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Work Humor....

Ten Commandments for "Working Hard"

1. Never walk without a document in your hands.  

People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings.  People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria.  People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're heading for the toilet.  Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

2. Use computers to look busy.  

Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer.  You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work.  These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they're not bad either.  When you get caught by your boss - and you *will* get caught -- your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.

3. Messy desk

Top management can get away with a clean desk.  For the rest of us, it looks like we're not working hard enough.  Build huge piles of documents around your workspace.  To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts.  Pile them high and wide.  If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

4. Voice Mail

Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM.  That's no way to live.  Screen all your calls through voice mail.  If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there - it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel.

5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed

According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.

6. Leave the office late

Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around.  You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving.  Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out.  Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays.

7. Creative Sighing for Effect

Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.

8. Stacking Strategy

It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table.  Put lots of books on the floor etc.  (thick computer manuals are the best).

9. Build Vocabulary

Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products.  Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember:  They don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.


DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake!!!



Ways To Take A Sick Day (When you aren't REALLY sick!):

Drink Syrup of Ipecac to induce heinous fits of uncontrollable vomiting. (Dilute in water to prevent spontaneous accident on-the-spot).

Use women's makeup products to paint yourself sick: light brown eye shadow works best as an under-the-eye prop for bags, some strategically applied foundation to lips provides that "pale" appearance, etc. 

Moaning and clutching your stomach after a serious feast on burritos (make sure no one is within firing range...Hoo doggy!). 

Bake an Ex-Lax cake and eat it all (use entire box of Ex Lax chocolate cubes). 

Use the old "I-have-diarrhea-and-can't-get-off-the-toilet" excuse. 

Fake a seizure in the middle of a staff meeting. 

Drink an entire bottle of Pepto-Bismol after eating a plate of liver and onions. And run. 

Have your mother call in and state that you awoke with a sweaty, fevered forehead, and your tongue appears to be turning black as you speak. 

Mix 1 cup raw egg to one cup milk...let it sit on the counter for four hours, then drink. Then run.

Pour spoiled milk on your shirt and go to work. Tell every colleague that you just don't feel right today, and, heck, you seem to have really foul odors since you yakked before coming to work. Watch people flee. 

Suddenly clutch your stomach and scream out, "Oh, My God!!! The baby is not kicking anymore!!" This works best if you are female, are NOT pregnant, and no one thinks that you are. 

Call in and state that you have contracted Ebola from the African Sculpture that you purchased from the QVC Channel. 

Call off sick with Montezuma's Revenge. If someone asks what this is, start gurgling into the phone, shriek, and hang up. 

Contact a relative who is in the medical profession and have them hook you up with a doctor's excuse. 

Cite the 24 hour flu when you return to work just one day after calling off. 

Grab granny's perfume, and spray heavily. Explain to co-workers that you ingested some perfume at home, thinking that it was a glass of apple juice, and start doubling over, clutching your spleen. 

State that the blood donation just a day ago had some complications...while donating, you forgot to mention that you are a hemophiliac, and since they couldn't stop you from bleeding, you're currently hooked up to the machine in the bloodmobile, and you still haven't clotted. You are currently en route to Cedars-Sinai in Loma Linda, CA. (This works best if you live on the East Coast). 

You were attacked by rabid frogs en route to your car. 

Your mother-in-law stopped by and won't leave. The SWAT Team is coming by to help with her execution. 

Your brother from Naples, FL, thought he would be nice, and sent a strip-o-gram for your birthday. Only problem is, he paid for a weeks' worth of fun, and the fun just started. Today. 

Your spouse's (insert body part here) was accidentally caught in the garbage disposal during an innocent game of "chance." 

Ed McMahon and Dick Clark just sent you an envelope that clearly states that you are to remain at home to receive your million dollar check...today.

Thanks to Lori Martin for permission to use these Sick Excuses from her web site.







No excuse...We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof.  We believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.


We are no longer allowing this practice.  We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may need an operation. We believe that as long as you are an employee here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed.  We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for.


Other than your own:

This is no excuse for missing work.   There is nothing you can do for them, and we are sure that someone else can attend to the arrangements. However, if the funeral can be held in the late afternoon, we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently let you leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence.

Your own:

This will be accepted as an excuse.  However, we require at least two weeks notice as we feel it is your duty to train your replacement.


Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom.  In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order.  For instance, those whose names begin with "A" will go from 8:00-8:15, and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again.

We appreciate your cooperation,




In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it would be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. 

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will immediately be placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all of the S.H.I.T. you can handle. 

Employees who donít take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they donít have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are full of S.H.I.T. already. 

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.). 

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.). 

Thank you. 



Differences Between You and Your Boss

When you take a long time, you're slow.

