The Mother Of All Excuses Place

Missing Church Excuses

Well for those who most of the time go to church, but now and then have to miss a Sunday, here is a collection of excuses that have been submitted and approved by God....just kidding! I have receiving a lot of excuses for missing church so it is time for it's own page....enjoy but remember God is watching you!

1. You should start a page about why people miss church. I'm sure there must be a million. You could start with, I missed church because I had to go fishing. Or how about, " I missed church because junior had a cold. I guess the whole family had to stay home just to blow that poor kid's nose! Or another would be, I missed church because I got up late, again. I could go on and on. This would make a great page!


2. Well...I could not come to the church last Sunday... because there was a sermon in the radio... ;)


3. I had to miss Church because the kids wanted to sleep in. Excuse: I couldn't go to church today because I had a flat on the car and didn't think we could all fit in the truck.


4. Excuse for skipping church: Real Mysterious Sounding "I just had this feeling I shouldn't be there."


5. NO EXCUSE SUNDAY: DEDICATED TO MISSING CHURCH ATTENDEES! To make it possible for everyone to attend church this Sunday, we are going to have a special "No Excuse Sunday": Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say, "Sunday is my only day to sleep in." There will be a special section with lounge chairs for those who feel that our pews are too hard. Eye drops will be available for those with tired eyes from watching TV late Saturday night. We will have steel helmets for those who say, "The roof would cave in if I ever came to church." Blankets will be furnished for those who think the church is too cold, and fans for those who say it is too hot. Scorecards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites present. Relatives and friends will be in attendance for those who can't go to church and cook dinner, too. We will distribute "Stamp Out Stewardship" buttons for those that feel the church is always asking for money. One section will be devoted to trees and grass for those who like to seek God in nature. Doctors and nurses will be in attendance for those who plan to be sick on Sunday. The sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who never have seen the church without them. We will provide hearing aids for those who can't hear the preacher and cotton wool for those who think he's too loud! Hope to see you there!


6. Here's a rather interesting excuse for not going to church that my friend Sharon gave me: Church gives me gas!


7. [Substitute words as appropriate for your own religious holidays and practices]: "Rabbi, you kept us til almost 4:00 PM last Rosh Hashanah, so I ain't busting my baytzim to get out of bed to come here on time."


8. I've worked all week so I'm too tired to go!


9. The preacher moves around to much.


10. There are no people my age so I'm not going.


11. They don't meet my needs.


12. There are too many hypocrites in church.


13. There are too many sinners in church.


14. I'm too young - I'll go when I'm too old to have any more fun.


15. It's boring.


16. I'm not good enough.


17. I'm still a sinner.


18. I'll go to church after I stop smoking.


19. I'll go to church after I stop drinking.


20. I'll go to church after I stop cussin'.


21. I still go to the bars on Saturday night.


22. I like to party.


23. I work seven days a week.


24. I don't have time for God.


25. I work six days a week. The seventh day belongs to me.


26. Ain't got time.


27. I work lots of overtime....so I'm too tired to worship God.


28. The Sabbath day is Saturday, not Sunday.


29. I don't get up in time on Sunday morning.


30. I have nothing to wear.


31. I don't think I really believe in God.... I'm just not sure.


32. I don't believe in God.


33. I listen to church on the radio.


34. I attend church by watching it on TV.


35. I watch Billy Graham every week.


36. I belong to the 700 club; that's good enough.


37. I don't do nothing bad, so I'm goin' to heaven anyway.


38. My family can get me into heaven after I'm dead.


39. I'll get religion when I get to purgatory.


40. I'll get religious in my next life.


41. I don't understand what's goin' on anyway.


42. I can't follow what they do, so why should I just sit there.


43. I can't afford to give anything, and I don't want to be embarrassed.


44. I don't want to put anything in the plate.


45. Why should I give my money to some church?


46. I don't want to be around a bunch of bible thumpers.


47. The service is too long.


48. The sermon is too long.


49. I don't like them serving wine every two weeks.


50. I don't like them serving grape juice - they should serve wine.


51. I don't like the songs we have to sing.


52. I don't like the songs the choir sings.


53. The choir is too loud.


54. The choir doesn't sing often enough.


55. The choir isn't very good.


56. It's too cold in there, why don't they turn up the heat.


57. It's too hot, why don't they get air conditioning.


58. The air conditioner is too loud.


59. It's too stuffy, why don't they open some windows.


60. The people always try to get me to join the church.


61. I hate it when they ask me to stand up and introduce myself.


62. I'm not religious.


63. I don't believe in religion.


64. I worship God at home when I'm alone.


65. Pastors can't forgive sins.


66. I don't have transportation.


67. My wife doesn't go, so why should I.


68. My husband doesn't go, so why should I.


69. My family never went to church when I was a kid.


70. There aren't any good-looking guys there.


71. There aren't any good-looking girls there.


72. I don't like the statue of Jesus.


73. Jesus wasn't a blue eyed white man.


74. The pews are too hard.


75. It's uncomfortable in church.


76. I never know what time I'm going to get home.


77. I can't find a baby sitter on Sunday.


78. The songs are too old.


79. The songs are too European.


80. Why don't they sing Negro spirituals?


81. They're always asking me for more of my money.


82. I don't like all the hollering and yelling some people do.


83. I should be able to send in money if I want without having to put money in a plate.


84. I can't go to church because my butt hurts from all the sittin and I need joint replacements in my knee's from all the kneeling.


