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The Mother of All Excuses Place


Miscellaneous Excuses

I'll post excuses here that don't fit in any of the other pages I have created so far.  I hope to make more pages that have excuses on them as soon as people suggest them or send them in.  If you have an excuse that will fit here or have a suggestion for a new page, please go to the Submit Excuses page and send them in.  Thank you for your support and attention to this web site.

  • 1.  Girl at McDonalds. Please excuse me for not filling your order. I must get the manager. You see, I can not find the picture of your hamburger on the register. (I teach school, and this is a true story. It happened to me at a McDonald's on Cities Service Hwy, Sulphur, LA)

  • 2.  Actually happened... I really wanted to pay for dinner but I just got back from London and I can only find 10 pound notes my wallet.

  • 3.  I am sorry I missed our appointment today. I was driving my daughter to day care when she opened an umbrella in the back seat, hitting me in the back of the head with it. This shocked me so much I drove off the road and hit a tree. I am now at the hospital and may be released by tomorrow morning."

  • 4.  I'm Sorry, I forgot! It works very well for all three of my kids!

  • 5.  Please excuse me for not being able to submit in excuse to your Excuse Page, every time I tried to submit it the server wouldn't respond so I gave up!

  • 6.  Today has been cancelled because of lack of interest!

  • 7.  I'm very sorry that I'm too late for the international business meeting, but when I was in the airplane to take of, the pilot of the plane fell down with a hernia! So they had to organize a new pilot to get us here. So it is not my fault!

  • 8.  I can't -- I have to stay home and rearrange my sock drawer.

  • 9.  At this time I am unable to process your order for the new CPU for your computer...... our computers are down.

  • 10.  Norwegian farmer's wife to choir-leader: Sorry I can't make it to choir practice today, but my husband's shot an elk... This is true, she said it to me!

  • 11.  Sorry Mom and Dad but I can't play any sports because I was stretching and I over strained my back.

  • 12.  This excuse is an internet excuse for meeting. It has been used twice 1st a male friend of mine was getting involved with a lady from New York.... we live in Montreal, Quebec, Canada.... the night before he was to fly to New York to meet her, her friend emailed him instead, and said that the girl he was going to meet was killed in a car accident that very day. The second incident happened a few days ago. My friend was waiting for an internet date to arrive from Sacramento. He was going to Stockholm and then coming to Montreal. He never showed and she got word that he was killed in a car accident on the way to the airport.

  • 13.  To get out of a relationship: 1- I'M GAY. 2- I've changed since we met. 3- I don't deserve you.

  • 14.  "My Grandma got her arm caught in the microwave" 

  • 15.  "My brother dropped acid, and freaked out, and hijacked a busload of penguins."

  • 16.  Oh, the hickey? Well, I got it because I lost a bet.

  • 17.  I can't give you a ride home because I forgot my car at home!

  • 18.  What to say when caught sleeping at work. Amen

  • 19.  Your Honor' I stabbed my wife in the back 25 times to hide her suicide from our Son.

  • 20.  UMMMMMMMM my uh shirt wasn't ironed.

  • 21.  This is a general excuse that can be used in most cases (don't use it on a girlfriend as an ex of mine hit me with an iron!!!). I couldn't be arsed!

  • 22.  I have "brain-farts & brain-clouds." too lazy.

  • 23.  I can't continue to read your excuses because of all of my other excuses.

  • 24.  I have been wanting to access this site, but my computer has been in hock. I finally got it out yesterday but it was stolen from the bus on my way home. And then when I finally got home I had no power but I couldn't call the utility company because I have no phone, and, oh yes, did I tell you about the problem with my modem?...

  • 25.  Anand couldn't get airline seat on exit door with more leg space .He called up the air hostess and told her that his wife is suffering from diarrhea and needs to be near the toilet . Little wonder the seat sought was allotted to him and his suffering wife !

  • 26.  I wish I could, but I have to stay home and fix my canoe.

  • 27.  My boyfriend hadn't been around to see me for a while. So I got on his case about this. and his excuse? I can't help I'm Lazy!!!

  • 28.  Um, sorry, I cant; I have to tickle my llama in order to keep it alive.

