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Funny Things That People Say and Do #'s 101 and up.
  • 101.  This is a true story that happened to me a few years ago during the Northwest Airlines strike.  I was scheduled to take a vacation and fly to friend's house in Vermont.  I arrived early for the plane and waited.  The plane arrived and everybody got off the plane.  After keeping us waiting at the gate for 45 minutes, the attendant came over the PA system and said, "ladies and gentlemen, we are having a slight problem.  It seems that one of our smaller passengers had an accident in his seat and we are currently trying to get a replacement cushion."  Not long after that, without the cushion, they started to board the passengers.  Guess who had the seat the accident had occurred in?  You guessed it.  Yours truly.  The attendants ended up wrapping the old cushion in a trash bag, wrapping that in another trash bag, and then putting that on the seat with a folding up blanket on top it.  The attendant immediately turned to me and told me whatever I wanted to drink was on the house.  And they say vacations are supposed to be relaxing?!?!

  • 102.  I was over to a friends house helping her install some towel racks that she had bought for her bathroom, when we noticed that she had purchased a silver plated one along with the gold tone ones that we were installing.  We needed to take a trip back to the store to exchange it.  While in the store, her 2 and a half year old daughter had wandered to the next isle, the next thing we heard was "Mama, wipe my butt.  Wipe my butt Mama!"  I could of just died, here she is sitting on a new toilet for sale, there's a big turd in it and she wants her butt wiped.  Her mom pulled up her pants and we left the area as fast as we could.  While standing in the check out line, she starts whining, "My mom won't wipe my butt!"  Just then, we hear on the loud speaker, We need maintenance cleanup in pluming.  I was so embarrassed, I wanted to crawl under the counter. We laugh about it now. I have never returned to that store.  I'm glad it was in her neighborhood and not mine. 

  • 103.  Last Halloween my friend and I had a party.  We decorated the staircase with black trash bags to make it like a tunnel.  We also had a campfire grill going outside.  Two days after the party we were cleaning up and decided to throw the ashes in our very large plastic dumpster.  Well on top of the ashes we put the trash bags.  About a half an hour later, my friends husband came home from work telling us that there was a fire in the alley and the dumpster was on fire.  Oops! We never got caught but sure did feel stupid!

  • 104.  Ok, this is not an excuse, but a funny story.  When I was just into my teens I hung out a lot with my older brother and all his "skater" friends.  Well, the house we lived in at the time was HUGE and we had a tendency to find weird games to play inside.  One hot summer day we decided to split into team and have a water balloon fight.  The point of the game was for the team that was locked out of the house to get into the house and capture the other team.  (Already sounding like any parent's nightmare right?)  Well, we locked the first floor, windows and all, and proceeded to attack the team outside.  My brother, being the crazy boy he is, climbed a stucco wall to the second story, climbed through the bathroom window, and kidnapped me.  He unlocked the back door, and his friends come in screaming with a hose on full blast. Our kitchen was soaked, I mean several inches of water on the floor.  Well, my step-mom came home, and oddly was pleased, it seams the glue that had been used for keeping tiles down was impossible for her to get off.  Our little water fight however had done the trick.  If only she had used water from the get go we would have been in SO much trouble.

  • 105.   My mother used to be an in home childcare provider and there were always kids at our house.  One day all of the kids were outside playing some game and I was sitting on the porch.  The kids suddenly got into an argument or something and they began to scream loudly.  My Mother was inside trying to get one of the babies to stop crying.  When she heard the kids screaming bloody murder she went to run out onto the porch with the screaming baby in her arms.  The screen door was closed and she busted right through the screen knocking it off the track!  the kids , the baby and I just stopped and stared at her, then we burst out laughing.

  • 106.  A friend and I work at Burger King, and apart from us most of the employees there are male.  One day I was making burgers, and when you're making burgers you can look down and see some of the people who are on the tills.  Anyway, I was looking down and I saw that the person on the far left had a really nice butt.  I watched it for the whole time I was there, and when we finished work I asked my friend (who was on a till) who the guy on the far left was because he had a really nice butt.  She started laughing, and said "Um... Alice? That was me." Whoops.

  • 107.  One day, while in Georgia, my dad got an e-mail, it was a voice email, so I heard it to.  "(My fathers name),  I'm having trouble with my computer, my mouse has reached the end of the mouse pad, but I need to go further down the page, can you help me?"  in those exact words.  Needless to say, I was on the floor laughing my ass of, because it was probably the stupidest thing I had ever heard. 

  • 108.  Last year, my brother who had still worked at staples got a call from a customer.  This is what was said.  "HELP ME! my cup holder is stuck!!!!"  "Ma'am, this is the electronics department, we can't help you here."  "But, I have a cup holder on my computer?"  "Where?" "Well, you press this button with a line and an arrow on it, and it opens, it has a hole in the middle."  It took my brother not that long to realize she was talking about the CD player. 

  • 109.  Christmas Blooper:  I was at a girlfriend's home for Christmas one year and we were all 
    opening our gifts, when her Mom - a fairly large woman - pulls out one of her gifts and holds it up for all to admire.  Now me wanting to throw in as many compliments as I could, told her what a beautiful shower curtain she had received.  Guess what? It wasn't a shower curtain, it was a very bright and colorful nightgown.  The entire room went quiet for a moment, then everyone burst into laughter.  I was very careful the rest of the night when giving anymore compliments.

    Reprinted with permission from: The Most Embarrassing Moment of my Life http://www.mostembarrassingmoment.com  

  • 110.  I was a member of a university marching band & we performed a halftime show on a very cold, late-autumn night.  The band director instructed us to wear several layers of warm clothing under our bulky uniforms.  After playing this one certain song, we were to fall back & lie down on the field at the 50 yard line.  Then upon hearing the Drum Major's whistle, we were to stand up & get ready for the next number.  Everything went as planned, but there was uncontrollable laughter coming from the audience.  The guy next to me says, "Look at the Sousaphones!"  Our four sousaphone players had not heard the signal & were just lying there on the field.  When they realized they had missed the cue, they were rolling around on the field trying to get up but couldn't due to their bulky clothing & large instruments.  The director always had our performances filmed from the press box & showed it to us the following week.  That was the funniest thing I've ever seen.

  • 111.  *True Story* I had to do a power point presentation for biology on fossils. Our teacher said she wanted heaps of graphics and stuff on it, so, the weekend before it was due, I was working madly away at my assignment. I was only halfway thru when I realized it was already over 6MB!! I stopped, zipped it and spanned it onto 5 disks, so I could take it to school on the Monday and finish it before it was due (1st period Wednesday). I took the disks in on the Monday and one had an error on it. When I got home I re-zipped it and used new disks, went back to school and accidentally left my _black_ bag in the sun and 2 ended up with errors on them!! by now I was absolutely freaking out. My very helpful computers teacher told me that, when I got home, to split the slide show up into smaller bits and then to send them to him via email and he'd put them back together for me. I got home and started splitting them up, halfway thru the comp froze up so I had to reboot. Then, coz I had a really crappy connection, it took me about 10 tries to log on. Then, while I was online, the connection froze up (as it often did) and I couldn't upload the files. The teacher told me to call before 4:30 and it was now 4:45!!!! I was in a right state then! I managed to finish the presentation, split it onto about 6 disks, take it to school. I asked the teacher for an extension, she gave it to me. Then when I got it onto the school comps they had power point 98 and I had 2000 so some of the pics didn't work!!! I finally fixed it up and I had to get my computers teacher to burn it onto a cd so I could show it on the library comps. On the Friday I had to do it the teacher forgot to bring the disk to class!!! I was sent to the staff room and it was finally found. I finally got to do my presentation and I got top marks!! =D

  • 112.  Ok this isn't an excuse, but was a pretty funny story.  I was working in the office at my school and to keep from walking to the other side of the office to pee, I decided to go to the crappy little on with 2 stalls.  Well a mother and daughter went in and then me.  So the mother went in one stall and didn't know I was going in, but the daughter saw I came in because she was waiting for her mom.  Well, the mom not knowing anyone else was in there, lets out a big fart!  I laughed so hard, silently that I peed and she heard me, and I stayed in the stall until they left. I bet I was more embarrassed than the mom was!!

