The Mother of All Excuses Place

 

Work Excuses # 800 and up.

 

  • 801.  I cant come to work today, I don't feel that I am being appreciated there.

     
  • 802.  I cant come to work today, I coughed three times in succession. Though I have no other symptoms, I 'd better stay home just in case.

     
  • 803.  I am a team leader and I have a ton of excuses that people use.  This one is just stupid, I have to go home, look at my eyes see how big the pupils are!  Yes they are big, what happened get a little flashy?  (we work in a weld shop)  No my eyes were bothering me and I grabbed some eye drops and after I put them in I noticed they were for my cat.  Well with the attendance problem this guy has I told him he must get in touch with a person who could excuse this (almost laughing in his face).  He actually called the plant manager and I guess instead of wanting to laugh at him he told him to go home.

     
  • 804.  Sorry I can not make it in to work today, I have to go to the doctor because I have a tampon stuck in me.

     
  • 805.  I can't come to work today because I don't have a job here.  Sorry, Boss.

     
  • 806.  Have a friend call into your work and tell them this:  Hi, I'm _________'s cousin and I am calling to let you know that our grandma was just admitted to the hospital for having a seizure, stroke, and a heart attack all within 5 minuets of each other and it doesn't look like she is going to make it very much longer.  I am calling to let you know that ________ is not going to be able to make it to work today because he/she is up at the hospital.  Thank you.

     
  • 807.  I won't be in until after lunch. I'm having a bad hair day and I have to go home to wash it.

     
  • 808.  I once called into work and said I didn't know when I was going to show up because I had locked my keys inside my car and had to wait for the police to come unlock it for me.

     
  • 809.  This happened to my husband about 3 years ago...  "I'm sorry sir, I can't come into work today.  My car is sitting in a junkyard, because I was hit by a drunk driver last night.  He's doing fine, apparently the alcohol was a great shock absorber, but my car is destroyed.  And on top of that, I threw my back out and I have bruises on my fingertips where I gripped the steering wheel, so I won't be typing for months.  Thank you."

     
  • 810.  A nurse that I work with took off from work one day because her husband's dog died over the weekend and she had to help him.

     
  • 811.  I'm sorry I was off work yesterday but my cat had the flu and I had to drown it.

     
  • 812.  I can't come to work today because I forgot my car at home.

     
  • 813.  This guy came to work and I think he pissed, and he gave the lamest excuse to the boss:  "Yesterday I bumped into a dead catfish and it told me not to go to work tomorrow and I believed it."  (true story)

     
  • 814.  A co-worker left early 1 day (3:00 pm) to go to a funeral (cemetery). Lives 1 hour away, picks up wife, cemetery another hour away. It's 5:00 pm now (dark out)!  Called in next day said he slipped on the ice at the cemetery threw his back out.  Came back to work 4 days later.

     
  • 815.  A co-worker told the boss 1 day that he had to go a funeral the next day for a Dear old Aunt and needed the day off.  He also stated that he was giving the Eulogy.  He comes back to work and was confronted by another co-worker on how the funeral and Eulogy went for his Uncle, oh just fine every thing went well!

     
  • 816.  I won't be into work today because I am stuck inside my wife.  Trust me I would rather be working!!!

     
  • 817.  I can't come to work today, I just don't feel like it.

     
  • 818.  I can't go to work today, I keep having panic attacks.

     
  • 819.  I can't go to work today, I have been diagnosed "perfectly healthy".

     
  • 820.  I can't come to work today, because I don't want to.

     
  • 821.  I'm sorry, honey I can't come to work, I'm not in the mood.

     
  • 822.  I can't come to work today because I had a psychic premonition that I would hate it there.

     
  • 823.  I can't come to work today, I only have five hours left to live.

     
  • 824.  I can't come to work today, I have more important things to do.

     
  • 825.  I need to go on an emergency holiday in three weeks time, a family member going to pass away un expectantly.

     
  • 826.  My Maintenance Supervisor had his girlfriend call in to work to let us know he was going to be out for the morning the next day due to a doctors appointment.  When he called the next morning to let us know he was going to be in a half an hour later, I asked how his doctors appointment went and he let me know he had strep throat.  Needless to say what really happened was he had spent the night in the county jail.

     
  • 827.  Really happened, I live on a Dead End street.  One day I woke up to a banging on my door and a cop yelling "this is the S.W.A.T. team get out now there is a man with a gun in your attic" so I grabbed my phone, my cat and ran.  When I got outside they went in and realized it was the house before mine.  I called work to tell them what happened and but my boss didn't believe me so I gave the phone to one of the cops who had to tell them what was going on and that I couldn't leave my street until they got him out of the other house.  When he gave me the phone back my boss told me "ok, I believe you don't want to come in, but isn't this going to an extreme!"  Later that day I was able to go to work and by the time I got there it was all over the news and so was I in my pajama's! 

     
  • 828.  The reason I was off work yesterday is because I had amnesia and forgot I had a job.


     
  • 829.  On the way to work, my dashboard fell out.

     
  • 830.  Call in and say, "sorry my dog ate my phone and I need to get it fixed."

     
  • 831.  A co-worker of mine was late getting back from her lunch break.  We asked her, and she said that a guy she had left with at the start of her lunch break had been stalking her and she had been trying to lose him in town.  Our supervisor bought it, but when she went home that evening I realized that the guy she claimed was stalking her was actually her boyfriend.  No, I didn't snitch.

     
  • 832.  I'm sorry... I just can't make it in to work today... my... uh... explosive diarrhea has to take priority.

     
  • 833.  I won't be in today.  My girlfriend is in labor and I am at the hospital with her.  If my wife calls, please tell her I am unavailable.

     
  • 834.  Years ago I had accepted a job at an engineering firm as a draftsman (a long time ago men drew the drawings for the engineers) and was to start on Monday morning at 8:00 am.  I was up early and was getting ready when my pooch Johnna wanted out.  So I opened the hatch on my sailboat and let her out she rushed onto the cockpit and jumped for the pier.  But that morning she did not make it and fell in the drink.  Because of an exceptionally low tide that day.  I could not get her back to the stern of the boat and there was no way to climb down to her from the pier.  So I waited for the tide to come in and called my new employer that I'd be late because my dog fell overboard.