  • 29.  I'm sorry I cant submit an excuse because my keyboard is dslkfjslcknv mcvsvjc.

  • 30.  Excuses for meetings: That was discussed while I was away. I haven't received the memo. My computer broke down and I lost all e-mails. Similar: My voicemail was offline or my cell phone was stolen. I can't remember saying that. I think you misinterpreted my words. (Gives plenty opportunity to twist your own words) Maybe we talked about it, but not every aspect was known to us at that time. You should not jump to conclusions right away. I assure you there is a perfect explanation for this (You never give it) What gives YOU the right to Question me ? (The power trick) Some pages in the copy of my report were missing. I was confused by the time zone in which the meeting was held. Nobody told me about this. The coffee-machine was out of order that day. Do we need to start that discussion all over again ? ----- I Deny, Therefore I am !

  • 31.  Yeah, well anyway I cant talk to you right now anymore, because, well my mom needs help in grating cheese for dinner, so I have to go. Bye.

  • 32.  I once worked for a collection agency regarding car payments. The best excuse I heard besides I have to go on vacation from you people so I can't make my car payment is from a man that stated that he could not make his car payment because he had spent all his money at the dog track. When we went to repossess the car, that's exactly where we found it, at the dog track. They had beat us to it!

  • 33.  The best excuse I ever got to get off the phone was "Excuse me. I have to go check on something that's bleeding." Unfortunately, it was a friend of mine on the other end of the line.

  • 34.  My coffee was too strong, and my doughnut was too salty!!!!!

  • 35.  I have to wax my cat.

  • 36.  If you are playing your Nintendo and your parents tell you to stop and go do your homework tell them I am doing my homework! Someday I want to be a game designer and if I want to be a good one I have to play lots of games in order to stay sharp!

  • 37.  This was an excuse told to my mother when she had asked him at age 9 what had happened to his new coat he had gotten for Christmas and two days later it had rips in it. Teary eyed he said "Mom there was a huge raccoon and I was eating an ice cream cone and I guess he was pretty hungry cause he tackled me and clung to my back and I fell to the ground and it stole it and ate it and ran off." --truth he was playing at his friends farm and crawled under a barbed wire fence!

  • 38.  This is two real ICQ message from my sister after waiting over one month to hear from her.. "Sissy I'm sorry its taken so long to write you back I got your email and have sent you one in return, however I don't think my emails are getting to you because you are not answering them. Could you please read that email I sent you about the Beanies you were to purchase for me? I need to know right away if you have gotten the beanies I requested and when or if you can get them. Message 2, P.S. are you getting these?? Please write me or email me back!

  • 39.  As a librarian I have had many interesting excuses for lost library materials, including:

    1.  I left it in my aunt's car when we went there for a Tupperware party.

    2.  My grandma is still reading it.

    3.  I brought it back last week, you can ask Joe, here.

    4.  I never even had it out, and besides I brought it back because it was boring.

    5.  I put it back on the shelves.

    6.  Someone else must have signed my name (this is after we were bar-coded.)

    7.  I took it with me to my father's girlfriend's house, and they had a big fight. so there   is a restraining order against us. But I can ask the police to get it!

    8.  Why do you keep sending me overdue when you know I haven't got the book any more?

    9.  We went to the trout derby, and it fell overboard.

    10.  Somebody threw it in the toilet in the second floor boys' room.

    11.  What book?

    12.  I already paid for that last year at my other school.

    13.  My sister is using it for a report and left it in the other building.

    14.  I took that book out last year, why are you bothering me now?

    15.  I put it right here on your desk when the substitute was here. (they must think I have substitutes every day.)

    16.  I took it out to the barn and the calf got it.

    17.  My baby brother barfed on it.
    18.  I brought it back the day we were planning my birthday party and you threw us out.

