "I'm bleeding! I think I'm miscarrying! The emergency room doctor said to get there as fast as I can! Follow me, quick!" And she drove away. He let her go.
  
   
• 56.  I have asthma, so I always make sure I have an empty inhaler stored in my glove box. That way when I get pulled over, I can make myself wheeze and explain to the police officer that the reason I was speeding, is because I needed to get to the drug store to get a refill!
  
   
• 57.  One day I was driving with my kids in the back seat, going 70 in a 55 mph zone. I always warned my kids to warn me if they see any men in funny cars and funny suits. We called them bad men. That day we got pulled over and the officer came to my window. Just then my little girl spoke, "Is that the BAD man we're supposed to look for?" The officer was laughing so hard, he decided to let us go.
  
   
• 58.  This was told to me by a high school friend who was riding with his somewhat older (50 ish) aunt at the time. They got pulled over for speeding by a Texas State Trooper. My friend was on the passenger side in front. His aunt rolled down the window as the officer approached. The officer bent down slightly, looked into the car and said, "Are you aware that you were speeding?" She replied, "Oh, thank you, Officer" and...drove away! My friend immediately spun around and watched the officer, who was still standing there bent over watching them drive away. He said the officer slowly straightened up, shook his head and walked back to his car. They continued on to their destination without incident.
  
   
• 59.  If your riding in a vehicle with 2 people or more this is the only way this will work. Keep an ace bandage in your glove compartment. As soon as you see the boys in the rear view slap the ace bandage on your front seat passengers wrist , and have him or her make the stupidest face and hold their wrist tightly when the officer comes up, tell him you were rushing to the hospital, your friend thinks that something may be broken. It  got slammed in the door.
  
   
• 60.  My Boyfriend had his truck in the shop for quite some time for it to get fixed. He didn't renew the tags on it when it was do because it was still in the shop. He eventually got it back. Planned on taking it the DMV in the morning to get the tags. Well the night before he got the tags he drove his truck from his house to mine. On his way back home he was pulled over. Keep in mind my boyfriend drives a old 1986 piece of crap Toyota. The officer said, is this your rig? Jason said yes, and the officer asked about his tags and Jason explained the situation. Jason only being 17 at the time I don't think the officer really believed him. For some reason Jason told him he was captain of the football team, a senior in high school waiting to go to college and to get his degree in Criminal Justice. Then Jason went on for a few more minutes on how he wanted to be a police officer just like him. So, the officer just looked flattered and let him go.
  
   
• 61.  A tourist from the East Coast was vacationing in Colorado and was stopped for speeding. When asked if she was aware that she was speeding she replied that her speedometer must not be working properly at the much higher elevation in Colorado, than where she lived in New York where it always worked properly. She got a warning.
  
   
• 62.  I dated a guy that was an alcoholic. He was driving home from a bar one night drunk (and probably high as well). He missed his exit, but didn't realize it because he was so messed up. He must have passed out at one point, and his car crossed over the grassy median. He wakes up on the other side, but still thinks he is on the right side of the highway. A trucker radios in that there is some lunatic driving south on the north bound lane. The cop pulls him over, and says "Sir, do you know you are driving down the interstate the wrong way?" He says "How do you know? You don't know where I live!" Needless to say, he spent the night in jail.
  
   
• 63.  I went out to the clubs on a Saturday night with my girlfriends, being the only on that had pockets I held one of the girls ID. Not realizing until the next Monday when I got pulled over on my way to work had I forgotten to return her license. As the officer approached the car I got out my wallet and flashed "my" license to the officer who looked at me un amused shook his head and said try again. It was my 5'2" black friends ID where as I was 5'8" blond hair blue eyed and white as a sheet. When I realized what he was shaking his head at I started laughing his mood lightened and he let me go.
  
   
• 64.  This really happened! My ex-mother-in-law got pulled over while we were on our way to visit my sister 100 miles away in another town. We didn't even try to make excuses to the cop, but she was grumbling about needing to get to the service station to pee, and I (at four months pregnant) had to open the car door and lean outside to be sick. He ended up letting us go with a warning since we were in such bad shape!
  
