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No Sex Excuses

Well this new page is a special request from a visitor and it could be a good page for some and a bad page for others.  I guess it depends which person you are, the one looking for an excuse not to have sex or the person that is not going to get any because of the excuse.  Anyway I think that this might be a funny page depending on the excuses turned in.  So if you have any 'please no sex tonight excuses', please send them in.  I think that the lady that requested this page is desperately in need so please help here out.  Her request makes for good reading and I'll include it below.

Could you be so kind to start a new category of excuses for married women?  "No sex tonight."  I just can't think of any more, and maybe there are some more creative ones I can use.

  • 1.  Sorry dear but my lower back is still really bothering me and I don't think that I can perform very well tonight.

  • 2.  I'm tired, your small... goodnight.

  • 3.  Dear I am sorry we cant make love tonite because we just did it last week.

  • 4.  "Mikveh strike!!"

  • 5.  The guy I'm with now told me less than two weeks before we started sleeping together (we've been together for over a year) that he wouldn't sleep with me because the last time he got drunk God told him not to... that he should be "looking for love not lust".  Well, now love there is and lust there is and God gets the shaft :)

  • 6.  It's that time of the month dear, but let's go ahead anyway.

  • 7.  Sorry honey we can't have sex tonight I have my period.

  • 8.  I have a yeast infection.

  • 9.  My doctor said I shouldn't until I have the lumps removed.

  • 10.  Sorry honey, I hate having sex with you.

  • 11.  Well... OK! It's probably not contagious, anyway.

  • 12.  I'm psychically linked to my brother, if you do me you're do him too.

  • 13.  I'd rather shoot myself, thank you.

  • 14.  It's too late/early in the year for sex.

  • 15.  No. I don't care much for you physically.

  • 16.  Not again, we've done it already this year!!!!!

  • 17.  Why?  You forgot the diamond you promised me for my birthday last month.

  • 18.  You know your mother is asleep in the next room.

  • 19.  What do you mean you haven't never heard about crabs?????

  • 20.  Not now honey the dog is watchin!

  • 21.  I'm sorry dear my penis is still green from last night!

  • 22.  Not tonight dear,.... my jaw aches.

  • 23.  I can't have sex with you tonight because my feet smell.

  • 24.  I cant have sex because I think I may hurt your belly button.

  • 25.  If I agree to have sex with you I have to be on top because I am scared that you shall crush me!

  • 26. I forgot to take the pill, and if we have sex I might get pregnant.

  • 27.  Now that we are married, and I am part of the family... that would be incest.

  • 28.  Sorry Honey But its Illegal to have sex with a family member.

  • 29.  "Honey, I'm horney!" "No, shut up and go to sleep!!!"

  • 30.  I just pooped!

  • 31.  I've haven't fully recovered from doing it with your brother/sister earlier today.

  • 32.  Honey, my ass still hurts from last night's sex.

  • 33.  You refused to wash dishes tonight, that just pushes me away from you.

  • 34.  But you look so much like your sister!

  • 35.  Your ugly!

  • 36.  The planets are not alined right tonight!

  • 37.  I have not showered.

  • 38.  You have not showered.

  • 39.  But I will have sex with you, after I deal with my sleep fetish.

  • 40.  But I'm urging to stay a virgin.

  • 41.  I already got you a Birthday/Christmas/Anniversary present.

  • 42.  I masturbated twice today, sorry catch me tomorrow.

  • 43.  I lost a leg in 'nam.

  • 44.  I'm cut....;)

  • 45.  Football's on this Sunday, I got to get in the mindset.

  • 46.  Sorry honey, I'm not in the mood for fish tonight.

  • 47.  I saw Jesus and he told me that if we have sex tonite we shall be doomed forever.  Do you really want to put that kind of responsibility on me?

  • 48.  "You look like a truck!"

  • 49.  I respect you to much to make love to you.

  • 50.  I'm to drunk to do it.

  • 51.  Sorry not tonight dear!  The kids are still awake, and in the next room.

  • 52.  I have a serious migraine!

  • 53.  Not now ! My movie is on TV.

  • 54.  You just had 3 times .... that's enough for the week!

  • 55.  The best one I've personally been on the receiving end of, for not having sex was.  I can't I have a splinter in my thumb.

  • 56.  Sorry honey, My lover is so much bigger than you that I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to feel it!

  • 57.  I can't have sex with you because I think it causes your severe menstrual pain.

  • 58.  Sex is not my number one concern. 

  • 59.  People are starving and you want sex!!!!!

  • 60.  Not now, Honey, it's still light outside!

  • 61.  Sorry, the porno video is all screwed up, I told you we shouldn't have used it so much!!

  • 62.  Well, yesterday was fun, but I have no more batteries for the dildo.

  • 63.  I've decided that my sexuality was becoming a hindrance to my spiritual progress...   therefore I have decided to fore-go all sexual activity for... 6 months.  There is nothing they can say.... just Uh.... okay?

  • 64.  I don't like sex anymore.

  • 65.  You don't please me.

  • 66.  My friend girl said that's why my behind is getting bigger, so no more for a while.