  • 113.  My best friend and I were in Skeeters and kept flirting with these really hot guys, and then she told me that she had to go to the bathroom, when she came back everyone started to laugh really hard, she had a piece of toilet paper stuck to her shoe... needless to say.  No one has ever let her live it down.

  • 114.  Many years ago my mom had a very small birthday party.  I mean very small.  It was just my dad my mom and I.  Well, my dad decided to buy some of that sparkling juice stuff.  Apparently, he did not know it was carbonated, (I don't know how that one slipped him, but it did) so he shook it!  We were all sitting at the kitchen table with these lame little party visors on, when he opened it!  Oh my goodness, it was like a firework spraying in the kitchen.  You should have seen his face, him with the stupid visor, and all that drink just falling from it.  He had no expression on his face other than-What have I done- he was calm but in disbelief that he had actually shook it!!!  I will never forget that day, it was HILARIOUS!!!!!  

  • 115.  Me and my friend were on a skateboard together at the top of her drive.  She was sitting down and I was standing behind her.  All of a sudden, we started rolling down, and it was very steep.  I closed my eyes and when I woke up I was in the middle of the road facing the opposite direction.  I had blacked out and I noticed loads of people {mostly teenage boys} standing around me.  I was soooooo red!!!

  • 116.  Alright!!  Ok my mom and my 7 year-old sister were at Qin Dynasty, a very elegant restaurant.  My mom has recently experienced an awful stomach illness, and she had to go.  So she paid for the food, since they didn't have a table any longer, she therefore had to take my sister along with her to the restroom.  Well my mom continued with her duties, while my sister exited the bathroom.  My mom got worried and told her to come back.  She screamed across the restaurant,  "NO!!  You have stunk it up too much, mommy!!"  My mom basically wanted to crawl under the sink and die.  Once she was done, and got my little sister and was walking out, she heard roars of laughter coming from most of the restaurant!! HAAA HAA!!  I hope this is as entertaining to me and my family, as it probably will be to yours !! :-D

  • 117.  This is not an excuse but it is fricken funny!  Ok I am in the 8th grade and I was coming in from lunch and after lunch me and my friend like always go into the bathroom and I really had to pee.  And I was going pee and my friend was telling me a REALLY FUNNY story and when I was on the pot she said something funny and I was laughing and I was trying to hold in this fart but I couldn't and it was the loudest fart I have or my friends ever heard and they laughed and it was so funny!!!  And when I came out of the girls bathroom this girl who was in the hall started laughing and said, "I heard that "!!!  We all laughed during 5 period.

  • 118.  On my first day as an MP, my partner and I were approaching an intersection when the car in front of us went flying through a red light.  As I started to pursue the car, my partner reached over and turned on our lights and siren.  Instinctively, I slowed down and pulled over.  When my partner asked what I was doing, I told him I was stopping for the emergency vehicle.  "That's us, you idiot!" he shouted.  "Now go get that car!"

  • 119.  This is soooo embarrassing.  I was in 5th grade and I sat next to a very popular boy, but I didn't like him.  I went to go ask the teacher something and when I sat down I let out a huge fart and the boy laughed at me and told the guy I liked, but luckily the guy didn't believe him.

  • 120.  I was in gym class and we were all doing our sit ups and when I got up from doing them I farted really loud and the boy behind me said ewww to me pointing to this other girl saying she farted.  I was soo happy he didn't find out it was me.

  • 121.  Here's a funny story this was when I was in high school, me and 2 of my friends were waiting to cross the street.  The crosswalk sign was taking quite a while to change so we started talking, one of my friends, we'll call him mike, started talking about rap music while talking he started flashing sign with his hands.  We did not realize that the crosswalk light had now change, so we proceeded to cross the street.  Meanwhile while crossing the street mike is still talking about rap music and still flashing some sign with his hands, all of a sudden halfway across the street we heard somebody honking their horn.  I turn my head to the side I see this redneck dude in a pick-up truck yelling, "Hurry the f*** up you son of a b******", then out of nowhere the redneck dude grabs a handful of biscuits and hurled it toward us.  The biscuit smack mike right in his face, then another biscuit came flying in it bounce off my forehead and hit mike in the face again.  When we finally got to the other side of the road mike is complaining that biscuit had gotten into his eyes and he couldn't see. 

  • 122.  Once my uncle stepped out of his NYC apartment building, a cigarette in one hand and a letter in the other. When he got to the mailbox down the street, he opened it up, threw in the cigarette. When he held the letter to his lips and tried to inhale, he realized what he'd done... 

    Another time he made a quick shopping stop at the drug store, purchasing (among other things) breath freshener and spray deodorant. A cute girl was working the cash register and, trying to be suave, he decided to freshen his breath. He reached into his bag of recent purchases without looking, removed the deodorant, and sprayed directly into his mouth. He didn't think she noticed as she turned back to continue talking to him. Needless to say, he ceased being a good conversationalist as all of the cells in his mouth congealed into a swirling mass of anti-perspirant chemical madness. 

  • 123.  This is not an excuse it is just really funny.  This year ( grade 7) we had the weirdest band teacher.  She is funny and sometimes were not sure she's right to be a teacher because she acts like us!!!!!  But anyway.  This all happened one day in the band room at lunch.  One of the students out of the blue asked Mrs.. Paddock how old she was.  As we were all wondering what she was going to say it didn't come out an age but yet another one of her true but funny story's.  "Well it was one of those days in grade primary when I was so little and all my teacher wanted us to do was to go home that night and for show in tell the next day she wanted us to tell a little bit about ourselves our parents names and ages.  "Well of course the wacky person she is she went home and asked the questions.  Well of course her parents didn't know what it was for.  I mean having two older children already gone through school, they had no idea what she wanted to know for.  So the next day at school it became her turn.  When her teacher asked her there age she said, "Well my mommy's 16 and my daddy's 17.  Well you can guess what happened that night, they got a phone call.

  • 124.  I was waiting in line at motor vehicles to take my driving test for a motorcycle when a car came in with the instructor driving, he looked a bit shaken and this older lady got out and yelled to her husband.  "Harry, the only stop sign on the course and I ran right through it".  We all cracked up.  When my instructor came to me he said, "the idea is DO NOT fall off the bike".