   
• 65.  I was going home one night from work at 3:00 am when I ran a red light. the police pulled me over about 100 feet from the light and asked for my license. I asked him what I did wrong and he stated that that I ran the light. I turned and looked at the light and said that it didn't work. We were looking at the light change when he said, "What do you mean the lights not working". I said, " I didn't stop did I". He looked at me, started laughing and gave me back my license and said every time I here a new story I let them go.
  
   
• 66.  A friend of a friend of mine from New Jersey was caught speeding (80 mph) through Georgia. A state trooper pulled him over. Noticing the NJ license plate on his car, the trooper said (with a thick Southern drawl) "Son, NOBODY goes through Georgia at 80 miles per hour." Without thinking, the smart ass replies "General Grant did." He spent the night in jail.
  
   
• 67.  This one's courtesy of my friends Aunt, it works every time. Keep a cup of water (or some liquid) in your car all the time. When you get pulled over for speeding, spill some water on your pants so it looks like you had an accident. Explain to the officer that you had to go to the bathroom REALLY bad, and now that he pulled you over you couldn't hold it any longer. The cop has to be pretty mean not to let you go then.. :)
  
   
• 68.  I was about 19 and getting ready to go on vacation, so I had to take my pet cat to be boarded. The cat hated to ride in the car and was crouched in the back floorboard and making an awful racket, but other than being annoying the cat was fine. Well, I have a lead foot and I was doing about 75mph in a 55mph zone, and I had the radio up to drown out the cat, so I didn't even see the trooper who was trying pull me over for a few miles. When I did stop, he came up to the car looking very angry. I put on my best upset looking face, but as it turned out I didn't even need to. When he approached the car (I had turned off the radio), he heard my cat and asked what was wrong with it. I told him the animal was very sick and I was rushing it to the vet. He told me to slow down and let me go!
  
   
• 69.  One time I was riding with a friend. A state officer had pulled us over, and my buddy, being the dumb kid he is, reached over to the glove box to throw some weed away. He had ran a stop sign, reckless driving, driving under the influence of a narcotic, and drug possession just to name a few of the offenses. He threw the pot under my seat and started to open the door. The cop pulled a gun on him and kicked his door closed and screamed at him to stay in the car. When she asked for license and registration, he told her he didn't have his insurance. When she asked what his insurance provider's name was, he said, "I think it is, like, Blue Cross." The cop almost fell over laughing and ended up letting us go.
  
   
• 70.  If you are female and get pulled over just tell the officer that it is that time of the month and your tampon is falling out and that you are running home to change it. It works every time for me.
  
   
• 71.  When getting stopped by cops, start wiggling legs real bad & tell the officer "if your going to write a ticket out, please do so very quickly as I'm headed toward the nearest gas station, where I can get to the ladies room." I did this once, & it worked!! He told me "get going" but watch it, another cop 2 miles up the road right before the gas station too." (There was one too!)
  
   
• 72.  If a police officer stops you for speeding, try this excuse. Officer, I have the flu & have been sick at both ends and am trying to make it home before I get sick again. It works.
  
   
• 73.  In 1976, I was 19 yrs old, and returning to Charleston SC where I was stationed in the Navy. It was around midnight, the highway was pretty desolate and I was cruising between 80 and 85 mph near Newberry SC when I was stopped by a State Trooper. When asked why I was speeding the only thing I could think of was "I was just trying to keep up with traffic". The Trooper Responded "Keeping up with traffic? Traffic is way the hell back there!" Needless to say he did not buy my excuse and issued a citation. 24 years later I find my self listening to the same and the above excuses as a member of the Wisconsin State Patrol.
  
   
• 74.  I was working for D.P.S. in Arizona when I pulled a truck over for going 75 mph in a 55 mph zone.. When I walked up to the truck the driver was revving the engine really loud. I could hardly hear myself talk.. He said that the only way his truck would drive without stalling is when it was kept at the speed between 65 and 75 mph.. Needless to say I told him to get his truck fixed and handed him a ticket...
  