    19.  Someone stole it from my (locked) locker.

    20.  I left it in the grocery store.

    21.  I left it in the public library on accident.

    22.  I didn't have the hardbound copy, I only had the paperback, and it fell apart, so don't charge me.

    23.  I couldn't carry it back because I have asthma and can't carry too many books at once.

    24.  My teacher took it after my book report and lost it.

    25.  My mom said I can't read it and threw it away.

    26.  I just renewed it last week.

    27.  Its at Myrtle Beach. Do I have to drive back? My mom is going to kill me.

    28.  Joe, here, took it after me and forgot to sign it out.

    29.  Its holding up the table in the cellar.

    30.  Its on the bus, I think.

    All of these excuses, and many others, have been presented to me. This is my list of favorites. Anne Shipley

  • 40.  The reason I wasn't talking is that I was running up the street after the ice cream man. (true story/excuse)

  • 41.  I once received a job application that said the excuse for quitting his last job was that he had a 'fatal' accident while on the job there.

  • 42.  I would normally be happy to send you one, but just now the boa is eating the family dog and I have to save him.

  • 43.  I just had a seizure.

  • 44.  I ran out of Total and had to eat 12 bowls of Wheaties. Do you know how long it takes to eat 12 bowls of Wheaties?

  • 45.  While taking the driving portion of the driver's license test, my friend was told by the tester, (hypothetically) "There is an ambulance coming down the other side of the street, what do you do?" So, my friend pulled her car to the side of the road. The tester said, "You didn't use your turn signal." My friend said, "There isn't an ambulance coming either." She passed her test and is driving like a madman to this day. (True Story)

  • 46.  If you wanna skip your AA meeting, just don't go it's voluntary.

  • 47.  I'm menopausal, was having a severe hot flash, and didn't mean any of those nasty things coming out of my mouth or my body!

  • 48.  I hadn't filled in my agenda. I didn't received my certificate when it wasn't filled in. I have asked a friend to steal my bag. Later I called the police to confirm that it was stolen. They believed it!

  • 49.  Yeah....well...you smell like broccoli!

  • 50.  I'm dead drunk!

  • 51.  On why someone stole personal artwork from my website ... "You should be thanking me for taking yours instead of someone else's. I took yours because it's better!" 

  • 52.  A person bid on an item on E-bay and won it. Then this person did not want the item, so they decided to write to the person they bought it from: Well, I couldn't pay for the thing I bought on E-bay because my son fell off the monkey bars and broke two of his arms and one of his legs. Then, my daughter was adopted by our neighbors (why I don't know) while I was at the hospital with my son and I really don't like them because they are ugly and their last name is Ass-swipe. So as I was about ready to walk across the street to get my daughter the phone rang. It was my mother-in-law telling me my wife was killed in a car crash. I started crying but I decided to go get my daughter. As I was walking across the street my vision was blurred by tears and I did not see the huge semi coming through our col-de-sac. So being as I could not see the truck, I did not get out of the way. The semi hit me and it hit me hard. And believe me, it hurt. It hit me hard. Did I mention it hit me really hard? Yeah, well, it hit me hard and I was killed because it hit me so hard. So um. . .I am really sorry about not paying for the item, but I had a rough day.

  • 53.  To my girlfriend: I would like to quit smoking but if I do the cancer in my lungs will be able to reproduce again, thus killing me.

  • 54.  I received an e-mail from a friend with instructions on how to get rid of a virus and I sent him this e-mail back: "?" his reply....."!"

  • 55.  Hi! This is Madtbone's daughter. This is an excuse I actually used about a week or two ago. My cousin Michelle, my boyfriend Steve, and my boyfriend's friend Traber, and I all went on a double date. Michelle picked me up and drove me to the movies where we were gonna meet Steve and Traber. Well, we went in, saw the movie (Me, Myself, and Irene), then went to Starbucks afterwards to get coffee/tea. By the time we went to go look for the car, it was around 10:30 (I was supposed to be home at 10:30, but I forgot/didn't know). Michelle and I weren't familiar with the area, so we relied on the boys (who had "lived there all of their lives") to find the movie theatre again (we had walked about 3 or 4 blocks away from the theatre). When we found the theatre, we started going down the street of the parking garage we parked in (did I mention we had to drive Steve and Traber back home?). Michelle and I remembered walking passed 1 parking garage going to the movie, but Traber and Steve said that there was only one on the street. Well, lets just say that we COULD NOT find the car until 45 minutes later when I decided that I would check if there was another parking garage beyond the first one. THERE WAS! Well, then we had to drive the boys home. By the time we got to my house, it was 11:45... 1 hour and 15 minutes after the time I had to be home. Well, the excuse for us being late was "We listened to 2 idiotic boys and lost the car" Hehe!