  • 125.  My mum is a doctor at a nearby hospital, and one night she was driving my little sister to her guitar lesson.  They were coming back and the guy in front of them was going reaaaaaally slowly- it was a 40 limit and he was doing about 25.  So Mum presses the horn several times.  A couple of minutes later, the guy pulls over and gets out of his car.  He comes stamping along to Mum's car in a rage.  My little sister thinks he's got a baseball bat or a gun or something.  So Mum winds down the window and says "It's a 40 limit, why the f**k were you doing 25??"  Then the guy has the cheek to moan at HER because he says she was tailgating!  Later, they were driving along the dual carriageway and he overtakes.  Mum gets thoroughly pissed off and zooms in front of him at 100mph in front of a lorry and luckily makes it.  The guy gives the fingers and turns off towards a village.  The next day, she was working at the hospital and she thought she recognized one of her patients.  She checked his notes, and sure enough, he was from that village.  She was reading his medical history and the guy's had a couple of broken bones and a vasectomy (yes, this is true!).  She's about to anaesthetize him (to put him to sleep before an operation), and instead of calming him down about the anesthetic injection, she says, "Okay, this is going to hurt."  The guy looks a bit uneasy, and he's looking at her face in a strange way.  He says, "Hey, how long is this going to take?"  "Oh, don't worry," my mum says.  "I do everything quickly.  Especially driving."  And with that, she stuck the needle in.  She still tells me what the look on his face was like!!

  • 126.  When I was in 5th grade (I'm in 7th now) I had watched way too much of the movie Big Daddy.  So as I was cooking pasta, I decided to act like the kid, Julian, from the movie.  I put the steel strainer on my head, and put on a big pair of my dad's boots.  I ran down the hall, yelling, "Help me! Help me! I don't know where I live!"  Of course, as I turned to see my mom's reaction, I tripped on the boots, and fell face first into the open closet door.  I ended up with a scratch on my face and a scraped arm.

  • 127.  Ok one time, I was walking my dog, and this is very true it was hot and a guy was following me with a bottle of water, now I realize I am not the brightest guy on the block, but hey I was very thirsty so I asked him for a drink he said sure, but not from the water bottle.... hmm I was clueless as to what he meant.  So I said... ok... we kept walking (in the opposite direction now) and we went to an apartment building it was so dark ( and about my dog, I took it home why I didn't get drink there I dunno) anyway he dropped his pants right there.... I was like.. OMG now I knew what he meant by not this water bottle... so I ran home!

  • 128.  It was September 11th's anniversary I decided to fly my American flag outside my house to show my patriotism.  Shortly after returning from the store I realized that my flag was missing and the bracket broken.  Assuming it had been stolen I called to report it stolen.  An hour later my neighbor returned home and I told her the story of how my flag had been stolen.  She then informed me that the wind had been so strong that it broke the flag right off my house.  She had seen it break so she picked the flag up and put it in my house.  It was sitting in my living room as I was filling out the police report the whole time.  How stupid of me!!!!!!

  • 129.  This is not an excuse but really funny.  About a year ago two of my friends (who will remain nameless) decided to buy some adult diapers.  After they put them on the went to Wal-Mart and had a contest to see who could walk around the longest after shiting his pants.  The best part is that he tells people about this.

  • 130.  This is a true story about my husband when he was a boy of about 7 or 8.  He and his brother usually backed each other up, so no one would pick fights with either one, but one day my future brother-in-law was kept after school, and his elder, but smaller brother had to walk the 5 miles home to the farm alone.  Of course, that was the moment the school bully had been waiting for (most likely in revenge for a pummeling he'd received sometime before at the hands of the 2 brothers).  The bully, larger and older than the now lone brother, followed his quarry about a mile before screaming at the top of his lungs and rushing for his intended victim.  But the smaller child stood his ground, quietly picked up a good-sized rock and let it fly, hitting the bully square in the face.  After a moment of stunned silence, the erst-while bully broke into loud wails and ran home shouting a promise to "tell."  That evening my future father-in-law faced the wounded bully and angry, self-righteous parents, whom he had never particularly liked.  (His wife had fled from the scene and took refuge behind a sudden "headache" when the three accusers began their verbal attack.)  Marching indignantly into the front parlor, the mother screeched at my future father-in-law, "Just look at the horrible thing your brat has done.  My little darling has a broken nose, a black eye, and a deep cut on his cheek.  He might have died at the hands of your scoundrel."  Then she demanded that the other boy's father punish his son severely.  My father-in-law had a reputation for being very strict with his sons, and as my husband later told me, he just knew he was in for a good "whuppin", when he was called in to face his dad and the bully, now smirking behind his mother's skirts.  "Son, did you truly hit this bigger, older boy square in the face with a rock?" asked the father.  "Yes...Yes, sir" stuttered the boy, head down awaiting the punishment.  "What in tarnation did you think you were doing!"  insisted the father.  "Looking for a bigger rock!"  The father tried for a moment, unsuccessfully to keep down a grin; then he broke into loud guffaws.  The "whuppin" never happened, and the bully stayed clear of BOTH brothers after that.  At least that's the way it's always told at family reunions.

  • 131.  When I was a new bride, we were pretty poor, so we accepted all "handouts" & "hand-me-downs" from friends & relatives.  One was a toaster that worked fine, except for the release.  Bread would toast, but not pop up. One morning I put bread in the toaster and forgot to monitor it.  I threw the burned toast away just as my new husband came in.  He scolded me for being wasteful and said that "burned & scraped" toast was just fine with him.  A few days later his morning toast burned again, and remembering what he had said, I dutifully tried to scrape all the "burned" off the toast.  Black crumbs flew everywhere, including back onto the toast.  The next thing I knew, my husband was standing in the doorway nearly doubled over with laughter.  In an attempt to rid the toast of the loose black crumbs, I had, without thinking, turned on the water and was rinsing the toast!

  • 132.  This is a funny story one of my friends told me.  When he was in the Marines he went on a trip with another guy in his unit.  They pulled up next to girl at a stop sign so one of them rolled down his window and asked the girl "Do you like it in the ass?"  She asked him what he said so again he he asked her, "Do you like it in the ass?"  She responded with, "Oh yeah!"  They drove away and had to pull off the road they were laughing so hard.

  • 133.  One time my mom and dad were talking about the locks on the new truck my dad bought.  It has the lock that you have on a keychain and push the button on it to lock or unlock them.  Well anyway, my mom asked my dad what would happen if the battery went dead in the keychain lock, and my dad said "Use the Key".

  • 134.  Two years ago at Christmas we had a family party and my best friend had come with me, my parents had gone home and me, my friend, one of my cousins, and one of my aunts decided to go sledding around midnight.  As I was going down the hill I hit a bump and went flying, I landed on, my face and wound up with a concussion, a scraped up face and my front teeth knocked loose.  My mom was really mad until she slipped on the ice and got a concussion the next day forgot why she was mad.

  • 135.  My very creative husband (age 30 at the time) was walking in the house after thanksgiving dinner at his mothers house, carrying a HUGE bowl of gravy. HE DROPPED IT!!!  I was horrified because being the holidays I had just recently steam cleaned my light gray carpets.................. my darling husband then looked all around then pointed down the hallway and shouted "THERE HE GOES, IT WAS THAT PURPLE DINOSAUR AGAIN, I TOLD YOU HE EXISTED, HE JUST KNOCKED THE BOWL RIGHT OUT OF MY HAND!!!"  Of course by then the kids (ages 6,8,10,10, and 12) were in the house, they were in stitches laughing at their dad (taking notes no doubt) and all I could do was laugh right along with them.  So now anytime there is a mishap in my house it gets blamed on the dinosaur!!!

