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Work Excuses #
1000 and up.
- 1000. The ultimate get
out of work free excuse is a back injury. Very hard for doctors to
discredit, and Employers are required to give you off with no penalty and
sometimes even pay per the FMLA. This one rocks, and my last doctors
note said may occur five-six more times a year. Good Times.
- 1001. Call in and say, "A few
of my friends played a practical joke on me... they thought it would be
funny to let the air out of a few of my tires! Well I only have 1
spare and I can't get 2 of the other tires to inflate... and I am standing
here in the parking lot freaking out because I have to be at work in 30
minutes!!" This one worked for me.
- 1002. I will not be in to
work today because I got in the tanning bed last night and now I am so burnt
that I can't even stand up!
- 1003. True stories, same
job at a toy store during high school: I caught the bus to work
sometimes, and normally didn't work Sundays. I had forgotten that the
busses only come every hour, instead of every half-hour, and waited out in
the freezing cold for half an hour, which is why I didn't call in. I
was exactly 30 minutes late that Sunday. I actually showed up for
work, but then food poisoning set in. Only one other person was there,
in the back. I was checking people out up front, and occasionally
ducking behind the counter to vomit into plastic bags, without anyone
noticing. The store manager was the only one available to come in to
cover for me, and quite upset about it, but upon hearing the story almost
puked herself.
- 1004. An employee called
in sick. When the boss asked HIM for a doctor's note to excuse the
absence, the employee immediately handed the boss a doctor's note from an
OBGYN without making any comment. Should have seen the face of the
boss who also made no comment and told the employee, "OK?"
- 1005. An employee called
in to work and said he would not be in or would be there as soon as the
angry Indians with bows and arrows who were surrounding his vehicle would
let him get in his car and drive away.
- 1006. I cant come into
work today.....I have amnesia from when my two year old hit me over the head
with his toy... wait I don't have a two year old.....do I?
- 1007. One Monday I phoned
in And said I had pink Eye. Later on that day A friend told me pink
eye lasts for a while, so the next day before going into the office, I
through some soap in my eye. The guys in the office sure believed me,
they gave me the week off with pay ha!!!! This one is sure to work.
- 1008. At 1:30 PM, several
hours after normal start of work, my co-worker called in and said, "I won't
be in today because I can't find my cat".
- 1009. True there was a
crazy lady whom I work with that actually called and said this .. I cannot
come into work today I have to pray!
- 1010. Once worked with a
guy who called in saying he stopped at a phone booth to make a call; his car
rolled up against the booth & now he was trapped in the phone booth.
- 1011. One morning in the
Navy, our newest sailor showed up about Noon on Monday. When asked
where he'd been, he said he'd met a girl in a bar on Saturday, and had spent
the weekend losing his Virginity. The chief allowed it because:
A) No man would admit to being a virgin if it wasn't true, B) There
was no way to use the excuse twice.
- 1012. From an Airmen:
I cant' find my truck, I called the police and they said I need to wait by
the phone. Two hours later... I found my truck, but I won't be able to
come in, it's been reposed and I need to get my stuff out it.
- 1013. My roommate used
this one: I can’t come into work today because last night I was at a
bar and when it was time to pay the bill I paid cash. It turned out
that one of the twenties I had in my wallet was counterfeit. I wasn’t
arrested but the FBI was called. They told me they would be sending someone
over to talk to me today so I need to stay here and wait for them.
- 1014. Horribly, this
excuse was used last year, I had called my boyfriends' boss for him & told
him this whopper... "I was in the emergency room with my boyfriend. My
boyfriend slept over where I was house-sitting, and this morning he was
chasing the dog around the yard, who wouldn't come in the house, slipped on
the wet grass & twisted his ankle. He wouldn't be able to make it in
today."
- 1015. I have a beta fish
(they're extremely vicious and revengeful) and one day as I was getting
ready for work, my keys "accidentally" fell into the tank. Knowing how
dangerous the fish can be, I relentlessly had to call in. :)
- 1016. (HONEST!!) My
car does not seem right so I don't want to chance driving to work. HAHAHA
and this really is true!!!
- 1017. (Someone at work) I
drove over some glass and damaged lots of tires so I cant come in!
- 1018. I'm late because I
could not decide on what outfit to wear. ( It works if you are known for
your fashion sense, if not, don't try it)
- 1019. I can't come into
work today - someone stole my car battery!
- 1020. This truly did
happen to me. I was working for a large warehouse-type company, and
one day, the sent home an employee who had been sprayed by a skunk.
The next morning, my 2 dogs chased a skunk and we all got it, I mean really
REALLY bad. That was the reason I gave, since I was telling the truth.
The worst of it was one of the dogs was a tiny white poodle, and I had to
wash her down with tomato juice (hint- this doesn't work as well as you
think). But it really does happen, I've been sprayed 3 times now, but
at least I've learned to keep my dogs on their leashes.
- 1021. The best excuse is
to say you are bed-ridden with a virus of some sort - if you have had
glandular fever you can get away with this every time! Say you are
totally wiped out - too tired to even go to the doctor or get out of bed.
Works every time.
- 1022. I will be late for
work cause my car is attached to a tree. We live in Texas close to
Houston. We rarely have a hard freeze, however 10yrs ago we had a big
one. The tree over the driveway was so heavy with ice it froze the
limbs to my car, I still have the pictures to prove it. (My boss did not
believe it till she saw those pictures.
- 1023. This excuse worked
for a girl I worked with, that was out every other day. "I can't come
to work today, because I coughed and broke my rib. " Later that night she
was seen dancing and laughing at the bar, by another employee.
- 1024. I have to go to the
doctor to have a boil on my genitals lanced. This one actually showed
up with an excuse from the Emergency Room the next day!!
- 1025. I have to leave
early because my boyfriend just called to tell me my dog ran away.
- 1026. I can't come to
work today because I can't find my husband or the car.
- 1027. True story: Lady
called out from work because a tree fell on her van during a rainstorm.