  • 56.  Excuses for failing a drug screen, of which I have heard a multitude from job applicants. Interested? They range from "I bummed a cigarette from a stranger yesterday and I thought it tasted funny" to "I am around marijuana 2 or 3 times a day. I work with painters" and "My wife just had a baby, so my girlfriend & I celebrated". I've heard many more, including supplementing one's diet with shark cartilage from a shark in Miami waters.  Grace, 52 year old mother of 3 grown kids, so I'm not buying any excuses for your being on pot.

  • 57.  I had a friend who used to say "I've got a quart of milk in the fridge" whenever he needed an excuse. His rationale was that everyone KNEW it was an excuse, so... one excuse was as good as another!! :o)

  • 58.  The sun got in my eyes.

  • 59.  The grass was wet. 

  • 60.  These shoes are new and I'm breaking them in. 

  • 61. It's against my religious beliefs. 

  • 62. The voices in my head told me not to. 

  • 63.  The phone cops will arrest me if I do. 

  • 64.  That's illegal in this jurisdiction. 

  • 65.  My cat's depressed and I have to stay home. 

  • 66.  I'll have to check with the Mother Ship.

  • 67.  "I sprained my ankle playing basketball, now I can't see so well."

  • 68.  Navigating the mental health system on my son's behalf is the most maddening experience imaginable.  First of all, there is no help unless things get really bad (i.e. hospitalization is required).  Then, insurance pays for hospitalization, but fights paying for lower levels of care, which would help avoid much more costly hospital stays.  Once getting into a program, it then becomes a struggle to keep him in that program, because for some mysterious reason (it wouldn't have to do with $, would it?) they want to discharge him from it and move him onto another thing, and this is where the excuse comes in.  If I hear it one more time, I'll scream.  Every time a hospital or outpatient program is ready to discharge him, they use the excuse, "He's not meeting the criteria".  This must be the new buzz phrase for service providers.  I belong to a parent's support group, and another parent heard the same phrase when inquiring about Medicaid for her handicapped daughter.  Maybe I should respond that I may have been born at night, but not last night?  Or what exactly is this so-called "criteria"?

  • 69.  I haven't read all the excuses yet, so I'm not quite sure if this one pops up somewhere....  Well my excuse for not going to work, a party, a date or whatever, is that I really really have to read The Mother of All Excuses Place first!! 

  • 70.  I am active duty Coast Guard and am a single\ mother and cannot perform sea duty.  So find someone else to go in my place while I do shore duty.  Oh, and you OWE ME.  Signed, You Know Who You Are.

  • 71.  No, Chief, I am not smoking in my room.  The trash with the ashes and cigarette butt in it were from my car.  I keep a can or cup in my car for an ash tray.  When I get back to the barracks, I take the can or cup up to my room and dump it in my room trash can..... {Excuse from a sailor when confronted about smoking in her room.  She would have to have by-passed the dumpster out side and the four trash cans in the building while going to her room on the second floor of the building....I didn't by it}

  • 72.  My friends and I have just started mailing the following excuses to avoid Xmas. Thought you might like to include them as a seasonal offering on The Mother of Excuses Place. 

    How to excuse yourself from Christmas this yearÖÖ. 

    +  My Mother told me not to do it. 

    +  Itís not commercially viable. 

    +  Iíve got a book to write. 

    +  Iím saving up for Passover. 

    +  You *trust* the trains this Christmas?  

    +  Father Xmas deserves a rest this year. 

    +  Iíve got nothing to wear! 

    +  I can't -- I have to stay home and rearrange my sock drawer. 

    +  Do I look like I want to travel for two months to show up on time for Christmas?

    +  Someone stole my credit cards.

    +  The voices in my head told me not to.

    +  Iím on a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP). 

    +  Iím suffering from sick Santa Syndrome (back pain from lifting heavy children and parcels and acquired illnesses from multiple contact with kids ).

    +  I want a silent night.