    When I got to work Herb Sullivan (a prince of a man) came up to me and said "We normally run the alibi contest from January the first to December the 31st, but after today we have our winner for the years.  My dog fell overboard! I've never heard that one before and doubt I'll ever hear it again"

    And that folks is a true story!!

     
  • 835.  I cannot make it to work today.  My fish tank is leaking.

     
  • 836.  Boss: Why are you late?   Worker: Because I'm not on time.  Boss: This report is a disgrace!  How did this happen?   Worker: Sorry, I was just trying out the eCretin 2003, the ultimate in moronic technology!

     
  • 837.  Some one broke into my house last night, it looks like they didn't take anything and there isn't any damage, there are clothes every where and dishes scattered throughout, my place is an absolute mess, I will be in when I get this mess cleaned up and I hope they catch the fool who did this!

     
  • 838.  "The cat was in a hammock on the radiator.  The radiator fell off the wall.  I'm on the way to the vet."

     
  • 839.  You: I'm Sorry, I cannot attend work because of some family business...   BOSS: And what's this business about?   YOU: If I tell you ill need to kill you.

     
  • 840.  True Story:   A very good friend of mine "Tony" went to his sisters wedding.  He left early from work on Friday.  A week later he had not returned and no one from the office could get a hold of him.  That following Monday he sheepishly returned and went to work at his drafting table.  This is what happened.  Tony went to his hometown for the wedding and 4 hours before the nuptials he was so stinking drunk he picked a fight with a kid he'd grown up with, the kid was now a city policeman, and in that part of Pennsylvania who should not fight the law.  They tossed him in the can and he spent the entire week waiting for the judge to hear the case.  When the owner of the company Herb Sullivan (a prince of a man) came in he demanded that Tony tell him if "it hurt a lot".  Herb kept asking "Just tell me the truth Tony, did it hurt a lot?"  Tony; "What are you talking about Herb"  Herb: "G__D___ it Tony did it hurt?? " Tony: "Please Herb What are you talking about?"  Herb: "You know when you joined the Marines and they put that big hose up to your head and sucked all your brains out.  DID IT HURT ALOT?"  We all just roared with laughter.  And that's all Herb ever said on the matter.  God Bless him.

     
  • 841.  I'm in middle management at a small company, and our Vice President actually called in one morning and sent a picture via email:  "I'll be in a little late, 'cause I backed out of my garage and forgot to open the garage door.  It's trashed."  And, it was!

     
  • 842.  Sorry, I know I am 30 minutes late, but when I drank my coffee it was so hot that I burned my tongue.  Then I had to stick my tongue in the freezer for 20 minutes to cook it off.

     
  • 843.  My step mom does this all the time.  She goes drinking at night and skips work the next day 'cause she's having a hangover.

     
  • 844.  I'm sorry I was late.  I puked on myself on the way to work and had to go home and change.

     
  • 845.  The power went out at my house and my garage door will not open!

     
  • 846.  I used to in the food industry, So if you wanted to take time off all you had to do was phone in with a stomach upset or "flu like symptoms" and that was that.  Then the rules were changed stomach upsets that lasted for less than 12 hours you could not go to work for 24 hours after the last episode, over 12 hours and it was 48 hours.

     
  • 847.  My best excuse was that a tree had trapped me, it had I was using an axe to cut some of the smaller branches of a large branch of an oak tree and it rolled over and trapped my leg.  It took 11 people to free me and 6 weeks before the dressing came off.

     
  • 848.  I've used this a few times.  Sometimes you only want one crappy ass shift off so here it is.  Say you have an inflamed hip, shoulder, back, neck etc. and am unable to walk, lift, stand, support head.  The next day, if asked about your "Miraculous Recovery."  Just say you took an over the counter anti inflammatory such as ibuprofen.

     
  • 849.  I'm sorry, my dog is constipated and I'm staying home to give him an enema.

     
  • 850.  I can't come in today because I accidentally sent all my underwear and clothes to the laundry and I can't even go out to get them until my mother comes over in 2 days with some used clothes.

     
  • 851.  I had to bring my little boy to the doctor.

     
  • 852.  The battery in my door opener and car alarm is dead and I can't turn off my alarm.  I have to go buy a new one and I'll be in later.

     
  • 853.  An excuse my sister use to use to call in too work every Monday for a complete year before she got fired, I can't come in today my grandmother died.  Finally before they caned her they asked her do you realize that every Monday for a complete year you have called in with the same excuse your grandmother died?  She said, yea I was waiting for you too catch on.

     
  • 854.  I can't come in to work today.  The muffler bearings have gone out on my van.

     
  • 855.  Sorry I can't make it into work today, but I took a Viagra by mistake this morning and now I can't get my trousers done up!

     
  • 856.  A co-worker of mine just used this one a few days ago.  My friend fell off the roof, I won't be able to make it in today, I have to take them to the hospital.  If it was true, who knows, but it worked.

     
  • 857.  I have use this one before and it worked for being late.  The main road was blocked off, I turned down a side street and got lost.

     
  • 858.  I had to call off work once because I threw my back out blow drying my hair.  No one really believed me but it was the truth!

     
  • 859.  Please excuse Bobby Bonner from work today his mother was admitted into the hospital.

     
  • 860.  Not showing up for work excuse:  Sorry for not coming to work yesterday.  My mom made me get this job, but since she passed away yesterday, I don't feel like working for you anymore!!!

     
  • 861.  If your late for work, find your boss before he finds you and ask HIM why HE was late... that oughta mess with his mind.

     
  • 862.  Boss: Why are you late?  Employee: I was trying to figure out an excuse to miss work today, but couldn't.