85. The organ is too loud.


86. They don't play the organ.


87. I'm not coming if they are going to play guitars and drums.


88. The whole service is designed for old people.


89. The whole service caters to young people.


90. They don't sing the songs I like.


91. Nobody notices when I'm gone anyway.


92. I don't go to church on Sunday because getting the kids dressed in their Sunday Best first thing in the morning makes me cuss and curse the Lord......very loudly.


93. I'm too hung over to get outta bed that early on Sunday.


94. God made Football.....doesn't that cover it?


95. The guy I slept with last night....you know.....what's his name.....couldn't tell me where the nearest church service was.....heathen that he must be!


96. Three words: Church On Line


97. I atoned for my sins last year.


98. I'm allergic to incense.


99. I'm allergic to wine.


100. I'm allergic to unleavened bread.


101. My cat is a prophet, I get all my Godly advice straight from the cat's mouth. If the cat doesn't tell me to got to church, I consider it great wisdom of the prophet.


102. I don't go to church cause I have a feeling that God doesn't like agnostics.


103. I am a song writer and wrote a song about excuses people give for not serving and worshipping the Lord. Your page covered most of them plus some. Here are some others: I must mow the yard. I have to wash the car. It's family reunion day - most people don't seem to know that they CAN have a family reunion on a Saturday!


104. What go to church? Sorry I'm catholic.


105. I can't go to church, my name is Judas.


106. My husband and I both work for our church and if he doesn't feel like going into church on Sunday, he'll often say, I just spent 5 (or 6) days there, if we go to church today, I will be in church everyday for the last 12 days. That much church can kill a person.


107. I'm sorry I can't come to church because I'm all out of peanut butter. I t doesn't have anything to do to keep you from going to church but it is just as good of an excuse as any of the others. Because they are all just excuses. :)


108. This parish is too politically correct.


109. Church Excuse: Veni, Vidi, NoN-Velcro. (I came, I Saw, I didn't stick around.)


110. It's amazing what people will believe these days. I love using the Excuse "it's against my religious beliefs." And have many times gone overboard with using it. For example, I have one person believing I can't eat nachos on Tuesdays because it was against my religion. Another time I said I couldn't go the church because of again my beliefs. And the people I told these things to believed me. I keep making up new ones to tell people, and I hope one of these days someone calls me on my bluffing.


111. Sorry I couldn't go to church last week, the devil is a horrible thing.


112. Early one Sunday morning, two men were on a golf course. One turns to the other and says, "You know how religious I am. I couldn't go to church this morning because my wife is sick."


113. Sorry I missed Church, but I was too busy practicing witchcraft and becoming a lesbian.


114. Here's an excuse for not going to church: The devil made me do it!


115. I'm sorry I couldn't come to church. The virgin sacrifice took longer than we expected.


116. I did not miss Church, I found a new Church. It’s a wonderful Church so singing, no sit-stand-kneel, it’s very peaceful. Every Sunday you can faithfully find me at Saint Mattress.


117. I did not miss church, in fact I had quite a good time with out coming to church.


118. Sorry I missed church today. I was performing a human sacrifice.


119. I was meditating with my Sangha ( a Buddhist community ) but I wasn't concentrating very well. So, I overheard another member of the Sangha try to makeup an excuse. He said, "Well... venerable sir... I had to.. go to church!"


120. Sorry I missed churched, but I was too busy becoming a lesbian and practicing witchcraft.


121. If someone asks why you weren't at church look down and say 'yeah I've been bad, but you're a Christian, please forgive me!'


122. There is too much praying going on.


123. So far, I've had the same person and his cohort try to 'recruit' (their word, not mine) me not once, but twice! I swear, the next time they try it again, it'll probably go something like this... So, when do you meet? We meet at such & such Church at Such & such time. Oooh... I'm afraid I can't make it, as I've a naked chicken to sacrifice. Besides, the Goddesses I honor don't like it when I join cults. Damn! I gotta go sacrifice a chicken right now! I suppose it kinda depends on how they react, so I might not be able to give 'em the whole story, but it'd be interesting to see the expressions on their faces! *big grin*


124. "I ate a donut and then realized it was Sunday, so I started to hyperventilate and had to be taken to the ER." Works for both church *and* work, if used properly. This excuse may not be used as a flotation device, pillow or condom. Excessive consumption may result in laziness.


125. I didn't go to church because I had a dream, god was in it and he said not to go!


126. This excuse is actually a comment left in The Mother of All Excuses Place guestbook. Of all the excuses used not to go to church there is none that will work when Jesus comes back for us. Just think where that excuse will get you then.


127. In one of the commandments, the Lord said that nobody shall do anything on a Sunday. I a devout to my religion, and stay in bed all day.