When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

When you don't do it, you're lazy.

When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.

When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.

When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.

When your boss does it, he's being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.

When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

When you please your boss, you're apple polishing.

When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.

When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.

When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.

When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.

When you don't show up on time for a meeting, you're late. When your boss doesn't show up on time for a meeting, he must have been delayed.

Best Excuses if you get caught sleeping at your desk....

"In Jesus Name. Amen!" 

" They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

" This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."

" Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper. "

" I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

" This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people !"

" I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"

" Actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) you learned at the last mandatory seminar your boss made you attend.

" I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?"

"  Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

" The coffee machine is broke...."

" Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."

" Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

" Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"

" Wasn't sleeping. Was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."

Real Excuses....

Have you exhausted the excuses for taking a day off?  Are all your grannies dead?   Does the boss no longer believe the one about the crippled aunt who keeps falling over?

Well, then, try these!  They're not excuses, they're real!


Peptic ulcers occurring among air traffic controllers, as a result of job stress. {Illinois Medical Journal, 1972}


Loss of hair from prolonged use of personal stereo headphones. {Journal of the American Medical Association, 1984}


Glazed-eye look of TV anchorman caused by looking at the teleprompter through glaring camera lights. {Syracuse, New York, TV station, 1960}


Extreme irritability developing amongst arctic explorers exposed to darkness, monotony, isolation and sensory depravation. {Lancet, 1910}


Swelling, bluish discoloration and wasting of finger caused by placing pop-top beer can rings on finger. {JAMA, 68}


The headache associated with carbon monoxide intoxication which occurs after spending long hours in smoke filled bingo halls. {Canadian Medical Association, 1982}


The nervous excitement of spotting a species for the first time. {New Scientist, 1982}


Psychotic episodes associated with the use of anabolic steroids; causing hallucinations, paranoid delusions, grandiose beliefs and manic-depressive symptoms. {Lancet, 1987}


Sickness caused by changes in atmospheric pressure as the book the customer wants is always on the top shelf. 


Soreness of the feet caused by standing in front of slot machines for long periods of time. {Wilmington Morning Star, 1981}


Partial dislocation and arthritis of middle finger joint from continued use of this finger to dislocate chicken necks for slaughtering. {BMA Journal, 1955}


Psychological stress during holidays related to the use of alcohol and social pressures. {JAMA, 1982}


Pain over the rear and down thigh due to pressure on nerve from a wallet stuffed with credit cards. {New England Medical Journal, 1966}


A sore finger from snapping fingers while dancing. {New England Medical Journal}


Pain caused by constant tension and tugs from a dog leash. {New England Medical Journal, 1979}


Epilepsy caused by the flashing lights of electronic video games. {BMA Journal, 1982}


Pain in espresso coffee machine operators from strong wrist motions required to make the coffee. {JAMA, 1956}


Skin disease on feet from wearing rubber flip-flops. {BMA Journal, 1965}


Cutting of finger from strenuous throwing of a frisbee. {New England Medical Journal, 1975}


Shoulder and elbow pain after too many rounds of golf. {BMA Journal, 1896}


Painful shoulder swelling suffered by fishermen repeatedly jerking upwards on a fishing line. {New England Medical Journal, 1981}


Nervous symptoms related to spending too much time managing a busy household. {Centrescope, 1976}


Swelling suffered by hotel porters from lugging heavy bags. {Diseases of Occupations, 1975}


Frostbite on the lips from prolonged contact with ice-cream. {New England Medical Journal, 1982}


Painful abscesses suffered by dancers who frequently spin on their bottoms. {Daily Telegraph, 1987}


Irritation of the hair follicles from the waist down to the knees caused by ultra-tight jeans. {New England Medical Journal, 1981}


Trigger finger pain following prolonged use of video game joysticks.{JAMA, 1987}


Painful hand swelling from sharpening too many knives. {Diseases of Occupations, 1975}


Ulcers in mouth from sensitivity to sticky labels. {Dangerous Trades, 1902}


Painful seizure of muscles from counting too much cash. {English University Press, 1975}


The sort of headaches noted by drivers on congested motorways. {BMA Journal, 1963}


Swelling of kneecap from repeated kneeling in prayer. {Diseases of Occupations, 1975}


Eye irritation from contact with fragments of oyster shells. {BMA Journal, 1896}


Tingling or swelling of feet from wearing a too-tight pantie girdle. {BMA Journal, 1972}


The hazard of spending too long in the bar instead of playing the game. {Encyclopedia of Sports, 1971}


Bullet wound in leg from practicing fast draw from gun in belt holster. {JAMA, 1966}


Tendency for drivers waiting in traffic jams to toot horns. {New England Medical Journal, 1976}

Tension, headaches, depression and anxiety felt by women whose husbands have just retired. {Western Journal  of Medicine, 1984}