    +  I would ruin my calorie/carbohydrate count.

    +  Iíve still got presents left from last year.

    +  The last time I went, I never came back. 

    +  None of my socks match. 

    +  My cat/budgie/dog/cow is sic.

    +  I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out. 

    +  There are important world issues that need worrying about. 

    +  Portly men in red shirts arenít my scene. 

    +  Iíve been a naughty boy.

    +  Its not good for ME (chronic fatigue).

    +  Iíve run out of tinsel and my glitter balls are tarnished.

    +  Iím off to salvage Mir in the Pacific Ocean.

    +  I never get to join in on the reindeer games. 

  • 73.  I would if I could, but I can't, so I won't.

  • 74.  I couldn't, there was a paraded.

  • 75.  Excuse me for being late I have explosive diarrhea.

  • 76.  My friend uses this excuse often.... "I am in shape.... Round is a shape."

  • 77.  This one guy was hitting on me at a bar recently and even ignoring him was not getting the point across...  Finally getting fed up with him annoying me, I just looked at him and said.  "I am sorry, were you saying something? I don't understand geek."

  • 78.  A dog bone fell on my foot.

  • 79.  What to say if you arrive home late: 

    MOM:  "Amy, why are you home late?"  AMY:  "Well, you see, we were on our way home and the police stopped us for curfew, it was like oh, I don't know maybe 1:00 at the time.  The officer asked us what we were up to so late and I simply told him that my curfew was 1:30, just like you said when I walked out the door, and he said that the law was if we were under 18 we had to be in by 12.  So, mom, it was YOU breaking the law, NOT ME!"  MOM:  "Yea, but its 7 am now."  AMY:  "The police needed us to get a stolen monkey from this teenage night club.  MOM:  "WHY??????"  AMY:  "It was our punishment...the monkey was a killer monkey"  MOM:  "oh geeze"  AMY:  "I'm glad you understand!"

  • 80.  Hun, I just have a lot of stuff to take care of, I'm busy.  (This always works for my husband!)

  • 81.  I only have 1 suit left, my birthday suit.

  • 82.  Smoking excuse - I started to smoke because I got addicted to the gum and needed something to get me off of it. 

  • 83.  My Line, Scenario: at a get together with friends, smoking an illegal substance, the classic, 'puff puff give' was going on. and I was 'cool' i.e. content with my feelings, 'happy'.  A friend passes the 'smoke', I put a hand out gesturing 'no' and say, "No thanks, I'm Lactose Intolerant" works every time, no questions asked... heh

  • 84.  A pastor, obviously upset with the excuses that turned up at every church service, published a list in the church newsletter.  The list was, "10 reasons why I don't wash."  Oh, and I added an extra one. 

    11. I don't wash, and I think I'm still cleaner than some of my friends who do. 

    10. There are so many types of soap, I just can't make up my mind which one to use. 

    9. All those people who make soap, they all just want your money! 

    8. I was forced to wash as a kid, so now.... 

    7. None of my friends wash, why should I. 

    6. Everybody who washes is a hypocrite, they always think they're so much cleaner than those of us who don't! 

    5. I used to wash, then I got bored, so I quit. 

    4. The bathroom is never hot enough in the winter, or cool enough in the summer. 

    3. I'm just so busy I don't have enough time. 

    2. I wash, but only on special occasions, like Easter and Christmas. 

    1. I'm going to wait till I'm older and dirtier before I start to wash. 

  • 85.  I'd love to but I have to go floss my cat.

  • 86.  It's not my fault I can't remember.  I have a short-term memory problem because I smoke pot.

  • 87.  A guy who owed the shop I work at some money, rang and said he had posted all his bills this morning but some little s*** threw a fire cracker in the mailbox.  I accepted this and told him he can have another week.  About 3 months later I was at the guy's office, only to hear him on the phone saying to someone, I posted it but some little s*** threw a fire cracker in the mailbox. The moral:  remember who you use your excuses on!

  • 88.  I had an appointment with God.

  • 89.  When you don't want to do something just say "my head fell off!"

  • 90.  My husband is in the bathroom and it isn't safe for me to go in!

  • 91.  Well, see the problem was, ummmm.....  dammit I cant lie, I just didn't want to, and that's it.