  • 136.  Years back ,having just moved to New York City, I was excited to try out as many different types of foods as I could.  I scoped out lesser known restaurants from local papers.  One day I was very excited about a small write up on a family owned Greek restaurant (I love Greek food) and decided to have lunch there.  It was in a very unfamiliar part of the city but close enough to where I worked.  I wrote down the address the night before on a piece of scrap paper and shoved it in my pocket, making note that the restaurant was on the 2nd floor of a brownstone (not unusual in NYC).  It took me a while but by 12:30 or so I'd found the address and eagerly went up the stairs through an open door.  In the center of a big open room was a single, long table loaded down with truly wonderful looking food.  I stood there for a minute awaiting someone to seat me while the 4 or 5 people seated at the table gawked at me.  Finally a small, heavyset woman , well into old age approached me and promptly slapped me in the face yelling at me in what I assumed was Greek.  A younger man came running from the back of the place and apologized saying that his grandma didn't like strangers in their apartment.  Their apartment?  Whoops, seems I had written the address down wrong and had walked right into the middle of someone's house while Grandma was serving lunch.  I tried to feign an explanation about how my medicine wasn't working as I bolted out of there & headed for a the more familiar "Golden Arches" for lunch.  I never did find that Greek restaurant and wasn't sure that I wanted to.  I remain afraid of restaurants in unfamiliar places to this day.

  • 137.  Well this is for the funny things section.  One night while working at Walmart... Yes Walmart!  I was trying to shake a couple of carts loose.  I finally gave up started to walk away and they just rolled apart!  The next night I tried to get a piece of wood stuck between the the wall and bin, and the same thing.  I gave up and it fell out.  How bout' that?

  • 138.  I was raised Catholic as a young child and every time I had to go to confession, my stomach would rumble and roll like I was going to explode.  Once when I was standing in line with other kids outside of a confessional, waiting for my turn, I thought I would just burst.  Finally I couldn't hold it back any longer and a small, lingering squeal came out from under my skirt.  I panicked and didn't know what else to do so I just leaned forward and looked at the last kid in line (as if she did it) and leaned back against the wall.  Suddenly I realized that it had worked because everyone else was looking at her too!

  • 139.  Last Christmas I was at my best friend's house with some other friends.  I got the bright idea for me and one of my friends to moon another friends digital camera and put the picture on the computer before we left.  The next day I was back over and my friend's dad asks me "What the hell, were you not thinking?"  I was laughing so hard I couldn't respond.

  • 140.  I read a funny story, It was about a woman who was preparing her poodle for a dog contest.  He only had a few minutes until the show started and her dog was wet, so she got out the hair dryer and it wasn’t working, so she put the poodle in the microwave and to her horror the dog exploded.

  • 141.  One night I was bored.  I couldn't sleep.  So I started looking in all my drawers for something to do.  At the bottom of one drawer I found some interesting things - rolls of caps, from my infant school days!  Not having much to do at the time I started scratching them in my hands to make them go off.  I was doing this for a while when I realized something - I was on fire!  One of them had sparked off onto my dressing gown!  I had to take my dressing gown off and stamp on it to put it out.  Then, alerted by my stamping, my mother rushed in to find me stamping on my burning dressing gown, completely naked.  I threw away the rest of the caps.

  • 142.  Last week I trapped myself in the bath room, as I went to open the door the handle fell of so I was trapped in there for one and a half hours until my parents got home.

  • 143.  Once when my sister and I were teenagers, we had our boyfriends over.  She took her boyfriend in the bedroom to fool around, and me and mine hung around the living room.  Then, unexpectedly, our mother came home -- early!  We knew my sister would get busted big time, and so would I for allowing it.  I tried to stall our mom with some conversation, but we started hearing loud voices from the bedroom.  Suddenly the boyfriend bursts out of the bedroom and leaves the house, followed by my sister shouting "and don't come back!"  My mother was so concerned that they had had such a bad fight and tried to console her, ignoring the fact that they had been alone in the bedroom.  Later, I asked her what they had been fighting about.  She confessed that they had staged the fight to fool Mom.  She was so good, she fooled me too!

  • 144.  My 3 year old sister had gotten into my make up and it was all over her.  She told my mom it was a big bug and said it threw my make up at her and then she lead my mom out side to show her that it lives under the deck.

  • 145.  This ain't an excuse, its something really embarrassing that happened to me.  One night, I went for a vigil at my church, this night the church was exceptionally packed full.   Sometime around 2:00am in the morning, the pastor asked us to stand for prayers and we began a long session of prayers.  After a while, I was feeling sleepy so I sat down and continued prayers.  After an hour or so, I heard the pastor say 'stand up and pray', and then I realized I had dozed off for a while.  So I stood up and started mumbling some prayers.   Suddenly I heard a friend whisper in my ear 'sit down, we're not being asked to pray'.  I opened my eyes groggily to realize the whole congregation was sitting down and the pastor was preaching.  All the young guys around me were having a filled day laughing at me.  I was highly highly embarrassed.  After the vigil all my friends (especially the opposite sex) made it a topic of laughter.

  • 146.  We were doing our school musical, Guys and Dolls, and we where on the seen where Sky Masterson and Saras come back from Havannah.  Sky was supposed to say: Look, a doll like you shouldn't get mixed up with a guy like me."  Instead, Sky went: "Look, a guy like you shouldn't get mixed up with a doll like me."  Needless to say, it took a long time for the laughter to die down.

  • 147.  One Christmas my brother got a BB gun and my sister kept telling him that it was not a "real" gun and that it was a gun made for children. (which is what he was at the time)  The more she continued with it not being "real" he looked at her and continued to pump the gun and then shot her in her in the leg and asked her with a grin ... does that feel like a play gun?

  • 148.  I had a new boyfriend and was getting ready to go visit him in the city.  I decided to cut and craft my bikini line and, using my Swiss army knife scissors to trim.  I accidentally cut in the wrong place... cupping myself I waited for the pain to kick in after the shock wore off and after clearing up the blood and finding some comfortable panties so not to damage the area any more, I left my mum's house for London.  Later that day I had a conversation with my mum explaining what I had done and she called me a dirty cow, reason being that she had sat on the toilet and thought there's a lot of cat fur on the floor.

  • 149.  When we were very young my brother was in the garden on a hot sunny day (as were our religious neighbors) and found an old bouncy ball he hadn't seen since the summer before.  He rushed in through the open kitchen door, washed the ball and wiped it on a tea towel to which my mum shouted for the whole world to hear "Dale that's my tea towel its not for wiping your dirty balls on!"

  • 150.  Well, this happened about two years ago at my ex-boyfriends house.  His family and I had eaten dinner together with these beautiful candles in the center of the table.  We went to the TV room for about an hour to watch some TV in the dark.  During the TV show we could see the candles rays next door flickering...  My ex's mom even said, "Wow.. those candles are powerful.. looks like a strobe light!"...  About 10 minutes later my ex's brother got up to go into the kitchen, and the entire table was in flames!  Needless to say, she doesn't use candles

  • 151.  When I was at work, I fell down-and I was holding onto someone's pants.  There pants fell down and they had a thong on.