   
• 75.  I was on patrol as a deputy sheriff in a west Texas county one afternoon when I clocked a guy in a pickup doing 80 mph in a 55 mph zone. I pulled him over and approached the driver and asked if there was an emergency or reason he was speeding. He said that he guessed he was just trying to keep his ears warm. I must have looked puzzled, because he then explained that the only reason he could think of was that he must have had his head up his butt. I just walked away laughing, got in my patrol car and drove away.
  
   
• 76.  Believe it or not this is true. I was taking care of a teenager and he was about 3 hours late coming home when asked why, he said he had been hit by a car. Well he looked okay to me and had spent the last 2 months of living with me giving me bogus excuses for being late. So I did not believe him. About an hour later a police man knocked on my door to find out if this boy was okay. Apparently he had really been hit by a car and refused to go to the hospital. While the police where trying to reach me, the boy ran off. Boy did I feel like a fool when we got him to the hospital and he had to have stitches in his back. And he said to me in front of the doctor: "Am I really grounded for being late". 
  
   
• 77.  My boyfriend and I were coming home very late one night and he was speeding (imagine that!!). Well of course a trooper pulled us over and asked him why he was going so fast. Without missing a beat my boyfriend told the trooper that we were trying to have a baby and I was ovulating, and asked him if he could hurry. Well the trooper just laughed and told us to have a good time and sent us on our way!!!
  
   
• 78.  I got pulled over once for driving a little on the not-so-sober side. The cop leaned down to my window and said, "Your eyes are a little glossy, have you been drinking?" To which I replied, "Your eyes look a little glazed, have you been eating donuts?" The officer, to my surprise, Laughed at that and let me go on my merry way. He did give a warning not to ever say that to any other cop if that happens again because they might not take it as well as he did. My girlfriends and I just drove off laughing our asses off! That was a fun night.
  
   
• 79.  While attending college in Knoxville, TN, I spent a weekend in Atlanta, GA visiting a friend. I had to be back by Sunday at 8:00 pm for work. On Sunday afternoon, we were laying out by the pool (in bikinis of course) and I feel asleep. I woke up and realized I had just EXACTLY enough to drive home...if I left immediately. I jumped in my car, still in the bathing suit, and started my drive home. About halfway home, in a county known for its speed traps, I got pulled over. The officer told me it was because I was going 60 mph in a 55 mph zone. Amazingly, he made me get out of the car and stand by the side of the road and lecture me for about 10 minutes. Then he let me go. 10 to 1, the only reason I got pulled over was that I was still wearing that damn suit. I did make it to work on time though.
  
   
• 80.  When I was 18 years old I worked as an escort for a singing telegram service. Primarily, I was responsible for delivering the performers to the shows on time. One day, while running late for an act, we were pulled over for speeding. We explained to the officer our situation (which was we would not get paid if we were late) and pleaded with him for understanding. The officer looked right at me a said, "I understand your dilemma and can appreciate your situation. With that in mind, I will write this ticket as quickly as I can." He smiled and sent us on our way in no more than five minutes, with an $80 fine in hand.
  
   
• 81.  Late one night I was drunk and driving home and a police officer stopped me for speeding and running a red light. Once stopped he asked me what was I doing speeding through the light. I explained that I was glad to see him and that I was to drunk to realize that I was almost out of gas and when I reached this deserted road is when I realized it and decided I better get home, This isn't a time of night for a girl to run out of gas and be caught out by some pervert. He let me go!!
  
   
• 82.  Ok I don't know if this will work in the USA, but it is one I have had success with in the UK. After advice from a policeman friend. When stopped for whatever reason, normally speeding, immediately get out the car. (this is so that the Police can't prove you weren't wearing your seat belt, an offence over here). Then act like the most hen pecked man that you can, apologize for everything, from the clothes you are wearing, to the state of your car. By this time the Police are so fed up of you that they tell you to be on your way. This should work 90% of the time. To make it work 100% of the time start your sentence with the following "I'm ssssssssssorry offfffffficer but I didn't realize I was sssssssspeeding." By the time you have got that out the cops will be so fed up with your stuttering that they won't wont to ask you any further questions. Good luck and happy ticket avoiding!
  