- 1028. I had a co worker
call in after a quad runner accident stating she had temporary partial
amnesia. She could only remember her name, work phone number, bosses
name but not to come to work!!
- 1029. Sorry I was late
this morning... I forgot to set my clock for daylight savings time.
- 1030. Call up your boss
and tell him that on your way to work you had to go to the bathroom and you
didn't make it. You shit all over yourself. They don't know what to say.
Tell him that you will have to go all the way back home and shower etc.
- 1031. I cant come into
work today its raining and I might get wet. Honestly used at work by a lad.
- 1032. I can't make it
into work today, because the panels on my garage door are frozen and my
babysitter and I can't get my car out. So just count on me not being
there.
- 1033. Sorry I wont be in
today my carburetor blew off my engine and I'll be spending the day looking
for a new one. true story
- 1034. A co-worker called
into work a few hours before she was supposed to come in. She said she
wouldn't be at work because someone watered down her Jack Daniels and drank
her tequila and she was going to find out who did it.
- 1035. I thought I was
gonna get lucky last night and took some Viagra. I still have wood
this mourning and I'm not gonna make it in today.
- 1036. A former co-worker
actually used this one: I can't come to work today, my head hurts and
it only hurts when I come to work!
- 1037. We had a woman at
work who called out because she had a "food overdose".
- 1038. I won't be in to
work today. Everyone in the office has the flu and I don't want to
catch it.
- 1039. I rang my boss in a
busy accounting firm and told him that I couldn't BE BOTHERED coming into
work one day. He said ok!
- 1040. Once someone I
worked with didn't show up one day, and didn't answer his phone at all.
When he turned up the next day he said that he was getting a book down from
the top of his bookshelf and the whole thing had fallen on top of him.
He was unconscious for 3 hours and then couldn't actually move till his
flatmate got home at 11pm that night.
- 1041. A few years ago I
was working with a guy who was notorious for coming up with outrageous and
lame excuses. One morning he called in to work and said he had been
eating Doritos the night before and a piece of one had lodged itself in his
gums. He had to go to the dentist first thing that morning. Now
I don't know about you but it takes me at least a few weeks to get an
appointment at the dentist.
Another time he called in late and said that he had driven half way to work
and realized that he didn't have his contacts in and couldn't see so he
drove back home to put them in. He said he was going to be so late he
might as well just stay home!
Although there are many more excuses this guy used I'll give you one of my
favorites. He calls in and tells our supervisor that his dogs have gotten
into his wife's makeup while he was sleeping. He awoke to makeup all
over his house and his dogs. So he was going to have to stay home and
clean it up. My super asked him why his wife couldn't clean it up.
His answer, She has to go to work.
- 1042. A guy I used to
work with called off work one night. He said, I won't be in tonight I
have a case of the sixpackalitis.
Another person calls off frequently using the excuse, I won't be in, I'm
taking a hillbilly holiday!
- 1043. Kidney stones...
say you passed a kidney stone and when you called your doctor he instructed
you to take the pain pills he prescribed the last time you where there.
Can't drive to work looped on pain pills.
- 1044. This works only
after a snow storm with a street parking ban: "Hi, I can't come in today
because I went outside to leave and I realized my car was towed away
overnight cause I forgot to move it and it was still on the side of the road
when the plows were trying to clear the streets" *if employer expects
that you are going pay and get it from the impound, then come in later, to
save the idea being brought up follow up by saying: "and I don't have the
money to get it out and my mom is at work and my dad is out of town so I
cant get any money from him either, ill try keep you updated but in the
meantime try and find someone to come in for me in case." (9 times out of 10
someone will come in in your place so the shift is guaranteed to be filled..
so your free and clear.. no need to even call back again to
update, your shift is covered) *** yes this excuse really worked,
flawlessly**
- 1045. We had a guy whose
mother used to call him off all the time. One day she called to say he
wouldn't be in cuz they were going to the vet and she needed him to hold the
cat. Another time she called WHEN HE WAS ALREADY AT WORK to say that
he would be ill the FOLLOWING DAY and unable to work!
- 1046. I can't come to
work today because I'm having car trouble. (Real excuse - I just
couldn't get the car to turn into the driveway no matter how hard I wished
for it to!)
- 1047. My 7 year old son
shave my head while I was sleeping. I have to go the hair dresser and
get the rest shaved off.
- 1048. Called and left
this on my works answering machine. They called me back within 20
minutes and told me I would be fired if I didn't come in. "I'm locked
in my basement, I cant get a hold of anyone. I cant call the fire
department or police because there's a few lines of coke on the coffee table
and a hooker sleeping on the couch. I'll be in when she wakes up."
I tried to be creative. My Sup liked it. The manager didn't :)
- 1049. I have to take
tomorrow off they will be delivering my lawnmower and I don't know what time
it will arrive.
- 1050. This is a true
story about my coworker NO LIES!!! He called and left a message on our
answering machine at 5:am that his waterbed had a leak and he didn't know if
he could make it in so he needed the whole day off, he did have a leak.
- 1051. My cat unplugged my
alarm clock and I slept in very late.
- 1052. I just found out
that I am 3 weeks pregnant and I the doctor said that I'm over working
myself and bending to hard. I need the day off so that I can
contemplate an abortion.
- 1053. True story, A guy I
work with called in and said his crack head daughter had taken off with his
car and he had no way in to work (he lived out in a rural area) they were so
shocked that they accepted the story.
- 1054. My co-worker at a
convenience store called and told the boss she couldn't come in to work
because her husband had shaved her privates and now she had a painful
ingrown pubic hair.
- 1055. Okay this one has
worked on countless occasions but you gotta make sure you don't use it too
often cos it's mine okay. "I'm sorry I can't attend work today as my
Mother tried to overdose last night". An absolute Gem, no questions
asked and if you're really desperate you can take a day off next week for
the funeral.