  • 152.  I was in the bank with my 2 year old son, while I was talking with the clerk I heard a woman screaming so I turned around and there he was he had lifted up a pregnant woman's dress and was standing under it laughing and yelling look everyone she don't wear underwear. She was naked under her dress.  I yelled at him and said wait till I take you to your mom, he replied really loudly but your my mommy.  I was so embarrassed but it was funny.

  • 153.  One day, (In the 5th grade) I was in P.E., and we were talking to the P.E. teacher in a circle, and while we were talking, we paused for a moment, to think about a question the P.E. teacher had given us.  In that awkward silence, one of my friends, (who shall remain nameless) farted out loud.  Then, everyone turned, and looked at her. She looked back at them totally RED!  Then, she goes, "ummmmm......,  I ummmmm...."

  • 154.  One time my mom caught my dad picking his nose she told him don't eat your buggers.  He says there's nothing else to eat around here.  We busted up laughing.

  • 155.  One day, my uncle, my mother, my dad, my brothers, and me, were having a food fight at some restaurant.  Out of no surprise, my uncle started it.  Man was it screwed up.  Corn was everywhere, farting contests, and worst of all, my dad walked over to the desert table, picked up a slice of cake, crammed it in his mouth, and put the plate back on the desert table!  Needless to say, I have a strange family.  Especially
    my uncle!

  • 156.  When I was around 7 I was at a restaurant with my family and I had to go to the bathroom.  Being alone in the bathroom and also being a sneaky little child I decided I wanted to play a trick so I locked all of the stalls and crawled underneath them.  When I got back from the bathroom my mom said that she had to go about 3 minutes later she came storming out of the bathroom screaming, for the whole restaurant to hear, "Erin go unlock those bathroom stalls that was not funny!"  I was so embarrassed I had to go into the bathroom with about 10 ladies waiting for me and I crawled under the stalls to unlock them. It was soo
    embarrassing!!  To this day I still don't know how she knew it was me.

  • 157.  My ex-husband cleaned out the wood stove and put ashes in a paper bag. The garage caught on fire, it burned all the garbage and the lawn mower and scorched the freezer.

  • 158.  Once my dad was fixing his truck and he told me to sit in the cab and push on the brakes when he told me to.  So there I was holding the brakes and he was busy up under the hood Well being the devious child I was I was listening to a song on the radio and it said "Honk, honk honk."  So as instinct I honked the horn and my dad hit his head.  It was so funny but he beat my butt after he got finished having heart failure!!

  • 159.  When I was little, I stood on top of my highchair and danced to Madonna.  Then I took two handfuls of spaghetti and stuffed it into my diaper.

  • 160.  This was roughly about 4 years ago, one rainy day, my moms boyfriend took me and by best friend (who shall remain nameless for pain of death) to Gold's Gym to swim.  Well around 4:30 or so we got hungry so we went to the shower stalls and thought we had grabbed out towels.  But instead we both grabbed out matching white shirts!  Its feels like your doing the 50 yard dash when you don't have your towels and have to run all the way from the showers past the door less halls through the "women's" locker area to where we put out stuff.  The worst part was, a group of really hot guys saw us!

  • 161.  My friend's mom left me and her son alone for a day while her and his 6 sisters when to visit their dying grandpa in the hospital.  Well me and her son are such trouble makers!  I had the baggiest cargo pants on that day ever and I was running around the house in his sisters high heels and had put bright red lipstick on, well I tripped my self and my head went right through there new cabinets!  It was so embarrassing cuz her son couldn't get my head from out of it....  So I laid on the floor with my head in the cabinet for 3 1/2 hours before some was able to get my head out!

  • 162.  The other day I was standing in the lunch line at school when my friend Megan tells me that the guy standing behind us has his fly unzipped.  Sure enough, when I turned around, HELLO!!!!!  We both started cracking up. I  told him and he started screaming like a little girl!  He ran to the bathroom and soon came back as red as his shirt.  Poor guy. (we didn't even know him!) :P

  • 163.  When I was in first grade I was working on some stuff and the whole room was extremely silent (it was reading time). When I sat down on the floor I let out the LOUDEST fart imaginable. Oh my God. I was soooo embarrassed I cried!

  • 164.  When I was younger, I was doing a play & had a mike.  So what happened- I needed too fart, so I put the mike down and farted!  Not ashamed to hear this big ripp!  But ashamed because I got detention!

  • 165.  My friends randy hates bugs with the passion.  One day some funky looking bug landed on me and he started flipping out.  And it was like some sort of bee.  I told him to get it off so he picked up a huge peace of ply wood and tried to hit me with it.  I was screaming at him asking him if he was out of his mind.  So he grabbed a metal specula and smashed it wile it was on my chest.  This left a good welt.

  • 166.  When I was a kid my mum used to keep the burning fireplace ashes in a bucket out the back.  One day she said to me "Go pick up the dog manure and put it in the bucket out the back because the bin was full.  So I went down the back and the only bucket I saw was the bucket with the burning ashes in it so I did as I was told and put the manure in the bucket.  Ten minutes later we were engulfed in the horrible smell of burning dog manure.

  • 167.  One day my friend Leslie and I went to the bathroom to tell my other friend that this guy she likes, likes her, so we were talking to her and we thought she was in the stall and I threw water over the stall at her.  But then my friend Leslie said she just saw Mary ( girl that was supposed to be in the stall) run across the pavement so we ran out to see her.  And Leslie and I were so embraced, and I remembered I threw water over the stall.

  • 168.  We were all at my friends 18th birthday and my best friend was walking with this other girl to go inside, and well all our friends family were inside and my best friend walked smack bang into the glass sliding door.  All our friends family rushed over but to make it worse she blamed it on the girl she was walking with.

  • 169.  DON'T DO THIS!!!  My girlfriend and I decided to go skiing with the local college ski club on their chartered bus.  We left very early in the morning, and I polished off a bottle of champagne in the hour before we stopped for breakfast.  Well, she didn't want to drink anything until after breakfast, so I stored her full 750 ml. bottle of Cold Duck (the sweetest of the carbonated wines) in my daypack under the seat.  Anyway, just after breakfast we were back on the bus, and she agreed that I could open the Cold Duck.  A few things happened very quickly:   

    (1) The plastic cork ++blasted++ off the top of the bottle and +dented+ the aluminum ceiling of the bus! 

    (2) I looked down, and realized that the whole bus was about to have a cold, sticky wakeup splash!

    (3) Being the creative and compassionate sort that I am, I decided to plunge the neck of the bottle into my mouth and try to swallow the Cold Duck that was exploding toward the ceiling.

    (4) As the Cold Duck hit my mouth, I was reminded that I do not like the taste of Cold Duck at the same time I realized that I could not hold the top of the bottle with my lips--I grabbed on with my teeth.

    (5) I held on tight as a hurricane of Cold Duck exploded in my mouth, coming out my nose--I pinched my nose shut! It started coming out around the neck of the bottle--I clamped my lips around the bottle with my other hand!

    (6) The rest of the explosion went on for a short eternity and then subsided as Cold Duck dribbled out my eyes, my nose, and I swear, my ears. . . There was a small puddle (probably about a half a cup) of Cold Duck at my feet. I was groggy, dazed, blinded, and deaf from the rushing sound of carbon dioxide bubbles.