   
• 83.  My friend and I were driving back from Philadelphia on the toll pike. We missed our exit and there is no way do a U-turn and the next exit was around 20 miles away. We came to an area where there is space to do a u-turn to get on the there side of the highway and she pulled over to give it a try. A police officer came up behind her and flashed his lights. I don't know where he came from. My friend gave a huge sigh of relief that he was there and stuck her head out the window and asked "Can you help us!" and asked how we get back to Kutztown (where we were going). He said that we could do a u-turn at the next exit which was 6 miles away thru the tunnel. She just looked kind of confused and asked could we do a U-turn where we were. He said wait until he leaves and do it and that's what we did.
  
   
• 84.  An Elderly Gentleman driving in the wrong direction on a one way street was stopped by A Police Officer. The Officer exclaimed, Sir do you realize you're on a one way street? To which the Elderly Gentleman replied, I sure do Officer and I'm only going one way.
  
   
• 85.  True story: While hitchhiking in Arizona 2 longhairs got picked up by a carload of a.w.o.l. Marines. Pulled over in Kingman AZ by the local sheriff we longhairs were in the back and the Marines in front. These guys were totally panicked and clueless. The driver said to one of his buddies "Quick! gimme your driver's license!" and tried to pass it off as his own. One minor problem-the driver was white and his buddy was black! Then it got even better. The Man gave us all the once-over and then asked the boys up front "Are you fellas in the military?", to which they bellowed (all together now) "NO SIR! ON VACATION, SIR!" The sheriff let us go but the poor jarheads ended up in the can. Oh yeah, the car was stolen, to boot.
  
   
• 86.  I have a friend that I was with and he had had quite a bit to drink. When the cop pulled him over for speeding he quickly took a bottle of Evian and poured it on his pants. When the officer came over he told him to go off the road to relieve himself. He didn't get a ticket.
  
   
• 87.  This happened to me last year on Christmas day. I tend to have a heavy foot while driving and never really go much slower than 150kmh, anyway I decided to drive really fast so before I started my car I removed my license plates and placed them in the boot so that any camera wouldn't be able to pick me up. So I'm driving to my girlfriends house doing just over 240kmh when I come over this hill and pass a traffic cop, as I pass him the lights go on and I come to the stop. I got out the car and he asked me where my license plates were, I responded honestly saying they were in the boot and told him I placed them there the night before when coming home from my girlfriend so I wouldn't get caught on camera. He responded by saying that I should place the plates back on the car and enjoy Christmas. Needless to say I did this and soon passed him on the highway again doing over 160kmh, he did nothing.
  
   
• 88.  This is a true story... March '00 I am coming home from work... From a FAR distance back I notice a CHP with his lights on.... I slowed down obviously not enough.. he was pulling me over.. The first thing he says to me "Hey blondie are you in a hurry? I guess your license plate frame sums it up because you do drive like shit.. (my license plate frame reads "yeah I know I drive like SHIT") I laughed and kind of blurted out yeah wanna know what my email address is? He laughed and said "humor me, it might be your lucky day".. I said "CHPwontCatchMe". He couldn't get the words out "slow down have a nice day" he was laughing to hard... Guess it was my lucky day.. By the way he sent me email that night... Who says blondes don't have more fun.. 
  
   
• 89.  While working Midnight Shift one night, I stopped a guy for being suspicious. When I asked to pat him down, which is procedure, he said sure. Well I patted him down and I gave him the chop, a butt-crack pat down, I felt something long and hard. When I reached in and grabbed the object, I found it to be a crack pipe. When I showed it to him, he said it wasn't his. He was arrested for a possession of drug paraphernalia.
  