- 1056. I can't come in
today, I've got to go north. My girlfriend caught me cheating on her
and called and told my wife. (This one is real!)
- 1057. Once someone I
worked with didn't show up one day, and didn't answer his phone at all.
When he turned up the next day he said that he was getting a book down from
the top of his bookshelf and the whole thing had fallen on top of him.
He was unconscious for 3 hours and then couldn't actually move till his
flatmate got home at 11pm that night.
- 1058. A few years ago I
was working with a guy who was notorious for coming up with outrageous and
lame excuses. One morning he called in to work and said he had been
eating Doritos the night before and a piece of one had lodged itself in his
gums. He had to go to the dentist first thing that morning. Now
I don't know about you but it takes me at least a few weeks to get an
appointment at the dentist. Another time he called in late and said
that he had driven half way to work and realized that he didn't have his
contacts in and couldn't see so he drove back home to put them in. He
said he was going to be so late he might as well just stay home!
Although there are many more excuses this guy used I'll give you one of my
favorites. He calls in and tells our supervisor that his dogs have
gotten into his wife's makeup while he was sleeping. He awoke to
makeup all over his house and his dogs. So he was going to have to
stay home and clean it up. My super asked him why his wife couldn't
clean it up. His answer, She has to go to work.
- 1059. A guy I used to
work with called off work one night. He said, I won't be in tonight I
have a case of the sixpackalitis. Another person calls off frequently
using the excuse, I won't be in, I'm taking a hillbilly holiday!
- 1060. Kidney stones....
say you passed a kidney stone and when you called your doctor he instructed
you to take the pain pills he prescribed the last time you where there.
Can't drive to work looped on pain pills.
- 1061. I really used this
one. I called my boss and told him I was in bed with an ugly headache
but I would probably take her home sometime today and would be in bright and
early tomorrow!!!! He laughed so hard he couldn't say anything but
"See you in the morning then."
- 1062. This was called in
on New years Day. "Sorry I can't come in to work today I have the Irish Flu,
it's the 24 hour kind so I'll be tomorrow."
- 1063. I was late for work
because when I got in my car and started driving down the driveway my car
slowly came to a stop on its own. I got out to see what was going on.
We had outside dogs and they had dragged a blanket they slept on into the
driveway and I ran over it. The blanket was wrapped around the under
carriage of my car. I had to call my boyfriend over to crawl under my
car and cut it off.
- 1064. My husband and I
and our 5th month old baby were vacationing in Florida. At the same
time my sister decided she would drive down so we could have a real family
vacation. In attempts to make the flight comfortable for us she agreed
to bring our luggage. All we needed was our carry on bags. This
was awesome for the flight, just a baby and a bag and not a thing to worry
about, our luggage was on its way. The return trip, I had packed the
airline tickets in the suitcase and it was already headed 1,000 miles home,
as we sat in the airport. "Boss, I wont be in I am stuck in Florida
and my airline ticket is in Pennsylvania." It took 2 more days
to mail the tickets to us and a third day to sit on stand by waiting for a
seat. To this day his co workers and boss don't believe his wife could
be so dumb.... shame for them its true.
- 1065. I ate at taco bell
last night and have the Hershey squirts.
- 1066. Calling in sick to
work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I
always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid
reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating. I
simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel
up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to
explain the bandage on my crown. The accident occurred mainly because
I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially
the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning I was taking my shower
after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb,
call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed! the garbage disposal is dead.
Come reset it." "You know where the button is." I protested
through the shower (pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!" "I am
scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"
(Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second." So out I came, dripping wet
and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior
was not without consequence. I crouched down and stuck my head under
the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember
performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my
circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into
its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at
the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had
been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the
sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the
toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like
claws. Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to
their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control
orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body
to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed.
Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin
supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a
step-by-step manner. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or
flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight"
option. Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels
when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats
seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and
cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been
fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to
conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter. At the
office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I
kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. "What's the
matter, cat got your tongue?" If they had only known.
- 1067. I actually heard
this excuse come from a guy at work who had been gone for 3 days. He
came in crying, and when asked where he had been and had not called in, he
replied that his dog had gotten raped by the neighbors dog, with actual
flowing tears! He then proceeded to say that he called the police,
that they couldn't help him with his case, so he took it upon himself to try
and make the dog better, and get the neighbors dog brought to justice!
He was fired immediately.
- 1068. A gal was hired to
work hard count at a casino. She called in her second day to say she quit
because she was allergic to money.
- 1069. I'm late because I
got a ticket for J-Walking.
- 1070. A mate once told
his boss that he was unable to turn up for work as a "HUGE STORM" had
knocked out the power and he had to be home so he could let the repair men
inside his house to fix some wiring. He had forgotten that his boss
only lived 1/2 a block away. He was later fired.
- 1071. I had an employee who
said he could not come to work because he lost his wallet and he was worried
sick about it and he had to stay out of work to look for it!
The same employee that gave the excuse for not coming to work because he
lost his wallet, called in a few weeks later and said he could not come to
work because he had 4 flat tires and that two of his wheels were about to
fall off his car!
- 1072. True story: My husband
and I live close enough to our workplaces that we can go home for lunch
every day. One day we had to call in and tell our bosses we would be late
coming back because there was a rabid skunk in our backyard attacking our
dog. We had to wait for animal control to come, kill the skunk, and take the
dog in for quarantine. As soon as we got back to work later that afternoon
we were sent back home because, although we had not been directly sprayed by
the skunk, our close smelled of skunk.
- 1073. I used this today: I left
a message on my boss’s voicemail saying that someone had tried to steal my
car and my steering column is jammed. I now have to wait for the police to
show up and file a report. Since my steering column is jammed I cannot start
my car and will wait until my boyfriend comes home so he can fix my car. She
called me a half hour later and I said, "The police are here now, let me
call you back!" Called her back 10 minutes later and got incredible
sympathy.
- 1074. A friend of mine, working
in Atlanta, had already used all the excuses she could think of not to work.
