• 1.  But the doughnut was calling my name.
  
   
• 2.  I felt left out because they were eating.
  
   
• 3.  But it was my birthday, so I had to eat the whole cake.
  
   
• 4.  The kids over seas are starving, so naturally I have to clean my plate.
  
   
• 5.  I had to get the bitter taste out of my mouth from eating the so-called dish, so I had a ice cream.
  
   
• 6.  If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
  
   
• 7.  If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
  
   
• 8.  When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.
  
   
• 9.  Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
  
   
• 10.  If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
  
   
• 11.  Movie related foods (Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.
  
   
• 12.  Cookie pieces contain no fat-- the process of breaking causes fat leakage. Exception: Cookies sold by TEXAS D'LITES distributors. Great "Meal Replacement" with little or no FAT content, low in calories, lots of fiber, protein, and other nutritional ingredients.
  
   
• 13.  Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.
  
   
• 14.  Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
  
   
• 15.  Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and Popsicles.
  
   
• 16.  Only eat things that have been broken into pieces; that way, all the calories fall out.
  
   

Hi friends, Madtbone here! Kate Purcell has submitted a bunch of diet humor which I'll list below. I hope you enjoy them!
 

• My appetite is my shepherd
  
  My appetite is my shepherd, I always want.
  It maketh me sit down and stuff myself.
  It leadeth me to my refrigerator repeatedly,
  Sometimes during the night.
  It leadeth me in the path of Burger King for a Whopper.
  It destroyeth my shape.
  Yea, though I knoweth I gaineth, I will not stop eating,
  For the food tasteth so good.
  The ice cream and the cookies, they comfort me.
  When the table is spread before me, it exciteth me.
  For I knoweth that I sooneth shall dig in.
  As I filleth my plate continuously,
  My clothes runneth smaller.
  Surely bulges and pudgies shall follow me
  All the days of my life.
  And I shall be "pleasingly plump" forever.
  
  Let's eat!
  
  author unknown
  
  Kate Purcell, RN
  
  
   
• How To Lie To The Bathroom Scale
  
  1.  Weigh yourself with clothes on, after dinner... as well as in the morning, without clothes, before breakfast, because it's nice to see how much weight you've lost overnight.
  
  2.  Never weigh yourself with wet hair.
  
  3.  When weighing, remove everything, including glasses. In this case, blurred vision is an asset. Don't forget the earrings, these things can weigh at least a pound.
  
  4.  Use cheap scales only, never the medical kind, because they are always five pounds off...to your advantage.
  
  5.  Always go to the bathroom first.
  
  6.  Stand with arms raised, making pressure on the scale lighter.
  
  7.  Don't eat or drink in the morning until AFTER you've weighed in, completely naked, of course.
  
  8.  Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for at least half a pound of hair (hopefully).
  
  9.  Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale (air has to weigh something, right?).
  
  10.  Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto the towel rack in front of you, slowly edge your other foot on and slowly let off of the rack. Admittedly, this takes time, but it's worth it. You will weigh at least two pounds less than if you'd stepped on normally.
  
  author unknown
  
  Kate Purcell, RN
  
   
• THE RULES OF CHOCOLATE
  
  ~ If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
  
  ~ Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
  
  ~ The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
  
  ~ Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.
  
  ~ A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
  
  ~ If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer.
  
  ~ But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?
  
  ~ If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves. 
  
  ~ If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?
  
  ~ Money talks. Chocolate sings.
  
  ~ Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
  
  ~ Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
  A. Because no one wants to quit.
  
  ~ Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
  
  ~A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?
  
  ~If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?
  
  ~If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top  pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?
  
  I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
  
  author unknown
  
  Kate Purcell, RN
  
   
• A Diet Prayer
  
  Lord, My soul is ripped with riot
  incited by my wicked diet.
  "We Are What We Eat," said a wise old man!
  and, Lord, if that's true, I'm a garbage can.
  
  I want to rise on Judgment Day, that's plain!
  but at my present weight, I'll need a crane.
  So grant me strength, that I may not fall
  into the clutches of cholesterol.
  
  May my flesh with carrot-curls be sated,
  that my soul may be poly unsaturated
  And show me the light, that I may bear witness
  to the President's Council on Physical Fitness.
  
  And at oleomargarine I'll never mutter,
  for the road to Hell is spread with butter.
  And cream is cursed; and cake is awful;
  and Satan is hiding in every waffle.
  
  Mephistopheles lurks in provolone;
  the Devil is in each slice of baloney,
  Beelzebub is a chocolate drop,
  and Lucifer is a lollipop.
  
  Give me this day my daily slice
  but, cut it thin and toast it twice.
  I beg upon my dimpled knees,
  deliver me from jujubees.
  
  And when my days of trial are done,
  and my war with malted milk is won,
  Let me stand with Heavenly throng,
  In a shining robe--size 30 long.
  