     
  • 863.  Boss: Why did you miss work yesterday?  Employee: Why, don't be silly.  Every day I'm not at work, every second I'm apart from (work place) I miss my work.  I can't help it!  I love my job!  Boss: Huh?

     
  • 864.  The  30 Minute Excuse!  Sorry I cant make it in to work today, but my ass was exploding in the toilet this afternoon, and when I tried to get up I slipped and knocked myself unconscious on the edge of the bath tub and didn't come to consciousness until 30 minutes after I was supposed to be into work.

     
  • 865.  Sorry I couldn't make it in.  I awoke this morning and found that there was a fungus growing all over my walls.  This fungus was featured recently on the Discovery channel as the most common household killer, and I feel very quaint.  Tomorrow doesn't look good very good for me either.

     
  • 866.  Sorry about not coming in.  All of my clothes have been devoured by weevils.  The weevils attacked and devoured my hair too.  I am so very cold.

     
  • 867.  I have not been at work for the last two weeks because of the following reasons:  As I left the house on Monday morning, I was kidnapped by a group of desperate squirrels who took me to the woods and locked me in a dark, cold room.  There was an earthquake and the walls fell down, so I managed to escape and run to a phone box to call you.  As I approached the phone box, there was a total eclipse of the sun and I ended up in crate by mistake, which was then put onto a ship by a giant crane.  I woke up in Australia As I was an illegal immigrant, I was arrested and put in jail.  After two days, I was released and sent back to England.  On the way back to my house, I tripped over and broke both my legs.  Unfortunately, on the way to hospital, the ambulance hit a truck and exploded, throwing me high into the air.  I landed in the sea and was luckily saved by a group of wild dolphins who carried me on their backs to safety.  Unfortunately again, they took me to France and I was arrested for not carrying my passport.  I tried to explain what happened to the Police, but my French is really bad, so what I said to them, apparently, translated into: “I am on a secret mission to destroy your government and I have a gun in my pocket”.  They got very angry and
    threw me in jail.  Luckily, I found a spoon in my cell and managed to dig a hole through the floor and escape.  After four days of dragging myself to Calais, I managed to get onto a boat and hide.  Unfortunately, the boat hit a rock and sank halfway across the channel, so I had to cling onto a piece of wood and wait for the current to take me back to Dover.  Two days passed and finally I saw land.  As I drifted onto shore, I was knocked unconscious and suffered from amnesia.  I didn’t know who I was or where I lived.  A kindly fishermen took me to his cottage where he and his wife nursed me back to health.  After three days, they took me to the Police who then arrested me as I resembled a wanted bank robber.  After I convinced them that they had the wrong person, they let me go and I made my way home.  During all the mishaps I encountered, I had lost the keys to my house, so I climbed the wall to reach an open window and then fell off and broke my neck.  Hopefully, I will be in next week.

     
  • 868.  I can't make it to work because work upsets me.

     
  • 869.  I can't make it to work because I have no excuses, and need to day to make up excuses to miss work.

     
  • 870.  I can't make it to work because I won the lottery.

     
  • 871.  I can't make it in today... My next door neighbor's dog has crapped on my strawberry patch.

     
  • 872.  I can't come in to work today because there are too many people playing "Power Trip" and I don't know who to report to anymore.

     
  • 873.  Supervisor called employee at 10am on a Friday morning after he had not arrived into work.  The excuse was, "I thought it was Saturday so I slept in."

     
  • 874.  I had a delivery driver who worked for me who didn't show up one morning.  I called him and reminded him he was late.  He said he wouldn't be coming in till later.  I asked why and he said he just found out he was not "a morning person".  I fired him.

     
  • 875.  I can't make it to work today because I was stung on the foot and cannot get my shoe on.

     
  • 876.  My wife is too sick to get me out of bed.

     
  • 877.  I got stung by a bee on my foot, and it got really swollen and it hurts really bad to walk on it.

     
  • 878.  One time I didn't show up for work. The next day my boss says where were you. I said I started my period ok.  He turned red and walked away.
     
  • 879.  I had to use this excuse the other day, the apartments I live in were doing construction on the outside of all the apartments and I live on the second floor so I had to call and say... "I couldn't come to class because they just concreted my porch, so I was cemented into my apartment."

     
  • 880.  I am in the Navy and I hear things like this constantly - Sorry I'm late, I got out of the house a little late and then on my way to work I saw a guy on the highway with a flat tire so I decided to stop and help him out.

     
  • 881.  I am in the Navy and I hear things like this constantly - I didn't think I had to work today.

     
  • 882.  I used this after not showing up to work one Friday night.. "Oh I must've read the schedule wrong because when I looked there was nothing there next to my name."

     
  • 883.  I am a registered nurse working in a hospital in this area.  Over the past 12 years There was a nurse who called off a couple of weeks for a complete hysterectomy.  Wait, not once, but three different times.

     
  • 884.  I moved to Missouri, and had to cross several bridges to make it to work.  One day during a freeze I spun out crossing a bridge.  Me being originally from California after that when the temperature dropped well below freezing I called off because the bridges were frozen.  I did this for 3 years about 20 times a year, and was never questioned about it.

     
  • 885.  An excuse from a chronically absent employee.  "I was on my way to work when I started coughing which caused me to puke all over the windshield and shit in my pants, so I won't be in to work."

     
  • 886.  Some strange things happen at my house, and everyone at work thinks my house is haunted, me included.  I called in to work and stated that furniture was moving around and that I couldn't open the door.  And if someone could come to the house and help me I could come to work. No one ever showed up . I've used that excuse twice.

     
  • 887.  Tell them you bum hurts.  They wont ask you a thing.  Nobody wants to be the one who know about you sore bum.

     
  • 888.  Won't be in today (Monday) because Monday seriously ruins my weekend!

     
  • 889.  I can't come to work today, my steering wheel was stolen.

     
  • 890.  I can't come to work today, I have Ecoli.

     
  • 891.  I cant come into work today because I have food poisoning.  I went out with the lads last night and we had a cheap curry, we all ended up sick except for  _______, who just had a coke!  Sorry!