So one day she called in to say that she had walked to the mailbox bare
footed and had gotten dew poisoning.
- 1075. On a bad winter day, I
received a call from my employee... "I can't find a parking spot so I am
going to turn around and go home."
- 1076. This one worked for me.
My boss (who hates cats) let me off one day to take the
kitten I had adopted to get her first shots. I explained that I could drop
her off and pick her up in the afternoon, but I was afraid she would think I
had changed my mind and returned her to the pound, thus giving her a complex
and ruining the life of a perfectly good kitten.
- 1077. My foot it stuck in the
toilet and there is no one home to help me get it out.
- 1078. A coworker of mine calls
off all the time. This week (true story) she called of three days in a row.
Day one: Her grandpa got hit by a bus and she has to go to the hospital. Day
two: She had cramps and diarrhea. Day 3: She fell in the shower ( for the
second time in two months) and hurt her abdomen. They must work cus she
hasn't been fired yet!
- 1079. This happened around ten
years ago at a restaurant where I worked. One day Doug, one of the line
cooks, had his girlfriend call in sick for him. Doug's girlfriend told my
supervisor, Cindy, "Doug can't come into work today, he has a temperature of
110 degrees." So my Cindy, trying not to laugh, asked the girlfriend "What
hospital is he staying in?" Cindy could hear the girlfriend say in the
background, "Doug, what hospital are you in?" Cindy hung up the phone,
laughing, and said "If his temperature was that high, he'd be dead!"
- 1080. The funniest I've ever
heard - someone where I work actually called this one in: I can't come to
work today because I have a family crisis, I need to stay with my wife
because the results of her pap smear were abnormal and she's very upset.
- 1081. I can't come to work
today my girlfriend broke her ankle last night and I need to pick her up at
the hospital. She did brake her ankle but was already home and sitting
beside me.
- 1082. One time a co worker
called in said she couldn't come to work cuz her little finger was swollen.
- 1083. I volunteered to work
thanksgiving one time called about an hour before my shift was done and said
that I was so busy making pies the night before that I for got to set my
alarm so I wont be in. Actually I had a hang over.
- 1084. At the factory where I
work we had one of our second shift employees call the call in line stating
that he could not come in this afternoon because his baby sitter was in
jail. True story. We have all kinds that work for us.
- 1085. True: I one called work
to say I had broke my ass, this was believed as there where other coworkers
present when I foolishly tried to prove I still had youth on my side and
attempt to skateboard after a gap of 15 years down a very steep hill on an
old board. To describe my fall I lost control and placed one foot on the
ground which whipped my body around 180 degrees spraining my ankle and Right
Buttock, I also went in to shock. On returning to work two days later I was
greeted by 200 people giving me a standing ovation, and a big grin from my
boss.
- 1086. A young man called in to
say he would not be in the office because he felt dizzy and almost passed
out each time he tried to get out of bed. And he did not know when it would
be over!
- 1087. I have restless legs
syndrome (RLS). I can't sit still very long at a time. I take medication for
it and it helps but also makes me drowsy.
- 1088. Sorry, I can't come in to
work today. I left my purse on an airplane and I have to fly back to find
it!
- 1089. I has to leave early to
get the morning-after pill from her doctor!
- 1090. I called in and then quit
a job because the office furniture was dilapidated and was causing me back
problems. Really the boss lady was driving me nuts. I wonder if they got
better furniture after that?
- 1091. I worked in a call center
& a female employee called in said she would not be in because she had
Prostate Cancer.
- 1092. This one I had to call in
cause I was helping my room mate move a 40" TV and it fell on my knee. True
story... of course they didn't believe me.
- 1093. First you have to test
this out before calling work to get the right sound effects. Put your index
finger in your mouth and lock it between your molars and try talking. You'll
notice you start dribbling and drooling and lisping (also works if you stuff
your mouth full of cotton wool) - strangely enough you'll end up sounding
like you've just been to the dentist. Now call work and tell them that last
night you slipped and hit your tooth on the kitchen counter and you were in
agony all night while you waited for the dentist to open that morning and
get a cap put on it. If you're calling a little late tell them you had to
get the first appointment possible and you just got back to a phone that was
working. Worked for me!
- 1094. I can't come in today
boss. My dog threw up on me and I smell bad.
- 1096. True Story....I called in
and told my boss my dog ran away from home and I had to look for him because
he is a small dog and it was late at night. He could get eaten by coyotes if
I don't find him tonight.
- 1097. A new co-worker in our
office was suppose to start on Thanksgiving week. Her first excuse for not
coming in -I'm in Denver and I was snowed in. - out entire week. The Second
Week excuse was - I was coming to work in a taxi and got into an accident. -
out the entire week. Third week - I got meningitis. out entire week Fourth
week - I had a doctor's appointment and I thought we had Dec 30 as an
Holiday - Fifth week - It snowed and my driveway wasn't plowed - couldn't
get out of the house. Sixth Week - I got on the wrong train to work and was
lost so I week back home- Seventh week - I got Pink eye Eight week - my
boyfriend's grandmother was rush to the hospital and I'm not coming in And
(next week) Ninth week - according to the office pool - she ran out of
minutes on her cell phone and couldn't call in this week. A TRUE STORY from
New York City.
- 1098. I have used all of these
at various jobs and they all worked........I lost my door key so I couldn't
leave my house without being locked out. My dog has got into the crawlspace
and I cant get him out. My garage got broken into during the night and I'm
waiting on the police. I stood on a upturned plug and cant put weight on my
foot. I got something in my eye and I cant get it out. I was up all night
helping my neighbor catch his kids escaped rabbit.
- 1099. I was working in a pub
one day and two of my fellow co-workers who shared a house arrived an hour
and a half late. When our boss, who was the archetypical "tough but fair
boss" enquired why they were late? they replied that there was a double
episode of the A-team that they had never seen before on telly. The boss
stared in disbelief and then replied "fair enough" sometimes honesty is the
best policy.