    (7) As I fought back the involuntary tears, I saw that the Cold Duck bottle was now only half full!

    (8) I wiped the tears from my eyes, and looked around at the horrified people alerted by the twin noises of the cork popping like a rifle shot and the incredible 'crack!' of the cork denting the ceiling, at people who +knew+ that they were about to get a carbonated shower.

    (9) They applauded my self-sacrifice!!!

    (10) Because I still did not like the taste of Cold Duck, I handed the rest of the bottle to my girlfriend, and because I was already kinda sloshed from the earlier champagne, I immediately passed out for the remaining two hour trip.  I don't remember how well I skied that day, or even how the trip back was, but nobody gave me any grief, thank goodness!!!

  • 170.  There was this burglar who decided to steel petrol from a mobile home.  It was in the middle of the night so it was pretty dark so he put a tube in the petrol tank and sucked to start the petrol flowing but he accidentally put his tube in the septic tank!  His mouth was full of it!

  • 171.  This isn't an excuse but a funny story.  Me and my grade eight class were coming home from our school trip when we stopped for supper at a restaurant.  And one of my friends not being very bright did not read properly the menu and when he did not see just a plain hamburger there (How can you screw up reading a menu) he proceeded to order a cheeseburger with no cheese needless to say the teachers have not let him live it down.

  • 172.  The other day I drove by a nursing home and saw a few old men walking around outside.  None looked all that excited to be there, who could blame them.  Then I saw the sign with the name of the place "Bent Wood". It's true, in St. Louis, MO... No wonder
    those old men seemed unhappy!

  • 173.  Me and my mate decided to play a joke on someone and put a fiver on a pile of sh*t.  Hiding in a shop we watched as people ignored the fiver.  then some guy picked it up, put it in his pocket and slapped his girlfriend a high five. hilarious

  • 174.  This is not an excuse but, when I was 11 in 5th grade in 2004 I was at softball practice and I was up to bat.  There was a cute boy in the 6th grade behind me as catcher.  When I swung I let out a HUGE fart, and everyone laughed.  All my friends thought the cute boy made the noise so everyone would laugh at me, but it was ME.  Since, I had gotten back from Mexico the day before, I told everyone I got sick because of drinking the water there.  But the 6th grader on 3rd base would make a farting sound with his hand and mouth every time I saw him. My friends and I just laugh.

  • 175.  In fifth grade I was sitting and reading a book wile every body was silent, I suddenly farted and turned around.  Everyone was looking at me!  So I turned to the person next to me ( her name was Jenny) and said "Jenny!" as if she had farted!  So they thought that it was her!  WOOPS!

  • 176.  I was in the pre-surgery room waiting to have a double mastectomy.  I had been given some valium when the nurses were informed my surgeon was called in for an emergency surgery and they would not be able to operate on me for several hours.  I went to sleep and was awaken by the doctor some hours later.  As is the custom in hospitals now, he asked me what surgery I was having - I replied " a double vasectomy". The doctor and nurses were still laughing when I woke up in recovery.

  • 177.  My husband called me at work one day mad as hell. I could make out "don't ever buy tub cleaner in a can that looks like hairspray"!  He had accidentally sprayed his head wit "scrubbing bubbles".

  • 178.  This isn't an excuse but it's pretty funny!  One Friday night my cousin and I had some people over her apartment for a little party.  Well as it got later, we were all feeling a little tipsy, okay a lot tipsy.  Anyway I had to go to the bathroom and my cousin had to go too, but the large bathroom was being used by someone, so we went in her bedroom bathroom. Well this bathroom is VERY small, and it's literally a foot away from the shower.  So I enter the bathroom first and as she enters, she shuts the door, and her butt/hips hit me and I fly into the bathtub, taking the shower curtain and rod with me.  We were both laughing so hard! And the funny thing is, I'm so drunk I couldn't get out of the bathtub!  So I'm asking her to help me, and instead she runs outside into the living room and calls everyone into the bathroom and tells someone to bring the camera.  Then when I finally get out, we found that I had cracked/bent the shower rod in half!  It was hilarious and I have pictures to prove it!

  • 179.  I'd have to say the most embarrassing moment of my life was when I was about 13.  I had a really heavy flow of my period, and we were doing a lab in science class.  My teacher would not let me leave to go to the bathroom, saying, "just wait until the experiment is over" I waiting, sitting in this yellow chair.  When it was finally over, I got up quickly to go change, but it was too late, "LOOK! (anonymous) SAT ON A RED CRAYON!" yelled my biggest crush.  I was mortified.

  • 180.  One day I went on the bus after work feeling really tired, when I got on I realized there was no seats.  So I spot a handle bar at the back of the bus and decide to sit there for the rest of the journey, as I was getting close to my house I realized the bus was empty so I was quite comfortable and decided to stay put, but I realized that it was getting comfier, and just as I was ready to get up a man then put his hand on my shoulder and said excuse me miss this is my stop could you please get up of my knee.  I was sssoooo embarrassed!  L xxxx

  • 181.  My friend and I were a bit worse for wear one night and, having decided that we were going to get some food from the 24 hour Deli round the corner, thought that we should ask our friends if they would like anything while we were there.  One of them said that we should just get him anything.  Okay.  So I managed to persuade the bamboozled lady behind the counter to put a raw black pudding and some bbq sauce on a roll!!  Lovely.  So we return to the house and, upon receiving his tasty treat he proceeds to demolish the whole thing, to the great surprise and amusement of my friend and I!!!!  He does not know to this day what he consumed that night but did tell us to get him another the last time we went to he Deli!

  • 182.  Well, one day, me and my mom were having an argument about me not completing my
    homework on time (regular teenager stuff) and I came up with a good excuse, which made her angry, because she wasn't right.  So on her way out of my room, (since the door was closed and right behind her) she slammed straight into the door, face first.  I was practically crying with laughter.  What's even funnier, is that she stood there for about one minute.  She then turned around and asked me what was so funny.  This made me laugh harder.  I think she failed to realize she had just walked into a door!

  • 183.  My 6 year old and I decided to go roller-skating one afternoon.  I had put my skates on in the house, we had steep stairs.  I thought if I was careful, I could get down the stairs no problem.  On the very first step, my daughter yelled don't fall mom!!!  There I went, tumbling down the stairs and put my head thru the wall.  Needless to say my Landlord wasn't too happy!

  • 184.  I'm seventeen and I'm pretty clueless.  I was working at this awesome summer camp last year, and all of us counselors were standing around in the morning talking.  One of the guys in my cabin was complaining how restlessly he had been sleeping on those silly little springy mattresses.  I had heard him tossing, turning, and falling off the bed the night before and I was still groggy so I came out with "Yeah, you were pretty violent in bed last night."  A long pause then laughter, and he turned beet red.  A confused moment later and clueless little me was mortified for the rest of the week.

  • 185.  I went home on leave from the navy, after a few years in and having made a few patrols on submarines.  Dad teased me about what subs do to men a bit, but I didn't get upset so the joke died.  I was hanging around in the drug store one day, up in the pharmacy area that's usually raised, when Dad called my attention to a customer.  I got up and looked down the aisle.  Petite form, long blonde hair, and a very high, nice ass.  We both made appreciative noises about the woman we were looking at.  Then she turned around.  She was a he, with a long goatee on his chin.  We made blecha-blecha noises, recanted interest, the usual guy stuff.  Then he turned back around.  I shook my head and said 'But that is a very nice ass.'  Dad didn't turn his back on me for two years.