  • 92.  Sorry, my frontal lobotomy didn't go as planned.....

  • 93.  Some really stupid, reasons that have no reason that you can't ride your horse that people had given me for them not to ride/work with their horses.  

    + It's too sunny. 

    + It's too cloudy. 

    + My horse just got new shoes and I don't want to get them dirty. 

    + My horse just had a bath. 

    + I just got a new riding helmet and I don't want to get it all sweaty. 

    + My horse hasn't had a bath today. 

    + I can't find my extra lead line. 

    + There's a spider in the barn, and I can't find it to squash it (in a twenty 10' by 10' stall's, 15' by 10' tack room, 15' by 10' feed room, barn). 

    + My tack is dusty. 

    + It's too cold. 

    + It's too hot. 

    + There are only three other people riding. 

    + There are too many people riding already. 

    + But I only went riding two weeks ago!!! (from a phone conversation I had with a border who hadn't come to see their horse in two weeks). 

    + I haven't eaten in two hours. 

    + I slept till 11 this morning. (?) 

    + Horses scare me. (a lady who owns three horses). 

    + I like horses too much. (?) 

    + The people at the barn like horses too much. (I wonder why? It's a horse boarding farm...) 

    + My horse doesn't like to be ridden. 

    + My horse likes to be ridden, and he bit me other day, this is punishment. 

    + My horse bit me. 

    + My horse ate all his feed. 

    + I watched a movie last night. (?) 

    + My two year old daughter told me that horses are scary. 

    + I'm wearing red. 

    + I'm wearing a sweater. 

    + I'm wearing jeans. 

    + I'm not wearing underwear. (I didn't need to know that...) 

    + My horse is a stallion and some of the mares are in season. 

    + My horse is a gelding and some of the mares are in season. (?) 

    + My horse is a mustang. (?) 

    + My horse's tail won't quit hitting me. (in the middle of the summer... the horse was swatting flies). 

    + My horse keeps making noise. (He was snorting.) 

    + My horse got green junk on me. (horse snot, or as I like to say... horse kisses!) 

    + My horse is a Quarter Horse. (?) 

    + I own two horses. (?) 

    + My horses name is Buck. (and she's the one who named the horse!) 

    + That's about all I can think of right now... I lost my list. 

  • 94.  If someone ever asks you to do them a favor and you don't feel like it then just say,  "I don't have time for myself, do you think I have time to help you?

  • 95.  I slipped on Orange Glo, which is very powerful, and I hurt my head.

  • 96.  I must have left it in the shopping cart... 

  • 97.  I left it on top of the car when I drove away...

  • 98.  Excuse me but I can't clean the house, because I am too lazy and don't care.  My room is a disaster cause it hurts my back to reach down, and I can't  fold the laundry because it is too boring.  I'm not even doing the dishes today, because they pile up so fast anyway, anyone that needs a dish can wash it off themselves.  Also, it is nice the spider webs catch the moths and misc. flies so they can stay too.  Also I am keeping an extra cat cause they catch the rats or mice that may run loose.

  • 99.  The clowns made me do it!

  • 100.  Sorry I just hit a tree while riding my mtb.  Right now I'm hanging 7 feet high and I'm waiting for an ambulance.

  • 101.  I have my periods!

  • 102.  I was once told by a fishing guide here in WY the reason the lake trout weren't biting that day was, "It was the time of year that they loose their teeth."  That was after we had paid him.

  • 103.  My excuse for everything, from forgetting to feed the cat to not remembering the way home, is that I suffered permanent damage while raising 7-children.

  • 104.  One time someone who I did not like called and asked if they could come over.  I told them I had to leave to go help my friend who was stuck in the trunk of their car and hung up.

  • 105.  Because I want to!

  • 106.  It's too cold!

  • 107.  My pet piranha ate it.

  • 108.  An excuse to get out of anything -- Say that a cousin that you haven't seen in forever happens to be in town for business etc. for that day only surprised you and just dropped by.  Act super excited and tell the person that you are giving the excuse to that they HAVE to understand.