- 1100. (Monday morning) Jim this
is Donald, I went to the camp on the river this weekend, I was helping the
guys build a dock. I'm so sunburned that I can't get my shirt on .... I'll
need a few days off.
- 1101. A girl that used to work
for my company claimed she couldn't come to work because she fell asleep on
the beach and had a major sunburn. She never showed up for work again.
- 1102. This actually happened
when I worked at the Post Office.... A girl called in and said "I'm gonna be
late because 2 of my dogs are hung up and I have to wait until they're
finished because I have to get a sperm sample from the male"
- 1103. I was working in a
building that actually had FBI offices several floors above us. I was
working a 12-8 shift and left at 4 p.m. for dinner. When I returned at 5
p.m., the entire building had been cordoned off due to a suspicious package
that had been left by the front door. The police, S.W.A.T. teams and Bomb
Squad complete with canine unit refused to let me in the building. I had to
call my boss on my cell phone and when he didn't believe me, told him to go
to the Conference room and look out the window. I eventually was let into
the building after 45 minutes of standing around, drinking coffee, smoking
cigarettes and flirting with the S.W.A.T. guys and firemen.
- 1104. My sister, myself, my
cousin and mother all work for the same company. my sister got wasted and
called work late at night while drunk and said our aunt died. then she
remembered that we all work together. we all had to play along for a week,
we all missed 3 days of work. its a horrible thing, but it worked. the bad
part is, we had to all have our stories perfect, before returning to work.
- 1105. I really don't have an
excuse because excuses are for people who feel like they need to explain
themselves to others. I just don't feel like coming in today.
- 1106. I can't come to work
because a hound dog stole my wallet. (really happened)
- 1107. This is an actual excuse
from one of my employees. I can't come to work today because my mother has
been decapitated. She is okay though so I will be in tomorrow. What a moron!
- 1108. Used only after a big
storm... The wind/storm blew down a tree and I cant get out of the driveway.
(true story)
- 1109. A co-worker called in to
work saying she couldn't come in to work. Her friend's car was missing the
rear view mirror and she needed to help her watch traffic. She also called
in the next day to say they were in an accident and she had gotten glass in
her eye from the rear view mirror.
- 1110. One Saturday morning,
working as a dispatcher for a security company, a guard called in and said
that his relief still had not shown up. When I called the other guard (a
young lady) and asked if there was a problem. She apologized and stated that
she would not be able to work that day. When I asked her why, I almost fell
off my chair. She said "I'm just too damn horny". This completely threw me
for a loop and for a second, I had considered sending over one of our patrol
drivers to "take care of things" but fortunately, I didn't.
- 1111. This really happened to
me: I left for work early to get the charger to my cell phone replaced and
when I turned in the building my wheel FELL OFF my car - I had to call my
boss and tell them that they were going to flat bed my car and since I lived
32 miles away from where I worked I couldn't get a ride - I didn't go to
work for 2 days....
- 1112. Here is a couple a
co-worker has used in the past week. He has been late 1 1/2 hr each time.
the 1st was " I was pulled over and since I'm Mexican the police kept me for
over an hour." And then tonight, he said his lady was so horny she wouldn't
let him leave, and they did it a couple of times.
- 1113. Last night I took my dog
out after getting home from work. It was dark and very cold. I did not
realize the dog had gone both #1 and #2 on the steps because I was yelling
at the neighbor for cussing out his girlfriend in front of our house and
making a bunch of noise. I was leaving for work this morning and apparently
the doggie doo froze on the steps. I was not looking where I was going
because the neighbor was yelling at his girlfriend out on their lawn again.
I slipped on the slick stuff on the step and when my rear end hit the step
it hit the frozen doo and either cracked or severely bruised my tail bone.
Now I can't walk or sit, and the stupid neighbor didn't even come help me
get out of the mess, and that is why I am calling in sick today.
- 1114. Listed next is a borrowed
piece from
CareerBuilder.com web site.
15 Excuses for Calling in Sick
By Rosemary Haefner, Senior Career Adviser for
CareerBuilder.com
It's 6 a.m. and you are about to throw the alarm clock out the window. It's
too cold out, you're tired, you had one glass of wine too many last night,
you've really got to clean your house, and, most importantly, you haven't
had some real bonding time with your couch lately.
"Just call in," you tell yourself. "They can get by one day without me."
So, in your best sick voice, you leave a near-death sounding message for
your boss and throw in a cough just to make it believable. Ferris Bueller
has nothing on you!
The art of playing hooky
CareerBuilder.com
recently took a look at employees who call in sick with bogus excuses.
Forty-three percent of workers said they called in sick when they felt well
at least once during the last year, up from 35 percent in the 2004 survey.
The most popular motivator for missing work: good, old-fashioned rest.
Almost 23 percent of workers said they just wanted to relax and catch up on
sleep. Seventeen percent said they just didn't feel like going in, 16
percent attributed it to a doctor's appointment, and 9 percent said they had
to catch up on housework and run personal errands.
Three-day weekend or mid-week break?
Thirty-eight percent of workers said they viewed sick days as equivalent to
vacation days. The most popular day for calling in sick when feeling well
was Wednesday, with 27 percent of workers getting over the mid-week hump by
fabricating an excuse. While extended weekend absences were also popular,
with 26 percent of workers calling in sick on Monday and 14 percent on
Friday, those partaking may have put themselves at more risk of scrutiny.
Your boss is no fool.
Sixty-three percent of hiring managers said they are more suspicious of
employees calling in sick on a Monday or Friday. The survey also revealed
that some hiring managers were less tolerant of workers playing hooky, with
almost one-fourth stating they fired an employee for missing work without a
legitimate reason. While the definition of a sick day has evolved, with more
employers including mental health and special circumstances in the
description, workers should be mindful of company policies and their
responsibilities as an employee.
"I was abducted by aliens..."