     
  • 892.  I have a friend who was on her way into work and had to turn around once she got there because she had forgot to put her dress on.  She was only wearing her slip!  I was a long distance friend of hers and was talking with her on her cell phone when it happened.

     
  • 893.  I cant come into work today, I left my sunroof open on my car and this hurricane we are having has flooded my car out.  I would just drive to work soaked, then change into new clothes when I got there, but its laundry day and what I have on is all that is clean.

     
  • 894.  I once called in & told the boss "I was standing on a chair hanging curtains, the cat jumped on the chair, made me lose my balance & I fell & hurt my back.  It's only bruised, see you tomorrow."  Here's one I recently overheard  from Massachusetts: Monday "sally was a no show".  On Tuesday she calls the boss.  Sorry I wasn't there yesterday, I’m stuck in Philadelphia.  Went there for the weekend to visit pregnant daughter while here her boyfriend pushed her down the stairs, she broke a rib& it poked the baby, after her surgery, sally went to daughters boyfriends home & broke his arm.  Well at the end of this excuse who cares to ask why she didn't call on Monday or when sally would be in. P.S. after successful surgery the daughter had a healthy baby.

     
  • 895.  I've actually used this and it worked.  I'm so sorry that I don't have the work, but you see, my dog had puppies recently, and they've gotten out of the box, and somehow the disk with my assignment on it was on the floor and one of the puppies (I've used both) peed on it/ chewed it up.

     
  • 896.  This last year has been full of mishaps!  On an average I miss about 4 days of work a month.  Here are some of the excuses I used for things that really happened.

    I will not be in to work today because...

    I am in jail. There is a chance they won't release me so I might not be in tomorrow either.

    The Public Defender screwed up and they issued a warrant for my arrest.

    I was rear ended in traffic and my truck was totaled and I have whiplash.

    I stepped on a piece of glass and can't get it out so I have to go to the doctor.

    I had an anxiety attack in the middle of the night and need to take care of some personal things.

    I don't have a ride.

    I electrocuted myself last night and am waiting for the electrician to check the wiring in my house so I don't have to live in fear.

    The toilet won't stop overflowing and I'm waiting for the Plummer.

    I impaled my hand on a cactus and it's swollen 3x it's normal size an I think I should go to the doctor.

    The doctor put me on pain pills for the cactus thing and I feel kinda funny. I think it would be best if I stayed home.

    An old family friend came into town.

    I'm in the emergency room. I woke up with a swollen throat and a strange rash.

    I forgot to set my alarm and didn't wake up until 3:00 this afternoon.

    I don't want to talk about it right now... but I'll most likely see you tomorrow.

    The dentist got carried away with the Novocain and I can't stop drooling.

    Anyways... these are only a few. The funniest thing is they're all true and I still have my job.

     
  • 897.  "My cat walked on my alarm clock and changed the time so I woke up late." This actually happened to me *wink wink*

     
  • 898.  I can't go to work, to tired.  I dreamed last night I couldn't sleep and woke up tired.

     
  • 899.  There was a skunk and he sprayed right next my room.  We had to wash all my clothes.

     
  • 900.  A employee is always calling in for some excuse but the excuse that me and my co-workers laugh at is the latest one.  She called in bout an hour before she had to be at work and said her babysitter ran into the wall and she had to take her to the hospital, but what is weird is that her mom watches her baby.

     
  • 901.  Sorry can't come in to work today been having frequent breathing problems and I haven't taken my medication.

     
  • 902.  A Marine I worked with in California had a bad habit of stopping to surf on his way to work.  One day, having arrived about an hour late, he came up with his best excuse:  I was driving to work in my jeep, luckily I didn't have the top on today, cause I saw this little girl leaning out the window of a station wagon.  I could tell the family didn't have much money, cause it was an old beat up station wagon.  Anyways, I kept my eye on the little girl, cause I knew she'd fall out of the window.  Sure 'nuff!  She fell out the window.  I was right beside the station wagon when it happened, so I reached out and grabbed her.  You know how little kids jeans have little, tiny, belt loops?  Well, it wasn't easy but I got my big finger into those little tiny belt loops and yanked her into the jeep.  But that's not why I'm late.  The mayor of San Diego was behind me and she stopped and wanted me to go to city hall so she could award me in front of everyone.  But that's not why I'm late either, see I spent too long arguing with
    the mayor that I couldn't go back to San Diego cause I'd be late for work.  Boss:  Lamont, why is your hair wet?  Uh... cause I was so wound up from saving that little girl by her little belt loop that I stopped at the beach to recover for a moment, and well, while I was there, these awesome waves were coming in and, well...I uh... Boss-You went surfing, didn't you?  Yeah, but that's not why I'm late... didn't you listen?  It didn't really work the first time, and it really didn't work the 2nd time, 9 months later, when he tried it again.

     
  • 903.  Sorry. I thought I had already put in my 2 weeks' notice.

     
  • 904.  The dog was asleep behind the car, so I couldn't back out of the driveway.

     
  • 905.  My wife makes more money than I do, so I have to stay at home with our sick son.

     
  • 906.  My wife and son took both cars, and when I went outside, there was nothing in the driveway.

     
  • 907.  I forgot what day it was. I thought it was the weekend.

     
  • 908.  I am stuck in the blood-pressure machine down at the WalMart."

    I'm sorry I didn't make it! My car broke down; I ran out of gas; my mother died; I had to go to the doctor; there was an earthquake. It wasn't my fault!

     
  • 909.  My roommate locked me in the bathroom.

     
  • 910.  I hit a mountain lion on the way to work.

     
  • 911.  The jury I was on was sequestered, and we weren't allowed to leave or contact the outside world.

     
  • 912.  I can't come in to work, my eyelashes hurt.

     
  • 913.  I was late/couldn't come to work because the police took over my house as a command post because there was a criminal living across the street.

     
  • 914.  I was at the public pool yesterday and must've ingested some fecal spores when someone accidentally splashed foamy water in my mouth I'm really sick and won't make it in today.