   
• 90.  This one takes a little dog training. We had a dog that was trained to bark with a hand signal (a closed fist raised vertically). When we would be being pulled over, we would roll the windows up all the way. When the officer approached the driver side we would roll the window down just a crack. We'd explain to the officer (thru the crack) that the dog was really a nice dog just a little possessive of his car. Then we would say "Easy Zeus" and raise a closed fist. Of course, at that point Zeus would let loose with a bark. This was usually enough to put the officer on his way with only a warning to us. In stubborn cases, we would add something like, "Please Zeus, be a good boy" (fist raised).. "I guess he's just not used to someone in a uniform". Sometimes the officer would add something like, "no need to have the window cracked, please put it up all the way, I'm just warning you this time. Take it easy.."
  
   
• 91.  I was living on top of a mountain about 5 miles outside of Hanover, NH, and rehearsing for a play. I would come home from rehearsal at around midnight or 1 the morning, and since there was never anyone on the little winding road going back up the mountain, I would have a little contest with myself to beat my best time going back. One night I was zipping along and I saw the dreaded lights flash in my rear mirror. I pulled over and awaited my fate. I had never met the patrolman before, but he knew my name and habits. He said, "Better drive a little slower tonight, Ms. L__. We had a bit of a thaw today and the roads have iced over tonight." The advantages of a small-town, where the police are really trying to protect you!
  
   
• 92.  I have a bit of a rep for driving fast. My son calls me Mama Mazzaratti. This time I was certainly living up to the name. I was driving three friends from work to another friend’s anniversary party, and we were late, so I had the pedal to the floor. I figured we were pretty safe, because there was a BMW just ahead of me that was going as fast as I was. But a motorcycle cop pulled us BOTH over. He pulled me over first and then got the car ahead of me. Sigh. He walked over and asked for my driver’s license and registration. I gave him the driver’s license but panicked when I couldn’t find the registration in the glove compartment. Finally I remembered that I had put it in my purse, and I fished around in my purse until I found the slip of paper with the seal of the state of California on it, and gave it to the officer. He looked at the registration, and he looked at me. Then he said, "Lady, I’ve been bribed before, but never like this!" It was my income tax refund from the California, and it was for a substantial 4 figure amount. I stammered. The friends in the back were howling with laughter. He let me off on the bribery charge but I did get the speeding ticket.
  
   
• 93.  My daughter, M___, was taking driver’s training in high school, and it came time for her first actual driving lesson. She was in front with the instructor, and two other classmates were in back waiting for their turn. She was very excited and very nervous, so she was driving VERY slowly (like 5 miles an hour), slowing and speeding jumpily, and weaving a bit as she over-corrected the steering. A police car came from behind, didn’t notice the special driver training plates, and clearly thought M___ must be drunk the way she was driving. He flashed his lights and ran his siren, but M___, fully concentrating on what she was doing, ignored him until the instructor, who clearly thought this was a good opportunity for an object lesson, said, "M___, aren’t you going to pull over?" M_ squealed with surprise and said, "You mean ME?!", and whipped the steering wheel over so hard that one wheel climbed up on the curb. The officer sauntered over to M___’s window. M___ meanwhile was slumped over the steering wheel in despair and her two classmates were in the back, snickering. The officer put his hand on the half-opened window (driver’s ed was teaching the kids that they should always have something opened to avoid carbon monoxide poisoning, I guess), and said, "Ma’am, will you open the window?" M___ rushed to comply, but was so flustered that instead of rolling the window down, she rolled it up, trapping the officer’s hand. By that time the snickers in the back were turning into guffaws. M___, mortified, finally got the window rolled down. The officer asked for her driver’s license. M___ threw up her hands and somewhat hysterically said, "I don’t HAVE one!" At this point the driver’s ed teacher came to M___’s rescue and pointed out the driver’s ed license plates on the car. The officer let them all go with a warning. For the rest of that year kids would put up signs all over school whenever M___ had a driving lesson, warning people to stay off the street.
  
   
• 94.  One day I was driving to school and I was late for classes. I was pulled over by a Policeman that obviously worked graveyard and said to me. "I've been waiting for you all day." To wit I replied. "I got here as fast as I could Officer!" He tried not to laugh or smile but he couldn't hold it and burst out laughing. He told me to get out of here and slow it down kid.
  