  • 67.  God understands, why you don't need any tonight.

  • 68.  I have crabs!

  • 69.  This is not an excuse, more like a counter-measure.  My wife had refused me sex for about a month's time and I was creeping up the walls.  We were both around 25 and married for just a year.  There was nothing medically wrong with my wife, but she nevertheless had a million excuses.  I saw before me a lonely life with a lot of solo masturbation, despite having a wife.  When I finally couldn't take it anymore I threatened with this, and it worked:  "If it's such a God damn pain for you to lay on your back and play dead for 20 minutes, then I won't be the one to pressure you.  I will go out and find someone who WILL have sex with me instead!"  Later that same evening she finally gave me some.  I think that every guy in the  world should do the same if in the same situation.  And you must mean it.

  • 70.  I was fighting an asthma attack, and my hubby wanted some.  I told him, sorry honey, I can't breathe!

  • 71.  Sorry honey, sweetums may have a bad dream and walk in on us, then it really would be his worst nightmare!

  • 72.  Not today hunny you tore me up last night.

  • 73.  But it isn't Saturday!

  • 74.  We can't have sex because it hurts when I think about it.  Now go to SLEEP!

  • 75.  My Husband has not shaved for a week or almost a week and his face feels rough when he is cuddling me.

  • 76.  You can't make it up to me with sex because you forgot my birthday!

  • 77.  We Can't do it because my mom is coming over for dinner and I haven't even started THAT yet, and I will be to tired afterwards.

  • 78.  I can't have sex with you because I am already having sex with 12 other guys, so tata you are the weakest link.

  • 79.  Your too drunk, so I'm gonna pass out!!!!!!!!!!

  • 80.  "At that time I was all the things he said I was. I was fat, big.  I was not going to have a good time having a sexual relations [sic] with a man who thought that." [Testimony in divorce case: Norma Gerard v. Ronald Gerard, Sup. Ct., Richmond Co., Index No. 5610/2002, reported in New York Law Journal, 5 April 2004, p. 19, col. 1(Sup. Ct. Richmond Co.).].

  • 81.  I've got a headache. I've got one in my stomach too.

  • 82.  But we already had sex.  Why do you keep forgetting these things after having sex with me?  Maybe we should see a doctor tomorrow.

  • 83.  I donít want to do it because itís sin, since we are not yet married.

  • 84.  I corrected a girlfriend's misconception that 'sodomy' referred ONLY to anal penetration during sex between two gay men.  Actually, any time the equipment is misused, if Tab A is inserted anywhere but Slot A, it's sodomy.  If anything other than Tab A is inserted in Slot A, it's sodomy.  This would include oral sex.  She then refused to perform oral sex because it was against God's Law.  I pointed out that we were both atheists.  She refused because it was against the law.  I pointed out that we were not in a state that had such a law.  Then she refused because she was still hung up on the whole 'sodomy' thing, and felt that someone would think she was gay... ON the concern that someone could construe heterosexuals performing heterosexual as a sign of homosexuality, I broke up with her.

  • 85.  Below is an excuse for not having sex Sorry, my birthday suit is out for dry cleaning.

  • 86.  Sorry Hunny can't have sex right now because I just painted my toe nails and my finger nails.

  • 87.  I'm sorry but I ain't horny and trust me, you ain't helpin!!!

  • 88.  I was going to go to sleep when my boyfriend said "you know I'm feelin' a little horny" so I said "honey I want a baby" he just shut up and went to sleep .  Trust me it works!!! (unless he says he wants one to but that hardly ever happens) :)

  • 89.  Well I used sorry love my tampon got stuck up me last week and I'm still feeling uncomfortable and you will just make it worse.

  • 90.  I can't have sex because my mommy said that hugging leads to kissing, kissing leads to sex, sex leads to marriage, marriage leads to a baby and, babies lead to a family and I'm damn sure not ready for a family! are you?  And if you are then I want about 9 little juniors instead of just one.  Besides bigger is always better!!!

  • 91.  Good little angels like me don't have sex.

  • 92.  Not tonight Honey I just washed the sheets.

  • 93.  One night my ex-husband wanted to have sex, so I told him, "Well, hurry up.  I have to get some sleep so I can get up for work in the morning."  He turned his back to me.  I asked him what was the matter.  His reply was, "You sure no how to kill a hard-on."  It worked once but I never tried it again.

  • 94. Honey, I am so sleepy. Go find a hooker.

  • 95. When I don't want to, I tell him I have gas and its at his own risk.