  • 109.  I am hard of hearing because of a life time in aviation.  Those engines are loud!  When someone speaks and I don't hear them, my excuse is:  "Sorry, I read, write and speak the English language, I just don't hear it very well."

  • 110.  The father excuse cant take time out to see my child cause I work to much.... ........ ( yes he works so so hard with women!)

  • 111.  Its my religion!

  • 112.  I cant ,I'm sick.

  • 113.  This excuse is a little off the wall, but I actually used it.  And it's applicable in so many different situations: " But I only have one shoe on!"

  • 114.  I'm so sorry I didn't ring you but the phone was broken , and I didn't have my mobile phone with me , and I locked my self in the house so I couldn't use a friends phone.

  • 115.  Honey, nobody does that anymore, it went out of style with afros and tie died clothes .

  • 116.  I'm not stupid I just choose not to pay attention.

  • 117.  I have PMS and a gun... ANY QUESTIONS?!?

  • 118.  Here is my contributions, first an all round (don't know if you got it already - but it must be a classic - and actually is also the title of a porn movie ) :
    "The Devil made me do it!"

  • 119.  The following excuses is ALL REAL EXCUSES I got from my ex-girlfriend in discussions / arguments during our relationship !!!!! Excuse she used for lying when I asked her if she had had sex with a particular man (a regular Clinton - Oral office - excuse) : "It does not count as sex if you only licks or sucks" / "Oral sex does not count as sex" General excuses she came up
    with when taken in lying to me :

    1 : "You had no right to ask me that question so I had the right to lie."

    2: "It was not a lie it was only un-true" Further more when finally admitting to what were true after long time of discussion and pressure to tell the truth : "I do/did not lie because I am telling the truth now myself."  Her general excuse for behaving madly:  It is my right.  (While generally implying it were her right, because she was female she were allowed to act in a manner she would not accept males to act towards herself.)

  • 120.  I just got out of a 28 day recovery treatment center, and I had to get a job.

  • 121.  I didn't hear you the first time!

  • 122.  I didn't invite you to my birthday party cause it was last minute and you were not home.

  • 123.  My boyfriends' sister came home with yet another huge dent in the front drivers side of her car.  WHY?  "Oh my God, this GIANT ROTTWEILER attacked my car... he was some crazy dog... just ran at it..." OKAY, dingdong!!

  • 124.  Sorry, my hemorrhoids are flaring up!

  • 125.  Sorry I lost the money in my pocket.

  • 126.  I don't live hear.

  • 127.  HICKEY EXCUSES:  I was being chased by a swarm of bees, when I fell and one came right under the neck and bit me.  I felt itchy and started to scratch that's the reason my neck/breast/shoulder and back are red.  I have very long hair so when I reach the end of my hair the comb begins to scrape my neck.

  • 128.  I had car trouble..... I didn't get in it.

  • 129.  I get called all the time and have friends who never get called--makes me so mad--and they want me to drive 80 miles round trip bumper to bumper ----- I am going to try to say that my husband and I are separating and that I am moving out of town for one year.... I do have severe anxiety about driving so I might try that.

  • 130.  I was late because I didn't get here on time.

  • 131.  I am tired, therefore I don't remember.

  • 132.  I would have been here on time but I got my tie caught in the blender.

  • 133.  I was possessed!

  • 134.  The penguins stole my sanity.

  • 135.  I forgot.  I have a really slippery mind, so I guess it slipped my mind.  I'm sorry.

  • 136.  I was possessed by the angry Canadian death chickens.

  • 137.  im dum

  • 138.  You told me I didn't have to do it!

  • 139.  I have to walk my dog.... twice.

  • 140.  I can't come shopping with you this afternoon love, because there is a very interesting program on the discovery channel which I really can't miss.  (Then watch the football)

  • 141.  I could not give blood today as I share a razor with 5 other men in a YMCA hostel.

  • 142.  I can't because I'm alive.

  • 143.  These are all real excuses I have heard:

    My cousin stole the money order out of the mail slot, forged his name on it, and cashed it.

    The stamp must have fallen off.

    I lost my job because I was jailed for missing a court date on a charge of operating a tiling business without a license.  (It turns out he was actually jailed for failing to register as a sex offender!)