When asked to share the most unusual excuses workers gave for missing work,
hiring managers shared some of their favorite examples:
- "I'm too drunk to drive to
work."
- "I accidentally flushed my keys
down the toilet."
- "I had to help deliver a baby
on my way to work." (Employee was not in the medical profession.)
- "I accidentally drove through
the automatic garage door before it opened."
- "My boyfriend's snake got loose
and I'm afraid to leave the bedroom until he gets home."
- "I'm too fat to get into my
work pants."
- "God didn't wake me." (Employee
didn't believe in alarm clocks and thought a higher power would wake her
when she was ready.)
- "I cut my fingernails too
short, they're bleeding and I have to go to the doctor."
- "The ghosts in my house kept me
up all night."
- "I forgot I was getting married
today."
- "My cow bit me."
- "My son accidentally fell
asleep next to wet cement in our backyard. His foot fell in and we can't get
it out."
- "I was watching a guy fixing a
septic pump, fell in the hole and hurt myself."
- "I was walking my dog and
slipped on a toad in my driveway and hurt my back."
- "My house lock jammed, and I'm
locked in."
- 1115. I couldn't go to work
because a nail from my toe fell off and i cant walk!!!!
- 1116. This is the best ever, a
girl in my office wanted to go home so bad and had asked if it would be okay
and was told she needed to stay. She got REALLY mad, so she
took a grape jelly package she got with her breakfast and put it on her hair
brush. She then went to the supervisor and explained that her daughter had
put jelly on her brush and she did not know and now she has jelly in her
hair and needed to go home to wash it. She did not go home for the day, she
went home forever. The supervisor watched her do this act. Guess it was not
good enough to be smuckers!
- 1117. I work in a call center
for customer service, one day a girl called in sick with this excuse: "Well,
my head and my neck hurt because I went out last night and did too much head
banging" (Head banging is the action of rapidly moving your head back and
forth to the rhythm of the music).
- 1118. This was from a co-worker
who is always calling in: She called and said that she witness an accident
and since she was trained in first aid, she is obligated to assist anyone
hurt. So she had to help a man that was trapped under his car and wait until
the ambulance arrived before she could leave.
- 1119. I can't come in to work
today because I threw my back out bending over to put on my socks.
- 1120. I once hooked up with a
co-worker after a work event right before going to my boyfriend's
graduation. I took a sleeping pill, slept through the day on a Thursday and
woke up to 20 missed calls. I told my boss that I had changed my plans last
minute to taking Thursday and Friday off and could not call all day Thursday
because I was at graduation events. so bad...... but my co-worker and I did
date for 8 months after our scandalous evening.
- 1121. I won't be in today, my
daughter ate some hamburger meat last night and had a allergic reaction, and
I've been up all night.
- 1122. From a Spanish speaking
employee... the broken English makes it funnier... "I no come in today. My
car, the tire is broke, and I have a headache in my stomach."
- 1123. Sorry I'm late, I was
saving a group of nuns from a speeding bus.
- 1124. I said that the previous
evening, the shower curtain rod slipped and fell on my head, giving me a
concussion.
- 1125. I can't come to work
today. My house is over ran by crickets and I have to wait for the
exterminator.
- 1126. I worked with a girl once
who called in because there was a possibility of a hurricane, and she didn't
want to take the chance that she might get stranded at work with all of us!
Employers hate excuses, this has worked for me for years and years and well,
16 years. "I'm not coming in today", 'why?' "I don't feel like it, you can
deal with that, or deal with replacing me", they always just hang up, then
you just show up the next day like nothing happened. works best with
employers who don't tolerate BS because at least they know you're being
honest.
- 1127. As a former boss, I have
heard many of those excuses/reasons and then some. It's amazing what people
will pull to get out of work but expect to still get paid. One lady employee
called to say she couldn't come in because her big toe hurt.
- 1128. A guy I used to date had
an employee that was late every day and left early every day. The guy didn't
offer any excuses. He counseled him and reminded him his working hours were
8 to 5 but the guy kept doing it. Finally he asked the guy why he couldn't
get to work on time and why he left early every day. I don't remember the
exact words the guy used to explain, but the gist was he thought as long as
he left his house at 8 and was home by 5 that he had put in his 8 hours!!
FIRED.
- 1129. Employers hate excuses,
this has worked for me for years and years and well, 16 years. "I'm not
coming in today", 'why?' "I don't feel like it, you can deal with that, or
deal with replacing me", they always just hang up, then you just show up the
next day like nothing happened. works best with employers who don't tolerate
BS because at least they know you're being honest.
- 1130. Actual Occurrence: An
employee of mine called off sick for several days in a row. Upon her return
approximately two weeks later, she had a "doctor's note", claiming she had
the Avian Bird Flu, but was all better now!
- 1131. When I was 20 a coworker,
who lived with his parents, phoned to say he would not be in that day
because he was sick. I informed the boss. About an hour later, his mother
rang asking to speak to him .
- 1132. I lost my virginity last
night and my body is so sore, I can hardly walk.
- 1133. I ate some mushrooms I
found in the forest and I can't find my face and I'm afraid the posters on
my walls are about to kill me AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! No,
Bob Marley, Don't!
- 1134. Mobsters broke my legs,
because I refused to repay them for whacking my last boss.
- 1135. I can't come in today, my
friend is having a baby shower and I have to bring the towels.
- 1136. A coworker took 2 days
off because he had chest pains because of high cholesterol from eating
buttered popcorn at the movies and afterward went to an all you can eat
salad bar and ate a blue cheese burger on top of that...it worked!
- 1137. This actually is
happening to me today. However, my friends think it is a perfect ploy to get
a reasonable day off. It does require a lead-up of a day. Good thing is that
you can be late the day immediately prior to the use of the excuse as it
supports the excuse for the day off.
After arriving late on Day 1: So sorry I am late. I lost hot water and had a
bit of a leak this morning. It's a cleaned up and the plumber is coming
tomorrow morning.