     
  • 915.  I wont be in today (Monday) because Monday seriously ruins my weekend!

     
  • 916.  I moved into an apartment with a garage that had a padlock on it instead of automatically opening.  I thought it would be a good idea to put the padlock key on a different keychain so I wouldn't have to turn off my car to unlock the garage.  I came home very tired one day and put my car away.  The next morning, I woke up for my 4 am shift and went out to get my car, and realized that I had locked the key for the padlock in my car!  I had to call work and tell them if they wanted me to come in, someone would have to come get me.  Luckily, I only lived 3 miles away, so they sent this stoner guy, but he couldn't figure out how I managed to lock my car in my garage.  Yes, I am blonde, but really I was exhausted from working 4 am shifts for too many years.

     
  • 917.  I worked as the day bartender in a neighborhood dive bar.  It was easy to get someone to cover for me, and my manager didn't get to upset when I wanted a day off-so I took advantage.  (He has admitted that I was one of his best, most reliable employees in years!?!)  Some of my reasons for wanting time off were:

    My best friend's grandpa died so I'm going down to LA to help with the after funeral party and for her moral support. 

    I need to get my hair done, and it's an hour drive each way, so I may as well take the whole day off.  (This happened every 4 weeks, but one time I came back and I still had roots!) 

    A customer was mean today and made me cry so I want tomorrow off because I'm feeling very sensitive and PMSe.

    I need a change of locale so I want to take 2 extra days off to go to Mexico with my boyfriend to drink beer down there.

    When I returned from Mexico, my car had been stolen so I need the next day off to deal with the police report, etc making it a 6 day weekend. (The car was found without damage, but out of gas at 7:30 the next morning.)

    I started the Atkins diet over the weekend and am exhausted because I have had no carbs for energy so I want to stay home and sleep.

    You gave me too many free drinks last night on your shift and if I even smell alcohol today, I will puke.

    I have to go downtown for an exam for another job.

     
  • 918.  I actually used this excuse and it was true. In the days before ATM cards, I needed cash before the bank lobby opened.  As I turned the corner to enter the drive-thru, there were numerous cows blocking the drive-thru lanes.  Being a city girl, I had to wait until the farmer came to claim his cows.

     
  • 919.  Man, I was so anxious about the drug test that I had to smoke a joint to calm my nerves. (I used this excuse as a new hire when I tested positive for THC.)

    I used this excuse after missing my very first day of work. "The Company Clinic called me yesterday morning and told me I tested positive for cocaine. I figured I wasn't hired so why show up? Later that night I found out my ex had a friend of her's call me and impersonate the doctor so I'd lose the job. (it worked)

     
  • 920.  Girlfriend on coworker:  Sandy can't come into work today, because he cut his finger this past weekend and had to go to the emergency room and now the pain medication he is on has knocked him out....  Boss: But he missed this past Thursday and Friday too!  Girlfriend: Never mind that he used excuses the past 3 days to make it a 5 day weekend.  This is a life or death situation here.  Good-bye.

     
  • 921.  The fuse for my bedroom popped last night and my alarm clock didn't go off.

     
  • 922.  I'm sorry I'm not at work last week, but I had a freak accident, I was giving the house a spring clean and I accidentally knocked a clock off the mantle peace and it landed on my dogs tail, my dog went crazy and started to run round the house so I tried to catch him to calm him down but he ran strait into the fridge and I got my legs trapped under the falling fridge.  I completely lost the feeling in my legs for three days, and have only got it back, I was lucky but my dog wasn't as lucky because he died, so I wont be in work tomorrow either because I will be attending my dogs funeral.

     
  • 923.  I had a co-worker call in because he had a sneezing attack and bruised his lungs.

     
  • 924.  My life can be stranger than fiction, this is true.  A moth flew into my alarm clock.  The night before, I had been reading by candle light, and accidentally burned a small hole in my alarm clock.  When my alarm did not go off the next morn.  I noticed a fluttering sound. A moth had been attracted to the red led light.

     
  • 925.  I can't come in today I got sprayed by a skunk!

     
  • 926.  If you and some work buddies go for a few beers at lunch and one of really can't handle your drink, and are slightly giggly or have a dazed expression.  Get out of it by saying your on severe headache tablets and were unaware of the reaction ONE beer would make!

     
  • 927.  My coworker (we'll call him Jim) claims his dog knocked him into his backyard picnic table breaking his ribs.  He missed two days of work.  Then a week later he came to work late claiming he sneezed in the shower, and because it hurt his ribs so much he fell in the shower.  Unable to get up he laid there with no one to come to his rescue.  After several minutes of calling for his sleeping wife in vain, his faithful hound (the same dog that "broke" his ribs) came in the door.  He was able to grab his collar and was drug to freedom.  Of course no one was able to keep a straight face when he told us of his morning plight.

     
  • 928.  My sister got bit by a dog and I have to take her to the hospital.  She has a wrist brace so I'm gonna talk to her about dropping by work tomorrow if I go.

     
  • 929.  I did not come to work yesterday because I thought when you said I was getting a promotion. I would get to work less, get paid a ridiculous amount of money, and do a horrible job like you.

     
  • 930.  I worked for a company that was celebrating 10 years in business.  The boss was generous enough to take all the employees and their 'dates' to a local horse racing track, gave gifts to all the employees, fed everyone and gave the employees 10 $10.00 bills to bet on the races with.  Part way through the event one of the girls (a total slacker to begin with) asked the boss for the day off on Monday because she had a job interview.  The sad part is that he let her have the day & didn't fire her!

     
  • 931.  I regret I cannot come to work today.  I was practicing with my three section staff and smacked my knee.  Aforesaid knee is now the size of a grapefruit and I can't stand.

     
  • 932.  Sorry I'm late, I had to answer the bat signal.