   
• 95.  You know those cameras on the light poles that catch people when they run red lights and they get a picture of your license plates? Well, my friend got the picture of his plates in the mail and a fine of twenty dollars. He sent in a picture of twenty dollars. They sent a picture back of handcuffs!
  
   
• 96.  These are true, I was a Sheriff and these are some of the excuses I heard. I actually wrote very few, about 1-2 a week, but when they came up with really lame excuses, I just had to. 
  
  People who got the ticket: 
  
  Guy on a motorcycle doing 110mph at 1 in the morning....  "I was cold so I wanted to get home fast" 
  
  Old lady doing 88 in a 25 zone.... "I was checking to see if my muffler was leaking" 
  
  Vietnamese woman doing 45 in a 25 school zone.... "No speaka English" 
  After receiving the ticket.... "You son of a *&^%$, you wrote me a ticket!" 
  
  People who did not get a ticket:
  
  I paced a guy going 90 mph for about 5 miles. When I noticed he had a radar detector on his dash (Yes, that's how close I was and he didn't look in his rearview mirror once!) I reached over and activated my radar. I saw his detector light up and he hit his brakes so hard he skidded into the ditch! I was laughing so hard that I couldn't write him, but I did call for a tow truck. He was a little embarrassed. 
  
  Guy doing 70 in a 35 zone:
  "I just won the lottery"  He really did, but he was heartbroken when I explained that the 
  lottery office was closed on Sundays! 
  
  But this guy was my favorite:
  
  I caught a guy in a Porsche Cabriolet doing 125mph in a 65 zone. I told him to explain why he was going so fast. He showed me the purchase papers for the car and said "I've waited my whole life to own this car. I bought it yesterday and have been driving it ever since. It was 4 in the morning, no one else was around, and I just wanted to really open it up once, to see what it would do." I handed him back his license and said "That makes perfect sense to me".
  
   
• 97.  My friend and I were coming back from McAllester, Oklahoma , and as usual she was speeding.  We were doing 76mph uphill when we met two Oklahoma Wildlife Officers.   Both of them pulled in behind us with their lights flashing.  While they walked up, I told her that she was going to be in trouble this time.  She smiled and said just watch.  When she rolled down her window, she yelled "I've got to pee very badly.  Where is a restroom." Both officers started to laugh and let her go with directions and a warning.
  
   
• 98.  My mom was telling me about a handicapped lady who drove to Dallas from Austin.  She was driving in the HOV Lane (carpool lane, 2 or more people in the car only) with only one person in the car.  A police man pulled her over and told her it was illegal for her to be driving in the HOV lane.  She said why isn't this lane for Handicapped Only Vehicles (HOV) the cop told her what the real meaning was and let her off.
  
   
• 99.  One afternoon several of my friends were headed to lunch and there was a car shortage, so we ended up cramming six people into a compact car.  My friend, who owned the car, was pulled over shortly after we left.  As the cop was walking up she turned to her younger brother and said, "You're pregnant."  Whether you believe it or not, it worked.
  
   
• 100.  I was driving my taxi in Fresno around 3 am on one of the foggiest days the Tule fog had thrown at us during that year's fog season.  I had just completed a gruesome long run and I wanted to get home for a quick break, so I jumped onto the freeway and put some speed into getting home.  There was only 1 other car on the road that I could see so I just drove hard and too fast.  I sped around the other car and the fog was so thick that I didn't see the badge on the side until I was right beside it.  The red and blues started flashing immediately.  When the cop reached my window he was pretty mad.  He couldn't believe that I had just blown his doors off despite the big letters across the trunk declaring himself to be a SHERIFF.  When he asked me what I thought I was doing, I told him that I thought that I was supposed to keep up with the flow of traffic. . . and I was just trying to see who the pace car was.  I walked on that one but just barely, with a severe warning that he better never see me pass him ever again unless he was parked somewhere!
  
   

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Madtbone