Hardening of skin following long-term trauma of rocking on the hips while operating a sewing machine.   {American Family Physician, 1979}


Low back pain from lifting heavy children and parcels and acquired illnesses from multiple contact with kids. {JAMA, 1986}


Loss of normal flexibility of the legs from being slumped in a chair in front of the box for too long. {JAMA, 1958}


Skin irritation on rear from spending too much time on the toilet. {Archive of Dermatology, 1933}


Skin irritation of neck, chest and arms from wearing new uniforms. {BMJ, 1973}


Allergic skin reaction caused by rubber bumper guards. {Archive of Dermatology, 1971}


Fatigue, irritability, headaches and diminished sex drive from strain of doing two jobs. {Lancet, 1966}


Paralysis of foot due to compounded pressure from practicing Yoga positions. {JAMA, 1971}

School Humor....

Proverbs by Kids

A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest:

Better Be Safe Than... Punch A 5th Grader.

It's Always Darkest Before... Daylight Savings Time.

Strike While The... Bug Is Close.

 Never Under Estimate The Power Of... Termites.

You Can Lead A Horse To Water But... How?

Don't Bite The Hand That... Looks Dirty.

No News Is... Impossible.

A Miss Is As Good As A... Mr.

You Can't Teach An Old Dog New... Math.

 If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You'll... Stink In The Morning.

 Love All, Trust.. Me

 The Pen Is Mightier Than The... Pigs.

 An Idle Mind Is... The Best Way To Relax.

Where There's Smoke, There's... Pollution.

Happy The Bride Who... Gets All The Presents!

A Penny Saved Is... Not Much.

Two's Company, Three's... The Musketeers.

Don't Put Off Tomorrow What... You Put On To Go To Bed.

Laugh And The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry And... You Have To Blow Your Nose.

Children Should Be Seen And Not... Spanked Or Grounded.

 If At First You Don't Succeed... Get New Batteries.

You Get Out Of Something What You... See Pictured On The Box.

When The Blind Leadeth The Blind... Get Out Of The Way.

There Is No Fool Like... Aunt Edie.

Police & Accident Humor....

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!! The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "PULLOVER!! "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "SCARF!"

Top 21 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over:

21. Sure, I'll get my registration card.....Would you mind holding my beer?

20. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

19. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

18. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.

17. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.

16. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

15. Bad cop. No doughnut.

14. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?

13. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

12. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?

11. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriends night stand.

10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds.

9. I pay your salary.

8. So uh, you on the take or what?

7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.

6. Do you know why you pulled me over? okay, just so one of us does.

5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.

4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.

3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.

1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

More things not to say to a Policeman when he pulls you over.

 No, YOU assume the position.

I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!

 If I bend over, will I still get a ticket?

No, offi, offic, lucifer . . . I'm not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog.

 No, I don't know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110 mph.

 Back off, Barney, I've got a piece.

But officer, I've got 2 different drivers licenses from 2 different states....Pick 1.

I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little green men!

On the way to the station let's get a six pack, oh don't forget the cig's

You'll never get those cuffs on me. . . You Homo!

Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!

Hey, wasn't your daughter a porn queen?

How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.

So that's what those yellow flashing lights in the school zone means.

What do you use those rubber gloves for, anyway?


Here is a list of best actual insurance claims I found on The Mouthpiece Newsletter.

"I sprained my wrist while putting sugar on the strawberries." 

"I am a little hard of hearing so you can understand why I didn't see the cyclist."

"I admit I went through the intersection without looking to see if anyone was crossing, but I had gone through the same intersection less than an hour before and no one was there."

"I am planning to lend my car to someone who doesn't know how to drive, but beforehand can you please confirm that you'll pay for the damage he is likely to cause?"

"You are telling me that according to the civil code I am responsible for my children's action. If that's true, the people who wrote that must not have, like me, nine children to watch over."

"In place of the intersection they built a roundabout with priority for those coming from the left. Now I didn't expect that change and I lost control of my car."

"While going forward I smashed the rear light of the car in front of me. So I backed up, and in doing so smashed the bumper of the car behind me. That's when I stepped out of the car, but in doing so I knocked down a bicyclist with my door. That's all I have to declare for today."

"I rammed into a parked car and made sure not to tell the owner that I was responsible. I hope you are satisfied with me and will award me additional bonus points on my insurance."

"I smashed into a glass door during an 'open house' at the company."

"I had a work-related accident while dozing off under an apple tree."

"You know my cab has been turned into a hearse and now I only transport dead people. So since my passengers are not at risk, do you think it's reasonable to make me pay an additional insurance bonus in case they are involved in an accident?"

"The accident happened while I was changing girls."