Call in early on Day 2: It's quite serious. I had to turn off the water to
the hot water heater and clean up quite a bit of water when I got home. I
need to be here while the heater is replaced; they have already gone to get
one. Apparently, they charge by the hour so who knows how long this is going
to take.
Simple and effective. Some might think it a bit wordy but they are short
sentences that give a full picture of the situation.
Good luck.
PS - Be sure Day 1 is not a Friday.
- 1138. I called my boss and told
them I'd be in late if at all because my neighbor was drunk and was having a
stand off with the local police with his AK-47. The police wouldn't let me
leave my apartment.
- 1139. This excuse was for work,
but I suppose it would be just as good for school, because I'm planning on
using it tomorrow. This actually happened to me once, I was walking down the
street on my way home from work, and I heard this loud crash behind me, so I
turned really fast to make sure I wasn't about to be hit by a car, and got
the worst whip-lash of my life! I ended up paralyzed from the chest up for 4
days!
- 1140. I won't be in for a week,
I went to the doctors and they told me I have the measles!
- 1141. I rang in to work once
and said that I was locked into my apartment, I was the last to leave and
someone had taken my keys so I couldn't get out. My boss said to me the next
day that it was most original excuse he had ever heard and he did believe it
was a good one.
- 1142. I went to give blood
today and fainted on the way home, I'm still feeling really faint and sick
and need to take it easy so I wont be in today.
- 1143. An accepted excuse I
used, which is truth, is that my fiancée is a schizophrenic and needs
constant supervision "for the time being, and may continue for several weeks
until her medication kicks in and normalizes her". Like a charm.
- 1144. True story/True excuse:
My roommate (also my co-worker) called my boss and said "(me) won't be in
for a while, he was shot last night and he's in intensive care"... 2 weeks
and lots of pain killers later I rolled into work in a wheelchair with a
fresh scar and my boss still wanted to see a doctor's note.
- 1145. I worked with a guy one
time who said he couldn't come to work, cause his dryer door wouldn't open
and his uniform was stuck in there.
- 1146. A guy I used to work with
used these... I can't come to work today, I think my ferret had a stroke,
and I have to take it to the vet. The next day... I can't come to work
because my ferret has to have surgery this A.M.
- 1147. I can not come in to work
today because if I do it would be a danger to others. A paramedic.
- 1148. A friend of mine was
still feeling a bit "DRUNK" from the night before. So he called in and told
the boss that he could not come to work, because he had been exposed to
Kryptonite.
- 1149. I had one employee tell
me he was late to work because his 6 week old baby didn't wake him up.
A huge Star Trek fan said he was late to work because he had been taken
aboard a spaceship. My favorites - they leave you speechless.
- 1150. I cant come in today.. I
have anal glaucoma.. I cant see my ass coming into work today.
- 1151. I can't come in today. My
legs are all cramped up and I can't walk.
- 1152. A co-worker called in
saying she would be late because she was attacked by a swam of wasps walking
to her car. She might be in later if the pain got better. She then showed up
later that same day with no stings or pain. But no one said a thing about
her excuse, so it worked.
- 1153. I had a young lady
working for me who called in 43 times over a 3 month period. Generally her
excuse was illness, however the last bit of excuses really took the cake.
She said that her toilet had overflowed so the apartment complex had to pull
up the carpet to replace the toilet and flooring, so she had to stay home
and make sure the fan that was used to dry the flooring did not overheat.
Then, as a result of the carpet being pulled up, evidently "mites" were
released, so she called in stating she could not come to work until she was
no longer "infested" with the mites from the carpeting.
- 1154. TRUE: I want be in today
because my breast are swollen, and she was not pregnant.
TRUE: I want be in today because I have Projectile diarrhea. Which
projectile means to come up not down.
I can not come in because they are moving a house down my street and it is
taking up the whole street and I can not get out.
TRUE: Call in 10 to 15 minutes before you are to come and tell you were in a
car wreck and have to go to the hospital.
TRUE: My dog had puppies and can not come in.
My dog died and I have to bury him. (Spike)
I forget to pay my car insurance and can not drive because it got cancled.
I got up this morning and my car was getting impounded.
If you get locked up you better call work because you only have one phone
call. So you will still have a job when you get out MAYBE!
I won't be in today my mother-in-law and husband are sick and I'm the only
one here with a car to take them to the hospital if they need to go.
- 1155. My daughter's coworker is
constantly calling in sick. Here are a list of excuses that she's used:
I got Bengay in my eye so I can't put my contact in and I need to put cold
compresses on my eye until it flushes out.
I got stung by a wasp.
I tripped over my dog.
My dogs got into a fight and one bit me.
My root canal is infected and I look like I've been in a fight.
My mother's been in a car accident and broken her pelvis.
My mother's been in another car accident.
My mother ran off with some guy from the Internet.
My son's been in a car accident.
My mother's having a heart attack.
The weather's making my joints hurt. There are many others!!!
- 1156. About a year ago I had to
call in to work with the very odd yet absolutely true excuse that I would be
late because I had to drive my pet rat in to the emergency vet since he'd
gotten himself stuck in a small hole in one of his cage toys. Worse yet, he
was stuck upside-down, trying to come out through a small hole in the bottom
of a very large tree trunk made for an aquarium. He had his head and front
arms through and was wedged in tight. By the time I called work, I'd already
spent a good deal of time that morning trying to get him loose (note: don't
try cooking oil if you should ever find yourself with such a problem – a
slippery rat is even harder to grip). I couldn’t leave the poor thing stuck,
as I feared he would swell and suffocate. Since my local vet wasn’t open
yet, I had to travel further to reach the animal hospital, the whole way
steadying the teetering toy (with rat) in the box on the seat next to me. As
I pulled in to the vet’s parking lot, the rat somehow came loose! I suppose
the car ride was enough swaying & jolting to work him free. I decided to be
thankful that I escaped a vet bill that day.