     
  • 933.  I worked at pizza hut and my boss told us once that a former employee called in one afternoon and stated she couldn't make it in because her boyfriend and her decided to use an extremely large dildo during sex and it got lodged in her "private area".  She ended up going to the ER to have it removed.  The boss decided since she actually had the nerve to reveal this, that he would let her slide.  Turns out, it was true.

     
  • 934.  I can't come to work today I lost or some one broke into my house and stole my ID card.  No one will know who I am, or I won't know who I am.

     
  • 935.  I was working with a woman named Marion - she's very sweet, but a little dizzy at times.  One morning, ( after working at the same place for the last three years) she came in almost an hour late.  Our manager asked her what happened, why she was late, and she told him, straight-faced, that she had gotten lost on her way to work because the sun was in her eyes and she missed her turn.  He told her, if it had been anyone else he wouldn't have believed them, but because it was her, he was sure it was true.

     
  • 936.  I've used this several times but the original was 10 years ago, I woke up one morning hearing my boss on my answering machine asking why I wasn't in yet.  I looked at the clock and noticed I was 2 hours late, I quickly got dressed went out to my car, popped the hood, ran my hands around the engine collecting grease and rubbed it up my arms and across my face, when I got to work I told my boss I had broken down on a freeway in downtown Detroit and pulled up right behind a stripped car, there was no way I was leaving my car there, so I had to get it running, my boss gave me the rest of the day off excused.  On a related note once when going to a job interview I had gotten lost and was late, so I rubbed my arms over the wet tires and went in and said I'm so sorry, I got a flat on the way here, and I just need to know if I can wash up somewhere first.  Seeing those dirty hands no one ever thinks twice.

     
  • 937.  Actually used by one a scary, as in kill you and eat you, scary security men.  He wrote a note and left it for the day shift supervisor:  "I won't be in today because my paycheck is missing 3 hours.  If I don't get a new check for the 3 hours with interest, I'm never coming back".  We calculated it out and it was about 47 cents!

     
  • 938.  Flat tire excuse that works every time!  Say you want to be late for work.  So call in and tell them about your tire problem.  Next prior to coming back to work, rub your hands all over one of your tires.  I can tell you within 30 seconds you will have filthy, black dirty hands.  When you get back to work and have to see the boss or whoever, start talking about your flat tire and at the same time show your dirty hands.  They will believe it!!  If you want to make it really look good, rub your dirty hands on your closes at bit, face if need be and you will look top notch.  This excuse works great.  So you decide how dirty you need to be!!,  Ha, Ha.  Good Luck and Many Happy Excuses!

     
  • 939.  I work in a small cafe in Wisconsin.  One day one of the waitresses called in saying she could not work today because she is sunburned.  This was in December.

     
  • 940.  I had an employee call in and stated` that he could not come in to work because his sister had a stroke in her eye.  Another employees girlfriend called in to say her boyfriend could not make it in because he had a bone in his leg.

     
  • 941.  Well I have a Job Interview about a year ago I was 7 months pregnant at the time so I completely forgot about it (when your pregnant you get very absent minded Medical fact really) so at around oh 1:30pm I remembered I had had the interview at 10am so I called the place where it was supposed to be and told them I had, had to get a Diabetes test done the kind were you drink the orange soda and wait 4 hours.  And that the DR had called me in to do it at 7 am.  Well it took 4 hours she said why are you not calling me until 1:30?  I actually said I couldn't find your number and didn't remember I could call 411 tell like 5 minutes ago. (At the time it sounded reasonable to me one of my many blond moments)  I also was not expecting this Question so hadn't come up with a good answer Well needless to say I never interviewed for the job and now realized it was the worst excuse ever.

     
  • 942.  I'm feeling far too well to come to work today.

     
  • 943.  Ok, if you want to go out drinking a night on a school night and you know your boss will rumble you for being hung-over.  Take the day off ,just call in with flu, food poisoning, something like that.  Then go out and get smashed that evening.  Go in to work the next day looking like crap, hang around for a few minutes, then say your to sick to be at work and go home.  So you end up getting 2 days off, management think you tried hard to come in even though you were sick.  In reality you've skived 2 days off, had a great night and management think your a hero.

     
  • 944.  "I can't come in to work today because I have ergophobia.  Fear of going to work. Also, it's Monday all over again."  This one really works!

     
  • 945.  I will be late today because I have to go to the doctor's. (Upon insistent questioning from unsympathetic temp controller).  I got a tampon stuck up me last night and I need to get some antibiotics.

     
  • 946.  I'm late because you came to me in a dream and pleaded with me not to come in on time today.

     
  • 947.  I cant come in my hair looks too funny.

     
  • 948.  Sorry I couldn't get to work, I couldn't find the bus stop.

     
  • 949.  I cant come into work today because I have sore toenails.

     
  • 950.  I wont be in work today because my fingers seized up.

     
  • 951.  I live in the UK and this occurred some 8 years ago when gun crime was rare here. Whilst working as a field engineer I phoned in with this true excuse " I am stuck in my house as there are armed police surrounding the school across the road."  Some guy had held up an ambulance crew with an air pistol the best thing was all the young mothers using my phone.

     
  • 952.  I won't be able to come to work today, cos' my goat committed suicide. (Actual excuse)  In rural area's, grazing goat's are tied with a string to avoid them from wondering, and I guess this goat slipped, and was strangled.

     
  • 953.  This is what I use when I'm late for work (not sure if it will work for you though).  I was getting off the bus when my coat button got caught in the door n the bus took me 2 stops too far!

     
  • 954.  I can't go to work for 2 weeks because I slipped on a banana peel and I broke my arm.

     
  • 955.  It was suggested to me by my boss to submit one of my favorite excuses for being late.  "Hi Tracy, sorry but I am running a little late because my clothes are still drying."  Ah sorry Tracy will try to make it on time tomorrow.

     
  • 956.  I can't come in today because I was cooking pasta for breakfast and it exploded and blew the roof off my house and it landed on my car. 

     
  • 957.  I cant come in today because I had a prediction that my boss would die if I did.