"While pushing back a dog on a leash, its owner bit me."

"I read in my contract that you wouldn't reimburse me any repairs on my car for damage caused by my driving drunk. I am willing to pay you what it takes to get rid of that clause."

"You informed me that there is no such thing as theft between spouses. You obviously don't know my wife."

"I am stunned that you refuse to pay for this accident on grounds that I wasn't wearing my glasses. I swear the accident wasn't my fault. I simply didn't see the bicyclist when I ran him over."

"The cyclist kept zigzagging, going right and then left before I could pin him down."

"Since her accident, my wife is even worse than before. I hope you will take that into account."

"They determined that I had a 2.10 blood alcohol level and plan to convict me. You'll admit that considering the six to eight liters of blood in our bodies, that wasn't much." 


General Excuse

For several weeks I had not turned in my homework and my teacher threatened to call my mother and so I told her not to because my mother was the principle. This teacher being new believed me and now every time I see either of them I try to hide. 

I would of had my homework except the girl in the next seat covered hers up. 

No mom I was not talking back I was only expressing my opinion as it is stated in the Constitution. 

I was not cheating I was checking to see if my answers were right. 

Leave my room alone and don't expect me to clean it this is my method of organization. 

Okay I know dogs don't eat homework but my hamster sure does. I set my homework on top of her cage and she pulled it right through the bars. She shredded it and used it as bedding. 

I did not do the dishes the dog did.

Guy Excuses

The toilet seat kept moving if it would stay put I would not miss. 

We were not doing anything she is just a friend 'dearest'. 

We were not kissing she was teaching me mouth to mouth. 

I thought she was you in the movie theater. 

I smoke to have a reason for carrying a lighter because I do not want people knowing I am a pyromaniac. 

I do not wear ties because they restrict me in the presence of a female. 

I wear boxers not briefs (tighty-whites) so I have the feeling of freedom. 

I like my truck dirty because it proves I am not a pretty boy. 

I do not have an ego it is just my manliness. 

By belching I release my inner self.


Gal Excuses

I was not checking him out I was staring into space. 

I am on PMS therefore I have a right to be a royal pain. 

Every outfit needs its own pair of shoes, you can never have to many. 

I am a woman deal with it. 

I am right and you are wrong that is just the way the world works. 

I take longer than you do because I actually care what I look like. 

You do not wear a bra so why should I. 

Bad Boss Blues

Borrowed from: http://hotjobs.yahoo.com/jobseeker/tools/ept/careerArticlesPost.html?post=56

Tips for Surviving Challenging Supervisors

Robert Half InternationalBuilding good rapport with your boss is essential to your career success. After all, he or she decides which projects you take on and how quickly you advance. But not all workers see eye-to-eye with their supervisors. Here are some common types of managers and tips for working with each of them.

The Box of Chocolates
As with selecting a bonbon from an assortment, you never know what you're going to get with this boss. The manager may confide in you one day and turn a cold shoulder the next.


Your Coping Strategy: Remain calm when interacting with this type of boss. When this manager is on edge, limit communication to email unless a matter is urgent. Do everything you can to ease this person's stress level, which may be driving his or her mood swings.

The Bully
This boss has a consistent disposition: overbearing. This type of supervisor also tends to be gruff with others and is easily frustrated.

Your Coping Strategy: Deal with this person by standing up for yourself. In fact, this person may do a complete 180 once he or she is convinced you're up to the challenge of working together. If your manager continues to bully you, however, move on.

The Control Freak
This person wants to know every detail of every project. He or she also has trouble delegating tasks, and may not give you very challenging assignments.

Your Coping Strategy: Trust is usually the issue, so try to build it. Start a log that details the status of your current projects and steps you've taken to ensure quality work. The more confident your manager is in your abilities, the less controlling that person is likely to be.

The Mute
This manager lets staff members "figure things out on their own." Because this person relies on email -- and works behind closed doors -- you rarely have the opportunity to clarify ambiguous messages.

Your Coping Strategy: Don't be afraid to ask questions, even if through email. If a topic becomes so complex that you begin shooting messages back and forth, your boss may eventually request an in-person meeting. If the conversation goes well, he or she may even realize verbal dialogue can be an efficient mode of communication.

The Best Friend
This person is afraid to set standards because he or she wants to be liked by everyone. This manager frequently relinquishes responsibility for the sake of friendship, compromising the team's ability to function.

Your Coping Strategy: Enjoy the occasional lunch out, but keep a professional distance and support this person when he or she exerts authority. Once your boss understands leadership is needed, he or she may feel more confident in the role and be more active in managing you and the rest of the team.


Well that is it for now friends. Please go to the Submit Excuses page and send me your jokes, or suggestions for other pages.

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Last modified: 07/10/11