  I can do it Lord, If You'll show to me,
  the virtues of lettuce and celery.
  If You'll teach me the evil of mayonnaise,
  of pasta a la Milannaise
  potatoes a la Lyonnaise
  and crisp-fried chicken from the South.
  
  Lord, if you love me, shut my mouth.
  --
  Author: Victor Buono , who appeared in "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane".
  
   
• Daily Exercise for the Non-Athletic
  
  Calories can be burned by the hundreds by engaging in strenuous
  activities that do not require physical exercise.
  
  Exercise..............................Calories burned per hour
  
  Beating around the bush.....................................75
  
  Jumping to conclusions......................................100
  
  Climbing the walls............................................150
  
  Swallowing your pride.........................................50
  
  Passing the buck................................................25
  
  Throwing your weight around
  (depending on your weight)...........................50-300
  
  Dragging your heels..........................................100
  
  Pushing your luck.............................................250
  
  Making mountains out of molehills......................500
  
  Hitting the nail on the head................................50
  
  Wading through paperwork................................300
  
  Bending over backwards.....................................75
  
  Jumping on the bandwagon...............................200
  
  Balancing the books..........................................25
  
  Running around in circles..................................350
  
  Eating crow....................................................225
  
  Tooting your own horn.......................................25
  
  Climbing the ladder of success..........................750
  
  Pulling out the stops.........................................75
  
  Adding fuel to the fire......................................160
  
  Wrapping it up at the day's end..........................12
  
  To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including:
  
  Opening a can of worms ...................................50
  
  Putting your foot in your mouth........................300
  
  Starting the ball rolling.....................................90
  
  Going over the edge.........................................25
  
  Picking up the pieces......................................350
  
  Let's all get out there and burn some calories!
  
  
  REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS
  
   
• 17.  Overheard at McDonald's.... " There are no calories in this.  Look how small these chicken nuggets are and there are so few of them.  I eat them every day."
  
   
• 18.  'Eat off someone else's plate.  The calories don't count if its not your food.'  Words of wisdom from Rach. 
  
   
• 19.  I can't start a diet today.  It's not Monday and everybody knows diets don't work unless they are started on a Monday, (unfortunately every Monday in my case!)  So I'll just have to pig out for the next 6 days and wait for Monday to roll round again.
  
   
• 20.  I can't afford to buy the new clothes that I'll need if I lose weight so I'll just have to stay this size!
  
   
• 21.  I was just testing your ice cream in case it had gone off, and I didn't want you to be sick!  I wasn't certain so I had to keep having another spoonful to make sure.
  
   
• 22.  By the time I'm thin fat will be in!!!
  
   
• 23.  It wasn't a chocolate éclair, it was a funny looking stick of celery!
  
   
• 24.  If you don't finish the donut, then it's calories don't add to your list from Weight Watchers.
  
   
• 25.  If you eat the broken biscuits, the calories have all leaked out.
  
   
• 26.  I'm not Overweight, I'm Undertall!
  
   
• 27.  I'm not fat, I just retain water. I f I could take a 12-hour pee, I'd be ripped.
  
   
• 28.  Since round is a shape, I can eat more to get in shape.
  
   
• 29.  I have just been onto your Web Site and found it really interesting and thought I would send you the best excuse that I have heard as a Weight Watcher Leader, when weighing a member in at the scales.
  
  The member had gained weight and when asked - "do you know why this has happened" she quickly replied - "yes, I went to McDonalds and had a large Big Mac Meal, and I forgot I was on Weight Watchers"
  
  And believe it or not, the woman was genuine that she had forgot.... Bless her.
  
   
• 30. I'm a weight loss coach, my diet excuse is the one I saw on a poster of a large panda, in my doctor's office. The caption was: "I'm not fat; I'm just fluffy."
  
   
• 31. If you chew your food long enough you will kill the calories.
  
   
• 32. My doctor said I shouldn't over starve myself.
  
   
• 33. I went ahead and ate the rest today, so I can be good tomorrow.
  
   
• 34. I'm not sure if you already have this one, but here it goes: If you put your food, be it cake or vegetables, on a treadmill before you eat it, it has less calories. Shape it up anyway you want. i just thought of it watching biggest loser. I don't know if it was lodged somewhere in my brain already or not, but yeah. so there you go.
  
   
• 35. I was too busy to go on a diet, I had to walk the dog, do the cleaning, pick up the children from school... after that I was soo tired I had to have an entire packet of chocolate biscuits or I would have been too tired to order the takeaway pizza for tea.
  
   

Well friends this is all for now.  I hope you enjoy this place and please go to the Submit Excuses page and send your excuses in!

If you like this web site, please Email a link to your friends.

Madtbone