128. My house got robbed Saturday night losing everything including all my dress clothes and shoes. Someone stole my wallet taking my credit cards and money. Church Members are taking me in to being active in our church and can't face them to say no.


129. I skipped Church so the Deacons wouldn't ask me to help them with Collection.


130. The Preacher talks to long during the Pastors Echols.


131. I love going to church but the Pastor told me If I want to singing the Choir I can no long wear pants but must wear a Dress or Skirt.


132. All the parking spaces are full.


133. There's a girl trying to kill me at Sunday school.


134. Sorry I missed church, I've been practicing Witchcraft and becoming a Lesbian.


135. My daughter recently attended church, and when the collection came around asked, "Mum, can we go now we've paid up - I'm bored!"


136. I can't go to church on Sundays because I'm too busy posting excuses to The Mother of all Excuses Place!


137. "My pew is the couch and the pulpit happens to be a 32" Television set. And YOU think I don't attend church often enough?"


138. "My pew is the couch and the pulpit happens to be a 32" Television set. And YOU think I don't attend church often enough?"


139. I went last Sunday!


140. My kid has a cold. The whole family has to stay home with him to blow his nose.


141. The organist hit a sour note about two months back.


142. I'm afraid that I might get bitten by a Christian and turn into one myself.


143. God never came to my house. Why should I go to His?


144. I got sick and threw up last month and I'm afraid of a relapse.


145. I went to that other church two years ago and I wouldn't want them to get jealous.


146. The last sermon was so vague, I didn't know what to think.


147. I don't like being told what to think.


148. The church is having a potluck and I'm alergic to casserole.


149. I can't handle crowds, so I'm going to the ball game instead.


150. I just knocked over a liquor store and the church condemns that kind of alternative lifestyle.


151. I work for the government. Seperation of church and state, you know.


152. I've nothing for the offering because I'm saving up for a gas-powered sweater.


153. Sitting on something called a "pew" is just plain creepy.


154. I just bought oceanfront property in Nebraska and I need to go inspect it.


155. They won't let me have a beer during the sermon.


156. Service starts at 11:00. That's too early to get up.


157. I won't attend any church that'll let someone like me in the door.


158. It's not Easter yet.


159. I can worship God just as easily at the video arcade.


160. I felt compelled by the Holy Spirit to go fishing.


161. I'll get religious in my next life.


162. I'm not comfortable with the fact that there's wine at the communion table.


163. My church serves grape juice. They should have wine!


164. Sorry I missed church. The pagan sacrifices ran long.


165. Solidarity, Brother! (slip away while person is looking confused)


166. My goldfish didn't tell me to go, and I trust my goldfish.


167. The pastor works on the Sabbath! What a hypocrite!


168. My spirit is trying to lose weight and doesn't need to be fed.


169. I need time to think up more excuses!


170. I don't have to go to church to learn morality... Hence, why she doesn't go to church.


171. They never could tell me for sure if there will be an "afterlife" for Fluffy (or Fido) when my animal loved ones go on to die.


172. I was forced to go when I was a younger.


173. Using Daylight Savings Time as an Excuse for not going to church: We tried to attend your ten o'clock service, Father, but we totally forgot to set our clocks forward.


174. The PA system is too load.


175. The roof will fall in.


176. I can't take the night air.


177. The pews are too hard.


178. I can't afford the gas.


179. I have a cold and I may pass it around.


180. I might get saved and have to go all the time.


181. I am not going to Church because I am waiting for my husband to come with me. A wife is supposed to follow her husband, right? Besides, it’s the only day I get to sleep late after partying all night on Saturday.


182. "It's hard to get up and moving around. I really don't get out much." (Said to me by the member who dropped by church on her way from having her hair done---and drove herself.) Parishioner: "There is too much standing and sitting."Pastor: "Mr. Jones sits because he can't take the standing. It's okay to do that."Parishioner: "My knees are bad and I can't come to the communion rail."Pastor: "I could bring you communion in the pew, like Mr. Jones."Parishioner: "Oh no....that's ok."Pastor: "Don't you want to receive communion?"Parishioner: "Yes."Pastor: "Then why won't you let me bring it to you in the pew?"Parishioner: (changing subject) "You said you were going to visit me, pastor."Pastor: "I'm sorry, Mrs. Smith. I don't remember meeting you before."Parishioner: "Oh yes, when we voted to call you." (15 months ago)Pastor: "I'm sorry, I don't remember. Let's make an appointment now." (takes out date book)Parishioner: "Oh, I can't do that now. Why don't you call me?"Pastor: (putting away date book) "I'll tell you what, when you have your calendar in front of you why don't you call ME?"Epilogue: A week later I heard Mrs. Smith was very angry with me because I had been "rude" to her! -- Pastor Kim RapczakChrist's Evangelical Lutheran Church (Beaver Falls, PA)


183. Lutheran: I will not talk about why I haven't been to church.


184. Catholic: Can't I get a group discount if I save up my sins for several months and confess them all at once?


185. Mormom: I was wandering around in the desert and I found a scroll that said now God likes Protestants better.


186. Southern Baptist: I was rolling around on the floor the other day and a nail punctured me in a very indiscrete place.

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