  • 186.  One night in college, my friends and I decided to drink a little and go out.  I didn't want a big dinner, but I was hungry, so I fixed some tuna and crackers.  We went to our guy friends house and were all listening to music and hanging out in his room, which was rather small.  There were probably 3 girls and 5 guys there.  We had a few beers, but had to drink rather quickly because they wanted to head to the bar.  After I chugged the last of my beer, I had this huge rumbly burp but it just stayed in my chest.  It was the strangest feeling, and I turned to tell my friend what happened.  But when I started talking she had this horrific look on her face and was waving her hand in front of her because it smelled so bad.  We were laughing in the corner of the room, and a few minutes later the guys were doing the same thing, waving their hands because it smelled so bad.  They asked who farted, and me and my friend were laughing so hard because I cleared the room with the smell of my burp.  Beer and Tuna fish are a horrible combination!

  • 187. I don't have a excuse but I do have a funny story my m8 told me, my friend was on college green and she seen a fit lad with a badge on his hat that sed 'TWAT', so she shouts out 'let me ave ur twat!' once she realized wot she sed she quickly replied saying Badge... please!. I was chuckling to myself for ages afta dis!

  • 188. To celebrate the birthday of one of our group, several friends and I went out to dinner, including one of our Muslim friends who never drank. We convinced him to try his first sip of wine in honor of his friend's birthday. The guy seated beside "Josh" had stepped away to the restroom when we finally convinced "Josh" to try a sip. When he did, he immediately spit it back into the wine glass, then spit about 5 more times before rinsing his mouth with soda, then spitting the soda into the wine glass. When our other friend returned from the restroom, he picked up "Josh's" wine glass with the comment, "I'll drink it since he's not going to." He downed the whole thing in one gulp before we could tell him what he was drinking. When we told him he'd just had a glass full of Josh's backwash, the look on his face was priceless and all he could mumble was, "At least there was some alcohol in that."

  • 189. My boyfriend told me to get dressed this usually means we are going out to the local bar, so here I am in heels and a short dress ready to hop in his brand new truck. He says we're taking the weekend warrior instead. Picture this an antique CJ7 with REALLY over sized tires and soft doors and top covered in fresh mud only on the outside. I get in without a hitch which is amazing because I'm only 5'1" 100 lbs.. We get to the honky-tonk and there is a huge crowd outside. My honey comes around and opened the door. Some how my skirt attached to the hook handle and its a long way to the ground. The door swings out pulling me with it and putting my dress somewhere around my armpits. On the way down I got mud all over me trying to stop gravity. I got it in my hair and all over everything. The whole crowd just started cracking up. I must have turned six shades or red. My honey apologizes every day to me for that. and no longer opens the jeep door for me until I do a check and give a thumbs up.

  • 190. This isn't an excuse... but a VERY funny story. When I was young, about 7 or so,
    my little sister and I had a swing set in the backyard. We went out to play one fine day. My sister (currently 5 at the time) pulled out her trike, and started to ride it. I had a suggestion to do something with the trike. Choicely... put it on the slide, and ride it down. Well, there's a fence facing the slide. We were young, and didn't consider it. So, I managed to get it situated at the top of the slide. well.. I didn't ride that thing! but she did! All you heard was a dull (THUMP!) as her head hit the fence. 6 stitches later, we got rid of the swing set, for good.

  • 191. This is a funny story- Once while my mum was out me and my friend decided to make toffees. We totally burnt the mixture so we stupidly (to hide it from my mum) put the remaining extremely hot liquid in a plastic shopping bag, it of course burnt through the bag. The dumbest part was when taking it to the downstairs bin I was swinging the bag ( I didn't know it was eating through the bag) around and it went all over the walls and stairs. Me and my friend where scrapping toffee of the walls and floors with sharp knifes for like 4 hours.

  • 192. The Garden Dwarf Story! Two of my friends were bored on a wonderful Saturday night. They got in car, drove to Orleans Island ( it's in Quebec City ), enjoyed the sight, then, seeing a beautiful garden dwarf (it was not a garden dwarf, but a little black (dressed like a New-Orleans Slave) who sits on stairs)(I'm sorry for that, I am really not racist) So they decided to take it with them. The day after, I woke up, got breakfast, and what did I find? A little black who was just having good time sitting on my stairs! So, I asked my cotenants : Hey, where this funny guy come from? They didn't know. So, we called some of our friends to discover the thing. But, my brother was working in a restaurant on the Island at this time. And one of his customers complained about his garden dwarf being stolen. So we have a good laugh when my brother saw the thing on my stairs and knew the whole story. It's not all ! The same bored friends, on another Saturday night, decided to take it with them in a bar, and they took pictures with it, just like in the French Movie (Le fabuleux Destin d'Amélie Poulain). So we found that our little funny guy was missing from us this time, and we learn what happened and saw the pics. They put it back again on our stairs. So we share a good laugh again on the little fellow! But some weeks after, someone so evil, un-respectful of his fellow citizens, decided that it was his time for glory, and stole it from us. We were so sad. End of the story.

  • 193. One time me and a friend were walking up her humongous driveway and her belt had broken or something and her pants would not stay up. Her neighbor a hot and handsome young man was washing his car in the driveway next to hers. when we started up her huge driveway her pants fell down and the man in the other driveway was watching! I started laughing my head off while she pulled up her pants and walked up the driveway like nothing happened.

  • 194. In 5th grade during gym we played basketball. I wanted to be the hero so I took the game winning three- pointer. I made it. So I left my hand in the air, thinking I was so cool. I looked around and everyone was laughing. I looked down and realized that my pants fell down. That's not the worst part. I had on no underwear! So there I stood with lower half showing and I got hard. It was the worst day of my life.

  • 195. One time my little brother who was about 7 at the time came home from school excitedly. He comes up to me and my mom and says, "hey I can count all the way up to 100!" Me and my mother look at him and told him how great that is and so he starts to count. Finally he gets up to 98 and say "98,99 .....um...um What comes after 100."

  • 196. Blonde moment Utica, NY.. (Actually surprised I wasn't on the news or even in the paper) Wish I took a picture of this. My x can vouch for it thou. I just got off work. Snow had to be about 13 inches that day and snow plows making snow mountains on both sides of your driveway. Anyways, I don't get off work until about 4AM so I guess it was good thing no one noticed. I use to own a small feiro and I couldn't get the car in the driveway so there was an empty lot across from where I lived. I gunned my engine and drove so fast across the street to get over the hump. Needless to say I managed to drive straight to the top of the mountain with all 4 wheels off the ground....I go in the house and wake up my x and I said "Hunny, We have a problem. A big problem." And he was like "What's wrong?" So I told him "You'll have to go outside to see for yourself to understand"...Here I am staying in the house and I think it took him about 6 hours to get the car down. LMAO! Him freezing his ass off while I'm in the house staying warm. hehehe Funny and cruel! LOL!