     
  • 958.  I cant come in because I woke up and I was in Atlantis.  I have to walk back so it might take a while.

     
  • 959.  I can't be in today because my little cousin is sick.  My aunt doesn't speak English and I have to translate for her.

     
  • 960.  I bought a new bed yesterday and it was so comfortable that this morning I couldn't get out of it!

     
  • 961.  I just called my boss 3 minutes ago and told him......... I have been at the doctor all morning with my mom because she has Granularioglentomia...... which is a real intestinal disease.... but anyway.... I told him I had to stay home with her so I wouldn't be in today.

     
  • 962.  I swear this was heard at my last job... its been years since I remembered it... "I can't come in because my garage door is broken." I've never tried it... it worked for her!

     
  • 963.  I walk everyday getting to and from work, also going home for lunch. One day, going back to work from lunch, I startled a female robin (mother or baby) and next thing I know, I'm being attacked by one very angry male robin.  I had to stay facing the robin so I wouldn't be attacked from behind, so consequently I was late to work since it takes longer to get there walking backwards.  Upon arrival at the office, I had to explain the events.... and that brings me to here.  My co-workers (whom also have seen this page) have required me to enter this fowl excuse.

     
  • 964.  A guy called in to work a few weeks ago with this excuse:  "I won't be in to work today because I have anal glaucoma... I just can't see my ass coming to work."

     
  • 965.  I can't come in today.  My daughter is sick and needs to go to the doctor.  What does she have?  Uh...... Pink eye?

     
  • 966.  My friend K. took a leave of absence from work to get a hysterectomy.  Any way some ladies had asked me where she was.  I told them she went into surgery.  Of course they asked why and without thinking I told them it was for a vasectomy.  They stared at me and I then realized what I had said.  Silence passed for what seemed like forever.  We busted up laughing uncontrollably.  I don't know if our minds were in the gutter that day or what, but we were all thinking the same thing, transvestite? I felt like a total moron.  Of course I told K. and she thought it was hilarious.

     
  • 967.  I once called in on a Monday morning with 'food poisoning'.  They felt bad for me until, surprisingly, I was in and fine the next morning.

     
  • 968.  I woke up this morning with a headache, so I reached to the nightstand to take a couple of Tylenols, but I accidentally took two Tuinols, and did not wake up until 4 in the afternoon..... I swear this is true!  You can't make up stuff this good.

     
  • 969.  If you know you don't want to work tomorrow, call in late and tell your boss you have an tooth-ache and you will go to the dentist tomorrow morning.  2 hrs after you are supposed to be at work, you call in again and tell that now it even hurts more, because of what the dentist has done to your mouth.  Maybe I will come tomorrow, or the day after that?

     
  • 970.  I need to go home early today because my testicles hurt. (actually said by friend Dave... he didn't come in the next day either... I guess they were really in bad shape.)

     
  • 971.  My coworker called in sick today as he has a hangover.  And this is the umpteenth time he's done it this year.  No one says anything, but I get a funny look if I spend too long having a wee!

     
  • 972.  I called in skunked... meaning a couldn't come into work for at least a week because I got sprayed by a skunk and stunk.

     
  • 973.  I'm not coming in for work today because I'm out stalking my last boss who fired me for not showing up for work.

     
  • 974.  Real and true excuse... a co-worker called and said she couldn't come in that day because her children were covered with bug (mosquito) bites and she needed to stay home and let the kids soak in a bath. And yes, she still works here to this day!  Give me a break!

     
  • 975.  Here's ANOTHER excuse from the "My kids have bug bites" co-worker: She was in on Monday, then called in on Tuesday because she caught pink eye in BOTH eyes.  To top it off, she came in to work on Wednesday with eyes white as snow.  What made this excuse so far fetched was that a different co-worker had pink eye the week before, yet her eyes were pink for over a week!!!  And yes, this co-worker STILL WORKS HERE!

     
  • 976.  Another excuse from the "pink eye and kids with bug bites" co-worker: She called in one day because she had to stay home and console some people at her house because her "son's, girlfriend's, sister's baby's father" was killed.  What a mouthful! AND SHE STILL WORKS HERE!

     
  • 977.  These are two real excuses that were used by a former co-worker of mine.  The first one was his next door neighbors were throwing a party and had parked in his driveway, blocking him in.  The second one was after an ice storm (I live in San Antonio).  He told the supervisor that his driveway was iced over and he couldn't get his car out.  This one wasn't believed since everybody else on the shift managed to make it into work safely and it was after the ice had already started thawing everywhere else.

     
  • 978.  I made it to work on time with my 87 Ford truck but when I went to get my seatbelt off it wouldn't come off.  My horn doesn't work in my truck and no one was outside.  Finally someone came out so I was banging on my window to get his attention.  He thought it was coming from inside so he went back in.  I had to wait until someone else came out.  They saw me and had to go and get the rest of the office to come outside and laugh at me.

     
  • 979.  This actually happened to my boyfriend - he went to open his bedroom door and the handle came off, trapping him in his room.  He called his long suffering boss who accepted it... thing is, he lives on the ground floor and could easily have climbed out the window and back in again so not much of an excuse really.

     
  • 980.  I didn't go to work one day and couldn't face fake calling in sick again so I called up the next day, full of remorse and explained that I had been wandering through town on my way to work with a friend and had stopped off to look at the samurai swords in this shop.  He's an idiot and had managed to drop one on his hand, resulting in a nasty gash nearly severing his thumb from the rest of his hand.  I of course had to take him to the hospital and my mobile had to battery so I couldn't call.  They were incredulous but didn't want to call me a liar so accepted it.  Thing is, it's actually true - it happened to the friend, only a few months before and my boyfriend was with him.

     
  • 981.  I had an employee call me once to tell me she would be late and wasn't sure how late as the power was out and so she couldn't get her car out of the garage.

     
  • 982.  I can't come in today , because my car ran out of gas.

     
  • 983.  True story, We were working and a co-worker got a call.  He came running back saying he had to leave, his wife was having a baby.  The next day we were curious as to what the baby was, his reply:  Wont know for 9 months!