  • 96. Linda and Kurt's first holiday together was a short visit to the city of Copenhagen. They arrived at the motel without pre-booking and where forced to rent out 2 singles for the first night, with the promise that they may move into a nice double room for the rest of the trip. To make such an arrangement possible, they had to vacate the rooms early in the morning, a fact which would immediately ring alarm bells for anyone that knew this extremely procrastinating (and very horny) couple. Well Kurt woke up with a "morning glory" after snaggling all night long on a single bed and Linda was not about to pass up starting the day with an orgasm - hence they decided vacating the room could wait 20 minutes. Apart from being extremely horny and procrastinating they are also a rather imaginative couple, especially when it comes to sex. They proceeded their early morning shag with one of their favorite but slightly immobilizing position Ė the backwards crab ! This was the exact position that the hotel cleaner found them in as he barged in, ready to clean the room ! He was surprised, but unfortunately he was pleasantly surprised as he did not leave ! Instead he starting yapping about how they where meant to vacate the room, whilst poor Kurt tried desperately to cover his girl friendís (rather large) breasts with one hand whilst furiously stretching to try close the door with the other - no mild task when you still have a naked girl arching over you in crab ! Moral of the Story : Always pre-book your motel ! Reprinted with the permission of  http://www.embarrassingstories.mzarb.com

  • 97. This one worked for me three years ago. (I'm still sleeping on the couch!!) "I'd rather have a dead rat in my mouth."

  • 98. Me and my boyfriend were lying in bed on night and he turned to me and said he was horny, and I said "Sex can wait, I wanna talk" and he turned over and turned off the light, and I said "Fine just roll over and deliberately hurt my feelings cause I wanna talk and not have sex for once!" and then I faked cryed into my pillow. Its great for when you wanna get out of sex, but it also makes your boyfriend/fiance'/husband feel bad while you give them this excuse so you can win 2 ways :)

  • 99. Here are months worth of No Sex ideas from my wife. For maximum celibacy rotate your favorites, or combine a few.

    1. I am on my period, I have cramps.

    2. I have green discharge.

    3. Pick an argument about money then say, "Not after the argument we had today."

    4. I have a headache.

    5. My hips hurt.

    6. I have a yeast infection.

    7. I have a urinary tract infection.

    8. My back hurts.

    9. I'm too tired.

    10. The kids are awake.

    11. I want to watch tv.

    12. Your hands are stained.

    13. It hurt / burned the last time. 1

    4. My boobs hurt, Don't touch me.

    15. I just changed the sheets.

    16. You make me feel guilty every time you ask.

    17. My legs hurt, feel restless, or have cramps.

    18. Double over and say, "I feel sick."

    19. Put the baby to sleep between you in bed and say, "He will wake up if I move him."

    20. I feel fat / ugly / depressed.

    21. My hormones are out of wack, can't orgasm, or no fluid.

    22. If it is close to Christmas time say, "How about next year."

    23. I have brown discharge.

    24. I just had a baby 2,3,6 or 8 months ago.

    25. You only want my body.

    26. Blow out the candles and turn off the music, and say, "you just expect me perform?"

    27. Big huff, then say, "Let's just get this over with."

    28. No, You will get "stuff" all over the bed.

    29. Put on Thelma & Louise, Sleeping with the Enemy, or War of the Roses and he will get the hint.

    30. We are out of lotion, KY-Jelly, message oil.

    31. But that lotion, KY-Jelly, message oil burns.

    32. Take sleeping pills before dinner, so as to be asleep by the time your head hits the pillow.

    33. Put on some heinous red old man long johns before going to bed.

    34. Throw away all your lingerie.

    36. If you get new lingerie, throw it on the ground and say, "You want me to look like a whore?"

    37. Use the romance / Sex / relationships book as a coaster, then throw it away once ruined.

    38. Always take a bath with the kids.

    39. Put on a kid movie and have the kids fall asleep in your bed.

  • 100. This is for those who have a pregnant wife: Sorry honey, we can't have sex tonight. My penis will poke the baby in the head and cause brain damage.

  • 101. My husband's no sex excuses are : not tonight honey, I've just had a full bag of cookies or not tonight honey, I've had too much pot.

  • 102. I just had sex with your best friend and I think I've fallen in love.

  • 103. My baby's father used this one on me last night... ALL 3! You should have called me earlier..... I don't feel like driving tonight I drove all week! (He lives an hour north of me) I'm enjoying being horny....

  • 104. I am sorry honey, but we can't have sex anymore, because you are starting to sound/look/ act like your mother/ father, and for us to have sex would just be way to creepy.

  • 105. Can't grans comin over to get my work clothes to wash and iron.

  • 106. Using Daylight Savings Time as an excuse for not doing well in bed: What do you expect, honey? The damn clocks sprung forward!

    107. Was promised different things for weeks. Final straw "bi-lateral leg cramps" Worst part, she came down two flights of stairs to tell me, then wanted a back rub, which I gave, then went back upstairs to bed.

    I win, top that one!

  • 108. The best excuse for not having sex is to act as though you're really really kinky, this works best if it's going to be the first time, just get out the furry hand cuff and maybe a riding crop and they'll back off, that or you can just cuff 'em to their bed and leave them! :)

  • 109. What do you mean, we haven't had sex for six months? I have sex with you several times every night. I thought you were just pretending to be asleep because you know it turns me on.

  • 110. I'm sorry but until I find my nose plugs, dark glasses, and pirate hat, you're not getting laid again.




Well friends this is all for now. I hope you enjoy this place and please go to the Submit Excuses page and send your excuses in!

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Last modified: 07/10/11