  • 197. (911 Call) Another funny one (Blonde moment) :) First time up in Jersey and wanted to surprise my dad. (Forgot to bring his address with me)I was coming up from S.C. after work and I figured $100; I should be okay to get there. (Wrong) I get all the way up there with with no problems. Except for Two...Didn't know where he lived and I was running out of gas. (No thanks to the toll guys making me go in circles and they kept charging for every circle and u-turn. Almost owed $60 in toll fees by the time they got done with me.) Anyways, I am finally out of gas and I make it to the Vince Lombardi Rest area. At the time; I had no cell (didn't believe in them), Had no more change left (because by this time I owed for the tolls), Couldn't get my C.C. cards or Debit card to work on the stupid phone. So, I was like last resort..911.. lol I didn't want to be a statistic because my dad had no clue I was even coming up there. So I called the cops and asked them to make a phone call for me. Oh no, what they do they send out 2 cruisers just to make a phone call. So, the Officer is already irate with me. Officer: "Your 31 and you need us to call your dad because your lost and out of gas" and I was "uh huh" ;p Told him this was my first time in N.J. and I didn't think it be this difficult...So my dad answers and says "That it's not his kid and doesn't know the name" (I think the officer said my name wrong...So I insisted he call again and this time say "Is the blonde chick your daughter" and almost instantly he was like "Oh, yeah what she do now?" lol ;p...Officer: "She's lost and out of gas". My dad was there within the hour to pick me up. Come to find out I was only an hour away from him. Not bad for not knowing where I was going. I know those officers had a story to tell back at the office. We caught ourselves a stupid blonde...I'm sure they have had worse blondes to deal with. hehe Hey, If it wasn't for them keeping an eye out for me until my dad got there. Who knows what would have happened to me but I'm not statistic no thanks to those officers. So, here's my "THANK YOU" if your reading this. I appreciated it. :)

  • 198. One time when my friend and I were driving away from Papa John's (a pizzeria) we saw the delivery guy leaving in front of us. He was driving a really nice car, a mustang, but he was going so slow! So I said to my friend "why is he driving so slow??? He's driving a freakin mustang!" and she replies (dead serious) "Isn't there some law that delivery guys have to go the speed limit?" At this I said to her "Umm isn't there some law that EVERYBODY has to go the speed limit???" I totally started cracking up and she still gets so mad every time I bring that story up.

  • 199. It was senior year when my 3 friends and I were hanging out at my friend Morgan's house. It was a nice day so we were pretty wound up and had been running inside and outside all day and for the majority of the day the sliding screen door had been open. My one friend, not realizing that Morgan's dad had closed the screen door, got so excited to go out on the trampoline that not only did she run into the screen, she ran through the screen and totally broke it and bent the frame. I swear it was the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life.

  • 200. I have a mom that I've seen once (since I've been born) up in Indiana. So I figured since I was on my way to NY for a show, I would stop by in Indiana to go find her. I met her when I extremely little and I thought I remember the road she was on. Boy was I wrong. Anyways, I get into Evensville and I thought this road looked familiar so I took it thinking it's the road that leads to her house. Oh No, it led to a cornfield and one my tire gets stuck in this ditch so no one to call-"no cell", "far from help" and "I'm starting to freak out".. ;p Almost getting dark outside and here I am thinking about that movie "Children of the Corn" ;p So, I start filling and packing dirt as fast I can to try to get this tire to get out of the "Sink of a hole" and I finally get it after like 3-4 hours by myself filling dirt. I finally get the car going and out of there and I was like the hell with trying to meet my mom I'm staying on the pavement and just kept going to NY......;p Yeah, my ass was scared that day and figured it really wasn't worth meeting her again. She never cared about me so why should I.. So went back home to dad. (I was like 24 at the time). Love you DAD! I admit I am a dumbass blonde that has a dad that will always bail her out. "Daddy's little girl"...Hey never a dull moment and always a handful. hehehe..;p

  • 201. Well me and my wife were making love in bed. Our son came in and saw us without us knowing. He went on the bed and we still didn't notice because the lights were turned off. Then he must have thought it was like a game that adults play and put his hand in my wife's... well you know the rest.

  • 202.  When I was about ten years old, my brother and I went to McDonalds. We ate our lunch and decided to go inside the play area with the tubes in it. So my brother went in first and right before he went in, which we didn't realize a kid had went to the middle of the play area (IN THE TUBES) and peed in it. So of course someone was going to crawl through it sooner or later, and so my brother crawled right threw it. It was really funny, and he still remembers it!

  • 203. The day of my 21st birthday I was riding in the truck with my dad. I asked him to pull into a store so I could buy my first case of beer at legal age. So he pulls in and I jump out and run into the store. When I come out I put the beer in the back of the truck and hop in to the passenger seat. I close the door, look up and there is this guy sitting there I have never seen before. I said "You are not my dad". He looks at me weird and says" You are not my wife. I look over in the truck next to the one I am sitting in and my dad is laughing so hard. So I get out of this guys truck very embarrassed. I grab my beer out of the back of his truck and get into my dads truck. I still get laughed at over this. But the trucks were Identical.

  • 204. This is a funny story that happened to me just last week. I work for a courier company and we pick up a lot of parts for airplanes and have to deliver them usually to an airline so they can get to their city ASAP. Well with all the TSA security measures all packages tendered at the airlines either have to be manually inspected, x-rayed, sniffed by a bomb dog or they have this little stick thing that turns purple if there are explosives in the box. So anywho I had to tender one of these packages and I horse around with the guys all the time and one of the guys says to the other make sure you use the stick thing on the box...we me being funny to only me most of the time said" Well I better get out of here before you detect the explosives in the box" needless to say a police officer with a bomb sniffing dog had walked in behind me right before my "little joke"...he didn't find it very funny and made the dog sniff the box. needless to say there weren't any explosives in the box but the guys have been razzing me all week about keeping my comments to myself :)

  • 205. I work in an automobile dealership in the service department. We have an individual to do the auto detailing for all the new vehicles. Well one day our bookkeeper needed him to perform some other tasks as part of his job. Well she went to look for him and was unable to locate him. After about 30-45 minutes she went back to the detail shop. Low and behold there he was, lock in the back seat of a four door Jeep Wrangler. Seems the as he was detailing the inside of the Jeep in the back seat he had closed the doors. The doors have child safety locks so they can't be opened while children are in the back seat. He had to be "Locked" in the back for at least an hour, because no one knew or had seen the man for that time. The bookkeeper found him flailing his arms yelling he couldn't get out. The thought never occurred to the man to simply crawl over the seat and get out the front door. This is not the only time this individual has done something like this to bring a smile or laugh to what could be just another boring day at work. More to follow as they happen.

  • 206. One Time when I was 6 I had to go to the bathroom really bad at like at 9:00 at night back then my bed time was at 6:30. So I went to the bath room and I was just so tired that I fell asleep on the bathroom floor, then I woke up about 3 in the morning and I heard my parents calling my name. So just to be mean to them I locked my bathroom door and at the time you didn’t have a key that you could get in. So after I locked to door I acted like I was sleeping and I started fake snoring so my parents could get a hint of where I was. Then I heard my dad knocking on the bathroom door. And the next thing I know I hear this really loud ripping noise and I look up to find that my dad had kicked the door down and it landed on top of be. I got a big bruise in my head and that really hurt.



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Last modified: 08/20/09