     
  • 984.  I can't come on because I stepped on a toothpick.  It broke off & part of it is still in my foot.  I need to go to the Dr. to have it removed.

     
  • 985.  I worked at Salvation army for about a year... well the winter of 2003 I kept getting sick... flu, colds, and I was actually sick... well my boss told me that if I called in one more time I would get fired... due to the fact that I had called in more than five days during one month... well...I eventually went to the doctor for a cold I had been trying to fight for two weeks... note... there were days I went to work with this cold and I worked outside in the cold weather taking in donations people dropped off... well my doctor drew blood and took my blood pressure... and I found out I have diabetes.... when they heard this next time I worked they felt so bad for yelling at me that they apologized profusely and said "well that explains why you were sick all the time.. and here we thought you were just trying to make excuses because you don't like the job."  For the rest of the day they treated me like I was made of glass and doted on me... it's nice to be a girl *smiles*

     
  • 986.  I worked at a grocery store my freshman year of college and I lived at the dorms. The grocery store was across town and I had to take the bus to work.  Our bus system in my town is crappy... they only run until 7:00 pm.  They don't run on Sundays or holidays... well... I was scheduled to work on labor day and I found out the bus didn't run that day.  I called in to work to tell them that I wouldn't make it because I had no way to get there.  When asked why I couldn't take a cab I truthfully told them. 

    A) I have no money at the moment B) to take a taxi from my dorms to my work costs 25 freaking dollars...  which in my opinion is way to much to spend on a taxi.... same reason I couldn't work on Sundays.  I had no money due to taxi far and told them to not schedule me on holidays and Sundays due to the crappy bus system... thankfully they knew how the bus system worked and didn't ask questions.  Another good excuse I used when I needed to stay and study or do my homework at the last minute.  I can't come in I have the flu.... key to pulling this off... make your voice sound like you are so miserable and are near death... worked for me every time.

     
  • 987.  Once worked with a guy who called in saying he stopped at a phone booth to make a call; his car rolled up against the booth & now he was trapped in the phone booth.

     
  • 988.  This morning I awoke with the headache from hell, but I didn't think that was a good enough excuse so I placed a call to my boss's voicemail stating that my neighbor was framing pictures late last night and cut her leg on the glass used in framing.  I had to take her to the emergency room and was there all night.  Of course I needed to rest therefore, I couldn't possibly make it in.

     
  • 989.  This guy I worked with called in saying his mother had died in a car accident.  A couple of days later, my boss called to see how he was doing and his mother answered the phone.. needless to say he no longer works there.

     
  • 990.  The best, or worst, excuse I got as a boss:  "Tiffany" called to say she wasn't going to be in because she went to her friends' house in the next state and they all got really drunk and passed out. When she came to and went to get her car she found that the police had put a boot on it because she had parked for 18 hours in a 15 minute parking zone and, also, she hadn't paid $350 in other parking tickets that she'd had for over a year.  She called the police to take off the boot but by the time she had sobered up enough to deal with it the cop with the key to the boot had gone for the day (she said).  She borrowed the money for the fine from her friend but couldn't drive her car because the boot was still on it. We told her to borrow another $20 from her friend and take the bus which would bring her to within 500 yards of work.  She decided that the bus was beneath her dignity so she called her father, who was 2 states away, to drive down and give her a ride (AND HE DID IT!!!) (She was 23 years old at the time.)

     
  • 991.  I can't come to work today.  My radiator froze up.  A week later someone tells the boss I drive a air cooled Volkswagen.

     
  • 992.  My friend has chicken pox and her doctor said their is an incubation period.  So - I'm in incubation and won't be in to work for about 3 days.

     
  • 993.  You know my friend, Whitney - he's an Indian.  Anyway, I went to watch a group of Indians celebrate the solstice.  I was up all night so won't be in to work today.  Sorry you missed it.

     
  • 994.  A co-worker of mine called into work to say "I can't come in today, there is a family of wild raccoons in my fireplace."  She did not get in trouble!

     
  • 995.  I worked with a lady who seemed to have one reason or another to miss work, at least once a week.  Here are a few of her excuses.

    1.) She was out on a Monday because she said that her husband was kicked in the head by a horse on Friday morning and had to be taken to the emergency room Monday.

    2.) She missed a couple of days of work because she said she had strept throat on the right side of her throat, and had to go to the doctor... where they prescribed her medication. (fine, 1/2 way believable) Two weeks later, she had to miss more work because the strept throat moved to the left side. (did you know that the antibiotics only work for one side of the throat at a time?)

    3.) Over a 2 month period she had meningitis, hepatitis, and bronchitis.

     
  • 996.  I have heard this excuse for years from females, and for some reason we accept it: "I'm calling out sick today because I am having cramps."

     
  • 997.  I've used this one more than once, but not back to back.  Call your supervisor and tell him/her that you won't be in today because you were doing some yard work and that you twisted your ankle really bad.  You can't walk on it, much less stand on it.  You're guaranteed to get the day off, just remember to act like you injured it the next few days.  Unless of course you have the next few days off or it is on a Friday (work Friday).  You may have to describe the injury to them, but it works!  Trust me, it works.

     
  • 998.  My friend Joe is well-known for his long hair, once, he walked into morning tutorial late with the excuse that he'd been to the hairdressers that morning!

     
  • 999. I actually used this one when I was extremely hung over and wanted to sleep in with my fiancé all day... I had my fiancé call my boss to tell her that I was pulled over for speeding and there was a warrant for my arrest from 5 years ago (I forgot all about it) and they took me to jail.  I could only make one call and thought that calling my fiancé was the most important.  Then, I didn't go in the next day because I "had to sleep over in jail" - My boss believed me and then to boot, I used the excuse to get off early the next week to go boating - saying I had to go to court.

     

 

Well friends we have many more work excuses to go. The Work Excuses 6 page has excuses 1000 and up. Enjoy

 

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Madtbone

 

 

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