- 1157. I'm diabetic and my blood
sugar is up to 400 giving me a migraine.
- 1158. I don't subject my dogs
to the uncomfortable punishment of sleeping with their collars on. I hadn't
had a chance to put the collars on this morning and when I was walking out
the front door, one of them got out of the house and took off through the
neighborhood. They are papered schnauzers (expensive dogs). There's NO WAY I
am gonna leave here till I find her.
- 1159. Phone in three hours or
so late when you’ve slept in and say “I feel asleep last night with my arm(s)
in an unusual position. When I awoke it was completely numb thus
incapacitating me till now!!
- 1160. I just terminated an
employee today who did not come back to work after the 4 day July 4th
holiday because he said he was just too tired to work on that day.
- 1161. This actually happened to
me...twice. I threw my back out while brushing my teeth. I missed three days
for that. Oddly enough, that same day one of my coworkers called in sick
because he fell off of his roof and landed on the pavement. The second time
I threw my back out was when I bent down to pick up the cat. I only got 2
days for that one, but I was still in a lot of pain. I think I would rather
have worked than to go through that pain again.
- 1162. I went on vacation for a
week, and I really wanted to have the next day of, because I came back on a
Wednesday, and my boss expected for me to be back working by Thursday. so I
called the last night I was on my vacation, and told my boss the plane broke
down and I wouldn't be coming back until late Thursday night, so I would be
able to go back to work until the next Monday. (ps: I had only been working
for a week when this happened, is my first job, and I'm 15 :) , and then
they say teenagers are ignorant, lol)
- 1163. This actually happened
this past Saturday night 07/08/06, this dude came to work, decided he didn't
want to stay so he told the boss, I just got finished throwing up so much I
think I threw up my toenails, guess what he went home, so the new thing at
work is ewe I think you guys need to get maintenance in the rest room and
clean up all those toenails, we cant even get in the stall.
- 1164. I live in an apartment
complex. My apartment parking lot is extremely small. We have a red curb
(fire lane, no parking). I have had to call in late several times because
I've had to wait for the tow trucks to unblock the parking lot of the cars
parked illegally. TRUE!!!
- 1165. I was at work and very
hung over so I wanted to go home to sleep. I told my boss that my neighbor
called and saw my cat in my window throwing up so I needed to leave to take
her to the vet. I never got questioned and there were no repercussions to my
excuse!
- 1166. On Sunday I went to the
beach. I went out on my air mattress and fell asleep. I floated into the
gulf stream and was picked up by a passing cruise ship. They dropped me off
in the Bahamas and I have to wait for the Coast Guard to pick me up and take
me back.
- 1167. One of my employees came
to me at 6:00pm on night and told me that he would not be in tomorrow,
because he might have to have a vasectomy tonight and he won't feel up to it
the next day!
- 1168. Tell them you and anyone
else who lives with you has the stomach flu and don't be afraid to invent
gory details about what's shooting out of where.
- 1169. One of my co-workers rang
in to say that she couldn't come in to work because her front door wouldn't
open. Our boss told her to climb through a window! But she told him she
lives on the fifth floor. The same person also rang in to say she had to
take her dog to the vets as she had tied it to a signpost in front of a
shop, but the dog had been scared by something and ran off into the road,
taking the signpost with him!!
- 1170. Well I was watching T.V.
and it told me not to go anywhere. I'm afraid I can't come in today.
- 1171. I can't come to work
today. My child's swing set collapsed and I need to fix it.
- 1172. I just threw up and I
cant find a breath mint. You still want me to come in?
- 1173. I let my dog out this
morning and he took off, I have to find him.
- 1174. I was up all night
because the people across the street were partying.
- 1175. I have the best excuse!
Don't ever tell why aren't you coming to work. Just say that you're not
coming and hang up. Trust me, it works every time. If they call your house
don't answer. Next day tell them you were not home.
- 1176. This one was actually
used by a man at a place I work. He called in saying that: "He couldn't come
in tonight because his cat is diabetic and he needs to stay home to give her
insulin if she needs it. And also he had called about 5 or 6 times in to say
he couldn't come in because his grandma died. One can't help but wonder how
many grandmas he has.
- 1177. This actually happened to
me I slept in because my mum was snoring last night and I had to put ear
plugs in to get to sleep and didn't hear the alarm go off.
- 1178. I used this excuse a
couple of years ago and it worked. By the way, it's all true. I called the
office to tell them that I won't be coming in to work that day because my
next-door neighbour's house was broken into last night at 4 am. (the
neighbour is a couple of old folks living with their 35-year-old single
daughter) My husband & I heard the ruckus and immediately called the police.
Luckily, the intruders ran away when my husband shouted at them. He &
another neighbour went after the intruders. They return about 15 minutes
later to tell us that they lost them in the dark. I was scared but had to
comfort the old lady and her daughter until the police arrived. When finally
the police arrived, we each have to tell them our account of the story. By
the time it was all over, it was almost 7 am and we were all too tired from
all the excitement to go to work.
- 1179. I wont be in today, while
gardening last night I chopped off half of my right foot with a shovel.
- 1180. My pet monkey just died
and I need some time to grieve.
- 1181. I will not be coming to
work today, I was in a terrible plane crash. My entire family was killed and
I am a vegetable. From the cartoon Family Guy :)
- 1182. I can't come to work
today because there's a Star Trek marathon on TV.
- 1183. Can't make it into work
today, I have a severe migraine probably caused by the stab wound to the
back yesterday by a co-worker!!
- 1184. Two hilarious excuses
that a co-worker of mine used were;
1 - A UFO
landed in my drive way last night and is blocking me in, so I can't get my
car out of the drive way.
2 - I was
collecting earth worms last night for fishing, and one bit me in the leg.
It's all swollen up now and I can't walk on it.
Well friends this is all for now. I hope you enjoy this place and please go
to the Submit Excuses page and send your excuses in!
If you like this web site, please
Email a link to your friends.
Madtbone
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