    My wife was laid off and now the ex-boss is contesting her unemployment insurance payment, falsely claiming she was fired for gross insubordination.

    I gave a check to a lawyer who was going to represent me in my child-support case, but then I realized I couldn't afford it and told the lawyer I didn't want him to represent me, but he cashed the check anyway and now I can't get the money back.

    I don't understand the ATM machine.

  • 144.  My husbands general excuse for everything from A to Z, from Feb. through Oct. is "I
    can't it's racing season."

  • 145.  Please excuse me for making all those errors on the letters I sent out.  You see, the copy and paste function on my computer broke and so mistakes were made that were not my fault!

  • 146.  It scares me!!

  • 147.  I had just had my second baby.  We were young and hadn't much money.  The baby was a month old and I had a two yr old when they shut off our electricity!  I called the electric company to beg for it to be turned back on, explaining I needed the refrigerator on to keep the mixed formula cold.  The electric company man said that we should go live with someone else until we could pay the bill. I  told him I didn't have anyone else within 1,000 miles and asked if we could come live with him!!  He suddenly decided to make pay arrangements and our electricity was turned on within the hour!

  • 148.  I cannot stand when bill collectors just keep calling and calling... They never stop! Now I tell them I am the babysitter and the resident is out of town sick and will not be back for a few months!!!!

  • 149.  I got my penis stuck in my fly!

  • 150. I got an excuse!! Sorry, I can't tonight. My imaginary friend got lost and I need to go find him. Made me laugh.

  • 151. Seriously, this was used by my ex-husband for why he didn't pay child support. My cell phone bill is $60 per week. Judge: per week or per month? Ex: per week. I pay my mom $125 per week in rent and I had to pay my car payment. Judge: Wait, $60 PER WEEK? For a cell phone? Ex. Yes, I need to keep in touch with my mom, cuz she's sick. Judge: But sir, you live with your mom... Ex. Sometimes.

  • 152. The cleaner moved it!

  • 153. My favorite excuse, especially being a woman and a mother is: I do what I want, when I want, IF I want! It also drives my boyfriend absolutely crazy when I tell him that! NOT that I would ever do anything wrong or compromising... or would I !?!?!

  • 154. My so called 'boyfriend' ... when he doesn't want to answer my telephone call will come up with a thousand and one excuses for not doing so... The best one yet is .. "I couldn't find the phone" and he lives in a 2-room apartment and has 3 telephones! ( My cell phone was ringing? Couldn't be, it was turned off!!)

  • 155. I have social anxiety!

  • 156. I didn't do any thing I was with stupid.

  • 157. Working as a hospital based psychiatrist, one of my young recovering schizophrenic patient kept on coming with the same excuse for not joining the physiotherapy for morning walks "I can't! My iPod is not charged today!)

  • 158. maybe this could be one:I came in after it all happened!-A classic.

  • 159. Good away message on phone or computer -

    I'm sorry I'm not here right now, I've lost my mind and I'm out looking for it.

    I've lost myself. If you find me before I return, please tell me where I can find me.

  • 160. Say (name of role model) was doing it and I want to be just like her/him.

  • 161. Thank you for taking the time and effort to create and maintain your website. Itís given me many chuckles and often reminded me of persons Iíve met. As a former IRS attorney and a tax attorney in private practice, I often encounter people with amazing abilities to fix responsibility for their conduct on someone or something else. These experiences sometimes provide me with uncomfortable insight into my own shortcomings.

    This doesnít seem to fit in any of the websiteís categories, but may amuse you:

    I received an angry call from a thoroughly uncooperative client to whom Iíd sent a disengagement letter. When I mentioned that he had failed to respond to any of my previous letters, he indignantly replied that I ďshould have known that he wasnít reading my letters and called to tell [him] what was in them.Ē

  • 162. Excuse for not doing well in a marathon or other long distance running race:

    The best excuse is that the person is too fast or has too many fast-twitch muscle fibers. It is well established that the best distance runners have slow-twitch muscle fibers, while the best sprinters have fast-twitch muscle fibers. Thus, a world-class sprinter will not usually do well in a long-distance event, even if he trains for it.




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Last modified:  06/18/11